Chapter Text
So, I know some of these scenes are a little awkward, and to many people also a little gross. But I wanted to include them since it is a big part of many people’s ED, but very rarely talked about.
Eddie actually didn’t lock up all the medication, much to Buck’s delight. Instead, they put a week's supply of them in one of the weekly pillboxes that he’d used for his blood thinners over the last year. He had kept one of the boxes at Eddie’s house at the time, of course, but he didn’t know that Eddie had kept it around. It had been tucked away safely with his name taped onto it, in the same drawer that held the two LAFD sweaters that Buck somehow always forgot to take home. The sight made Buck feel warm inside, way more than the californian heat usually did.
The pillbox was neatly kept in the nightstand in the bedroom. Grapefruit was quickly banned from the house and he now had reminders on his phone both to actually take the meds and to stay away from grapefruit. Eddie kept insisting to have the knives and razors locked away for a little longer still, pointing out the reported heightened risks in early treatment with SSRIs. Buck felt slightly irritated, but he let it go. He could feel the worrying ooze from Eddie’s body, and if he could help in lessening that, he would. Besides, he still felt guilty enough about the other pills hidden in the pocket of his denim jacket which Eddie didn’t know about, so he could let him have this one.
What did annoy him however, was Eddie’s continued reluctance to leave him alone.
“It’s just that we don’t know how you’ll react to the meds,” Eddie said, like it was obvious, and maybe it was, but it didn’t make it any less annoying.
“I’ll take my first dose before you leave, if I have an allergic reaction it should happen right away,” Buck argued, feeling his patience grow thinner.
“Yeah but…I just think you should have someone around.”
“Eddie, please. You can’t stay off work forever just cause I’m a little nutty.”
“It doesn’t even have to be me. I know Bobby really wants to see you. It’s been over a week since you saw him, he’s worried too you know.”
Buck raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“He’s also got work. You’re literally on the same shift. That’s how we know each other.”
“But he wants to see you, and he also happens to have unused PTO,”
“Which he shouldn’t spend on me!”
“I think he should spend it on whatever he wants. Besides, he already offered. You’re gonna tell him no?”
“But he shouldn-”
“I’ll drop you off at their house on my way to work, alright? Just for this shift. Please?”
“Fine. But only for your peace of mind. I’m gonna be just fine.”
Eddie nodded and smiled at him, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Being at Bobby and Athena’s house usually felt warm and just like home, but this time he felt a little uneasy. The last time he was here he’d purged in their bathroom after not even binging, and the last time he saw Bobby was at the hospital. Heck, the only reason he was here was that his family didn’t trust him to be alone. He knew that they just cared, but it felt a little overwhelming and…embarrassing if he was being completely honest.
Bobby was welcoming as ever though, giving him a proper hug as he stepped inside the door.
“It’s good to see you outside of a hospital gown again Buck,” he said, smiling.
“I was only there for one night, Cap,” Buck protested.
“Still, you’ve already spent too much time in those,” Bobby said with a soft chuckle. “Do you want some tea?”
“I could do a cup,” Buck said, smiling through his uneasiness.
“I’ll go get us some, why don’t you sit down on the couch in the meantime,”
Buck probably should’ve offered to help, and any other time he would have, but he still felt a bit uneasy, almost anxious, so he just nodded and walked towards the fluffy couch. He let his eyes wander across the room he’d been in so many times before. It felt different this time, and it kept him tense.
Something caught his eye on the shelf underneath the coffee table. Half-hidden behind a newspaper, was a pamphlet on shiny but creased paper, worn in the corners like it had been opened and closed many times. When your child has an eating disorder, it said on the front. He felt his heart swell as he remembered Athena's words to him from the week before; ‘We see you as one of our own’. While he was touched to his core at the proof of her words, it also weighed on his conscience as it reminded him of how he was hurting those around him by hurting himself. It was a very new and very strange concept to him. Next to the pamphlet, under the same newspaper, there was a book with at least five book marks sticking out of it. Eating disorders in men. Bobby and Athena were taking time out of their day not just to see him, but to learn about his…stuff. He didn’t really know how to feel about that. They cared about him, great, but that meant he really needed to get his shit together. If only it wasn’t so damn hard.
His thought-spiral came to an end as he heard footsteps coming out from the kitchen and before he knew it there was a hand on his shoulder.
“Find something interesting?” He heard Bobby say.
“Uh…sorry I didn’t mean to snoop or anything.”
Except he kinda did. Like, definitely.
“If we were trying to hide these we would’ve actually, you know, hidden them.”
Buck gave a light laugh at that. At least Bobby wasn’t mad at him for it.
“Yeah yeah that’s- I guess that’s true.” Buck mumbled with a shrug.
“Took a page out of your book and did some research,” Bobby said with a soft smile.
“I would usually do it online though,” Buck countered, feeling his heart beat a little too fast again.
“I figured,” Bobby said, still smiling.
“Bobby you don’t have t-”
“Shh, nonsense,” Bobby waved him off. “I gotta know what goes on with you. We want to be able to help you.”
“I appreciate it Cap, I really do,” Buck said, feeling his eyes go slightly misty. “I’m sorry for worrying you. It wasn’t supposed to become a thing you know.”
“You don’t have to apologize for having a problem, Buck,” Bobby said, holding up the tea cups. “Let’s sit shall we.”
“I know it’s just…I didn’t realise it would affect others so much.”
“Your health matters to the people who love you Buck, just like their health matters to you.”
Buck stayed silent for a few moments. He just sat down on the couch and sighed.
“I guess I’m new to that; mattering to people.”
Bobby looked at him in his weird half-smile/half-frown kinda way.
“I guess you’ve just had the wrong people in your life then Buck.”
He knew he put himself in this situation. He had no one else to blame. The other pills worked. They worked way too fucking well. He felt dizzy as he held onto the sink and just let it happen. It hurt like a bitch, it really did, but it was all his own fault, like always.
He was supposed to be home alone. He had done the calculation over and over in his head but it still took too long. Stupid inaccurate instructions. Or maybe his math skills really were just abysmal? Nah it definitely still took longer than the leaflet said. He’d even started to think that maybe they just didn’t work at all, but boy was he wrong on that one. A quick visit to an internet forum which his therapist absolutely wouldn’t want him on confirmed that yes, that happens a lot. Great. All he could do now was to hope Eddie wouldn’t notice. Or maybe he should just tell him? No, this was a one time thing. Really. It didn’t do what vomiting does. He’d be lying if he said the pain didn’t give him something though.
A light knock on his door pulled him out of his haze. Fuck fuck fuck. How long had he been in there?
“Buck? You okay man?”
“Yeah yeah! I’m fine, go back to bed. I’ll be back soon.”
Eddie didn’t sound convinced, but seemed to let it go for now.
“Okay, I’ll wait for you.”
“You really don’t have to,”
“Yes I do, see you soon.”
Buck sighed before wincing under his breath once again.
Eddie put his phone down as Buck tiptoed back into the bedroom for the third time.
“Look, Buck. I don’t wanna embarrass you, but are you okay? You’ve been in and out of the bathroom like, all night.” he said.
“Yeah yeah I’m fine…just you know…side effects from the meds. It’s in the pamphlet. I know you read it.”
Eddie looked him over, seeming to search his face for something. He didn’t look convinced.
“Yeah I know that,” he said. “Still. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about it?”
“I will, it’ll get better soon.”
“You weren’t like…vomiting again right?”
“No, you’d’ve heard that.”
“I know, I just…I care, you know.”
“I know.”
It wasn’t a one time thing. But he didn’t throw up at all, so he still counted it as a win.
He was really lucky that it actually was a common side effect of his medication. It was common enough to surprise him that he hadn’t had any problems without the laxatives. While he had calculated a better timeframe the second time, Eddie still managed to come home early, meaning that he was caught again. As embarrassing as it was, at least it didn’t seem too suspicious considering the timing with the medication. It still had him blush like crazy though, which come to think of it, might actually be a side effect.
The lack of suspicion only lasted a few days though, until laundry day. Eddie had been gathering their jackets for a wash and Buck could see it happen in slow motion. The white and blue bottle fell out of his pocket and landed on the floor. He must’ve closed the lid incorrectly, because of course he did, as it shot open and filled the floor with the little pink pills.
Eddie picked the bottle up and looked back at Buck with his eyes wide open.
“Laxatives?” He muttered under his breaths. “Of course it was fucking laxatives,”
“I- can explain!” Buck tried but without any real heat to it.
This wasn’t something he could lie his way out of, and he knew that.
“Explain how?” Eddie said, breathing faster. “You haven’t exactly been backed up Buck.”
Buck felt his face go hot again. Damn, he really fucked this whole thing up.
“Have you been doing this all week?” Eddie asked, without waiting for an answer. “You’re not getting better at all are you?”
Buck approached him slowly, trying to touch his shoulder.
“No, no I am it’s jus-”
“It’s not just anything!” Eddie exclaimed, his voice sounding more strained now just like his breathing. “You’re dying!”
Buck didn’t know what to do. He’d never seen his best friend like this before, and it scared him. Especially knowing that it was all his fault. He reached out for his shoulder again, giving it a light squeeze.
“I ca- I- I can’t lose another one,” Eddie hacked out between his laboured breaths. “Y-You could die and I didn’t- I didn’t even fucking notice.”
“Eddie, I’m not gonna die,” Buck said, running his hand across Eddie's back. “You’re not gonna lose me. I’m doing better.”
“You’re not! You’re lying,” Eddie whisper-yelled. “You’re not getting better, you just switched methods. Fuck! I thought I had thought of everything!”
“I- I’m sorry Eddie, I…” Buck trailed off, running his hand across Eddie’s back. “Hey, breathe with me,okay? In and out, slowly. You can copy me.”
He exaggerated the sounds of his breaths to make it easier for Eddie to follow, trying his best to visualize the square-breath thing he’d found online. They sat like that for a good few minutes, and Eddie’s breaths slowly evened out as he was pressed up against Buck.
“Dad? Buck?” Christopher’s voice came from the doorway. “What’s going on?”
Buck looked up and saw him standing outside the now very slightly opened door.
“Hey Chris,” Buck said softly, reaching out his arm to invite him onto the bed with them. “Your dad is gonna be okay. Do you wanna come here?”
Chris took a few slow steps towards them and climbed up on the bed. He sat down with them and joined their hug.
“Sorry if I scared you Chris,” Eddie said, his voice still scratchy and weak. “I uh…I had, it’s called a panic attack.”
“What’s that?” Chris asked, frowning.
“It’s when your brain gets really really scared, and it can make it hard to breathe for a bit. But it’s not dangerous, just really scary.” Buck explained, rubbing Eddie’s arm.
“Like when you got home to me and mom in Texas? You would have the nightmares when you were awake?”
Buck felt his heart break at that, seeing the both of them with teary eyes. He almost felt like he was intruding on a moment of theirs, but Eddie was leaning all his weight on him so leaving them alone wasn’t really an option. To be really honest he didn’t want to do that either. He wasn’t sure he would ever wanna let Eddie go again.
“Yeah, like that. I’m so sorry I scared you buddy,” Eddie said, kissing his son’s forehead. “But you don’t have to worry, I’m okay. Buck helped me.”
It was also my fucking fault from the beginning - Buck wanted to say, but he didn’t want to reveal to much to Chris. He just hugged them both really close.
Buck carried a sleeping Chris back to his bed and carefully tucked him back in. He looked at his peaceful, sleeping face and felt a tug at his heart knowing that he would have to explain his illness to him one day. The idea of shattering the image the little boy had of him was nerve-wrecking, but he also knew he had to be honest. Christopher deserved honesty.
He left the sleeping Christopher in his room and went into the kitchen, putting on some water to boil and getting two cups from the cupboard. As he went to get the teabags, he heard Eddie’s footsteps behind him.
“Thanks for putting him back to bed,” Eddie said, sitting down by the table.
“No problem, really. You can go back to the bedroom, I was just making some tea for us,” Buck said, smiling softly at him. “We can have it in there.”
Eddie shook his head.
“I don’t want you in the kitchen alone Buck.”
Buck bit his tongue. He knew he royally fucked up this time.
“Look Eds, I’m sorry,” he said, sitting down next to Eddie. “I hate to do this to you.”
“I want you to hate doing it to you, ” Eddie said, rolling his eyes.
“I know it’s just…hard.”
Eddie laid his hand on top of Buck’s.
“Don’t apologize. Relapses are literally part of the illness. That’s what all the articles say, I just…I hadn’t considered that you would use laxatives.”
“I’m still sorry I caused you to panic.”
“Not your fault, I’ve just got some fucked up wiring in here,” Eddie said, pointing at his temple. “But I can’t lose you Buck, and neither can Chris. You belong with us. And if this is the direction you’re going…then we might.”
“You won’t, and you’re not fucked up. You just got some issues to work through…How often does this happen?”
“It’s not that often. It happens when things are extra shitty, like right when I got back from the army or when Shannon passed or…” Eddie lowered his voice, “or when my best friend is slowly killing himself.”
Buck swallowed and looked at his hands. His knuckles weren’t marred anymore, and he didn’t have any new cuts from working. It somehow made the white scar on his right ring finger even more apparent. He didn’t even remember what that one was from.
“Look I- …I just got them as like a security blanket of sorts. But then I just…did it and it…I don’t know. It really didn’t do what I wanted it to, but it was better than nothing.”
“I still don’t understand what it does for you?”
“It’s usually quite a heat of the moment kinda thing you know…to get me out of my head. Sometimes my hands just reach for food to shove down my throat on autopilot, and then I just have to get rid of it.” Buck sighed and looked back up from his hands. “This is a hundred times slower so it really doesn’t do a lot. But I’ve grown to kinda like the feeling of…emptyness. It calms me down.”
“So um…how many times did you take them?”
“Just twice,” Buck said with a grimage. “I didn’t plan for any of it to be when you were home but I miscalculated the timing the first time and then the other night you came home early so...”
“Right…so I could’ve missed it completely,” Eddie sighed. “Did you… binge before?”
Buck shook his head.
“No…this takes way too long for that. I um…I actually took them to avoid binging, I figured it might be better. If I binge I have to …you know , right away.”
Eddie blinked at him.
“Buck this is not better. If you do this regularly you could fuck up your intestines for life . And you could very well get dehydrated or hypokalemic again.”
Buck sighed.
“I know…I’m sorry. I didn’t really think this through.”
Eddie nodded and scratched his neck. He really looked awful.
“Buck…maybe you should go to a program or something, just for a little while.”
“No, no. I know it’s hard to believe me considering everything but…I don’t need that. Not yet at least.”
Eddie sat quiet for a few moments.
“We’re getting rid of the pills, and I’m taking another week off.”
“You don’t ha-” Buck started but Eddie’s eyes boring into his soul made him change his mind mid-sentence. “Okay, maybe it’s a good idea.”
Eddie nodded.
“I need to know that you’re at least on the right path. And please, for the love of god, I need you to be honest with me. I’m trying to be honest with you.”
Buck swallowed. He knew it was only fair, but it still felt like a slap to his face. Eddie was right. He couldn’t keep this up, but it was so hard to go without it.
“I know Eddie, and I’m really proud of you for it. I’ll- I’m gonna try to be more honest too, okay?”
Eddie smiled at him before sighing.
“I just…I need to know when you’re struggling. Please, please talk to me when you feel the urge to do this.”
“I’m sorry Eddie, I’ll do my best.”
“I know.”
“Eddie, you look exhausted. Let’s get back to bed. I’ll be fine, I haven’t taken any today, you don’t have to worry.”
“How am I supposed to know?”
“Cause you have two days off. I wouldn’t use them when I know you’re gonna be home. I may be dumb, but there are limits.”
Eddie studied his face, which really showed off his now very reddish eyes.
“Okay,” he finally said. “Let’s go to bed. But I’m locking these up and they’re going back to the pharmacy first thing tomorrow.”
Buck sighed. He knew it was for the best, and they didn’t really give him what he wanted. But it still felt safe to have them, just in case. He hated what it did to Eddie though, and he knew he didn’t exactly have a choice here, so he nodded.
“Yeah…of course.”
Breakfast was tense. Eddie still looked exhausted, Buck still felt on edge and Christopher was really quiet. It was far from their usual morning dynamic, even if none of them were morning people.
“Buck?” Christopher finally asked. “Are you…are you gonna die?”
Buck felt his heart drop and for a second he believed the answer to be yes right this second.
“What? Of course not Chris, what made you think that?” He said instead, turning his head to give Chris his best reassuring face.
Chris didn’t look too reassured though. His eyes darted between Buck, Eddie and the floor, and his hands, gripping on to the mug of hot chocolate in front of him.
“Daddy said you could. Last night when he was sad. He yelled it.”
Buck met Eddie's eyes from across the table, his panic matching his own.
“Chris, I was just really worried yesterday. You know, like I told you. My brain got really scared.” Eddie said, softly.
“But…you said before that Buck is here because he is sick,” Chris turned to Buck. “Are you sick like grandma was sick? She was throwing up a lot too before she died.”
“No, no no,” Buck said quickly, remembering what Eddie had told him about Shannon’s mother. “Your grandma had a body-sickness, a very very mean one. Mine is in my head, it makes me do things that aren’t good for me.” He pointed at his temple. “But you don’t have to worry about it, okay? I’m gonna be okay.”
“Do you promise?”
Buck pressed his fist together under the table, letting his nails bury themselves into his skin. He couldn’t promise Chris anything. Breaking a promise to Christopher would be the thing that totally broke him, and he just couldn’t risk that.
“You and your dad help me be more okay everyday,” he said instead. “And I have a doctor who helps me too.”
“And that’s why you need the extra hugs?”
“Extra hugs is the best medicine. Especially when they come from you.”
Chris wasted no time getting up from his chair and giving him a hug. Buck couldn’t help but smile at him. He felt another pair of arms around him as Eddie joined their hug.
“Thank you superman,” Buck said, ruffling Christopher's hair.
Christopher beamed at him.
“I think you’re gonna be okay Buck,” Chris said, still smiling.
Buck couldn’t help but get misty eyed at that, and judging by the moisture he could feel on his shoulder, neither could Eddie.
“Cap approved another week off for me,” Eddie said on their way back from dropping Christopher off at school. “ It’s really only two shifts I’m missing. I’ll be back next Wednesday.”
“So will I if I get cleared on my appointment on Friday," Buck reminded him, smiling. “We’ll be back at the same time.”
“ If you pass, yes.”
“Which I will, because my body is doing a lot better. You’ve got to at least admit that I don’t look that sick anymore.”
“Your psych team has to clear you too though, and you just admitted to using new methods.”
“Which I am not gonna do at work Eddie, please at least believe that. It won’t interfere with work.”
Eddie took a while before answering.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Buck bit his bottom lip. He knew he hadn’t exactly given Eddie much of a reason to trust him lately, but he needed this. He needed to work to feel somewhat normal.
“Eddie, please. Like I would ever risk shitting myself at work,” he said, rolling his eyes a bit for emphasis. “Also, if I’m back at work I won’t be home alone. I’m always the sickest when I have to stay home. Work distracts me.”
Eddie looked him over again before finally nodding.
“Well I do like the sound of that.”
“Exactly,” Buck said, smiling softly. “Although, you do know eventually that I’m gonna have to go back to my own apartment though, right?”
“Do you though?”
“Of course. Don’t you worry, I’ll be out of your hair as soon as y’all can trust me to be on my own again,” Buck said, still smiling, but feeling slightly sad at the idea of leaving.
Eddie stared out the window for a good few minutes before answering.
“You can stay as long as you need. No rush, none at all. I absolutely hate that you’re sick. But I like having you here. So does Chris.”
Buck felt his head spin again, but in the good way this time, as he melted into the front seat and just for once let himself believe the nice words told to him.
He should be happy. Everything was slowly getting better. He’d been cleared for duty, meaning that he’d be back at work with Eddie in just a couple of days. His family had shown him, these past three weeks more than ever, that they cared and loved him no matter what. He had everything he wanted, but once again it felt too good, too safe, as he waited for the other shoe to drop. It was the same feelings that had raced around in his head on Christmas, and he really should’ve seen it coming. But here he was again, looking through the cupboards in the middle of the night to try to mute the buzzing in his ears. He was fucking it all up again, and again and again. Fuck. He would scare Christopher and cause Eddie even more panic. What a truly terrible friend he was.
But he didn’t find any cookies this time, or any cereal, but he did find the oats which he quickly tore open. He needed it like oxygen. The first couple of handfuls went down quickly, like always, but as the buzzing in his ears decreased, he felt the shame fill his gut. There was a jostling sound coming from the bedroom, like Eddie was turning around in bed. Maybe he was moving in his sleep, or maybe he was awake. Who knows? Any moment he could decide to wander out to the kitchen and find him. It wouldn’t go over well. Buck really, really didn’t want to be the reason behind another one of Eddie’s panic attacks.
After a few minutes of staring at the bag of oats, he bit his tongue and emptied it out in the trashbag. He had to act quickly, before he could change his mind, so he all but ran into Eddie's room and collapsed by the side of the bed. Eddie quickly stirred awake, meaning he had been asleep after all.
“Buck? What the fuck is going on?!” Eddie exclaimed, throwing the blanket out of the way.
“You said to wake you up,” Buck said, leaning against the bed. “Well, here I am.”
“Did you…what did you do?”
“Started…shoving down oats. But I- I stopped Eddie. I stopped.”
“That’s great, Buck. That’s really good.”
Buck shook his head.
“No. No, I regret it so much. I need to do it. I need it so bad.”
“Why?”
“I- I need to make my head shut up,” Buck said, his voice turning more into a plea as his breaths became more laboured. “It won’t shut up, everything's just running around.”
Before he knew it, he felt Eddie’s arms around him, steering him up from the floor and onto the bed.
“It’s gonna shut up,” Eddie said into his ear. “It will. We just have to ride it out. I’m here.”
It felt impossible, but eventually his breathing evened out, and the oats stayed down. Finally, a real win.