Chapter Text
Sam’s long, gorgeous throat was glistening with sweat. It was the most beautiful thing Castiel had ever seen in his life. Sometimes, it made his own throat close up unexpectedly when he saw his husband like this. It made him weak in an instant, Sam’s easy, unmatchable beauty. He took a quick, shaky breath through trembling lips.
His lover smiled down at him with that expression of pure contentment. “What was that, sweetheart?”
Sweetheart. It never failed to make him sigh when Sam said that in bed.
Soft lips brushed his. “What is it?”
Words sometimes just fell out of his mouth when Sam was around, especially when he was naked and staring down at him this way. “Why do you love me?”
The smile grew into a huffed laugh. “What?”
He could feel his face flushing warm. Considering he was only just beginning to get blood flowing back above his waist, it was surprising that he could blush at all. But Sam always did that to him.
“Cas?”
“I’m so in love with you,” he breathed. “You’re so beautiful and so brilliant. And you’re so…” Out of my league. Off the page. From a whole different story.
“Cas, what’s wrong?” Sam’s fingers reached down to slip into his hair, and it just made him have to stare up at him in wonder.
He had no defense against what Sam made him feel. “I never want to lose this,” he choked out. “You. I never want to lose you. Especially since…I-I don’t really understand how I earned you in the first place, so I wouldn’t have any idea how to begin winning you back.”
His husband’s gaze softened. “Win me back?”
“Yes, I…” He swallowed hard. “Of course I would try. But if I don’t know what it is that made you love me the first time, how can I hope to keep it up? And if I don’t keep it up, won’t I lose you? And if I lose you, how could I ever hope to win you back?” He nodded, as if that had been settled. “So I want to know. Why do you love me?”
Sam seemed perpetually amused by him. Perhaps that was what attracted him to Castiel, the entertainment of constant confusion. “As protection on your investment?”
“Yes!” Castiel shrugged. “So? What is it?”
His lover snorted and dropped himself down to lay beside him. He laughed wearily. “Cas, I don’t know. I just do.”
Frustration polluted his gaze now. “That’s hardly helpful.”
“There are plenty of things to love about you.”
He gave Sam a crooked sort of face in return. “We both know that’s untrue.”
This produced a bark of a laugh. “What? Of course it’s true!”
“There are plenty of reasons to hire me, Sam. My CV is quite impressive. Particularly for my age, I’ve got impressive educational and professional experience.”
“Balthazar said just Saturday when he and Bela came over for dinner that he thinks you’re the most valuable asset the company has.”
“I am.”
“Thanks a lot.”
Castiel let an eyebrow lift slightly. “You’re valuable. For an attorney. But if I do my job properly, we have far less need for one of those.”
Sam snickered. “And you’re so modest as well.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Is modesty something you look for in a husband?”
“Obviously not.”
The man nodded. “Good. I find it disingenuine.”
“Cas, we’ve been married for a year now. Together for two more. Why are you just now starting to wonder why I love you?”
He blinked up into his stare. “I’ve always wondered. Just not aloud. I feared that perhaps if I asked…If I tell you I worry about you leaving me, maybe the idea will take root. Maybe you’ll begin to wonder too.”
Sam closed his eyes briefly. Then he placed his hand on Castiel’s cheek in just the way he liked it best. “Sweetheart? I am not leaving you. Not ever. Do you understand?”
“I just said I don’t understand. I’ve never understood. From the first moment you…Do you remember? The first time you…”
The smile on Sam’s face said that he definitely remembered.
“Mr. Seraphim?”
Castiel frowned at the doorway where the temp stood waiting for his attention. “Yes?” he said sharply.
Sam took a deep breath. He stepped into the office and handed over three folders. “I’m about to head home. And today is my last day. Sir.”
A confusion of relief and disappointment filled him in a rush. Rachel was back in the morning. Thank goodness. This man had been a terrible replacement. It had only underlined in red for Castiel how much he relied on Rachel. He hated relying on anyone for anything. It was a weakness, and it annoyed him.
But also it was a relief for an unexpected reason. It had crept up on Castiel, sneaking into his mind and clouding his thoughts lately. He didn’t like this Sam person at all, because he wasn’t Rachel. But he found himself listening for his voice, finding excuses to go out and linger in the main office area, taking note of little details of Sam’s personality.
Sam loved good coffee. The coffee Sam drank was cheap garbage, so Castiel had brought him something from the cafe he himself liked one morning, and had waved off the surprised, wide eyes when he handed it over, but couldn’t stop thinking of the delight and satisfaction on the young man’s face when he had watched him from the corner of his eye as he took his first sip. He had hurried away to his own office without listening to the appreciation for the gift. But he found himself leaving a hot coffee on Sam’s desk as he walked past it each morning after that, without even glancing in his direction. Just knowing that sweet, shocked smile was on the man’s face was enough to keep him doing it. He didn’t have to see it to know. And his heart had somehow become wrapped up in that little smile that Castiel didn’t even want to see.
Well, he could buy coffee for Rachel. He would buy all the coffee in the world for Rachel. She was a far better assistant than that Sam person.
“Good,” he had responded without bothering to look up from his folders.
In his periphery, Sam was doing that strange thing where he scowled and smiled at the same time. Honestly, the man was impossible to read. Castiel was glad he was leaving. “Yes. I know you’re looking forward to having Rachel back.”
“Clearly.” Castiel licked his lips and shrugged. “Well? Was there anything else?” He found himself wanting to know where Sam would go after this. He had overheard him telling Haeli that his law school classes were nearly finished, and that he was looking into registering to take the bar exam. Castiel hadn’t meant to listen. He didn’t care.
Sam’s smirk was weighing on him. What was this man thinking? Why couldn’t Castiel ever figure out what he was thinking?
Maybe it had something to do with the way he could never quite bring himself to look Sam in the eyes.
“Yeah. There was something else.”
He sighed with exasperation. “Well, I’m quite busy, Sam, which you would know if you ever actually got my calendars right.”
There was that scowling smile. Castiel could see it out of the corner of his eyes, and more than that, he could feel it. “Maybe it’s time to put something on your personal calendar. Sir.”
“I hardly have the time.” Then he frowned, and he looked up at last. “Why? What-what were you suggesting?”
He stared at Sam now, nearly three years later, from his own pillow. “Why did you ask me to dinner? On your last day as my assistant?”
The large man beside him grinned. “Because it wouldn’t have been appropriate to ask you before that.”
Castiel shook his head. “You know that isn’t what I’m asking.”
Sam lifted his chin to kiss Castiel’s forehead, which always confused his senses, because it made him feel like a child, and he hated that, but also he adored it so very much. “Cas? Before me, you never had anything on that personal calendar. Why’d you even have it?”
He took a deep breath before answering. “Mostly because Rachel insisted that everyone had a personal calendar, so I must also need one. I put dentist appointments on it. Things like that. Or…she did.”
“Obviously.”
“Obviously.” He sighed. “My CV is so impressive, in part, because I never had a personal life. I dedicated myself entirely to my work. And…and I’m still not quite clear about whether I didn’t have a personal life because I worked so much or if I worked so much because I didn’t have a personal life. And I never expected to have one. And sometimes…”
“Sometimes you still don’t expect to have one.”
It was still hard to meet Sam’s eyes in moments like this. “When I try to look into the future, I can give you the company objectives and my professional goals for every step until retirement.”
“That’s a lie. You don’t plan to ever retire.”
That was probably true. He ignored it. “But when I try to see what happens with us, the future suddenly looks foggy.”
“We’re married, Cas.”
“And I wake up every morning finding that very hard to believe. I lie awake at night wondering how we got here and what I need to do to protect it.”
Sam’s eyes flashed with intensity suddenly, in that way they sometimes did that made Castiel’s heart and breath stop. “I’ll protect it,” he said in a low voice.
Castiel found that he couldn’t say anything in response.
His husband’s hands reached up and took hold of his face with gentle insistence. “You keep doing what you do, Cas. Let me protect us. Because I wanted you from the moment I saw you, and I’ve wanted you every moment since then, and nothing in this world could ever make me want to leave you. I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I don’t need a reason, but I’ve got a thousand. Every moment with you is another reason. Do you love me, Cas?”
He drew in a shaky breath. “You know I do.”
“Then let me love you, and stop worrying about why. You’re a busy man. You don’t have time to waste on silly things that are never going to happen. I can see our future just fine. It looks exactly like this.”
Castiel let himself be pulled into a fierce, passionate kiss, and he ached with the way his heart threw itself at Sam desperately. His body was tired from lovemaking, and his mind still raced with anxiety, but his heart was too far gone. It had been gone from the first moment Sam had given him that confounding smile. He still didn’t know why, and he didn’t know how, and he would never understand. He would have to rely on Sam’s judgment. Being forced to rely on anyone was a weakness. But there was no weakness quite like Sam.