Chapter Text
A few dull weeks had slipped past. Soonyoung and Seungcheol never talked about that night. Either they were both pretending as if it had never happened, or they were simply too caught up in rehearsals and practices to have a proper conversation about it.
Soonyoung wasn’t complaining though. He was not looking forward to talking about whatever was going on in those awful weeks with the other members; let alone talking it out with Seungcheol. Even looking at or bumping into Seungcheol made him feel uneasy now, as if he had a secret waiting to be exposed. Soonyoung now avoided Seungcheol like the plague, only talking to him out of professionalism of his job as an idol and completely steered clear of places or areas where he could run into the exec leader. Even going as far as not going to the gym at the hours that Soonyoung knew the leader would be there. But it turned out that Soonyoung didn’t have to work that hard to evade Seungcheol, because the older himself also seemed to be avoiding him outside of work hours. Again, Soonyoung wasn’t complaining. Just one less effort for himself.
Soonyoung wasn’t quite sure if Jihoon had started to notice the tension between him and the exec leader, but he noticed Hansol and Seungkwan keeping a tight eye on him, and Soonyoung could only pretend not to notice.
Several days after that night with Seungcheol, Hansol accidentally caught him having a mental breakdown in the bathroom over the fact that the dance teacher revised some of the choreography he made (Soonyoung didn’t even know why he reacted that strongly, he was usually okay with whatever the dance teacher suggested for the dance routines). He mentally punched himself for not locking the door, knowing some members had a habit of peeing at night. Soonyoung begged and begged for Hansol to keep his mouth shut, telling him over and over that he’s fine (that’s a lie) and he’s just a bit exhausted and pressured (that’s a half-truth) and to not worry about him.
“Hyung, you don’t look fine, truthfully. You’ve been acting unusual this week. You know that we could help–”
“Hansol, I swear to fucking God I am fine! Just… please, don’t tell the others, okay? I just don’t want them to worry and ask me a bunch of unnecessary questions. I am fine.”
Soonyoung felt bad that he shouted at the younger, but it’s necessary.
Necessary how? Was hurting Hansol necessary?
He made Hansol sworn to secrecy on what he saw, but Soonyoung doubted he wouldn’t tell Seungkwan about it or Seungkwan would probably pester the younger enough that he spilled the beans. Either way, now Soonyoung got both Seungkwan and Hansol hovering over him at all times with questions full of worries and he didn’t know how to tell both of them to stop because it’s starting to get under his skin.
Soonyoung knew that he’s being such a grinch these past few weeks, so he tried his best to grow out of his gloomy mood. He went out for a walk at the Han river’s banks every time he needed to clear his mind, he hit the gym more often than usual, even going as far as dying his hair. The ‘Oh My’ concept for the comeback was full of dreamy summer vibes, so Soonyoung tried to brighten up by dying his black hair to light grey and honestly? He was feeling a bit better.
And Soonyoung could say it’s working; at least for now. He didn’t know if it was the hair or the change of routines or just the fact that he was way too busy to think about those nagging thoughts lingering at the darkest corners of his head, but it’s been a week and he’s feeling better than usual. So much better that he even subconsciously stopped avoiding Seungcheol.
So, he shouldn’t have been surprised when Seungcheol suddenly called his name.
“Soonyoung.”
He blinked, not expecting the older to suddenly address him outside of the practice room after a few weeks of treating him like a ghost. Was he not mad at Soonyoung anymore? Oh wait, Soonyoung was the one who’s mad at him. Eh, to-ma-to, to-mah-to.
“Yeah, hyung?” Soonyoung cringed at himself at the way his voice came out. That sounded awkward as hell.
Seungcheol stayed silent, his eyes carefully scanned him as Soonyoung sat there on the couch uncomfortably, the movie on the TV all forgotten. He pulled at the hem of his hoodie anxiously, as if trying to hide underneath his baggy clothes.
“Is something bothering you these days? Seungkwan said you looked… stressed these days.”
Oh, for the love of God, Seungkwan and his runny mouth. If only Soonyoung didn’t love the younger so much he would’ve shut it himself.
“I’m fine, really. Seungkwan is just a worrywart.”
Seungcheol raised an eyebrow at that.
“You look like you haven’t slept for days. You barely eat too.”
Oh, that part was actually spot on (Soonyoung’s mind would not shut the fuck up for once and they wouldn’t let him sleep). But he wouldn’t just admit that to his leader, no? Soonyoung wasn’t trying to get another earful lecture from the older. He wasn’t in the right mind to hear it and if Seungcheol started now, he might just crash the fuck out.
“Must’ve been imagining things,” Soonyoung tried his best to feign indifference and brush the leader off and instead focused his gaze on the action movie that’s playing on the TV. His feet betrayed him though, as he found himself unconsciously tapping his foot on the floor, feeling anxious, and he just hoped the leader wouldn’t realize his attempt at self-soothing.
Seungcheol’s stare bore a hole into his head. Soonyoung was so scared that all those voices that he pushed to the deepest darkest corners in his head would spill out if Seungcheol didn’t stop drilling laser into his skull. Seungcheol looked like he wanted to say something but kept debating on it.
But wouldn’t he want Seungcheol to finally listen to all those screaming voices that had been torturing Soonyoung for weeks? Maybe the eldest would know how to shut them up. He always knew what to do.
“I guess I worry too much. It’s great if you’re feeling fine, Soonyoung.”
Soonyoung didn’t know why the eldest’ acceptance of his lies hurt much more than him trying to pry the truth out of Soonyoung. If Seungcheol’s reply carried even the slightest trace of spite, Soonyoung wouldn’t have known.
Tonight was another sleepless night. He blamed the voices, as usual. Sometimes Soonyoung got jealous at how easy it was for Hansol to fall asleep, but Soonyoung knew the younger always did his best at practice (unlike someone) so a good night’s sleep was the least that he deserved (and Hansol was still growing too). Soonyoung found himself staring at the ceiling, exhausted but unable to find himself inside the embrace of the dreamland. His head was torturing him, physically and not-so-physically. It’s throbbing so hard he wouldn’t mind throwing himself out of the window just for one second of peace, yet it’s the voices that seemed to trouble him the most tonight. God, he would love to shut them up for once. Couldn’t they understand that Soonyoung had practice tomorrow? He didn’t have the energy to shut them up using midnight practice tonight. His limbs were killing him.
Couldn’t they shut up for once?
Soonyoung.
Why are you even here?
Right. Why was he still here?
Soonyoung staggered forward as he blindly searched for the doorknob. Wait, why was he trying to open the door?
He’s running now. Why? It’s cold. Why? He might’ve left his jacket behind, hell, he didn’t even know if he was wearing shoes or not. Wait, did he lock the door before leaving?
Soonyoung blinked, and the view suddenly changed.
“Huh. The river looks nice at night.”
He took a few shaky steps forward onto the riverbank. He could feel the grass between his toes, the earth squelching under his weight as he stepped. He must’ve been barefooted right now. Ew. Nobody in their right mind would walk barefooted near the Han River, knowing how nasty some people could be.
Oh, right. Soonyoung was not in his right mind.
Soonyoung blinked up at the sky. No stars tonight. Just a dull black curtain. He could feel the wind bite at his skin and blow against his body, as if pushing him closer and closer to the edge of the water.
The water. It looked pretty. The moonlight shimmered in the water, and it looked sparkly. It looked cold, though. And dirty. His reflection in the river was mouthing something. He couldn’t hear it; the voices were louder, and at one point his reflection started sounding similar to what the voices were shouting at him.
The river was calm tonight. Too calm. But the voices that haunted him every night were louder than ever.
He stared at the water. It looked bottomless.
Maybe if he went deep enough, the noise would stop. Maybe the water would cradle him, and it wouldn’t be as cold as he thought it would be. Maybe he wouldn’t have to come up again for air.
Maybe–
Soonyoung blinked.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Soonyoung felt his knees give out and he fell backward onto the grass, his fingers clutching the green blades tightly as he steadied his breaths that had sped up without him knowing. He could feel his heart racing, hammering against his chest. He felt his body shake as his reflection rippled in the water.
Fucking coward, he laughed at Soonyoung.
He was back inside his blankets before sunrise. If anyone asked about the muddy footprints near the entrance of their apartment, Soonyoung wouldn’t have known.
That night in the Han River changed something in him. The voices got louder, but now they specifically pushed him to do something that he never ever thought about in his life. Soonyoung ignored it to the best he could, but when it got too much, only the practice room could calm them down. Beating his body up to collapse might be the only way to finally get some peace, even though it’s only by passing out on the cold floor.
His night trip to the company building became his daily routine. Get out of bed, go to the practice room, dance ‘till passing out, wake up after an hour and get back to the dorm before the other members notice he’s gone, rinse and repeat. He had gotten sick of their own song at this point, with how much he was replaying it every night. Sometimes he also hit the gym in between, making sure he wouldn’t even have the time to think at all. He passed out at the gym too, a lot, and he was glad that the other members or even the other groups in the company had never found him like that. He tried to busy himself as much as possible during the night when the voices were at the loudest.
They kept pushing him, and Soonyoung was starting to be afraid.
"Not now," he whispered at them.
Why? You can rest after this. Isn’t that what you really want?
All of his effort (to ignore the voices) bore a really sweet fruit for him, as he finished the choreography faster than expected, even finished the revisions the dance teacher gave him a while back. The voices also did get quieter, and Soonyoung didn’t have to struggle so much against the urges every time he stared at himself in the mirror, but it’s at the cost of day exhaustion.
He started to wake up late and missed breakfast, so he barely saw the members. The other members were usually out and about by the time he woke up and Soonyoung didn’t know how to cook anything other than instant noodles, and even that he couldn’t be bothered enough to make, so he just skipped his meals entirely. It’s not an issue. He survived his trainee days on energy drinks, and he could do it again now. Hell, he could even lose some extra pounds while at that making sure he looked toned for the comeback, even though the concept wasn’t a sexy one (as long as he could stand on the same stage as the others).
Talking with the other members even became a chore to him. It’s hard to find a topic to talk about when they barely met during the day and Soonyoung’s head had become such an empty mess. Soonyoung didn’t have much energy to engage as well, so he had been avoiding the others unless it’s necessary. He still talked to them during professional hours but at the dorm, Soonyoung preferred to just stay in his room and sleep as much as he could when the voices were quieter. The younger ones still made an effort to talk to him, but he could feel the older members were getting a bit cold to him. They must have begun to be weary him by now as Soonyoung had long grown weary of the person he saw in the mirror. At least that’s what the voices were telling him, and it’s hard not to believe them when it’s all you heard all day long.
Soonyoung slept through the day when they didn’t have practices, and on those days when they did have practices, he just blasted through the session on autopilot mode. He’s sure the others didn’t notice as they hadn’t been saying anything to him. As long as he got the performance down, he didn’t think the members would care if he had extra eye bags on his face. His exhaustion cost him his focus though, as he found himself to be more all over the place than usual. A bit of mistake here, a bit of mistake there. He didn’t think it was something noticeable or worth mentioning. After all, he always cleaned up after his messes (even though he’s a mess himself).
If the members had questioned just how lost he looked these past few days, Soonyoung wouldn’t have known.
“Soonyoung, snap out of it!”
Huh?
Oh. He missed his cue. Again.
“Hey, what’s going on with you today? You’ve been spacing out and I’ve called you out five times already! We need to move on from this part if we want to finish practicing all the routines today! If you don’t pull your weight, it drags everyone down.”
Whoa. No need to scream at him like that. Soonyoung didn’t even think he made a significant mistake. Why was Seungcheol being so mean to him today? The others had messed up too but why did the eldest only scream at him?
“Sorry. I wasn’t focusing. Let’s try that part again and get to your posi– “
Seungcheol was seething now.
“Wasn’t focusing?! Your mind is supposed to be here, Soonyoung! Why are you not focusing? Is there something more important than our practice right now in your head? I thought with you insisting on always practicing in the middle of the night, you would be so motivated to practice now. Turns out it’s all just shit.”
Ouch.
“Excuse me? Do you have something against me, hyung?” Soonyoung turned back to face the leader, and he could see anger burning in his eyes. Soonyoung felt something ignite inside of him. Seungcheol was pressing all his buttons and if his goal was riling Soonyoung up, then he clearly succeeded. Those words that came out of the leader sounded super personal and honestly, Soonyoung wasn’t in the headspace to be having any of that. His head had been super noisy since he woke up this morning and he didn’t need Seungcheol screaming at him on top of those voices, “You know our practice has always been important to me. Why did you say that, hyung?”
“I’m not trying to be mean, but that’s what it looks like to the rest of us.”
Soonyoung scoffed and made a face that showed just how ridiculous he thought Seungcheol’s statement was, but when he looked around at the other members in the room, he couldn’t find any single gaze meeting his and definitely not any that tried to disprove Seungcheol. They only exchanged glances between themselves.
“What…? You guys saw how serious I was about this comeback, right? I worked day and night to create the choreography! Me messing up once doesn’t mean I’m not serious about it,” Soonyoung looked around in disbelief, looking at the members’ faces one by one in search of support.
Still, no gaze met his.
“Look at me! Why is nobody saying anything!?”
Jihoon sighed and walked forward to stand beside Seungcheol who was now as red as a lobster from holding back his anger. He looked pained as he clenched and unclenched his fists, probably willing himself to stay calm in the tension.
“This is why I told you to not overwork yourself. You’re way too exhausted right now. Keep going like that, and you’ll just keep screwing up.”
Keep screwing up.
Soonyoung heard nothing but those words.
Keep screwing up?
Soonyoung didn’t even realize that his right fist had been lifted if not for all the hands holding him back and Seungcheol who’s now barking at him and shielding Jihoon. Everyone was screaming something now at each other, and Soonyoung couldn’t make out who’s yelling what.
“You’re mad now, Soonyoung?! Did Jihoon hit a nerve?!”
“Hyung, calm down please!”
“Soonyoung-hyung, stop struggling!”
“Guys, stop that! Let’s talk this out!”
“Just fucking punch me, Soonyoung! You know I’m right! You’re just digging your own grave if you keep going at this pace! You’re not in your right mind these past weeks and you know that!”
Soonyoung only saw red.
“Shut the fuck up! You talk like you care!”
Jihoon gawked at his words in disbelief, but his face immediately contorted into anger and frustration.
“Oh, that’s how you think of us, Soonyoung?! Fine then! See if I care after this!”
Soonyoung didn’t understand. If they did care, why were they only hurting him? Why can’t they see that they’re hurting him? Why can’t they see that he’s hurting? Did they not see that Soonyoung was just… tired?
Oh, just how bad he wanted them to understand.
“I only screwed up once and you guys acted like I burned down the practice room,” Soonyoung hissed at them as he yanked his arms free from Seokmin’s hold, whose face now looked like a kicked puppy. He and Seungkwan had always been the more anxious ones when the older members fought. Soonyoung felt a bit sorry for the younger, knowing he didn’t do anything wrong, but Soonyoung was way too mad right now to address it.
Why were they yelling so much? Why were they yelling at him?
Soonyoung wanted to scream at them and tell them that fuck, his head was way too cramped with the voices already he could barely make out the words that the others were yelling at him, so just stop yelling at him for god’s sake. He just wanted to lie down and close his eyes and he wished everyone would disappear.
Oh. Disappearing sounded nice. Soonyoung would love to disappear.
“Once?” Jihoon came out from behind Seungcheol, his voice thick with emotions, “You’ve been erratic these past few days. You kept spacing out during practice and then you messed up even the easiest routine, you broke the rules several times these past few weeks that Seungcheol had to intervene, you stopped eating; God knows why, you kept going out at night to God knows fucking where and when you did come back you barely have the energy to practice, and you even stopped talking to us outside practice because you were either too busy sleeping or you were too busy wandering outside. And you’re telling me you only screw up this one time?”
Okay. Soonyoung could admit he might have made a few mistakes; more than he usually did, in dance practices. But he didn’t understand why Jihoon was so bothered about the other stuff. Why did it matter to him that Soonyoung doesn’t eat? He ate, sometimes (drank energy drinks most of the time), and he’s still alive and kicking (not really). Why did he care where he goes at night, too? As long as he came back to the dorm in one piece (he wanted to run away), wasn't it fine? He also talked to the other members. It’s not like he stopped talking to them and completely ignored them (unlike Seungcheol who’s ignoring him and only speaking to him to yell at him).
He was fine, so why was Jihoon so mad at him? Couldn’t he understand just how hard he was trying right now to be here?
(The Han River called to him sometimes. The voices in his head called to the Han River always.)
“I didn’t mean to,” he replied hoarsely, his voice shook from trying to hold back his pent-up emotions.
“Can you at least explain to us what has been going on?” Jihoon begged him, pleading at him with strained voice, “You’re not yourself at all, Soonyoung-ah.”
Seungcheol refused to look him in the eyes, his gaze cast downwards in unspoken pain and frustration. No-one would look at him in the eyes. Only his mocking reflection in the practice room mirror.
“I’m sorry. I’ll do better.”
Soonyoung didn’t want to explain. He just wanted to disappear.
Jihoon looked at him in the eyes.
If Jihoon could see that he lost his tiger in his eyes, Soonyoung wouldn’t have known.