Chapter Text
Everything became a bit of a blur after that point. Eddie had barely even managed to come out, if he could even call it that, and now in one fell swoop accidentally announced something he barely comprehended in the first place. Why did he have to do everything in his power to destroy each and every stable relationship in his life?
Perhaps it was the church. Why did he ever think it would be a good idea? Whenever he entered a church, ever since he was a kid, it made him feel like he was under some holy observation. Can’t exactly lie in god’s house, or something along those lines.
But this wasn’t confessional. This was Buck. Buck, who was still staring at him, blinking slowly. Despite being in literal warzones and having a job that entailed danger every single day, Eddie’s fight or flight response evidently still couldn’t tell the difference between life or death situations or social faux pas, because he was itching to get out of the situation.
But he knew he couldn’t. Even if he wasn’t the one driving them both, he wasn’t just going to ditch Buck after something like this.
“Eddie?” his voice was soft, comforting on any other day. “Are you okay?”
“Can we just…” his voice was hoarse. He took a second to clear it trying again. “Can we just go home?”
For a brief second, Eddie was scared Buck would argue, but he really didn’t have to be. All he did was nod.
“Yeah, of course.”
Eddie barely looked at him as he pushed past his knees, taking the lead in heading outside. The sun had gone down considerably even in the short time they were in the building, and a few stars hung in the sky now. The fresh air helped but it was hard to appreciate it when it felt like every breath in was a conscious effort.
Buck came up by his side as they reached the car.
“Would you…like me to drive or…”
“No. No I’m good. Thanks.”
“Okay.”
Why did this still feel like running away again? Why did seeing the church in the rearview mirror make something in his chest sting, his throat burn like he just downed a bottle of tequila? The car ride was the most silent one they’ve ever had together and still neither of them reached for the radio. Normally Eddie wouldn’t mind the quiet. It never felt awkward or tense with them. But he didn’t even know whether he wished to hear Buck’s voice speak up or if that would cause him to crash his car into something.
The church was out of their way, but it wasn’t too far from Eddie’s house. At least both of them knew as soon as they arrived, they would be way too busy to unpack any of it. Whether that was a good or bad thing, Eddie would wait until his son was in bed to dissect.
Clearly Eddie was losing his mind, because when he parked the car and went up to his door, he almost knocked. Instead, catching himself, he looked behind him, pulling his keys out at the same time. Buck stood just behind, and he had seemingly gotten himself sorted out on the car ride, smiling at Eddie warmly and waiting patiently for Eddie to figure out how a lock worked again.
This is pathetic, he thought to himself, sighing before opening the door and stepping inside. He held the door open long enough for Buck to enter the house before a familiar voice called out towards them.
“Hey, you two!” Carla said, smile clear in her tone. “Bit late back, aren’t you?”
Eddie wished he could recount the following events, but frankly they were all just flashes. Carla gave Buck a hug. He often forgot that they had actually known each other from before Eddie even became a firefighter. That he had introduced them in the first place. They talked for a while. Eddie thought she tried to get him into the conversation at one point, but he had just excused himself to go to Chris.
Chris was already in his bedroom, which was actually a little funny. There was no way by that point that Eddie was convincing him of going to bed before at least 11 if he didn’t want to. Not anymore. He was a teenager, and as much as he sort of hated the knowledge, he wasn’t old enough that he forgot what it was like to be one.
So, as long as Chris had nothing to do the next day, Eddie had slowly agreed to let him stay up a bit late, even if his instincts from all his training taught him to not do that. Chris wasn’t him.
And if he was still trying to make up for everything in some way, that was no one else’s business.
He rapped his knuckles on the door a few times, waiting for an answer. When it didn’t come he called in.
“Chris? Can a come in?”
Still every time he did that he worried about the answer. On the one hand, he wanted Chris to know that if he said no, he’d respect that. Wouldn’t force his way. On the other, it broke his heart just a little every time the answer wasn’t yes.
“Come in.”
Thank god, he thought. He just really needed to see him that night.
As he opened the door, he saw him, sitting on his bed, his back against the wall and his phone held in both hands. He really looked so big now it made his heart ache. The toys around the bedroom slowly got replaced over the years with newer, more ‘mature’ items, exchanging out the picture books, which, yeah Eddie couldn’t really blame him for, he did have to admit he didn’t spend many days reading them when he was his age, even if he ironically missed going through them with Chris now as an adult.
Chris looked up at him for just a moment, before putting his attention back to whatever he was doing on his phone.
“What is it, dad?”
Eddie laughed, closing the door behind him as he went to sit on the bed by Chris’ feet. Apparently Chris didn’t expect him to do that, because he frowned and placed his phone down. He looked at Eddie, head tilted back against the wall.
“I just wanted to check in on you.”
Chris frowned again, lifting his head up a bit.
“Are you okay?”
Well. That was a surprisingly loaded question. Not that Chris necessarily knew. But then that raised another question, why would he be asking?
“Yeah, Chris. I’m fine.”
“You’re acting weird.”
“Weird? How?”
There was no way Chris had picked up on everything, right? Surely not. Granted, he wasn’t exactly oblivious, definitely less so than Eddie sometimes felt he was. But he had only said 2 sentences to him, what could he possibly mean he was acting weird?
Unless it was more than that night. Which would make sense, it wasn’t exactly like Eddie’s life changed in a single night, even if he was apparently determined to destroy it in one.
“You didn’t call.”
“What?”
Chris shrugged. “You were late back. You usually call. Unless you can’t.”
Oh.
Of course. Eddie was so caught up in everything, with the knowledge that Carla was still going to be there for a while, he didn’t even think Chris would notice if he was back a bit late. Not with how not close they’ve been lately. Usually he still does. It doesn’t matter how distant or angry his son is, he would never want to scare him, ever. But there was just so much in his head that day.
So…he forgot to call.
“You were worried about me.”
Chris looked away, avoiding his eyes. This time, however, he still spoke. “You know I worry about you.”
Right. Yeah. Why wouldn’t he be? Eddie had spent the last few weeks trying his best to give him some space where he could, but it still shouldn’t be a surprise that he worried.
Eddie moved closer and put one hand on his cheek.
“Hey,” he said softly, “I’m sorry I didn’t call. I should have. But I promise I’m fine.”
Chris looked at him, straight in the eyes, and his 13 year old son looking at him really should not have been as intimidating as it was.
“Liar.”
Eddie physically flinched. “What?”
“You’ve been weird all week.”
Sometimes Chris really does forget how smart his son is. Or how observant. Because Hen noticing something, or the rest of the firehouse, was one thing. But Chris? How did he not consider that at all? And this was coming from the kid who walked in on him with his dead mother’s lookalike, just how badly had he been acting if after all that Chris still noticed that he was being weird now?
“Chris…” he started before he really knew what to say. It was only after he said his name that he knew he couldn’t look him in the eyes and lie. “Listen. There are some things I need to still sort out just now. And I…don’t exactly know how to do that.”
“Is it about mum?”
Eddie rubbed at his eyes. They had that conversation many times, but it would never really be one that went away.
“No, it actually isn’t.” That wasn’t a lie. Not really. “Okay, it’s a bit more complicated than that.”
It surprised Eddie when Chris smiled, even if it was still a little sad. “How?”
“Good point,” Eddie laughed, before taking another deep breath.
He wasn’t ready for this talk again, not that night, not yet. But maybe he could set it up a little. Not really pulling off the band-aid, but maybe just waiting for the wound to heal a little bit more.
“You know I did love your mum, right?”
Chris nodded stiffly. “Yeah I know.”
“Yeah. Well…Chris, I know how hard this all is for you. But I think I’m maybe ready to deal with it all a bit better. And doing that means letting her go.” Chris stared, so Eddie rushed to add. “But you don’t ever have to, alright? She’s your mum, and I’m never going to forget that.”
“Dad,” he said firmly, and Eddie started getting a bit anxious again. Not like he was prone to anxiety, but lately it seemed like it’s all he’s felt. “Okay.”
“I…what?”
“Okay.”
It was the response he had been hoping for, but now that he got it he didn’t really know how to respond to it.
“Chris, are you sure?”
He looked down at his pillow, away from Eddie, and then back again. “You always said you weren’t ready. Like Miss Flores. I liked her.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“But you’re ready now?”
Was he? Truth be told, he didn’t know if he was, for anything. It terrified him just to realise why he was never ready in the past. Never okay to move on, even after so many years. It would be unfair to even say those years only started after she died. They started after she left Texas, simply got paused for a while up to her death. But he knew this wasn’t something he could shove down anymore.
“I think maybe I am, yeah.”
“Then it’s okay.”
No. It wasn’t okay. Not yet, not to leave it there.
“Chris…if I start dating again…I don’t think it will be people like Ana. Or Marisol.” He decided to leave Shannon off that list for…obvious reasons. But he hoped it was enough, for the time being. “Things might be different. Are you sure you’re okay with that?”
He barely hesitated to nod, which started to ease his heart a little. “I don’t want things to be the same anyway.”
Eddie wondered what exactly he meant. Did he mean the same since everything happened? Since they could barely look each other in the eye? Or the same as before, before all of that went down, when it was the two of them, together no matter what?
There was no way to know, not without questioning Chris further. But he wasn’t going to do that. This had been one of the longest conversations they had in weeks, and all he could be was thankful. Despite all of his mistakes and errors raising him, he couldn’t believe how much of an amazing kid he had started growing up to be.
So instead of arguing or interrogating him more, he decided to tell him.
“I’m really proud of you, you know that?”
“Dad!”
“What?” he laughed, “It’s true. And I just know you won’t make the same mistakes I did in life.”
Chris just hung his head, shrugging one shoulder. “Well…some of your mistakes were pretty weird.”
It might have worried him again if it wasn’t for Chris’ small smile. So, Eddie laughed.
God it felt so good to be able to laugh. Even if it was still filled with an undertone of fear and daunting, it just felt so much better, sitting there with his son in front of him to be able to actually laugh even for a second. Chris just rolled his eyes at him, and went to pick up his phone again.
“Hey, Buck’s in the living room. You want him to come say goodnight.”
Chris didn’t look up again, but he stopped whatever he was doing and nodded.
“Okay,” Eddie said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I’ll go get him.”
He got up and made way for the door. Didn’t need to close it fully on account of the fact he wasn't the last guess that evening, but he moved it until it was just ajar before poking his head back in.
“Goodnight.”
Unexpectedly to Eddie, Chris put down his phone again and looked at him.
“Goodnight, dad.”
Despite everything that he knew was still to come that night, it was the happiest he had felt in weeks.