Chapter Text
Listen, I don’t often lose my temper, but I’d like to defend myself for a moment. I’m going to ask that you not expect me to be as well spoken and refined as usual, because frankly, I am riled.
To start: I did not bite anyone. No, no, I know what you are going to say, but it did not break the skin. In a moment of temper I may have lightly toothed a certain leg, but it was encased in clothing and leather boots, and my teeth barely made a dent. As I knew they wouldn’t! Because I wasn’t trying to bite him, I was simply trying to send a message.
Secondly: I object in the strongest terms to allegations currently being viciously lobbed around that refer to me as ‘reeking like a five days dead wolverine’ or ‘fouler than an Orcish a******e’. How honestly dare they? I occasionally emit a mild, musky odor. I occasionally become lightly begrimed with the fruits of my labor. Yes, those fruits might include offal and other intimate substances, but I assure you it is all part of the job. I am quite capable of shaking myself vigorously and ridding my person of such accessories. I AM A CREATURE OF VALINOR, I DO NOT REEK, I NEVER REEK. Also it takes one to know one, bub.
Finally: If you persist in trying to throw me in a – pardon my language – bathtub, you are going to get your arse bit. Excuse me, ‘warned.’
If any one of you bleeding, pointy-eared savages tries to dogsplain to me that water is water, and don’t you love swimming in the river, this is no different, I shall have no choice but to become emphatic.
Capitals must be employed.
SWIMMING IN A RIVER IS NOTHING LIKE TAKING A BATH IT IS NOT THE SAME THING YOU FECKLESS PLEBIAN
I shall enumerate why.
- I swim in the river by choice, and as an expression of joyful self-expression. I am thrown into the bath against my will.
- The river is wide and wild and full of excitement. The bath holds no such adventure. Throw in a frog or two, add a current, and peel the roof back – then maybe we can talk. Maybe.
- The river allows me to get cardiovascular exercise, to hop rock to rock, beat my tail against the current, dodge rills and explore eddies. The bath is a stagnant swamp in comparison. I wither, I atrophy.
- Breaststroking across the Narog is both valiant and admirable. Wallowing in a porcelain soup dish is undignified.
- Baths are hot. You really prefer warm dog smell to cool and refreshing dog smell???????
- Soap.
- SOAP?????
- Seriously, I am going to bite you again.
Faithfully,
H