Chapter Text
Prologue
The wind howled eerily as the December weather fiercely rattled the panes and shutters attached to the dorm windows outside.
Accompanied by the sound of the wind was the radiator, as it sputtered and rumbled in a feeble attempt to produce hot air to fill the chilly, silent room.
Neil Perry would’ve found the situation aggravating had he been alone, but he was perfectly happy as he and another body pressed against one another on his tiny twin-sized bed— exchanging each other’s warmth and developing their own personal furnace beneath the scratchy blankets and thin sheets.
He was wholly content to lay in the dark aside from the dim lamplight drenching the room in a yellow glow, the atmosphere peaceful and hushed, and the feel of someone else’s startlingly cold feet wedged between his calves in a desperate effort to leech his heat. Neil didn’t mind a single bit as small puffs of breaths hit against his collarbone in a rhythmic pattern nor the feathery strands of his roommate’s blonde hair occasionally sticking to his bottom lip or brushing up towards his nose and causing a similar sensation of needing to sneeze.
No, he was not bothered in the slightest.
He could spend hours, days, even years sprawled out on a lumpy mattress, not moving a single muscle, if it meant his boyfriend was wrapped within the safety of his arms and resting his head on Neil’s chest— the two of them blissfully unaware of the world around them as they settled into their secure little bubble.
He was as gleeful as could be. He was on cloud nine, orbiting space with a joy that couldn’t be smothered by the stress of classwork or the sternness of teachers. Henley Hall’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream was a week away from opening night, and five days ago— while he and Todd Anderson had been rehearsing lines together on the dock— he had built up the courage to confess to the quiet blonde boy about his more-than-friendly feelings he harbored since he’d heard his roommate spout an impromptu yet astounding poem in the middle of English class under the influence of Mr. Keating’s unwavering encouragement.
Todd had stood frozen, staring at Neil as if in a trance with an unreadable expression on his gorgeous face, and he had been briefly regretful of his quick decision— terrified he had ruined their wonderful friendship. But the moment of fear was short-lived as Todd, unexpectedly, gripped the front of his jacket and pulled him down into a tender yet passionate kiss that had snatched the air from his lungs and ended much too swift for Neil’s liking. However, he hadn't been too disappointed because the blonde had then whispered “yes”, and shyly admitted that he’d had a crush on Neil since their very first Dead Poets Society meeting. He had spared no time to yank the bashful blonde back in for another searing kiss.
The pair had continued practicing lines on the dock, bathed in the cascading hues of orange and pink from the setting sun, but not without sneaking a few more kisses here and there.
Two days ago, the couple had professed their newfound relationship to the rest of the Dead Poets and had been met with an uproar of loud cheers and expressive yawping.
“Fucking finally!” Charlie had hollered as he grappled his two friends into a tight hug. “I was starting to believe you two idiots were never going to figure it out.”
Their friends had laughed while Neil had rolled his eyes and smacked his best friend upside the head while Todd had blushed a brilliant shade of red and huffed in a mixture of exasperation and embarrassment. But then he and Todd had exchanged a gentle kiss in the damp, musky cave surrounded by their closest friends and the delighted squeals and applause from the Dead Poets had been deafening. And when he had felt the blonde smile against his lips, Neil had dreamed for nothing more than to never lose that memory where his heart had been near to bursting with child-like giddiness and unbridled love.
He wished life could only contain the best moments.
Todd stirred, eyes fluttering open and Neil was jolted from his thoughts as pale blue eyes flickered up to peer at him.
“Why aren’t you asleep?” He asked the blonde, bringing his hand up to brush his boyfriend’s bangs away from his forehead.
“I could ask you the same thing,” Todd replied sleepily.
“I was just thinking,” he murmured.
Todd hummed. “About?”
“Us.”
“Oh,” his boyfriend looked at him curiously. “What about us?”
“Well,” Neil mulled over what to say next. “Do you believe that there’s other realms out there? Or dimensions? Or, like, alternate realities and universes?”
His boyfriend’s grogginess evaporated as he raised his brows at the question.
“Like some kind of different timeline that varied from this one?”
“Yeah.”
Todd seemed to ponder that for a second then nodded, “I’d like to think so.”
“Well, do you think we’d be together in all those different universes?”
He wasn’t sure why his heart hammered in his chest as he awaited a response.
His boyfriend tilted his head, thoughtfully, “perhaps not at the start.”
He couldn’t help but give a crestfallen frown, dismayed by the answer, and Todd chuckled— the vibration of the laughter reverberating through Neil’s bones and sparking all of his nerves with a lovely warmth. His frown lessened.
“Don’t look so morose,” the blonde mused.
“But what did you mean by that? You don’t think we’d be together in every universe?”
“I didn’t say that,” Todd explained with an easy smile. “I just don’t think it’s possible for us to know one another and already be together in every single universe.”
He opened his mouth to dispute.
“But-”
“But,” Todd interrupted as he clamped a hand over Neil’s mouth playfully. “I do believe that no matter what alternate universe we’re in, we will manage to find each other.”
He gave a wide grin as his boyfriend lowered his hand. He interlocked their hands, worming his fingers between the other boy’s, before Todd’s could hide away beneath the blankets.
“Really?”
“Neil,” Todd rolled his eyes fondly. “Even if we were two measly mushrooms in a massive forest, I think we’d somehow discover the same patch of sunlight to flourish in.”
Neil guffawed. “Why mushrooms?”
“It’s just a hypothetical.”
“Would that make us some fun guys or some fungi?”
Neil barked out a laugh at his boyfriend’s emphatic groan.
“Oh my god.” The blonde boy began detangling himself from Neil.
“Hey, where are you going?” He whined as the other boy started scooting off the bed.
“Back to my bed.”
“No,” Neil pouted, grabbing Todd’s torso and hauling his boyfriend back down into their previous position. “Stay.”
“Fine,” Todd huffed, but Neil could tell the annoyance was just a ruse with the way the slightly shorter boy instantly curled into his side. “But no more puns.”
“It was funny!”
“I give it a three out of ten.”
“You wound me, Anderson.”
“Oh you poor baby.”
“Charlie’s snarky behavior is rubbing off on you.”
“Bold of you to assume I wasn’t snarky before I transferred here.”
“Touché.”
“Now go to sleep.” Todd commanded. “It’s late.”
“Yes, mom,” Neil snickered as the blonde flicked him on the nose. “Wait.”
“Mm?”
“Do you really think we’d find each other in every universe?”
Todd didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“Even if we weren’t humans?” He reiterated.
“Yes.”
“Even if we had no memories of one another?” He continued.
“Yes.”
“Even-”
“Neil.” Todd cut him off.
“What?”
“No matter the how, where, or the when. No matter the circumstances. I would choose you over and over and over and over.”
Neil blinked in awe.
“You would?”
“Of course.”
The certainty in his boyfriend’s tone would’ve made him weak in the knees had he been standing up instead of lying down.
“What if I’m not the same person as I am in this world?”
“It wouldn’t make a difference,” Todd planted a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, the action causing his pulse to skip a beat. “It’ll always be you, Neil.”
“How can you be so sure?” He wondered aloud.
The blonde shrugged.
“Because it’s you and me.”
He stared at his boyfriend, incredulously, at how his roommate could make something inherently complex seem so simple— no confusion, no reluctance. So very opposite from how normally reticent and timid Todd could be.
“And I’m yours?” Neil queried.
“And you’re mine.” Todd affirmed.
“And you’re mine?”
“And I’m yours.”
“I like that.” He said reverently.
“Like what? Me?” Todd asked innocently.
“Yes, you.” Neil snorted in amusement. “But also the idea that in every alternate universe you and I would cross paths and end up together.”
“I like that concept, too.” Todd whispered, his fingers delicately tracing the curve of Neil’s jaw. “To experience falling in love with you again and again.”
Neil’s heart swelled as he smiled.
“You love me?”
Neil’s adoring smile grew as Todd’s cheeks flushed a deep crimson, and the blonde stuttered in a panic.
“Um, I mean, uh, well- I-”
“I love you, too.”
There was a pregnant pause.
“Y- you do?” The vulnerability in Todd’s voice made his chest ache.
“I love you,” Neil repeated, firmly. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
He proceeded to pepper sloppy, wet kisses all over the blonde’s face as he relished the way his boyfriend squirmed, struggling to cover Neil’s puckered lips with his hands, and giggled like a child— the sound carefree and as bright as a summer’s day.
They dispelled the cold air as boundless laughter invaded every corner, nook, and cranny of their shared room. The darkness of twilight couldn’t diminish their warmth as they cocooned themselves in the divine presence of just the two of them. No one would dare disturb them.
On the outside— to their peers, colleagues, and teachers at the stifling boarding school— they were viewed merely as close comrades and friendly roommates.
But Neil and Todd knew— they were much more than that.
December fifteenth.
A handful of hours after his performance in A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Neil methodically fiddled with the trigger of his father’s handgun.
His shirt was gone, he’d removed the crown of twigs, his skin was bare and riddled with goosebumps.
The moonlight that filtered in through the window was the only thing keeping the office from being entirely coated by the dark of night.
“I’m going to withdraw you from Welton, enroll you in a military academy, then it’ll be straight to Harvard medical school” his father had sworn countless times since he had been six-years-old, but had never gone through with the promise.
Until today.
Until this moment.
His father fully committed— the man’s threat was no longer an empty one.
Neil had been forced to watch as his father phoned both headmaster Nolan and the head drill sergeant at the Army Mountain Warfare School in Jericho, Vermont and left them both messages to return his calls first thing in the morning. He had been forced to observe as his mother sobbed pitifully into her handkerchief while Neil felt completely numb and helpless.
“Tell them how you really feel, who you really are! Show them your heart!” A voice inside of Neil, that sounded oddly similar to Mr. Keating, had screamed at him.
But he hadn’t been able to.
He hadn’t been brave enough to stand up against his father.
He was a cowardly fool whenever it came to the patriarch of his family.
And now, his world was up in flames, and crumbling into ashes in front of his eyes. He had no clue how to quench the impeding fires— his consequences were ablaze and scorching, and all he could do was burn.
He wasn’t allowed to return to Welton, under his father’s strict orders.
He wouldn’t be able to see his fellow Dead Poets anymore— Steven Meeks, Gerard Pitts, Richard Cameron, Knox Overstreet.
He wouldn’t get the chance to say goodbye to his best friend— Charlie Dalton.
He wouldn’t be given the opportunity to express how sorry he was to his English teacher— Mr. John Keating.
He didn’t seize the day. He didn’t gather ye rosebuds. He didn’t live by the words of Walt Whitman or Henry David Thoreau.
He had tried to suck the marrow out of life, but only succeeded in choking on the bone.
He wouldn’t have one last time to hold his boyfriend close and revel in the other boy’s familiar and comforting scents of drying ink, old library books, and ripe nectarines.
Todd Anderson.
His beloved.
His first and only true relationship.
A boy with eyes the exact, stunning shade as the lapping waves of the ocean‘s tide, with a breathtaking smile when he wasn’t too self-conscious to show it, and a personality that rivaled the ethereal shine of a thousand stars.
A boy with the mesmerizing talent to build landscapes and ancient architecture through written words alone. A boy with an intoxicating laugh and a calming, low voice that made Neil utterly melt away. A boy with persistent anxious tics and nervous energy, but was willing to shove aside his own problems in favor of devoting his attention to Neil.
A boy who taught him that love exists.
Neil brought the barrel of the gun to his left temple— his body trembling.
A logical part of his brain pleaded for him to re-wrap the rag around his father’s gun, slide the weapon into the top drawer of the mahogany desk where he'd located it, creep back to his childhood bedroom, and pretend like he hadn’t gone snooping through his father’s office.
A rational part of his mind begged for him to develop a different solution. A better solution.
The only other option he could think of in his emotional distress was to flee home.
But then what? Where would he go?
He couldn’t return to Welton and risk throwing his friends— throwing Todd— into trouble or any kind of danger. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.
And he couldn’t involve Mr. Keating. His lively, eccentric teacher was already on thin ice with his father and with the school board.
Running away wouldn’t solve anything. He would still inevitably be kept away from his friends and his boyfriend in the grand scheme of things.
The scared part of him did not want to die. The fear that crawled along his spine made him shiver at the thought of death— at the agony of sending a bullet through his skull.
He was petrified of the unknown that was involved with dying.
Meanwhile, the wistful part of his brain assured him that it’ll be quick and painless. And there was something exhilarating in the reckless abandonment of a witless choice after being weighed down by his father’s personal desires all his life.
Then, there was the hopeless romantic in him that assured him that there would be alternate realities— that heaven and hell was not real regardless of what his Catholic upbringing insisted.
There could be a chance he’d be reincarnated into a new world.
A world where he could be an actor.
Where he was unshackled by his father’s expectations.
Where he could love his boyfriend openly instead of in the confines of a cramped dorm room or an ominous cave deep within the woods.
He could be himself.
It could be Neil Perry and Todd Anderson.
“We will manage to find each other.”
He clung to the blonde’s words like a sacred prayer.
He steeled his nerves, digging the barrel of the gun further into his head.
He flexed his fingers.
He sucked in a deep breath.
During his last moments, he could hear the echo of the other Dead Poets sounding their barbaric yawps to the rooftops and Mr. Keating’s portable record player. He could imagine Charlie’s signature sly smirk, he could vividly see ocean blue eyes that he’d gladly drown in a dozen times over.
A picture of Todd swarmed his mind.
The last time he’d seen his boyfriend.
His father had been dragging him toward the car while his friends and Mr. Keating complained and demanded Mr. Perry left Neil be.
His memory haunted him with the look of devastation on Todd’s face when Neil couldn’t meet the blonde’s gaze through the car window, as he had accepted his fate and defeatedly slumping into the passenger’s seat. The anguished expression on his boyfriend’s face had him feeling sick to his stomach. A sense of guilt and an emotion akin to regret twisted within him.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
His last thought was a vow as he pulled the trigger.
I promise I will find you again, Todd.
Be patient, my love.
Wait for me.
BANG!
The darkness consumed him.