Chapter Text
Lister met Rimmer’s glassy eyes, he knew he had been harsh already and don’t want to push him any further, but he laid out his hand.
It sat there for a while as Rimmer stared, unblinkingly at it. After a beat he tentatively held his own atop Lister’s
“Rimmer—” Lister hadn’t thought about what he was going to say but the notion of not saying anything felt worse.
“I don’t care if you don’t know, I just want this to happen… I want to try” His voice was far timider now; he didn’t want to startle Rimmer, who was still somewhat of a mess.
“In the best-case scenario—” Rimmer started, his voice cracking as he did, it was serious, it was the voice he used when he tried to come off as a superior to the scutters or the lab mice.
“In the best-case scenario this works out—” He breathed in deeply “—I can get over myself and accept that I— well you know.” He still didn’t have the words to say what his heart felt, or at least not the courage to speak them.
“I could say things like that with no shame in my heart, I could look at you and see nothing but my…” He swallowed wanting to finish that sentence with a definite word. One which he knew, but didn’t have the strength to project;
He stifled out a laugh, but it was far from comedic “and in the best-case scenario I wouldn’t hesitate to say that word. In the best-case scenario, we grow old, and we die at the same time”
The room strung heavy with silence, as Rimmer looked up to Lister, squeezing his hand slightly.
“But I’m already dead, so I know the best-case scenario isn’t likely.”
Lister stared at Rimmer, he wasn’t exactly thrilled by the response, but he knew that for Rimmer, trying to see a light this desperately through all his poignant pessimistic thoughts was a lot of work, so he squeezed Rimmer’s hand back.
“Rimmer, will you still be here when I wake up?” Lister’s eyebrows raised as he spoke as if they were clinging onto any hope they could.
Rimmer dipped his head and took his hand back, letting out a deep sigh,
“I don’t think I know how to be anywhere else”.
Lister looked defeated, it wasn’t the best answer he could’ve gotten but it was something at least. Begrudgingly he stood up and walked towards the bottom bunk, pulling back the blanket open as if to send an invitation straight to Rimmer, who stood up. His shoulders hung beside him as if wearing a backpack of bricks.
The mattress sunk as Rimmer sat down, rigid as always, Lister sat crossed leg next to him.
Rimmer’s eyes were fixed to the floor and Lister’s were set on him.
Lister moved in closer and lent his head on Rimmer’s shoulder.
He was gentle, his head only just barely on top — it was almost floating.
“You know, I’ve never thought you were that bad” Lister looked up to see if Rimmer had broken his stare “Since we met back on Mimas, I thought we could’ve been good… friends”
Rimmer’s head twitched to the side for a moment before his eyes focused back on the floor.
“Like, I dunno man” Lister laughed for a moment “even if I moaned about you always nagging me to do my work around the ship, I still thought there was potential.”
“You know Listy—”
Lister lifted his head quickly
“I only did it because — because I cared for you, I wanted you to be able to go and have fun on planet leave instead of having to clean up the ship… I know you wanted to be with Peterson and Celby but..”
Rimmer trailed off, something he was far too used to doing when he would speak his mind.
Rimmer usually got spoken over, especially when he was talking about his feelings but this time he was met with silence, Lister wasn’t talking over him or trying to mock him. Instead, he smiled and nudged him to continue.
“I don’t know, it might be silly. I know I’m hard on you but in a strange round a bout self-sabotaging way it’s because I wanted to help you, it was my way of being nice...”
Rimmer’s head fell atop Lister’s, cementing the togetherness of the two.
“Rimmer, just stop pushing me away yeah?” Lister’s hand wandered over to Rimmer’s “I’m here, and I’ll be here.”
Rimmer’s mouth stammered open and shut, no sound leaving it.
“Look you don’t have to say anything but just tell me if this is gonna break me before I let it.”
Lister awaited an answer but all he got was a soft squeeze from Rimmer.
“That’s good enough for me”