Chapter Text
It’s an early November morning, when Shouta lays in his bed staring at the ceiling. He is turning 37 today and it’s his first birthday he will spend without Hizashi. Getting older without Hizashi seems weird and unreal, but so does Hizasi’s death. Shouta finds a necklace under his fingerprints, rolling around two gold wedding rings and a small simple ash holder. His heart still skips a beat, when he thinks that it’s all that’s left of his husband, even though it’s been more than a month since Hizashi died.
You would have thought, Shouta was almost forty, he was a hero for almost twenty years, he lost his first close person when he was sixteen, he would be used to the loss. He should have been prepared for the day he would lose Hizashi, he had time to prepare himself. He was the one who told doctors to pull the plug. But he wasn’t prepared at all.
Hizashi was the one who was always prepared. That’s why Hizashi bought a small ash holder, found a crematorium and spoke about his will with other people. He handled everything, including his radio show, his car and his bank savings in the first stages of his illness. Shouta didn’t do shit, too busy trying to understand that his husband was dying to do anything at all. He tried to stay collected for Hizashi, but he knew he wasn’t doing a good job, Hizashi could always look right through him.
That’s why Shouta wasn’t prepared. The first night without Hizashi, he woke up in cold sweat, reaching for his dead husband and not finding anything on the other half of the bed. The first morning without Hizashi he went to make a cup of hibiscus tea, because they both switched to that, when Hizashi was cut off from caffeine, just to remember that he can drink coffee as much as he wants. He makes a cup of tea anyway. He hates it.
To his surprise, Hizashi didn’t want funerals or anything like that. In his will it was curtly stated that he wants to be cremated and Shouta or Hizashi’s moms can do what they want with ashes. Cremation goes smoothly and Shouta receives Hizashi’s ashes in a small necklace, while Hizashi’s parents get an urn that they put in their house.
Eri comes home a day after cremation, together with Hitoshi, who stays in the guest room, ignoring the glares from Shouta. Eri sleeps in the guest room with Hitoshi and he doesn’t protest. Hitoshi is the one who opens his curtains on days when Shouta doesn’t want to get out of his room. He brings him food and water, while Shouta buries himself in his sleeping bag, refusing to sleep in the bed. He changes the sheets, vacuums, cleans everything out, but even a month later he still finds blond long hair everywhere in his room. He cleans out everything in the bathroom, but sometimes he can still smell vomit and see Hizashi on the floor, sweaty and unresponsive with an empty pill container on the sink.
Everyone is hoarding around him. Hitoshi, Togata, Hizashi’s parents and even Eri. Which is ridiculous, because he is the parent, the adult here and he is supposed to be the one taking care of her. But he is not really capable right now and he doesn’t have enough fight in him to argue. This state kinda reminds him of the time when Oboro died, but at the same time it’s completely different. After Oboro died Shouta wanted to become more, to save more people so he can feel better about not being able to save Oboro. That time, there wasn’t anything that he could have done to save Hizashi. He didn’t die from the villain or Shouta’s mistake. Shouta can’t do better, so he does nothing.
It’s his birthday and, unfortunately, he has to get up and get ready. Hizashi’s moms uninvited him, Hitoshi and Eri over without the possibility of saying ‘no’. Shouta puts his prosthetic leg on, goes to the bathroom and leans on the sink, breathing in slowly. His hair is tickling his face and wrapping around his neck, bringing back his memories. Hizashi coming from the back and putting Shouta’s hair in a ponytail while he was grading homework. Hizashi blowing on his bangs to get them away from Shouta’s face and kissing his forehead. Hizashi carefully braiding his hair, using a spray to get all the knots out. It makes him sick. He can feel Hizashi’s hands on his hair, moving it, pushing it away from his face and he can’t handle it. He can remember his 35-th birthday, the one before they got the news, Hizashi hugging him in the bathroom and twirling his hair on his long finger with a soft smile.
Shouta finds scissors and chops off a big chunk of his hair, going almost to the scalp. When he is done, his hair sticks out unevenly and his head feels cold. Shouta looks in the mirror, feeling strands of his hair under his bare feet and swiping the rest off his head. It feels freeing, but then he looks at the hair on the floor and feels guilty, getting rid of something Hizashi loved so dearly. There is a knock on the door and Shouta looks up to see Hitoshi.
“Oh. Huh.” He quickly checks the floor and clears his throat. “We should leave in half an hour. Happy birthday. Please, put on something that is not covered in sweat and crumbs.”
Shouta looks down on his shirt that he didn’t change for a couple of weeks and frowns, opening his mouth, but the little brat is off. He sighs, collecting himself and cleaning up a little bit, putting an eye patch on and going out to change. Hizashi’s clothes are still in the closet, because he couldn’t force himself to clean out the apartment just yet. Hizashi was in so much stuff that it felt as if it would be bare if he cleans up. Shouta puts on a black hoodie with black sweatpants and goes outside of the room to squint his eyes from sunshine.
“Daddy, happy birthday!” Eri runs to him and gets on his arms, leaving a small kiss on his cheek. “I made you a postcard. Hitoshi-san helped me though.”
“Thank you, Eri.” Shouta accepts a card and fixes the girl on his hip. “How about we look at the card when we get to Nana’s place?”
“O-kay!” His daughter wraps her little arms around his neck, looking at his short hair sheepishly and Shouta feels guilty again, because Hizashi was not the only one who loved his long hair. He feels guilty, because he was so lost in his grief, he didn’t spend so much time with Eri or Hitoshi.
He sits on the back, holding Eri’s hand, while Hitoshi is driving Hizashi’s car. It’s not as perfect as Hizashi’s driving, but it’s alright. Hizashi would be proud.
“Your driving is better. Good job.” He sees Hitoshi flinch a little bit and nod shyly, looking in the mirror for a second.
“Thanks.”
The ride is mostly silent, with quiet music playing in the background and Shouta nods off, when Eri starts to tell Hitoshi about something at her school. They arrive to Hizashi's parents, a nice house that Hizashi bought as soon as he got enough money from his jobs. It’s not too big, but it has a nice little garden for Yoshiko and a studio in a basement for Naomi. Both women are retired now, enjoying their 70s in peace. If you can call it peace, when your son dies before you.
Yoshiko is a short and gentle woman, who was deaf and mute, which was one of the reasons the couple adopted Hizashi in the first place. Her wife, Naomi, was hard of hearing, a tall and muscular woman with tattoos over her arms, strong personality, but soft heart. Yoshiko was working at the flower shop owned by Naomi’s parents, a typical meet-cute story that Hizashi loved to tell time and time again over family dinners. Shouta’s father, when he was still alive, often came over to this house, when Naomi was teaching him how to cook something more extravagant than spaghetti.
Naomi was the one who opened the door, hugging Eri tightly and pushing the kids inside the house. She stopped Shouta when he tried to come in.
“Yoshiko will take care of the kids. I have to show you something.” She put her hand on Shouta’s shoulder, leading him to the basement with her strong hold.
“If you are trying to kill me, I think people will figure it out.”
“Brat.” Naomi rolls her eyes, but she has a softer smile on her face and Shouta feels a bit more like home. She opens the basement and turns the light on. “This is what Hizashi has been working on, when he was visiting us in the early stages. Those are for you and Eri. Hitoshi already received his part. Also, that’s yours.”
Shouta looks with an open mouth to a pile of presents, carefully wrapped around in Hizashi’s style. He feels Naomi putting something in his hand and looks down to see a letter and a portable cassette player with a tape inside. There is Hizashi’s handwriting and Shouta feels his heart sting.
“Sit down, son. Take your time. Happy birthday.” Naomi puts her arm on the top of his head, ruffling his short hair. “And when you are done, Yoshi is fixing this monstrosity. You are a terrible barber.” With that, she leaves and quietly closes the door behind her, leaving Shouta alone with everything his husband left for him. He sits down and breathes out, opening a letter with shaking hands. It’s Hizashi’s careful handwriting and Shouta feels his eye sting.
"Dear Shouta,
I’m writing it a month after my diagnosis. So you know, I am still stable at the time, I had some problems with muscle stiffness, but nothing major.
I'm writing this letter and I am not sure if you will ever read this, but I hope you will, my love. I am planning to leave it with my Ma, so she could give it to you, when she thinks it’s time. She can read you pretty well.
If you read it, I am dead and I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything you went through, I am sorry you got to see me looking at you, like I don’t know you. I assure you, you are my other half, my favourite person, my star. I love you so much and I hope you can forgive me for those loveless eyes I was looking at you with in those last months. I tried so hard to never hurt you, but I know I did and I do and I will. And I am sorry. I know you will love me till your dying breath and I won’t tell you to find love again. In case you do, that’s okay, I am happy for you. But even if you don’t, I know you are not alone. All those kids love you, they will take care of you and you will take care of them.
And don’t you dare follow me a minute early. I will be waiting for you, take as much time as you need. See Eri ‘s graduation, go to every single one of her concerts, I know she is gonna be a great musician. See Hitoshi and Bakugo grow up to be great heroes. Poke at Midoriya for his decision to be a teacher, I know he's gonna be too soft with kids and you won’t like it, you grump. Buy some Uravity merch for me, if you would. Don’t forget to visit Kayama’s and Shirakumo’s graves. Grow old, have grey hair and live a happy life. As long as you are happy, my greatest wish in life will come true.
I hope you know how amazing you are, my love. Remember our time at school, when you thought you were too weak to be a hero? For me, you are the most amazing hero of them all. You always were, you always will be. You saved so many people and I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am to call you my husband.
The thing is, you saved people, not only as a hero, but as a teacher, as a father, as a husband, as a friend. You are an amazing person and I can’t believe that I got to call you mine till the end of my life. Oh, how I wish we had more time together, my star, but I am afraid no time with you will ever be enough for me. I fear that time in the future, when I will forget you. I fear how much it will hurt you to not see recognition in my eyes. I just hope you remember that I loved you even if I didn’t remember how to speak. My love for you was never about the words, but here I am, using my last opportunity to show you how much you mean to me. All the memories about my love for you are engraved in me and it pains me to lose them so soon.
Remember, in high school you always had jelly pouches stored in your desk and your sleeping bag? You always thought that you forgot that you put them there and I’ve never corrected you. I was the one putting them everywhere, because I was worried you didn’t eat enough. I figured out your favourite flavour pretty quick and started buying more of those, sometimes sneaking in a protein bar in your backpack. My moms are still wondering where my pocket money went all the time.
When we started living together, you probably didn’t notice, but your hair became less fizzy. That’s because for ten years or so, I started pouring out your cheap shampoo and conditioner to fill the bottles up with normal ones. I didn’t use any fancy smell, because I knew you would notice. I will leave you the name of the brand with a note, so please, use it on your luxurious black waves, okay?
That time you couldn’t come to feed street cats because you were in the hospital and you were worried about them? I fed them every day and after that you told me that one of them looked fat. I may have overfed him.
Now that we are talking about cats, kiss Orange, Shadow and Sushi on their stupid little heads for me, okay? I know they are gonna miss their favourite parent.
Also, I am sorry, but I lied to you all my life, I hate mango flavoured drinks. I was just so happy when you got it for me for the first time, I never had a heart to tell you that I hate them.
The biggest secret is that your scarf doesn’t wash itself, I am doing it, so please, wash your capture scarf! With hands!!
I’m sorry, I meant to stay serious, but how can I? I am dying at the end of the day and my main job throughout my life was to make you smile.
So I hope you smile, Shouta. I hope you smile to Eri, because our kid deserves all the smiles in the world. I hope she smiles back at you, because her smile is precious. And I hope I’ll see you again some day, so don’t cry about me, because I will be waiting for you.
I’m going to a place where all my nights aren’t wasted losing sleep. I’m going to the place where love can thrive and I can’t feel no pain, so don’t cry about me, because I know where I’ll be.
I love you, my dear husband, my only star at night, my best friend and my partner.
Yours forever, Hizashi."
There are tears falling down on the letter, but Shouta doesn’t stop them, curling into himself and sobbing into his knees. He puts a hand around his head and brokenly apologises to Hizashi that he got rid of his hair. In the silence of the soundproof basement he promises to take care of Eri and live a long life. He promises Hizashi they will meet again.
When he comes out of the basement, Naomi wraps him up in a bear hug and Shouta lets her. He smiles at Eri’s postcard and lets Yoshiko give him a proper haircut. He doesn’t say anything, when Hitoshi sobs in his shoulder, just hugging the kid and apologising for his behaviour, promising to do better. It’s midnight, Shouta sits in the guest room bed and listens to the mix tape made by Hizashi with all of their songs. Shouta remembers every single one of them.
He does everything Hizashi told him to do. His hair grows out a bit and Shouta keeps it in the “emo-bob” that he had, when Hizashi and him first met. He goes to Eri’s first concert and smiles, receiving a bright smile back. Shouta visits graves of their friends and mourns them. He goes back to teaching, teasing Midoriya about his softness.
Sometimes he feels himself drowning in his grief, hoping to meet Hizashi soon.This is the first time Hizashi is not by his side. He was there when Oboro died, then his father, then Kayama. It’s all too much to bear and it’s hard to breathe, but he has a promise to keep and people to live for.
And when his time is up, has he done enough? Will Hizashi accept him with open arms and say that he is proud of him?
I can’t wait to see you again, it’s only a matter of time.