Chapter Text
To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed.
It was a patrol just like any other. By now Alec, Jace and Isabelle had gone on so many patrols that they had become completely routine, and everyone at the Institute agreed that they were the perfect team despite their youth. They were just about to return to the Institute, with Alec trying to convince Isabelle that he really was excited by Isabelle’s offer to cook them all dinner when they got home, when Jace noticed it. It was as if there were eyes in the shadows, watching them. There had been a few reports to the Mundane police of attacks by strange creatures in dark alleys in this area, although the Mundanes had attributed it to hallucinations brought on by alcohol, drugs and fear; they really were determined to ignore the truth even when it was right in front of them. Jace silently motioned to Alec and Isabelle to be on alert, and the three Shadowhunters instinctively fell into their usual fighting formation; Jace and Izzy slightly forward, with Alec watching their backs, his bow now at the ready.
The two demons, when they emerged, were much larger than the average demon, and were somehow even more terrifying in appearance than the horrifying descriptions provided by the mundanes. Jace laughed, rolling his shoulders back as he raised his seraph blade.
“Three to two,” Isabelle grinned as her whip coiled down from her arm, “Should be easy.”
“I was hoping for more of a challenge!” Jace agreed, turning back to face Alec, who just rolled his eyes at his siblings’ overconfidence; he was used to it by now. They knew exactly what to do in this situation. Alec raised his bow, firing at the closer of the two demons, before quickly readying another arrow and firing at the second, with Jace and Isabelle ready to strike the demons when they were weakened by Alec’s precise shots. However, the demons did not seem phased by the arrows, and Jace barely registered Alec’s cry of warning before he felt his feet get kicked out from under him and he fell hard to the floor. A quick glance showed him that Isabelle had been as unsuccessful as he had.
“Okay, maybe they’ll be a slight challenge!” Jace groaned as he got back to his feet, gripping his seraph blade tightly. As Alec surged forwards to strike at the demon and Isabelle brought her whip crashing down, Jace charged into the fight. Fighting by Alec’s side always felt so right and he felt his parabatai’s strength coursing through their bond, invigorating him. These two demons were unusually strong for lesser demons, and seemed to have some modicum of intelligence, which made the fight that bit more intense, although it seemed that the demons were starting to grow tired. Jace turned to face Isabelle to tell her that they might be home in time for her to force them to try some of her terrible cooking after all.
Suddenly Alec cried out, his left hand holding tightly to his right wrist. The demon had stung him, and Jace felt panic flare through him as he felt the first flickers of pain through the parabatai bond. Alec collapsed to the ground, but Jace couldn’t go to him, not yet. He and Isabelle shared a silent look of worry and determination, and set about finishing off the demons with renewed vigour; they needed to be able to help their brother. Jace tried not to think about Alec, he tried to focus on the fight that he needed to win so he could save Alec, but his head started to feel fuzzy as the pain grew. Alec was shaking.
For the first time Jace thought this might be it, that they wouldn’t be able to win this fight. That he’d failed. Then he noticed Alec move, his shaking left hand somehow holding onto his seraph blade. From his position on the floor, behind Jace, he was hidden from the demon, and he made use of that; Jace wasn’t sure how his parabatai was still thinking coherently given the pain he knew Alec was currently in. Jace made sure to keep the demon’s attention on him, feeling a sense of justice as the demon gave a roar of pain as Alec’s blow struck into its leg, causing it to stumble. Seizing upon its moment of weakness, Jace struck home with the killing blow. His first thought was to go to Alec, but he stopped when he saw his parabatai shake his head.
“Isabelle.” Jace barely made out what Alec was trying to say, but he nodded his understanding and turned to their sister and the demon she was still fighting. Jace quickly joined her, and they fell into a pattern born from years of training. Jace made sure to distract the demon as Isabelle readied her whip, and manoeuvred so that she was perfectly placed to hook it securely around the demon’s neck. As it struggled to try to free itself Jace finished it off. It was almost annoying how easy it had been in the end, when it was too late.
Jace and Isabelle didn’t hesitate for a second before rushing to Alec. He was still shaking, barely conscious. As the adrenaline of the fight faded away Jace was hit with the full force of pain through the bond, although he knew it was far worse for Alec. His head felt so fuzzy and it was an effort to concentrate on what was happening, but he knew Alec needed him to focus. He saw Alec’s stele lying just out of his reach, and realised he’d tried to give himself an iratze, but hadn’t been able to. Isabelle was ahead of him, lifting Alec’s shirt so that she could apply an iratze herself.
Jace held his breath as he waited for the rune to take effect, but it was taking too long. He couldn’t see any obvious sign of improvement; Jace couldn’t stand waiting passively for a moment longer. He pulled out his stele and activated Alec’s iratze as quickly and as carefully as he could. He was surprised to find that his hands were shaking. Isabelle moved as if to take over again, but Jace stopped her.
“We’re parabatai, it’ll be stronger if I do it.” Isabelle gave a barely perceptible nod, her eyes still fixed on Alec. Jace activated the iratze again, and again. After the fifth time Jace finally felt the pain that was flooding through the bond lessen slightly, and he quickly looked to Alec. He wasn’t shaking as much and seemed to have gone a slightly better colour. He was still conscious, just about. Encouraged, Jace went to activate the healing rune again, but paused at a noise from further down the alley. They couldn’t afford to be caught now. Alec couldn’t afford it. If it came to another fight like the last one, Jace wasn’t sure he’d be able to protect Alec.
“We need to move.” Isabelle echoed Jace’s thoughts, her voice uncharacteristically wobbly. They knew they’d bought Alec some time with the healing rune, but they needed to get him back to the Institute as quickly as they could. Together they managed to get Alec to his feet and, leaning on his siblings, he was able to walk. It would take a lot longer than normal to get back to the Institute like this, but they didn’t have much of a choice. The fight, coming at the end of a long patrol, had taken its toll on all of them. Jace could still feel Alec’s pain and he was struggling to control his thoughts.
The long walk was silent aside from Alec’s ragged breaths. Even Isabelle was quiet, which was completely unlike her. Normally she’d be trying to fill the silence and to reassure Alec that he was going to be okay. Jace knew he should be doing that too, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. Not when it was all his fault. Not when it was his fault that Alec was injured at all. Not when it was his fault that Alec was suffering and could die if they didn’t get him back to the Institute in time.
Jace knew that was why Isabelle was so quiet; it was why she’d barely looked at him since Alec had been hurt. He wondered if she’d ever look at him again. Isabelle clearly blamed him, and Jace agreed with her completely.
He was Alec’s parabatai, and it was his job to look out for him. It was his primary purpose, his job, to be there for Alec. And he’d failed. Jace knew he’d been too overconfident; he’d lost count of the times Alec had cautioned him to be more careful. He’d ignored him and rushed in recklessly, as always. Alec had always warned him that he’d get himself killed one day and Jace had promised his parabatai that he’d be more cautious. But deep down he’d been okay with risking his own life. He’d just never stopped to think that Alec might be the one he got killed. Jace felt another rush of dizziness wash through the bond, jumbling his thoughts even more. He couldn’t imagine what Alec was feeling, and he hated how powerless he was to help. He’d failed his parabatai, and proven his father had been right.
To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed.
Jace felt another wave of dizziness wash over him at the thought of his father. He’d be so disappointed. He’d raised Jace to be the best; the best fighter, the best Shadowhunter. But the best Shadowhunter wouldn’t let his parabatai down like Jace had let Alec down. Life with his father had been very different to life with the Lightwoods. A strict regime, brutal training sessions, high expectations; all designed to make Jace the best possible Shadowhunter he could be. That had been his father’s greatest desire for him, but Jace had never been able to live up to it. His father had always lectured him for being too soft, for caring too much about things as stupid as a falcon. Jace had been taught that loving something too much destroyed it, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself. He’d loved his father more than anything, desperate to make him smile and to see that illusive pride in his eyes. He’d treasured the moments his father would laugh with him.
Jace had been 10 when he’d learn the truth of his father’s lessons. The day he died Michael Wayland had been preoccupied making sure Jace was safely out of sight, he hadn’t had time to prepare to defend himself. From his hiding place Jace had had the perfect view of the men bursting into the house, of his father fighting for his life, of his father bleeding out on the floor, of the blood seeping its way onto his shoes. He’d been powerless to do anything. Jace had wanted to fight the men himself. He’d wanted to scream, to cry, to make it all stop. But his father had told him to hide and to stay quiet no matter what happened, and the years of training had ingrained his obedience to his father. So he sat there, not moving, unable to tear his eyes away from what was happening in front of him. The men had dragged his father’s body away, and Jace had no idea what they’d done with it. He hadn’t even been given the honour of a funeral.
Jace could remember thinking that he couldn’t cry, that his father would be angry if he cried. He wasn’t sure how long he had sat there staring at that pool of blood, before he stumbled out of the house to try to find help. But he could remember that indescribable feeling of fear, pain, loss and helplessness. He’d vowed never to feel like that again. But tonight, feeling Alec’s pain, hearing his agonised breaths, unsure if they’d make it to the Institute in time, Jace felt it again. The Lightwoods had given him a home, a family. They loved him, and despite his father’s teaching he’d been unable to stop himself from loving them too. Alec was such an important part of that, the most important person in Jace’s life. Jace couldn’t lose Alec. He couldn’t stand it.
His father would be so ashamed; ashamed his son couldn’t protect his own parabatai, ashamed his son was so weak as to fall apart at the thought of losing someone he loved. But Jace wasn’t sure how he was supposed to not care that he could feeling Alec’s life draining away with each second that passed.
Jace’s head felt so light, almost as though he wasn’t really there anymore.
Alec would have been better off without him. He would have been better off without having to worry about keeping track of Jace’s reckless stupidity. He’d be better off if Jace didn’t love him so much. Emotions cloud judgement and love ruins everything. Maybe everyone would be better off if there had been two murders in Wayland Manor that day.
Jace risked a glance at his siblings. Isabelle was staring ahead, her face a picture of determination. Alec barely seemed to be conscious. This was all Jace’s fault.
Finally, the Institute appeared before them. Relief washed through Jace; Alec would get the help he needed. He’d be okay. Then Jace felt that icy feeling of dread grow stronger in his stomach. Everyone would hate him for what had happened tonight. He wondered if they’d ask him to leave, or if he would be the one to request a transfer to another Institute. The thought made him feel worse. And Maryse. The only mother Jace had ever known. The woman who, despite her usual cool demeanour, had welcomed Jace into her family and made him feel wanted and safe at a time when he never thought he’d feel either of those things again. She made him wonder what his real mother would have been like, even as she softened the ache of never knowing her. Jace wasn’t sure how he was going to survive her anger, her disappointment, her rejection. Not alongside Isabelle’s. Even Robert’s, who Jace could never truly think of as his father. And little Max…
As the three siblings passed over the threshold of the Institute, the strange mixture of intense relief and overwhelming dread increased in Jace. He felt as though he was acting on autopilot, barely aware of what was going on. When someone tried to take Alec away from him, a sense of panic took over and he held on to his parabatai tighter, until his thoughts cleared enough for him to remember that this was when he wanted. It was what Alec needed. He made to follow Alec to the Infirmary, but was stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder.
Maryse. She had hold of Isabelle too. Faintly Jace heard Maryse say something about wanting to debrief them, followed by Isabelle’s protests; the first time Jace had heard his sister speak in what felt like so long. Jace still felt so numb, he could feel Alec’s pain and he knew that he was feeling only a fraction of what Alec was going through. He let himself be led to Maryse’s office. Once there he was dimly aware that Maryse was asking them questions. He might even have answered some of them himself. His mind was with Alec, wondering how he was. His mind was with his father, drowning in his disappointment. His mind was with Max, watching as his little brother realised Jace was no one to be admired. His mind was with Alec, shaking on that alley floor.
The pain felt different, changed. Jace supposed that meant something was being done to help Alec.
Suddenly the atmosphere in the room shifted, and more Shadowhunters appeared. Maryse gave some urgent commands. A logical thought broke through Jace’s clouded thoughts; Maryse was sending a larger group of Shadowhunters to investigate if there were any more demons like the ones they’d run into.
“You two can go to see your brother now.” Maryse’s voice rang through clearly for the first time that night. As Jace turned to leave, Maryse took hold of his arm again.
“Are you alright?” she asked, and Jace was sure his mind was playing tricks on him, because she actually seemed concerned. About him.
Drawing on years of practice Jace mustered up a convincing grin, “I’m fine. It’s been a long night.” Maryse seemed convinced, and she nodded at him before turning back to her desk. Jace quickly went after Isabelle, jogging a little to catch up with her. She reached the Infirmary shortly before he did, and disappeared inside without so much as a backwards glance towards Jace. He hesitated outside of the doors.
Now that the desperate urgency of the night had ended and Jace was alone, he wasn’t sure what to do. He’d managed to get Alec back to the Institute, to the people who knew how to heal him. But now he had no set purpose. Jace felt more lost than ever. He wanted to follow Isabelle into the Infirmary, to stay by Alec’s side but… Jace knew he didn’t deserve that. No one would want him there, and he didn’t want to cause anyone any more pain. But, selfish as he knew it was, he didn’t want to leave Alec. He couldn’t. He wanted Alec to know that he was there for him. That he was trying.
The exhaustion of the night caught up with him, and his legs gave out. Jace slid down the wall, sitting opposite the door, alert for any change from within. He was just so tired. He wanted to wake up and find that this awful night was all just a terrible dream.
The pain was finally letting up, and Jace’s head was getting clearer, which he took to mean that Alec was getting better. It was like a weight off his mind. If Alec was okay, Jace knew he could live with whatever happened next. From this day forward he would not let anything get in the way of his focus. He would be the Shadowhunter his father had always wanted him to be. He would live up to his father’s memory. He would become a Shadowhunter worthy of being Alec’s parabatai. Maryse hadn’t seemed angry at him… Maybe she’d give him another chance here? That thought helped Jace to focus his thoughts, to try to pull himself away from the darker thoughts he usually fought to keep at bay.
He wasn’t sure how much time passed before the Infirmary doors burst open. Jace instinctively flinched, unsure of what was happening, his hand reaching for his seraph blade. It was Isabelle, and Jace braced himself for her finally unleashing her anger at him. But what she did next surprised him.
She fell to her knees, throwing her arms around him and holding him close.
“Alec’s fine. He’s going to be okay.” Her voice was choked, “I was so scared.” Jace sank into her embrace, feeling as though he could start to breathe again. Alec was going to be okay. And Isabelle…
Isabelle was here. She was talking to him and hugging him. She didn’t seem angry at him, or like she hated him even a little. Jace could barely process it.
Isabelle pulled back, her eyes shining as she asked, “Are you okay? I didn’t stop to ask, I’m sorry. I-” Jace couldn’t stop himself from interrupting her.
“I’m the one whose sorry! It was my fault.” Isabelle silenced him with a look.
“There was nothing you could have done, and it certainly wasn’t your fault.” Then she grinned at him, “It might surprise you but the world doesn’t actually revolve around you, Jace Wayland.” Despite himself, Jace laughed; he was so happy that Alec was going to be okay and that Isabelle was Isabelle. That Isabelle had come away from Alec’s side to talk to him. That she was worried about him. That she was teasing him, like always. Jace realised that Izzy had never been angry at him, she’d never blamed him; she’d been as consumed by her concern for Alec as he had been. Jace felt some of the darkness that had been consuming his mind fall away as Isabelle laughed with him.
“Alec’s awake.” Hodge’s voice came from the doorway, “He’s asking for you both.” Isabelle gave Jace’s shoulder a supportive squeeze, before jumping to her feet. Jace stood up more slowly; all he wanted to do was to see Alec, awake and healing and alive. But he wasn’t sure that it was the right thing to do.
“You can go in first.” He offered Isabelle, but she shook her head.
“He’s asking for both of us.” She replied, gesturing for Jace to follow her. Alec was alone on a bed in the far corner, and as he walked closer Jace scanned him anxiously. His parabatai looked pale, tired, but far better than he had been. And it looked like his wrist was completely healed. He really was okay.
Jace’s view of Alec was quickly blocked as Isabelle ran to embrace him. Jace moved so he was stood around the other side of the bed, running his hand through his hair as he waited. Isabelle didn’t seem to blame him, but Alec was the one who had been hurt. Jace wasn’t sure how he’d react; he reminded himself that the most important thing was that Alec was alright. Finally Isabelle drew back, and Jace kept his gaze on Alec’s healed wrist.
“I’m so glad you’re both okay.” The sound of Alec’s voice made Jace look up. Alec was looking at him, and he was smiling, but his eyes were worried. Jace quickly looked down again, wondering what he’d done to make Alec look so concerned. Or was he mistaking concern for something else? Anger? Disappointment?
“You’re the one that let a demon sting him.” Isabelle’s tone was light. Out of the corner of his eye Jace thought he saw Alec mouth something to Isabelle, and as Jace looked up she gave Alec a small nod. Quickly Isabelle ordered everyone else to leave the room, as efficiently as only Isabelle could. The other Shadowhunters did as they were told, until it was just the three of them left.
“I think you two have a few things to talk about.” Isabelle said with an encouraging smile, before giving Alec another hug and exiting the room, leaving them alone. Jace couldn’t bring himself to look at Alec, not properly. For a long moment the Infirmary was silent. Jace wanted to say something, but he couldn’t think of what he could possibly say. Alec of all people should be angry at him, hate him even. He was the one who had been hurt. Jace wasn’t sure what he’d do if Alec blamed him. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he didn’t.
“Jace.” Alec broke the silence, “What’s wrong?” He sounded worried, and after a moment he added, “I’m fine!” At that Jace couldn’t stop himself from looking up.
“You almost weren’t! You could have died and I-” Jace broke off, collapsing into the chair by Alec’s bed, his head in his hands.
“It wasn’t your fault Jace.” Alec’s tone was full of understanding, which just made Jace more confused.
“Of course it was. I messed up, you got hurt. I should have done something, I should have been better. I’m so sorry, I really am. You don’t have to pretend, I know you’re-”
“I’m what?” Alec interrupted, “Grateful that you and Izzy brought me home? Relieved that neither of you were hurt? Thankful that you saved my life? You did nothing wrong. You know, I could feel you next to me. I could feel your strength through our bond. It was the only thing keeping me going. They said I drew on your strength, that it helped me. You helped me.” That made Jace pause; maybe that explained why his head had felt quite so fuzzy. It felt good to think that he’d managed to help Alec in some way, even if it would never be enough.
“It was still my fault you got hurt. I wasn’t focused enough.” Jace needed Alec to know that he knew what he’d done wrong, that he was sorry, so that when he realised Jace was at fault he’d understand.
“Stop saying that.” Alec snapped, before his expression softened again, “It’s not true. We’re Shadowhunters, we get injured. It’s no one’s fault. When you got hurt, I blamed myself. I felt responsible. But you’re fine and there was nothing I could have done. I know what you’re feeling, but it’s not true.” You have no idea what I’m feeling, Jace thought.
“My father-” Jace started, trying to explain, “I couldn’t help my father, he wasted time making sure I was safe and I couldn’t do anything to help him. I couldn’t live with myself if I failed you like that too. He’d be so ashamed and-” Jace knew he was rambling but the words just came pouring out before he could stop himself, “I lost my father, but I didn’t want to lose your family too. But I know I don’t deserve to be a part of it if I can’t keep you safe. I need to do better, to be better, I wasn’t enough to be there for my father, and now it’s happening again.”
“Jace.” Alec said his name quietly when he paused for breath. Jace wasn’t sure what had come over him. He was just so tired and so sorry and he wanted Alec to understand.
“Don’t think like that,” Alec’s voice was almost pleading, “There was nothing you could have done tonight that you didn’t do. And your father…” Alec took a deep breath, “You were 10 years old, you couldn’t have done anything to help him. That wasn’t your fault. And I know he’d be proud of you, of course he would. How could he not be?” Alec paused again as he pulled himself fully upright, leaning forward to take a hold of Jace’s shoulders, “Our family was completed the day you arrived. Our family. It wouldn’t be the same without you. You belong with us. You’re my brother, my parabatai, my-” Alec stopped abruptly, before finishing, “There’s nothing for you to be sorry for, you haven’t done anything wrong.”
Jace wasn’t sure what to say or what to think, but as Alec’s words slowly started to sink in a new emotion began to take hold of him. Maybe he hadn’t destroyed everything after all. Maybe he still had a family, a home. Maybe, just maybe, that was never going to change.
“Jace, you believe me, don’t you?” Alec asked, his eyes searching. Jace nodded. He did. Jace was positive he’d never loved Alec more than he did in that moment, and before he knew what he was doing he’d pulled Alec in for a hug.
“I was so scared you weren’t going to make it.” He whispered, not sure if Alec could hear him.
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” Jace held him tighter. It was like Alec knew exactly what he’d needed to hear, even before he’d known it himself.
“Thank you.” Jace’s voice was thick with emotion, “I love you, parabatai.”
“I love you too.” Alec replied without hesitation. They stayed like that for a while, each drawing comfort from the other’s presence. Jace wasn’t sure what his father would make of who he had become, but right now, with Alec at his side, Jace didn’t mind so much.
“How long did they say you have to be in here?” Jace asked when they pulled apart. He was finally starting to feel more normal. Alec stifled a yawn.
“I heard something about staying overnight for observation.” Alec’s tone made it clear what he thought of that suggestion.
“But no one actually told you to stay here?” Jace asked, a faint spark returning to his eyes. Alec knew exactly what he meant, and threw off the covers with a smile. He got to his feet quickly, a little too quickly, and wobbled a little. Jace was at his side in an instant, placing Alec’s arm around his shoulders.
“I’ve got you.” Jace knew it was a small thing, but Alec hated the Infirmary. He hated sleeping anywhere other than his own bed, really. It was trivial, but if Jace could make sure Alec didn’t have to spend the night here, he would. After everything he’d been through, Alec deserved that much. It would be a small victory against the world.
“I can walk on my own, I’m fine.” Alec tried to shrug his parabatai off, even as the action made his head spin.
“Alec don’t be stupid. Besides, if we get caught you can say I kidnapped you and you were too weak to resist. That way only one of us will have to listen to Maryse’s lecture.”
“Good point.” Alec conceded; if he was honest he still needed Jace’s help to walk.
By the time they reached Alec’s room they were both utterly exhausted. Alec collapsed straight into bed, too tired to do anything else.
“You can stay in here tonight if you want.” He told Jace, just about managing to keep his eyes open. He smiled as Jace nodded and slipped off his shoes before lying down next to him. Jace was relieved that Alec had somehow again known exactly what he needed, without him having to ask for it. Maybe it was what Alec needed too. When they were kids, there had been some nights Jace had found himself in Alec’s room, wanting his brother’s presence to help him sleep. They’d never discussed it, and Jace had been thankful for that. While he’d not needed the comfort for years, tonight he didn’t want to leave Alec. Alone in the dark some of those unwanted thoughts might find their way back to the surface. And after nearly losing Alec he needed him close, where he could keep an eye on him. It was the only way he could reassure himself that Alec was okay.
Jace smiled to himself as he heard Alec start to snore, something he always vehemently denied doing.
Despite feeling utterly wiped out by the night’s events, Jace knew sleep was a long way off. But with Alec by his side, alive and well, he didn’t mind. As long as he had Alec, Jace knew he would never be alone and he would be able to face anything.