Chapter Text
Kuroo likes to think of himself as a pretty composed person. Even in the most stressful of situations, he manages to keep his cool. He’s driven Bokuto to the emergency room more times than he can count, and was selected captain of his high school volleyball team for a reason. Once upon a time, he even thought about firefighting as a serious career. But this– this is different.
When Yamaguchi dragged over Kei– The Kei– Kuroo was expecting to turn around and meet a complete stranger. As a self-proclaimed master detective– he would totally know if the hours worth of stories he had been told had actually been about someone he already knew. Even an average person that didn’t have Kuroo’s (AKA Sherlock reincarnated) level of detective abilities would be able to figure out something that obvious, right?
Wrong.
Dead wrong.
Deader-than-Sherlock-himself wrong.
Because standing in front of him, in all of his six-foot-five, menacing as hell glory– Is Tsukishima. Tsukki. His coworker. The assfriend. Tsukki-poo. The lockbox of secrets Kuroo has tried ever so hard to unravel. That guy.
He looks between Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, pointing a finger between them. “This is a joke, right? Very funny you two. Hardy har har,” He brushes them off and half expects the real Kei to jump out from behind the corner.
Yeah, no, it can’t be. I’m not that clueless. There’s no way in hell that President Asshole Tsukishima could possibly be the sappy Kei that Yamaguchi talks about all the time.
Yamaguchi cocks his head. “Huh? Uh– no. Kuroo, what are you talking about?” Yamaguchi laughs awkwardly, clearly very confused. If this is a joke, it’s a well crafted one. But…what if it’s not? Upon closer inspection, Yamaguchi appears to be holding Tsukishima’s hand. When Kuroo and Bokuto so much as graze Tsukishima, he writhers away from them and practically hisses like a stray cat.
No– wait.There’s no way Yamaguchi would pull something like this. He’s been excited about this for too long. Kuroo decides. Which means… holy fucking shit. His easygoing smile slowly morphs into a wide eyed gaping stare.
Tsukishima is avoiding Kuroo’s eye contact, and Kuroo notices a pink tinge to his cheeks. Tsukishima Kei? No wonder the name seemed so familiar to him when Yamaguchi first mentioned it.
Kuroo blinks slowly, trying to process all the information that has been suddenly put upon him. Once he finally ropes a few of his thoughts together, he buckles over and starts cackling so hard he has to put his drink down and feels tears welling up in his eyes. “Oh my god– Tsukki! You’re Kei?!?”
Yamaguchi looks between Kuroo and Tsukishima and furrows his eyebrows. “Wait– You two know each other?
Tsukishima looks down at the floor. “Unfortunately,” He grumbles.
Kuroo is trying to keep himself from falling on the floor, he is wheezing so hard. “Are you sure, Yamaguchi? This is your guy? Seriously. This isn’t some sort of elaborate prank?”
Tsukishima rolls his eyes and pushes up his glasses. “Do I really need to pull out my birth certificate?”
Oh lord, Yamaguchi did mention that Kei was an asshole. And if an asshole test exists in the world, Tsukishima would get a perfect score with his eyes closed.
His side hurts from laughing with all of his energy. Kuroo finally catches his breath and wipes a tear from his eye. His grin only gets wider at his newfound realization. “Wait, so that must mean Yamaguchi is–”
“My boyfriend, yes,” Tsukishima interrupts, and Yamaguchi swells a little with pride. It’s a stark contrast to the blonde’s careless deadpan. “I don't know how you didn't pick up on it after I was walking our dog this morning.”
“Holy shit I didn’t even-” Kuroo stops and suddenly– So many puzzle pieces fall into place. Countless experiences of theirs line up with each other.
They moved in with their boyfriends at the same time. Yamaguchi is probably shadowing the career counselor at the school Tsukishima has his connection at. Yamaguchi was gone on a trip the same time that Tsukishima was pissy, and Yamaguchi even said he was going to call his boyfriend on his break. And Tsukishima received a call on his break.
“I’m sorry–” Yamaguchi interrupts Kuroo’s inner monologue. “But how do you two know each other? You met this morning? I'm really confused.”
Kuroo is still recovering from the shock, so his laugh comes out awkward and sheepish. “No, no,” He clarifies with a wave of his hand. “We work together.”
Oh lord. So many things make sense now. Kei is majoring in paleontology– that’s why Tsukishima is so interested in helping with all the exhibits at the museum. Tsukki’s always playing those boring stations on the work radio– and Kei likes watching documentaries about classical music.
Tsukki clears his throat. “I’ve talked about him before. You know him as pain in the ass number one, Tadashi.”
Yamaguchi’s eyes widen in realization and he starts to laugh just as Kuroo stops. Kuroo whips his head around at the not-so-nice nickname. “What the hell? Bro. Are Bokuto and Akaashi two and three, then?”
Tsukishima shrugs. “Well, Bokuto is pain in the ass number two, but Akaashi is just Akaashi.”
“Wait– I mean, Kuroo, how did you not know? Kei said he let it slip to pain in th– I mean– You, weeks ago,” Yamaguchi is still laughing, and at this point they are practically yelling to hear each other over the noise around them.
And Kei takes a while to open up to people. Am I actually stupid?
Kuroo has to clear his throat to keep from stuttering. He really has no defense. “He only told me because I found a note in his lun–” His face drops and he runs his hands through his hair as he groans. “Oh god. I knew that handwriting looked familiar.”
“Wow Kuroo, I expected more of you," Yamaguchi snickers. “I literally showed you a picture.”
Tsukukishima is now giggling alongside him. “Yeah Kuroo, what happened to ‘master detective’?”
Forget matches made in heaven, when Tsukishima and Yamaguchi team up on someone, they’re a match made in hell.
Kuroo wants to curl up in a ball and die. It’s all he can do to keep up his cool guy act to mask the reality of his embarrassment, but even that is beginning to crumble now that they are ganging up on him. He’s tempted to look up where the nearest tall building is so he can throw himself off of it. His vampire costume might as well have a rainbow wig, red nose, and obnoxious face paint with how much he’s resembling a clown.
“In my defense, you are very different people, and the image of Kei I had in my head was so– God,” His master detective title is becoming less and less realistic the more he thinks about the whole situation. He’s laughing, yeah, but primarily at himself. “You guys have been dating this long?” Part of him still can’t wrap his head around it.
“Yep. Third year at Karasuno high school,” Yamaguchi confirms. He turns to– Tsukki? Kei? Wait– His boyfriend, and looks up lovingly into his eyes. “I’m gonna get a drink– do you want another kahlua and milk?”
God, and they both said they’ve been dating since high school– and that’s why Karasuno sounded so familiar, I was right, they both went there. Sherlock? More like Sure, Yeah Right You Cock.
Tsukishima nods. Yamaguchi gives him a thumbs up and has to stand on his tiptoes to give Tsukishima a kiss on the cheek. Kuroo isn’t sure whether to start laughing again or smash his head repeatedly into a cabinet. Instead he’s just frozen, recalling every memory of ‘Kei’ and ‘Tsukishima’ and ‘Yamaguchi’ and ‘Secret Boyfriend’. The picture is finally being painted, and with every stroke of the brush, another obvious thing he missed is being stabbed into his brain.
Tsukishima apparently notices his dumbfounded stare, and calls it out. “What, cat got your tongue?”
Kuroo sighs with a grin and leans against the counter behind him. If he’s going to look stupid he might as well try and play it off as cool while he still can. “Well it’s just a lot to process, that’s all. Who knew you were a secret sweetheart, Tsukki-poo?” He swirls the drink in his bottle and takes a sip. Way too sweet for him. “Yamaguchi told me Kei had a sweet tooth– and I should have put that together with the cookies in your lunch plus the drink this morning, yeah– but Kahula and milk? Really? That’s your drink of choice?”
Tsukishima crosses his arms and manages one of those ‘fake nice’ smiles he is famous for. “You are in no position to be poking fun, Kuroo. You had so many obvious signs in front of you and still couldn’t use that tiny toddler brain of yours to put the jigsaw pieces together.”
Kuroo shoots him a finger gun sign. “Don’t forget, Tsukki, Yamaguchi talks an awful lot about his dearly beloved Kei.”
Tsukishima remains expressionless. “Not surprised. He’s always been that way.”
Kuroo finally figures out his costume– Ian Malcom from Jurassic Park. A very well timed reminder to something Kuroo can use in his favor. He takes the opportunity while he has it. “I know all about your T-rex socks, little figurines, dino-dictionaries, and, of course, all your sweeping romantic gestures. See, Tsukishima Kei is secretly a….lovesick nerd?” Kuroo feigns a dramatic gasp and feints against the counter sarcastically.
Tsukihima rolls his eyes, so Kuroo knows he’s hit the landing. That profile he made on Kei is going to come in very handy at work. “Whatever…” Tsukishima mumbles under his breath.
There’s a moment where neither of them says anything, both feeling awkward about their positions. They both contemplate the deadlock of harassment they will soon be in while the party around them is filled with life. He can practically hear the soundtrack of an old western in the background. Kuroo can make fun of Tsukishima all he wants, but Tsukishima can always retaliate by bringing up all the signs he missed along the way.
It would very clearly ruin his otherwise perfect detective reputation.
Kuroo figures that a self-deprecating joke is the best way to clear the air. Maybe he can make the best of this. “I’ll have to give up my title, I suppose. I’m not exactly the best detective ever, am I?”
A smile pulls at Tsukishima’s lips. “Definitely not. Not even close.”
“Well, since we’re never letting each other live this down, what do you say we call it a truce,” Kuroo offers, and extends his hand. “Friends?”
After a moment of contemplation, Tsukishima takes it and shakes. “We'll see,” It’s hesitant, and extremely awkward, but it’s progress.
The gesture melts away Kuroo’s embarrassment. If there was anything good to come from this situation, maybe it’s that there’s hope of getting closer with Tsukishima in the near future. Having Yamaguchi on his side would probably be a huge advantage.
The blonde joins Kuroo and leans on the counter next to him to avoid someone in a witch costume stumbling around in the living room. Kuroo grabs two ghost-topped cupcakes and hands one to Tsukishima. He accepts with a shrug, and they stare out at the party together. Some Michal Jackson song is blaring over the speakers, partially masked by various conversations and cheers. A couple dressed as superheroes walks in the door and starts greeting the people they know. There’s a group playing mario kart in front of them, and a separate huddle of girls is pointing and laughing in the corner. Two guys are doing some sort of dance-off. For such an awkward guy, Yamaguchi sure has a lot of connections.
The atmosphere of friendship is bringing out Kuroo’s sappy side. “Y’know, even if I couldn’t picture Tsukishima and Yamaguchi dating at first, I’ve always been a huge supporter of Yamaguchi and Kei.”
“Really?” Tsukishima asks, picking the frosting off the sides of his cupcake.
Kuroo nods. “Really. I was the one who convinced him to speak up about moving in, y’know. You’re welcome for that,” Tsukishima doesn’t say anything, but the look he gives Kuroo expresses a polite thanks. Kuroo finishes the last bite of his cupcake and folds up the wrapper. “From what I've heard, you really do seem like the perfect couple. Don’t mess this up, you’ve got a really good thing going,” He adds, giving Tsukishima a pat on the back. For once, Tsukishima doesn’t flinch away. He’s too busy staring over his shoulder. Maybe this asshole’s soft side really does exist, because his eyes are locked on his boyfriend.
Across the kitchen, Yamaguchi is calling, two bottles of kahlua and milk in hand. “Kei! I got them! Sorry it took me so long, I was catching up with Yachi!” He’s navigating his way through the partygoers and saying hi to every last one along the way.
Kuroo looks over at Tsukishima next to him. He has that soft smile on his face again– the one Kuroo first witnessed on their long distance phone call at work. It’s filled with love and care– an admiration of sorts you can only fit into a single gaze when you have a truly lifelong connection. It's an expression that assures Kuroo what Tsukishima says next is true.
“I won’t, I promise."
Kuroo grins, and leans his head back in his arms. “Good."
Even though he may have gotten a little more of a shock than he expected at a random Halloween party, he’s happy for them, really. Turns out Tsukishima is actually a pretty decent guy, especially to Yamaguchi. They complement each other so well, and really bring out the best (and the snarkiest) in their counterpart.
Tsukishima has his not-so-enigmatic boyfriend; who can talk about ‘Kei’ for hours and change the entire course of Tsukishima’s mood with just a quick phone call. Yamaguchi has Kei; who will make huge romantic gestures at the drop of a hat and very clearly holds a special place in his heart for Yamaguchi. They make eachother happy, and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.
Holy shit, this is gonna make one funny ass speech at their wedding.