Chapter Text
In all honesty, Imogen was reeling. Her mind was fraying at the edges.
It was only a matter of time to be fair. And with everything that had happened, no one would blame her if she broke down.
It’s not Ashton’s situation that bothered her. Imogen honestly believed that their intentions hadn’t been malicious in any way, just misguided. It was still fucking stupid to do without discussing it thoroughly with everyone. Yet they lived… if only thanks to FCG and Fearne. Whatever consequences that came with it… what’s done is done.
No, Imogen was much more bothered by something else. It had to do with the cool body pressed into her front, finally getting a good night’s rest with Imogen’s arms wound tight around her, not overbearingly so, just protectively.
Imogen had done her best to be a grounding presence for Laudna, to be her anchor. Laudna needed gentle care and plenty of reassurance and Imogen was more than happy to give it to her. It did them both good, honestly. Imogen was having a hard time separating from Laudna right now. She needed to touch her, or at least have her in her sight. Laudna was her tether, a fact that was all the more prevalent after she’d spent a night alone.
It had barely been over a week since she got Launda back. And the last time they had been in Whitestone, Launda had been…
No, Imogen refused to think of it. It only made her spiral worse.
But she couldn’t ignore the anger still thrumming under her veins, the fear and anxiety that almost consumed her in Whitestone. Imogen was aware she had been snappy and short with everyone. If anything, she was proud that she kept herself together enough to not blow up at someone. Because somewhere in the back of her mind there had been an insistent urge to intrude and claw her way through everyone until she found Laudna and made sure she was safe.
Safe.
What did that even mean when it came to Launda? She hadn’t truly been safe since the day she woke up with Delilah Briarwood in her head thirty years ago. Imogen could only fool herself for so long that she had the power to keep Laudna away from harm. Delilah was the most dangerous thing to Laudna. And she was always there.
Always there.
The thought made Imogen sick. Laudna had to fight her every single day and had done so for years. Why had Imogen never thought about that before? She had known of the extra presence in Laudna’s mind practically since she met her. Yet Imogen had conveniently ignored the severity of what that meant, only taking the comfort Laudna provided her every time she woke up from a nightmare, every time she doubted herself, all the times she was overwhelmed with people’s thoughts.
She had prioritized learning about her mother and her powers, letting Laudna’s encouraging words wash over and fill her with a confidence she never really had. So selfish.
Maybe if they had dealt with Delilah sooner, none of this would have ever happened. What if she was too strong now, her influence too great to stop her from slowly consuming Laudna whole? What if Imogen grew more and more powerful and it still wasn’t enough to stop Delilah?
It was debilitating. Imogen felt like couldn’t breathe. Her grip on Laudna tightened until she heard the barest grunt fall from Laudna’s mouth and she forcibly slackened her arms with a gasp. She could feel the slightest tremor in her hands. But Laudna seemed otherwise undisturbed. In fact, she turned around in Imogen’s arms and burrowed her face into the other woman’s neck, exhaling deeply before settling down again. Laudna’s hand wrapped around her and slipped under her sleep shirt, fingers splayed against her lower back.
Just that simple motion calmed Imogen, if just by a fraction. Imogen needed Laudna in her life. Laudna was everything to her. She couldn’t lose her. Not again. Imogen pressed her nose into Laudna’s hairline and placed her arms back around Laudna, hugging her close. She took a minute to calm herself, focusing on every part of her body where she and Laudna touched.
This was her Laudna. Her kind, patient, eccentric, creative, scary in a beautiful way girlfriend. Gods, girlfriend. She could still hardly believe Laudna returned her feelings. If she had to use one word to describe her, Laudna was just… lovely. She had been through so much trauma in her life yet still chose to be good, still empathetic to the people around her. Laudna had been Imogen’s biggest supporter since the start, showering her with constant compliments, always there for her no matter what.
Laudna trusted Imogen implicitly and believed in her abilities. Capable, as she liked to repeat. Which is why Imogen felt so horrible that her own trust was slipping. It wasn’t anything that Laudna did. Never. It was Delilah. Only Delilah.
‘I’m not going to tell you that.’
Imogen truly believed that no one else would be able to keep Delilah Briarwood at bay for years as Laudna had. But that control was slipping. Delilah’s influence was growing. Laudna had to actually fight back Delilah’s wishes, choosing to run into the woods instead of ever risking putting her friends in danger.
She was regressing mentally under Delilah’s manipulative words, even if aided by the decision Ashton made. Her form of dread was beginning to shape more into Lady Briarwood’s likeness. And despite all of that, Laudna was doing such a good job at keeping her at bay.
But the thing is… none of that mattered.
Because Delilah Briarwood was a part of Laudna. What Laudna knew, so did she. The lines were blurring, Delilah was becoming an extension of Laudna. So if Imogen didn’t trust Delilah, ultimately that meant that she didn’t trust Laudna either. And she couldn’t even bear the thought of having to tell Laudna that. Even if her ire and mistrust was directed towards that crazy evil piece of shit, it also meant that Imogen didn’t consider Laudna to be strong enough to fight Delilah for however long she needed.
And that made Imogen feel so guilty.
She didn’t want this.
She doesn’t know what to do.
But she would do anything if given the chance.
Imogen had no one to confide in, no one that could truly help her. She has no idea if that stupid Dawnfather was even listening to her. If the gods would even help after they saved them. Lady Allura was powerful and possibly had connections but she was tied to Lord de Rolo. And if he knew… Percival would kill Laudna with no hesitation.
Imogen would fight back if she had to. The others would probably help. But they wouldn’t be able to win. He didn’t get it. Lord Percival didn’t know Laudna like she did. Delilah was pure evil but Laudna rivaled her step for step with the amount of joy and positivity she radiated.
Imogen held Launda close to her, running her fingers through Laudna’s dark hair ever so carefully. Her frantic thoughts had come to a standstill but her body still felt the uncomfortable weight of anxiety. Any semblance of sleep she might have had was gone.
All of a sudden, as if sensing that sometimes was wrong, Laudna stirred in her arms. Imogen froze, feeling like she had been caught doing something she shouldn’t have. She held her breath as Laudna detangled herself from Imogen’s embrace just enough to look her in the eyes. She pointed a finger to her temple, signaling for Imogen to make a mental connection. She wanted to be mindful of the others in the room.
Lady Allura had joined them in the room, laying in one of the middle beds in a half-upright position, still wearing the clothes she came in. If she even was asleep, the slightest movement would wake her. Her staff was lying right by her hand just in case.
Ashton was with them as well. They would have rather been with Chetney and Orym in Fearne’s room but they had been banned from even getting a glance into what was inside. So they had awkwardly shuffled in with FCG in tow much later after everyone else settled. Imogen had been ready to kick him out to the hallway if Laudna hadn’t placated her and assured her it was fine.
Imogen made the familiar connection with Laudna and immediately heard her voice fill her mind.
“Can’t sleep, darling?” Laudna looked at Imogen curiously, a tiny bit of concern shining through.
She didn’t know what to say but Laudna was patient. She cupped Imogen’s face and rubbed her thumb over her warm cheek. Imogen could feel her lower lip wobble, eyes once again filling with tears. But she refused to cry.
“Just got lost in my thoughts,” Imogen replied after a while.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Laudna pressed closer again, their noses touching. Imogen felt her heart flutter.
She let her hand go back under Imogen’s shirt, making random patterns with her fingers across Imogen’s back.
“I… No, I don’t want to… not right now.” Imogen tried so hard to keep eye contact but she felt too guilty to keep looking at Laudna’s open and loving eyes.
“That’s okay.” Laudna immediately reassured her.
Imogen was quiet for a beat.
“I’m sorry.” She whimpered.
“Imogen, sweetheart, there’s nothing to apologize for.” Laudna placed fluttering kisses on Imogen’s nose and cheeks, giving her girl a brilliant, wide smile when she looked at her again. “Whenever you’re ready. Or not at all if you so wish.”
Imogen nodded shakily. Her hands were gripping the back of Laudna’s nightgown.
“What do you need, darling? How can I help?”
“You. Just need you.” Imogen buried herself into Laudna’s shoulder, sighing at the comforting cool feeling of Laudna’s skin against her burning forehead.
“I’m here.”
Laudna had had a lot of practice calming Imogen down. She gave Imogen appropriate time to calm herself and kept her touches light but constant. She stayed silent until she felt Imogen’s breathing become slower and more regular.
“I know how I acted was a lot for you,” Laudna said carefully.
Imogen jerked against Laudna’s hold, terrified she’d given Laudna the wrong impression with her attitude.
“Laud, no-”
“Shh, settle down.” Laudna chuckled. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, my love.”
Imogen could feel the panic bubbling up despite Laudna’s words.
“I wish I had been strong enough to come back to you right away. I know how horrible it is for me when I have to be separated from you and worried constantly for your safety.” Laudna’s smile turned melancholy.
Imogen struggled out of Laudna’s grasp, putting some space between them and lifting herself up on her elbow,
“Laudna, please,” Imogen begged desperately, “Don’t apologize for taking care of yourself just because I’m bein’ stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, Imogen.” Laudna chided. “Your feelings are completely valid. It would not be fair of me to assume that running off without saying anything doesn’t affect you in any way.”
“You did what you had to do. I’m not blaming you for that, Laudna.”
“I’m not saying that you are. I’m saying that it’s okay if you feel hurt.” Laudna shuffled closer, closing the gap between them again, lifting herself to be on Imogen’s level. “I want you to know that you can tell me about it.”
“I know…” Imogen said defeatedly.
“Delilah has never been more present. And I understand that it can be scary to acknowledge that.”
Oh. Fuck. Laudna knew her too well.
All the tears Imogen had been keeping at bay instantly started streaming down her cheeks. Laudna lifted her free hand to wipe at them. The look in her eyes was so impossibly soft that it nearly made Imogen sob.
“Imogen. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to feel like this is a burden you must carry inside yourself. You’re allowed to be scared too. I won’t be mad if you go to the others to get everything off your chest.”
“She can’t have you, Laudna.”
“She won’t,” Laudna reassured her. “I’m yours, Imogen.”
She sounded so confident in that fact. Imogen really, really wanted to believe her.
She jumped at Laudna, toppling them back down to the bed. Laudna felt the little air she had in her lungs get crushed out, letting out an audible oomph. It didn’t stop her from wrapping her spindly arms comfortingly around Imogen.
“You must be exhausted, love,” Launda murmured to Imogen, talking aloud for the first time. “You’ll feel much better after you get some proper sleep. We can even sleep in tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Imogen’s voice was so small and vulnerable. “I’d like that a lot.”
Laudna nudged Imogen off of her. As much as she didn’t want to disturb Imogen, she would eventually be crushed if the woman stayed on top of her. Though she immediately guided Imogen’s head to her chest right after. She rubbed Imogen’s shoulder slowly, wanting to lull her into sleep.
“I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Laudna kissed the top of Imogen’s head. “I love you, dear.”
“Love you too.” Imogen croaked out, already feeling her body give in to her exhaustion. “So much… so, so much.”