Chapter Text
Dazai had a strange dilemma going on at the moment.
You see, his homeroom teacher was married to his English teacher. Yep, Mr. Grumpy 'I need coffee' was dating Mr. Sunshine 'it’s seven a.m. so that means I’m going to yell as loud as I can.
He’s known ever since he caught Present Mic bringing Mr. Aizawa lunch; after that, all the dots started to connect. Honestly, Dazai is surprised he didn’t figure it out sooner. Heck, if he hadn’t been so focused on tormenting his classmates, he would have figured it out much sooner.
Back to the dilemma. To tell, or not to tell.
At first, it was fun to know more than everyone, but then he tried to tell Chuuya.
All the stupid chibi did was make fun of him for overthinking and told him to stop making stuff up. “Oi, what the hell do you mean by that. It's obvious that Aizawa sensei can barely stand him.” Ugh, of course he didn't believe him
No one believed Dazai since he does tend to have a habit of lie, and seeing how much he can get away with. Case in point: when Chuuya first joined the mafia, Dazai told him Hirotsu was dating Mori. Safe to say, Dazai lost all of his credibility on relationships after that.
So, that being said, he was going to tell 1-A and make Chibiko look stupid for being the only one not believing him.
Problem solved.
Now where to start….
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Mina Ashido, self-proclaimed love expert. If she believed him, then everyone would follow, and soon the whole class would know about it. He wouldn’t even need to do much work. She would do it all for him.
At 5pm sharp on Saturday night, Dazai emerged from his room with a plan formed and ready to execute it.
The common room was quite crowded. Everyone had their own thing going on, but on the couches, you could spot Mina, Kaminari, and some of his other classmates. All he has to do is walk up to them. Easy enough.
Upon further investigation, he discovered they were watching some shitty romcom; perfect.
Phase one - get them to question Mr. Aizawa's love life
“What are you guys watching~”
“Oh, hi Dazai, we're just watching 27 dresses." Mina responded, his target, now to switch the topic -
“Yeah, it's about this girl named Jane, and she's been a bridesmaid for twenty-seven different weddings. One night, while she was attending two weddings almost simultaneously, she met Kevin Doyle, who disgusts her with his cynical views of marriage." Midoriya continued, "Kevin and Jane share a cab home, where she forgets her day planner. Kevin snoops through the planner and resolves to return it to Jane. Meanwhile, Jane's sister, Tess, returns from a trip to Europe and quickly falls in love with Jane's boss, George, on whom Jane also has an unrequited crush. Tess feigns interest in George's passion for the outdoors and animal rights. Their courtship progresses rapidly. Soon, they announce plans to marry in three weeks. Tess then enlists Jane to be the wedding planner. I copy and pasted that, btw because no way I'm writing all of that, you can skip to the end of the paragraph if you don't want to read all of this. Tess and George's nuptials will be featured in the newspaper's Commitments section. The reporter turns out to be Kevin, who writes wedding announcements under the pseudonym Malcolm. Kevin successfully returns Jane's planner but decides to use the contents as material for a piece on the "perennial bridesmaid" as a stepping stone to more serious journalistic pursuits. Jane is unaware of Kevin's intentions. During their interview about Tess's wedding, Jane shows him the 27 bridesmaids' dresses in her closet. He takes pictures of her wearing all 27 dresses and submits the photos and his article about Jane for publication. As Kevin and Jane grow closer, he has second thoughts and begs his editor to hold off on publishing the arctic-”
“Midoriya I think he gets the memo.” Kamniary says. Thank god, honestly. He doesn't usually mind Midoriya’s rambling, but he has a plan to execute now.
“Ah, sorry about that! you know how I get...” Midoriya apologized. To his credit, he did look embarrassed about it. Maybe he should have told Midoriya first. He would have rambled on about it to everyone, the whole world would know.. Well, now is not the time to dwell on it. He needs to make chibi look dumb.
“Ah, love stories. Aren't they amazing? I wish I could have a love story” He didn’t, but his smile told them otherwise. He had on smile #16, the convincing smile, with a twinge of hopeful sparkle.
Mina perked up at that, like she had been thinking about it for a while, “Me too, you know. To have someone care for you, know you at your worse, bring you lunch at work.” Mina spoke with so much passion. She walked right into the plan.
Bingo.
Everything was going according to plan. “Speaking of bringing lunch to work. Did you guys see that, Mr. Aizawa always has lunch with him” Dazai said. He tried to go for the curious look. Glancing around to his classmates. It looks like it might be working.
If everything goes well, they will question who makes them, and then he just needs to in bring President Mic into the conversation and let the problem work itself out.
Midoriya makes a face as if he’s thinking about every time Mr. Aizawa had eaten lunch "Wait he's right, and they're complicated too. He doesn't seem like the type to wake up early to make them”
Mina completely lights up at this. She could have just won a million dollars with the face she’s making. “ Omg! Omg! Mr. Aizawa has a secret wifeee! Who do you guys think it is?”
A what ….
They can't be serious. Do they actually believe HE’S straight?
The conversation keeps going, and Dazai can’t even respond; this is one of the only times he's been honestly baffled.
They think it’s Midnight for fucks sake.
Phase one - get them to question Mr. Aizawa's love life
Phase zero- get them to realize the gayest teacher on campus isn’t straight.
“Dazai, what teacher do you have your bets on?” He doesn’t even care who asked but at that point he goes on with his new plan anyway.
“Well, if you ask me, I would say President Mic.” They think he’s crazy, at least that’s what their faces say.
“What?!”
“Really?, no way”
“Yeah right!”
“No way it's him.”
Wow, they 100% thought he was straight.
Phase zero- get them to realize the gayest teacher on campus isn’t straight.
“Come on guys, he's just messing with us." Kaminari says, with a face that says he saw right through him. He didn’t. All he did was ruin the little progress he had going on.
“Wait guys, he has a point! just think about it!.” Midoriya his savior says.
“Come on Midoriya, as much as I love the grumpy x sunshine trope, there's no way they would be together” MINA says, out of everyone, the one he trusted with his plan. He could not believe this, at this point it would be better to write in in his suicide note. That way no one would question him.
The conversation in the background is completely ignored by him. Dazai is just defeated at this point. Good thing Chuuya isn't here. He would never let him live that down. All hope isn't lost, he just needs to think of a new plan. Someone who is easier to convince. He just has to think. So far he has thought of two options. One Midoriya, he already believes him half way, he just needs him to convince him all the way. The other one is Momo Yaoyorozu. He’s been building up friendship points with her, maybe if he “cashed” them out, she would believe him.
Now for making plan two phase one.