Chapter Text
Heeseung was struggling internally for the past couple of weeks after what happened. He knew that his dongsaengs were worried about him, especially since he didn’t tell them what really happened or how it made him feel. As a result, he became more and more reserved. He rarely spoke anymore to his members, the staff and even his interactions with ENGENE was different.
Heeseung knows logically that it wasn’t Sunghoon or Ni-ki’s fault. Or the fans for that matter, but what happened really affected him. It affected him in a way that he didn’t know would take such a hold on him.
Since that day, he hasn’t had a full conversation with his members or the staff. He only spoke when he needed to or when something was specifically directed towards him. Lately, they’re interviews were different. He pretty much just sat back and gave a smile whenever the camera would pan towards him and he would only answer questions that were directed towards him. He no longer added in any extra commentary or laughed along and did playful banter with his members.
His entire personality took a 360, he was no longer the flirty and outgoing member with ENGENE, he became withdrawn and timid.
He didn’t know how or wanted to burden his dongsaengs with his insecurities. He’s the eldest hyung after all. Knowing that he was already worrying his dongsaengs with his reclusiveness was making things awkward between them. He just didn’t know how to really stop feeling this way, but when you feel like your voice doesn’t matter, that hurts.
When you feel like what you have to say isn’t important, it crushes you.
The rest of his members had no idea that the fan event that they did back in December was the catalyst for him shutting down.
They were all at a big fan event in December, standing up on stage giving their closing ments after such a fun and successful fan event when it was his turn to give his closing ment. Right in the middle of his ment, he was suddenly interrupted by a chorus of the fans singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Sunghoon and Ni-ki since it was around the time of both of their birthdays. Of course, he wanted Sunghoon and Ni-ki to feel all of the birthday love from their fans, but he wished it just could’ve been done after his ment.
Something in his brain just switched at that moment. Now, he realized it was his insecurities. His self-confidence took a hit and doubt creeped in.
In order to try and protect himself, he stopped talking altogether.
He hasn’t had a real conversation with his members in weeks. He barely talks to the staff and his interactions with ENGENE are more reserved and his demeanor with them is timid at best now. If anyone does talk to him, he responds with one-word answers, hand gestures, a shrug of his shoulders, a head nod or a head shake, he even started resorting to grunts in his responses.
His brain has made that one incident turn him into a shell of his old self.
It's easier and better for him to not speak.
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Dinner
Something was different about dinner tonight.
His dongsaengs were acting strangely, more so than usual. Instead of their worried glances his way or them tip-toeing around trying to start up a conversation with him, they were sending more sincere smiles.
It was all very strange so he tried to eat his meal a bit quicker, so he could head back to the solitude of his bedroom.
After they all finished eating and began cleaning up to take their dishes into the kitchen, Heeseung tried to slip away to his room, but Jungwon stopped him as he said, “Heeseung-hyung, we’re having a team meeting. Please head into the living room.”
Heeseung stopped in his tracks and felt a bit caught off guard as he had a bit of a deer-in-headlights expression.
Jungwon was in leader mode.
Not responding verbally, he just nodded his head in acknowledgement as he made his way towards the living room.
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“Heeseung-hyung, this team meeting concerns you.” Jungwon began.
Heeseung turned and looked at Jungwon with alarmed, wide eyes.
“Hyung, we know what happened.” Jay adds.
Heeseung looks towards Jay next with trepidation.
“There was footage from the fan event that we did back in December. We saw what happened.” Sunoo replies sadly.
“Heeseung-hyung, we’re so sorry. We feel awful and like it’s our fault with what happened.” Ni-ki says apologetically.
Heeseung sent ashamed looks towards Sunghoon and Ni-ki as he shook his head in a way that he tried to express that it wasn’t their fault. It was no one’s fault. Not theirs or the fans.
In a gruff and regretful tone, Heeseung replied “No, it’s not either of your fault.”
“Hyung, we saw in that video how your smile instantly fell in that moment. We saw how you tried to hide your feelings, hide your hurt.” Jake said painfully.
Heeseung lowered his head in guilt and shame.
“Hyung, your voice matters. It always has and it always will.” Sunghoon said wholeheartedly.
Heeseung lifts his head when he hears Sunghoon say this.
His voice matters.
“We hope you know that we always want to hear what you have to say and ENGENE do too. You’re our hyung, we all admire you so much. And, ENGENE adore you and hang onto your every word when you speak. We’re so sorry that this all happened and you felt like you couldn’t have a voice.” Jungwon said sincerely.
Heeseung let what his dongsaengs said sink in. He felt bad that Sunghoon and Ni-ki thought what happened was on them when it wasn’t. It was his stupid insecurities that made him shutdown and shut them all out. In his efforts to try and protect himself, he ended up hurting his dongsaengs and that’s something he regrets.
In a gruff, raspy voice, Heeseung says his peace.
“I’m sorry that I shut you guys out. I didn’t mean to. My brain just kind of flipped a switch, I guess, and I retreated into myself to try and protect myself, in a way. I know it’s also not the fans’ fault either. They just wanted to celebrate Sunghoon’s and Ni-ki’s birthdays. This was just my insecurities making themselves known, I guess and I hate it. I know this isn’t me and I’m so ashamed with how I’ve acted. Will you guys forgive me?”
The members all looked at him wide-eyed. This was the most that Heeseung has spoken to them in weeks.
“Hyung, you have nothing to be sorry for!” Jake said heatedly.
“It’s okay, hyung. Sometimes our insecurities just hit us out of nowhere and can really do a number on us. It happens.” Jay adds.
“Heeseungie-hyung, we know we’re your dongsaengs, but we’re also a team. Never feel like you can’t come and talk to us if something is bothering you. We’re here for you, just like you’re always here for us.” Sunoo reminds him.
The members all smile reassuringly and nod in agreement to Sunoo’s statement.
“Thank you. It means a lot to hear you guys say that. I’ll do better.” Heeseung smiles sheepishly in return.
“It’s good to hear your voice again, Heeseung-hyung.” Jungwon replies warmly.
The members all nod in agreement to Jungwon’s sincere and genuine comment.
Heeseung chuckles and then he surprisingly gives them all a bright, teasing smile as he says, “Good, because I’ll be talking up a storm from now on. I have a lot to make up for!”
“We wouldn’t want it any other way, Heeseung-hyung.” Ni-ki says proudly.