Chapter Text
Hi, it’s me, Bellum again, and I have a secret to tell you. My boyfriend Edwardo Colleen Hoover Cullen IV is a Malaysian Sun Bear. They will. They will eventually. They will.
I skedaddled along the ceiling carelessly without a care in the world. It felt like there was not a care to be had in this melancholy Earth. The Earth is a planet in the solar system and such. It seemed careless. And also full of crawling vermin and cookie crumbs scattered around in unreachable places. Stupid crumbs.
It was a careless day in the deep dark woods where I occasionally held my rituals with my boyfriend. He’s a Malaysian Sun Bear you know. A Malaysian Sun Bear is a type of bear in the bear family. Bears are a type of animal that live usually where they live. There are bears scampering about. Beware. The sun was brightly shining on this cloudy day as I headed into the dark woods where the light was brightly shining darkly. Across the forest I saw the brilliantly sparkly sun bear. His coat was shedding slightly, little sparkling bits dancing in the wind as they accidentally flew into my open mouth. I was gaping at the magnificent sight. His gorgeous sparkling hairline approached me with his mouth slightly agape and smiling while frowning and furrowing his brow, but only with one half of his face. Something must be wrong. He usually smiles with ¾ of his face!
“Fuck you,” he said, smiling respectfully while his eyeballs hoisted themselves back inside his head. “We’re breaking up…”
….
“For your protection” he added.
My jaw dropped to the sky, tasting some bits of cloud. Mmm, tasty. My mouth was as open as the grand canyon, allowing all of the sparkly debris from his coat to fly carelessly into it. My mouth flung away in dismay. Stupid mouth! My eyes began to rain aggressively.
He then backflipped out of the woods with great haste. Anyways, how can he break up with me? I am Bellum Olor!! I have such a colorful and vibrant personality! My sense of humor is immaculate! Plus, I have a very beautiful mouth!
The woods then became dark and the rain started to rain down with great vigor. It was as if it were raining outside from the clouds. Rain is water droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then fall under gravity. Rain is a major component of the water cycle and is responsible for depositing most of the fresh water on the Earth. I love the water cycle. I drink water on special occasions. At least I used to. My soul is as dead as the lifeless rain that keeps raining down upon my soulless soul. The rain reminds me of my pookie bear… I hallucinate sometimes. Stupid psychosis!
Dear Alice, I’m okay, but not actually. The rain keeps raining and I can’t shake the image of his glistening and glimmering biceps in the wind. I sometimes see them flexing in my mindless mind as his eyes flutter into his vast forehead. But don’t worry, I’m okay. Can’t you tell how okay I am?
Suddenly as if fate’s half smiling face and 80 degree rightward smile smiled upon me with its smiling eyes, Jacoff smiled at me who was looking elsewhere. I tripped over his smile and tumbled down a 30 mile long mountain and landed on a motorcycle. Ooooo, a motorcycle!
I spent the next week gazing at Jacoff’s beautifully sculpted rib cage as my stupid face fluttered in the distance, but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t fling me into walls like Edwardo Colleen Hoover Cullen IV did. I watched his hands carefully as he filed for motorcycle insurance after I destroyed his motorcycle. His four hands smiled nervously at me as the motorcycle motorcycled. A motorcycle is a two wheeled vehicle powered by a motor that has no pedals. Perfect for flip flops! He’s so handsome. And beautiful. He looked like someone who was pretty and such.
His ribs looked back at me. I looked back at his ribs and leaned closer to them as I tripped over my elbows. I flung my eyes in his general direction as his elbows blushed. I took his elbows in mine.
“Jawn my jawn! Petulant fool. Doth thou believeth mine affections pertain to thee? Insolent simpleton!” I screeched with my voice as I hugged him and told him I could never love another. But do not be deceived! He could never scuttle his hairline like Edwardo Colleen Hoover Cullen IV. The rain started to rain again. The rain always seems to rain in Spoons. Jacoff skulked away on his four feet into the outside where it was raining. He sort of looked like a really big dog. He must be trying out the new fursuit.
Just as I stumbled down the industrial expansion tank and superfluously rammed myself into seven furries, injuring roughly three of them and breaking five of my lower ankles, to what should my wondering eyes should appear but my magnificently sparkling sun bear in the sun! The rain stopped being emo for a second and let the sun burn onto Edwardo Colleen Hoover Cullen IV’s sternum.
All of my eyelids opened to the sky, accidentally catching three flies.
“You’re gonna marry me now” he growled before the vfx engine crashed.