Chapter Text
“I’m noticing you haven’t pointed out a single star or planet to me yet,” Jean-Luc remarked with a smirk.
Beverly smirked back. “Well, I could… How about that one?”
“I know exactly which one you mean. I believe that’s Minos.”
She snorted. “Jean-Luc…”
“We spent the better part of a day in a hole, as I recall.”
“Yes, well… I gave you all the chances I could think of, even in the face of death, and you didn’t take them.”
Jean-Luc looked sideways at her from where they lay nuzzled together on a blanket under the starry sky. “What do you mean?”
She scoffed whimsically. “I told you, ‘Try to keep her warm, Jean-Luc.’ I practically begged you, and what did you do? You started walking in circles in a confined space, telling me to stay awake.”
“Beverly,” he said with mild indignation. “I was looking for a way out… so you could get proper care. From a professional.”
“Mhm…” she hummed, clearly unimpressed.
“In hindsight,” he admitted, “I should have tried to keep you warm. But it didn’t seem appropriate to…”
She giggled against his neck, competing with the crickets humming around them.
“Beverly…” he said again, even more indignant, before kissing her temple.
“Chances. What do you mean, chances?” he asked.
She sighed deeply. “I also told you there were quite a few things you didn’t know about me.”
“Yes, well… there was the weapons system. And Data… And the roots, Beverly. I found roots, remember.”
“Mhm, but you never asked me about it afterward.”
“I came to see you in Sickbay before I went to the bridge, you know. You were in surgery with your leg.”
“I didn’t know that.” She said softly tickling him behind his ear with her fingers.
“No, well… I suppose I should have…” He sighed. “You know I was never good at those things. Even less so then. You’ve softened me since.”
“Maybe a little. I do wonder, though…”
“What?”
“What would have happened if you had kept me warm?”
“Really, Beverly…”
She snorted at his growing indignation. “Who knows how many Jacks we could have had …”
He huffed out a breath feeling quite struck by that thought.
“How did you feel then?” she asked more seriously. “That first year serving together. I know we talked a little about before… when Jack was alive. But after Kesprytt, you told me you didn’t feel that way for me anymore.”
He cleared his throat, running a hand over his face. “Oh, Beverly…”
“What does that mean? Don’t oh, Beverly me” she teased gently.
“It was a very big lie, which I think you suspected even then. But it was what I had to convince myself of when you came onboard. I think I spent so much time doing it, it became my truth… even if it wasn’t.”
She kissed his neck briefly. “Did I make it very hard for you? Insisting on the position?”
“No… you were the highlight of most of my days. Seeing you in the observation lounge, finding excuses to come to Sickbay and ask you things I could’ve handled over comms… I loved every minute. Even if you were very distracting.”
“It’s not my fault you can’t concentrate,” she smirked.
“No, it’s not. It’s just a fact of life for me when you’re near. It always has been, ever since Jack introduced us. Actually, I’d already seen you a few days before that, talking to Boothby. I thought you were the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, and I decided to find out who you were.”
Her eyebrows rose. “Really?”
“Yes. But then Jack introduced you as his girlfriend, and after speaking with you for about a minute, I knew there would never be anyone else for me. I resented that fact, knowing it wasn’t just harmless infatuation right then and there. That was a lie too, and yet … ” His voice softened as it trailed off.
“And yet?” she prompted, tugging at his shirt.
“And yet I drove you away when we could have…”
“Jean-Luc…”
“But I did, didn’t I?”
“I don’t know anymore. No, I don’t think you did. I think I convinced myself I needed to leave to keep Jack safe. I didn’t want to, but I thought it was the only way. I clung to what I thought I knew… that you never wanted to be a father. It made it easier to leave. But…” Her voice faltered.
He turned toward her, waiting.
“But I never truly believed that. I believed you were afraid of it, but years before I was pregnant, I thought that if you ever became a father, you’d be great at it. You just didn’t know it. When I was in it, though, with all the dangers… it was easier to stick to what you’d said than to trust what I knew in my heart.”
“That I could make a good father?” he asked softly.
She nodded. “... and that you would love it …”
“Did I give you cause to doubt that I loved you?” he asked, looking up at the moon.
She was quiet for a moment. “I… I don’t know. I knew I was important to you, but I didn’t believe you truly wanted me. I felt as if I was in your way. Not because you didn’t love me, but probably because you did, and that I was somehow always something you had never planned for in your life.”
He pulled her closer. “Beverly, I told you, you were the brightest part of my days. I’m so sorry if I took you for granted. I thought you knew… that if I ever had to make an unequivocal choice, it would always be you.”
She shook her head. “I knew you’d die for me. I think I even knew you’d have chosen to be Jack’s father if I’d told you. But I didn’t trust it was what you wanted. I was afraid for Jack. I know I failed to keep him safe, but that's all I thought about.”
“You didn’t fail, Beverly. You failed to keep yourself safe, to give yourself what you wanted. But not Jack.”
They fell quiet.
“I’m grateful, Jean-Luc…”
“Please don’t be grateful for me loving my son,” he said, almost offended.
“No, that’s not what I meant…”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“I’m grateful for you raising Jack to … love me, even when I was gone.”
“That wasn’t hard, Beverly. My love for you transferred to him the moment I saw him. It was the only way I knew to be his father.”
“I’m sorry I ran,” she whispered.
“Beverly, we’ve been through this. I’ve never doubted you did what you thought was right. I don’t question your motives.”
“But if I’d stayed…”
“It’s the butterfly effect, Beverly. We can’t know. Losing you jolted me into becoming someone I like better than the man I was then.”
“You were always a good man,” she said, smiling softly. “Even when you were a bit…”
“A bit what?”
“A bit uptight.”
“Uptight? I’ll have you know I was famous for letting my hair down when I was young.”
She snorted. “Did you just make a hair joke?”
“Growth,” he said with a smirk.
“Another hair joke.” she giggled.
“Unintentional. Low blow, Beverly,” he chuckled, rolling on top of her.
Their noses brushed before he kissed her deeply.
“I love you, Beverly. I always have, even if I couldn’t take a hint when we were alone in a hole.”
“I love you too. That’s why I asked for the posting on the Enterprise all those years ago.”
“I know,” he murmured, trailing butterfly kisses down her neck.