Chapter Text
After spending most of the day filling out paperwork due to the previous day’s incident, Maggie headed to her favourite alien bar, deciding she deserved a drink. She was partially hoping to find Alex there, since she hadn’t yet seen the woman after last night’s confession and wanted to make sure she was alright. Maggie knew realizing something so important would certainly have a big impact on Alex’s life and although text messages were great, she wished to see the DEO agent in person.
It was still early and so Maggie didn’t allow herself to get disappointed at the fact Alex wasn’t there. Instead she went to the pool table, determined on practicing so she could beat Danvers one day. Her lips turned into a small grin as Maggie remembered Alex’s soft laughter once she became aware that the detective was awful at the game.
“Danvers, you’re alive,” Maggie grinned as she noticed the agent approaching her and wondered if meeting there was their thing now. She guessed it was and her smile grew at the thought.
“Yeah… sorry,” Alex apologized, her eyes studying the detective’s face, taking in the way her hair fell over her leather jacket.
“For what?” Maggie asked, remembering the previous night. Although she was showing some sort of awkwardness, Alex appeared to be fine and that caused a warm and content feeling to find its way across the detective’s chest.
“Well, for coming in here and dropping a bomb on you,” she explained.
“That’s not the first bomb that’s ever been dropped on me,” Maggie assured, fighting the not so tiny part of her that wanted to reach out to Alex, hold her hand once more and make sure the agent knew she would still be there even if she hit her with the worse of weapons.
Instead of doing something that would definitely not help their situation, Maggie moved around the table. “How are you doing with all of that?” she asked, glad her voice was neutral and not betraying how worried she actually was.
Alex’s shrug and slight frown told her she was probably not as okay as she seemed.
“I just-,” she started, her eyes not meeting Maggie’s, which were resolvedly focused on Alex’s expression. “I don’t know what to do now. You know, I mean, I’m almost thirty,” she admitted, finally meeting Maggie’s gaze, her eyes slightly more open than usual. “And I feel like a kid again,” she finished, giggling shortly, trying to mask how scared she actually was.
Maggie saw right through her.
“Well, everyone’s experience is different; I can only tell you what I did,” she stated, smiling reassuringly.
“Which was what?” Alex asked, a bit too fast, a bit too desperately, her hair’s waves moving around as she shook her head.
“I came out to my family,” Maggie replied, watching as Alex’s expression was suddenly washed over by dread and her lips parted slightly at her sharp intake of breath.
“How did they take it?” she inquired, her voice revealing a last spark of hope.
Maggie couldn’t help wanting to take Alex into her arms and hug her tight, making her feel safe, protecting her from anything that could cause her pain, preventing her from ever feeling afraid. But she couldn’t do that. Not then.
“Well, ah, my dad isn’t exactly known for his open-mindedness but he was pretty good,” Maggie answered, her lips pursed, her eyes looking away from Alex’s face. “And so was my mom,” she finished, hoping the agent wouldn’t pick up on how that was still a sensitive subject, even after all the time that had passed since she first came out as a teenager.
“Maybe it’s just a phase… You know, maybe it isn’t real,” Alex shook her head, not appearing to believe there was a possibility of everything working out.
Maggie’s heart clenched. She remembered finding herself thinking the same thing, denying that part of her existed because she was scared. Although she turned out just fine and learned to accept herself pretty quickly, Maggie knew this was harder for Alex than it had been for her. The agent had built her whole life without understanding one of the most relevant parts of herself.
“It’s real,” Maggie said, pausing for a moment to let the idea sink in. “You’re real and you deserve to have a real, full, happy life,” she continued. “Okay? Tell your family,” she encouraged, flashing Alex a small smile. “This is the biggest thing that’s ever happened to you and you shouldn’t have to do it alone.”
“I have you,” Alex said almost immediately, causing Maggie’s heart to skip a beat and tingle with pure joy.
“Yeah, you do and I’m good for a drink when you come out,” she replied, her signature smile on full display this time.
“You promise?” Alex asked, her voice soaked in something close to a mix of hope and dread. Maggie couldn’t stop herself from grinning. Alex Danvers was opening herself up for her, letting her see her most vulnerable side.
“Cross my heart,” she reassured, tightening her grip around her pool cue as to resist the temptation of brushing her fingers against Alex’s cheek.
Since when had she started gravitating towards Alex so much anyway? When had that constant pull that kept causing her to want to be in the woman’s presence overcome her?
Unable to answer her own questions, Maggie pushed her feelings aside and watched Alex go as she got called into work, not even realising she was supposed to be fighting the smile that took its place on her lips.
***
The Parasite’s rampage had caused a lot of damage and mayhem, which meant Maggie spent yet another day checking out crime scenes and filling out reports that piled up on her desk. Her last few cases had been practically all handed by the DEO, in missions she wasn’t part of, which was causing the detective to get a little restless.
However, Maggie didn’t complain about having a couple of quiet days every once in a while. Especially not after everything that had happened lately, which left her with an unusual need to take things easy and think about certain aspects of her life. And by aspects she meant her broken heart and the way it became a mess every time she saw Alex Danvers.
As she made her way across the city to her bar, Maggie found herself thinking more and more about the agent and by the time she got there, she was hoping to see her there so she could get her ass kicked at the pool table once more.
That deep desire to be in the Alex’s company was starting to bother her a little though. Maggie wondered if the pang of disappointment she felt when she found the agent wasn’t there was something she should be feeling. She knew that falling too hard too soon would only lead whatever was happening between them to chaos, but Maggie had been unable to push Alex to the back of her mind all day.
She usually prided herself in having the ability to become emotionally detached from this kind of situations, even though, lately, her heart seemed to be betraying her. Alex coming out to her and seeking comfort in the time they spent together had not helped Maggie keep her newly found feelings at bay.
Lost in her thoughts, Maggie focused on the current task: improving her non-existent pool skills. Pulling her shirt’s sleeves up to her elbows, the detective made her way around the table before noticing an all too familiar figure approaching her.
“Hey, Maggie,” Alex greeted her, a smile on her lips that lighted up the detective’s world. She loved how her name sounded in the agent’s voice and even though it wasn’t the first time she heard it there, she couldn’t help but revel in listening to it again.
“Danvers! Hey, I was hoping you’d turn up,” Maggie happily admitted, smiling widely, her dimples on full display as she took in Alex’s appearance. “Any interest in a game?”
“Well, actually I was wondering if you were still good for that drink you promised me,” Danvers disclosed as the closest lamp illuminated her face, giving Maggie a perfect view of her small smirk and teeth coming to nip softly on the agent’s lips.
“You told Kara?” the detective grinned, her chest swelling with pride as Alex nodded. This was as joyful as Maggie had ever seen her. Happiness looked so good on her; Maggie couldn’t help but think she was beautiful.
“Yeah you did? Aw I’m so happy for you,” Maggie moved in closer and took Alex in her arms, hugging her tightly, letting her know just how glad she was. Her arms came to temporarily rest on Alex’s shoulders and she was able to catch a scent of the woman’s soft shampoo.
Maggie found herself thinking she could stay in that moment forever, she hadn’t been that content in weeks. However she ended up forcing herself to pull away from Alex, missing the embrace as soon as she stepped away.
“I’m buying all night, what are you having?” she asked, walking away to the bar only to feel a something grab her arm and pull her back to where she was.
Suddenly she had a soft hand caressing her cheek and Alex’s lips on hers. For the briefest of moments, Maggie allowed herself to melt into the kiss. This was what she had been dreaming of ever since she had met Danvers at that crime scene. This was what she thought of when she couldn’t fall asleep late at night. This was what she wanted the most.
But soon enough alarm bells were rigging inside Maggie’s head, telling her she couldn’t have this. Not yet, anyway. It wasn’t the right time.
It took everything Maggie had to stop her hand from tugging on Alex’s jacket and letting it fall by her side instead.
“Wow,” she said, pulling away, her mind an incoherent mess of thoughts and desires.
Alex’s hands fell away from her cheeks and Maggie couldn’t help but want them back on her face, already missing the heat they radiated and the way Alex’s lips felt on hers.
“I have been wanting to do that,” the agent confessed, her eyes searching for something in Maggie’s, vulnerability clouding her gaze as she awaited the detective’s reaction.
If Maggie’s heart wasn’t already beating at an incredible high pace, trying to escape the prison that was her chest, she was sure it was now.
“Yeah, I can tell,” she smirked, lingering on the feeling of how alive she felt when Alex kissed her, on the fact that she needed to do it again.
It hurt like hell to push all of her emotions aside in order to forget that what she wanted was right there in front of her.
“Was that not okay?” Alex asked, her voice shaking slightly as insecurity crept up on her once again. Maggie’s heart clenched at the way one simple action of hers caused the DEO agent to be afraid all over again.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she reassured, fighting the need to reach out and make sure Alex knew exactly how much she meant it.
“But something’s wrong.”
“Well, we’re at really different places,” Maggie started, watching as Alex’s eyes became shinier and she forced herself to nod. “And everything is changing for you and everything is gonna feel really heightened and shiny and-,” she hummed for a moment, trying to find the right words. “You should experience that for yourself, not just to be with me,” she continued, knowing very well she was breaking Alex’s heart, conscious that it was easier to focus on the fact the agent was just starting to figure herself out than admitting how scared she was of what was happening between them.
“I shouldn’t get involved with someone who’s just fresh off the boat, those relationships never really work out,” Maggie finished, smiling softly, swallowing the “and I want things to work out with you” that was about to come out of her lips.
“I’m here for you, but as a friend,” she added, wanting to make sure Alex knew this didn’t change anything between them; wanting to wipe away the sadness that had now taken over the agent’s eyes and was causing her lip to quiver no matter how hard she tried to keep a neutral expression on.
“Mhm,” Danvers managed to mutter, taking in a deep breath.
Maggie was barely able to ask if they were cool before Alex was turning away from her, her faked smile crashing down as she was no longer able to deal with the sting of rejection.
“Alex, don’t go,” Maggie pleaded, feeling her legs go weak and being washed by slight nausea as she realised that she was the cause of the tears on Alex’s eyes, that she was hurting the person she was trying to protect.
“I’ll see you,” Alex dismissed her and continued walking towards the door, her voice cracking. Maggie knew she had fucked up.
As she watched the woman she was growing to care so much for walk away, Maggie’s chest caved in on itself and she allowed her fingers to touch the spot on her lips where Alex’s mouth had just been moments ago.
Although she knew she had done what was best for the both of them, Maggie couldn’t stop wondering if maybe she could have handled it better.
She told herself that it had been the only way. After all, Alex was still discovering herself and Maggie had just come out of a relationship. Everything was so new for the agent and the detective was scared it would all blow up on their faces if they didn’t give it time.
She wanted to be sure she was what Alex wanted and not just the reason of her gay awakening. She needed to be more than that; she couldn’t become someone Danvers would leave after finding someone better; she couldn’t be someone Alex would regret.
Although a part of her told her Alex wouldn’t do that to her and wanted to go back in time and kiss the agent back, Maggie knew this was for the best. Neither of them was ready for commitment at the moment.
Alex needed to understand who she really was without someone’s expectations weighting her down; and Maggie knew she couldn’t get involved with her then, not after having broken up with her ex just a couple of days before.
Alex deserved much more than what Maggie found herself to be at the moment; she deserved someone who would not be afraid to love her and that was something the detective couldn’t currently be.
Nevertheless, being aware of all of these things didn’t help ease Maggie’s thoughts, which were still beating her up for hurting Alex.
Doing the right thing really sucked sometimes.