Chapter Text
In the depths of his dreams, Albert is calm. It's been nearly a month since Jake left, and while it was difficult at first, he found himself able to sleep soundly at last.
Sleep is always his favourite part of the day, the only part he truly enjoys now. He shuts his eyes just to see vivid colours bleeding into one another, distant and forgotten childhood memories resurfacing. He feels the warmth of the Florida sun on his skin and the cold Ohio breeze blowing through his hair. His dreams are so bright and colourful and happy that he chases them all day and all night, sleeping entire days away just trying to retreat to that peaceful place where nothing matters anymore.
Of course, he's there. At first he's hidden, just a familiar voice distantly heard in the background of whatever long-winded adventure Albert goes on that night. Sometimes Albert doesn't even see anything, but he can feel the instantly recognizable warmth of his body pressed against his own, or hear his faint laughter, or smell him.
Eventually, his dreams stop hiding the obvious truth from him, or maybe he just stops running from it; Jake is there, always smiling down at Albert in the way he always has, so vividly real and close in the way Albert tries desperately to forget whenever he wakes.
Albert thinks it's probably for the better that they're giving each other space. Their few conversations since Florida have been cut brief, the random Twitter links and fleeting thoughts they used to share now forgotten from their messages. In their place are long silences, leaving the other on delivered for hours before the occasional short, blunt text arrives.
It's perfectly fine and mutual, even if they never talked about it; Albert needs to breathe, to reorder his thoughts and figure out what's going on with him, and Jake probably wants the same.
Albert may feel like his heart has been ripped out, losing his closest friend he's known for half his life, but it's okay. It's better than whatever horrific alternative would've come from Albert letting Jake into his bed. They're just protecting each other.
They don't really record videos together anymore, either. The two times they have, it's been group videos with friends whose humour can cover the awkward tension and lack of conversation between them. He sucks at hiding what's going on, how strained their relationship has become, so having the others helps. He can keep up appearances, make the odd joke towards Jake to ward off suspicion or prying eyes, then leave everything behind, and nobody will question a thing. None of his friends have mentioned it to him either, thank God. Even just mentioning Jake's name forces a dagger into Albert's chest, and he could never keep it all in if someone went ahead and asked.
But actually spending time with Jake is so much different from the dream Jake. The real Jake is scary, a constant reminder of all of Albert's failures and fears and self-hatred. In his dreams, though, they exist without the newly created distance and fear between them. They joke like they always have, play stupid games together, and end their nights in barely-lit rooms, falling asleep side by side, warm and safe. Albert wakes up every time devastated, Jake's touch still lingering on his body like open wounds torn apart and never allowed to heal. He just feels so real in those dreams, and he's allowed to have him then, so he lets himself spend hours chasing sleep whenever he wakes up just to visit Jake again. All he wants is to enter the only place he allows himself to be with Jake without suffering any consequences.
He supposes that he is still suffering consequences, though, considering him and the real Jake just don't talk anymore. However, Jake isn't entirely gone. They're just taking a short break from each other; there's still room to fix their friendship and restore it. It can always go back to the joy it was before Jake started this horrible thing between them, and before Albert managed to let him slip away from his grasp.
Albert climbs into his empty bed once again after a lengthy recording session, far earlier than any healthy person would ever sleep. The sun is still hanging in the sky, only slightly beginning to lower itself into its own sleep, though Albert's new blackout curtains work to block the last remnants of light from intruding in his room. He shoves a melatonin underneath his tongue, feeling the sensation of it dissolving and seeping into his bloodstream, preparing him for a long, dreamful sleep. He's finally ready to return to his home, his world, just the way he wants.
His phone buzzes once on his nightstand, unusual considering Albert hasn't spoken to many people lately. It's probably Instagram or Twitter or something, so he ignores it, swallowing down the last bits of melatonin.
He sighs loudly, pulling his blanket around himself and shutting his eyes. He tosses and turns before he gets into a comfortable position and hugs the blanket around himself, trying to relax so he can finally fall asleep. He's hardly even tired, though he knows what his mind craves to see once again. The promise of Jake's presence is more important than any other life responsibility, not like he's really into Jake or anything.
Just as he's starting to finally relax, letting the sleepiness course through his body…
His phone begins to rapidly buzz. He's getting a call.
"Shit," Albert murmurs in the quiet room. He switches on a lamp next to him and grabs his phone before promptly dropping it, letting a small gasp out. He looks again to make sure he saw it right, but his eyes did not deceive him.
Jake is FaceTiming him.
He lets the call ring until it ends, his hands shaking too much to grab the phone again and answer. It must have been a mistake, of course it was, Albert can't let himself get too hopeful. They still haven't FaceTimed since Jake visited him, and Albert definitely didn't plan on starting that again any time soon. And yet…
He takes a few deep breaths and grabs the phone again, cold in his hand. He sits up properly in his bed, the blanket falling around his waist as he unlocks his phone and scrolls through his contacts, finding Jake. He shouldn't do this, but what if Jake wants something? What if Jake actually needs him? He's terrified, but he's so compelled to call him back, curious as to what he needs. So he does.
Jake answers the call far too quickly for Albert's liking, like he was waiting for it. He's sitting at his desk, and it seems like he also just finished a lengthy recording session. Albert wouldn't know; he hasn't opened Discord in days. He hasn't seen his face like this in weeks, though it's different due to the light still on and the sun still out. Jake is frowning slightly in the same way he did in front of Albert's bedroom door, and he immediately knows what's about to happen. Jake's going to force him to talk about it.
"Dude, what the fuck..? We don't do this anymore," Albert says, nervous laughter slipping from his mouth. He didn't mean to come off so rude.
Jake looks directly at him through the camera, his face a far cry from the peaceful expression he used to have during their calls. He looks so upset and frustrated, his eyebrows furrowed slightly. It's a foreign and strange expression to Albert, and he really doesn't like it directed at him.
"Since when?" Jake asks. "It's not like we agreed on that."
"You haven't called since you left Florida. I thought we were done with this."
"Albert.." Jake sighs. "You're avoiding me. Fuck, I'm avoiding you, too. I just.."
"You just?"
Jake's decided to just get straight to the point, to the dismay of Albert. He's so confused, no clue what's going on, forced to sit there and wait for Jake to expose all the hidden workings of their friendship. His hands are still trembling to the point it's hard to even see Jake, and he knows Jake notices this. He ends up putting his phone on the nightstand, worried he'll drop it, but finds it nostalgic, reminiscent of their old calls. He doesn't really have a choice, though; he can't hold the heavy weight of their friendship and his entire world in his hands anymore. He's reminded of long nights extending into early hours of the morning, where they did nothing but gaze into each other's eyes and talk before watching the other sleep like some gross couple.
"Don't act like you don't know what's going on. We never talk anymore. Those last days I was in Florida were boring as hell because you ignored me the whole time." Jake pauses, taking a small breath to calm himself down before he continues, "Did you really scare yourself so badly that you hate me now?"
"I don't hate you," Albert says. "I wasn't scared."
"You're still scared. You can't even look me in the eye. Fuck, over a decade of being friends, and this is how you act? Albert, I'm not an idiot. I know what happened back there. Did… You wanted it too, didn't you?"
Albert swallows audibly, silence filling the room once again, save for the little bits of static and buzzing from the call that slips into the gaps. He doesn't know how he's supposed to respond to that, any answer would be too revealing and vulnerable, so he sits there and waits for Jake to continue on.
"We're not friends anymore, you realize that, right? I never wanted this. I don't care if you don't feel the same as me, but fuck, I still wanna be your friend." Jake's voice softens, the last bits of anger seemingly draining out of him, replaced by sadness. "…And if you do feel the same, why are you letting this happen? You're just hurting yourself."
"I don't wanna ruin things," Albert mutters. He really doesn't know what to say.
"You already did."
His throat feels like it's closing up, his brain pitifully empty and foggy with no words left inside. The melatonin must be kicking in, finally, but he can't sleep now. This is his chance to fix things, and he'll never let himself miss a chance again, not after last time.
"I didn't mean to," he begins. "I just don't know. I don't know anything. I, uh… wanna fix this…"
Jake doesn't respond. He seemed so overly prepared, like he'd written out exactly what he wanted to say to Albert, but now he's speechless as he continues to stare at Albert. Why did they have to do this on FaceTime? It's making everything ten times worse than it needs to be.
Albert continues, "I fucked up, I know. I'm sorry. Let's just forget this ever happened."
"Is that what you want?" Albert nods, and Jake keeps going. "Do you really want to go back to before all this? We can try to be friends like we always have, but..."
Albert nods again. Jake averts his gaze now, placing his phone down away from his face. It makes it a lot better. Albert does the same, thankful Jake can't see every emotion running across his face anymore, the fear and pain and want colouring his skin.
"I saw the way you looked at me that night, and every call before that, too. Do.. Do I have to be more clear? I like you, Albert. Fuck, I love you. I might be wrong, but… I think you feel the same." Jake clears his throat, his voice becoming wobblier as he goes on, like he's about to burst into tears or something, and Albert's never heard such vulnerability from Jake before. His words are slightly cutting out from the call. "Ignoring this is just hurting us more than anything."
It's one thing for Albert to assume how Jake feels about him. If he really thinks, he's known for a while, from his actions and his words and the tone of voice and everything, though he refused to think about it. Hearing it is something else entirely, though; Albert is held down and forced to acknowledge exactly what Jake means and what he wants, no way to run away as the words spill onto him straight from Jake's mouth.
"..I know," he eventually spits out, quiet and pathetic. Jake lets out a short, quivery exhale at that. "But this isn't a good idea."
"Huh?"
"It's not a good idea," Albert repeats, continuing on quickly like if he stops talking, the words will all run away from him. He has to get this right. "What happens next? We won't be able to go back. I'll ruin it all, Jake, for real this time. Not like 2019 or whatever's going on right now. This way, I won't fully lose you."
"You're about to, Albert. We don't talk anymore. Yeah, I suck at texting you, but you never reach out anymore. I seriously thought you hated me for like, a week when I got back home."
Albert misses Jake. Jake has always been the biggest, brightest light in his life since the moment they met, instantly imprinting himself on Albert and never letting go of him, always believing in him even during their fights. Jake has a point; this pain is more self-inflicted than anything, and Albert's been too fearful to realize how he broke something that can't be easily fixed.
"Yeah," Albert sighs. "I suck at this, don't I?"
Jake lets out a quiet chuckle. "Yeah, you do." The call goes silent again, only a faint crackle from the call audible.
"I'm really sorry."
"It's okay, dude, just… Friends again?"
Albert pretends not to hear the hope in his voice, the implication of more behind the words 'friends.' He may want it more than anything, he may feel the desperate yearning settle in his chest and bloom whenever he hears Jake's voice, but not right now. The heavy weights on his eyelids are dragging his eyes closed, the sun now entirely gone below the horizon, with not a speck of light passing through the gaps in the curtains. He needs to sleep.
"Uh…" Albert pauses for a moment, hearing Jake exhale shakily.
"…Friends again. Of course."
Jake picks up the phone again, his room now dark too with only his dimly lit face visible, and murmurs a soft "bye, goodnight" before hanging up, a faint smile crossing his face. Albert lies back down on his bed and promptly falls asleep, no dreams crossing through his mind that night.
Albert isn't religious, though he soon begins to thank every god in the universe that he actually called Jake back that night.
That FaceTime call, while insanely awkward and horrifying and sickening all at once, actually helped to mend the hole in Albert's heart. Jake talks to him again, for real this time, and Albert always responds. They start calling each other again, familiar breathing and static flooding Albert's ears each night, though they don't sleep together in order to not move too fast. That was Jake's idea, though Albert agrees.
It's just too cruel for Albert to fully deny himself what he wants from Jake any longer. He may have only become aware of it recently, but it never fails to leave his mind now, every memory and moment shared between them under his microscope as he thinks, I loved him here, and he wonders if h's felt this way ever since they met.
They still haven't talked about any of that since the call, thankfully; Albert can't put any of his feelings or emotions into words, especially not directly to Jake, and definitely not so soon after nearly losing him. Jake seems to feel the same way, too, considering he's overly careful with his words even after essentially confessing everything in that call. Albert thinks it's kind of sweet, he can't lie. Jake is trying his best to protect him.
They start playing Fortnite together again, and when Jake complains that Albert still hasn't improved at all, he realizes he hasn't even touched the game since they stopped talking. He spent all of his time chasing imaginary versions of his best friend instead of just owning up, talking to him and making himself happy. Even wasting away playing video games for days straight would have been better than that.
Of course, Albert can try as hard as he wants, but he'll never be able to prevent them from eventually sleeping on call again, a mere two weeks after mending their broken relationship. It was inevitable. They just sleep so much better together, unable to go without each other's calm breathing and the quiet hum of the call for too long, and Jake is even proud to admit that now, like it doesn't shatter Albert's entire world. At least it's a mutual thing.
It's more intimate than ever before, Jake and Albert yapping about absolutely nothing for hours before they finally shut their eyes, and Albert is less afraid of getting caught gazing longingly at Jake's dim, blurry face as he sleeps.
Repairing their friendship can't fix the pain and fear in Albert's heart, though. He's still terrified of everything that happens, constantly aware this might be the wrong choice and that everything will crash and explode into a million bright, burning pieces. Yet, seeing Jake smile in the dark, his happiness so strong that Albert can feel it states away, Albert is reassured that it will be okay eventually.
The sun is beginning to set in Ohio, dipping below the horizon and taking most of the light with it. The brightness of Jake's smile never falters, though, as he distantly listens to Albert rant about some MMA fight. The sun is still hanging on in Florida, drenching the room Albert is in and shining on his skin. Jake is clearly only half-listening, muttering short "mhm"s and "wow"s before interrupting Albert completely.
"What if I came back to Florida?"
Albert instantly stops pacing around, his body frozen into place in the middle of his living room. The previous topic is entirely forgotten, the promise of Jake's return infinitely more important than anything else could ever be.
"What?"
"Y'know, last time.. It kinda sucked, dude." Jake laughed. "It was fun, I guess? But it sucked."
Albert was able to admit that. He was an awful host. Sure, maybe the first day was good, great even, but the subsequent empty days and lonely, cold nights felt like both of them wanted to be anywhere else. Albert usually hated counting down the days until Jake left, and hated watching Jake disappear at the airport even more, but this time, he had wished the trip was shorter so he'd have more time to think clearly. He wanted away from the suffocating tension that filled the air and made him sick to his stomach, which followed Jake around everywhere.
"Uh, yeah.. sorry."
The two discuss further, Jake already knowing plane ticket details and dates which he'd been looking up during Albert's lengthy monologue. He can't find it in himself to be mad at Jake for not listening, not when the promise of his company is so close and real once again. Sure, he still sees Jake whenever he shuts his eyes at night, but he now realizes that the real Jake is better.
By the time the sun sets in Florida, a short ten minutes since Jake initially brought it up, the tickets are already purchased for two weeks in the future. Neither of them are entirely sure if they'll even be free, but they'll make time for each other always. Jake looks overjoyed again, blissful smiles decorating his face.
The suddenness of it all is frightening, though Albert seems to be scared of everything nowadays, so he's sure it will be fine. Enough time has passed that now it feels safe to see Jake and be in his proximity once again, and god, he wants it.
The distance is starting to get painful again. He can watch and yearn for Jake all he wants across the screen, but it will never compare to the feeling of their knees brushing on the couch or Jake's real voice, not obscured through speakers and static. He's able to admit to himself now how badly he wants Jake, how he wants to feel and breathe him in, and he wants more than he could ever get through a shitty FaceTime call.
He knows deep in his heart he can't mess up again. Last time was catastrophic, no matter how badly he tried to and still does deny it to himself. He was moments away from losing his best friend entirely, his longest lasting and closest friendship washing away into the ocean forever.
He'll never let Jake get away from him like that again.
This time, as Albert waits at the airport for Jake, he doesn't regret the visit at all. He's eager to see Jake this time, rocking back and forth on his feet while waiting to see him.
Still, as he checks the time repeatedly to see when Jake will walk out, any second now, his heart begins to pound in his chest again.
Even if he's overjoyed to see him, Albert is still slightly sick to his stomach in a way he only feels when Jake is involved. Sure, it's impossible to deny his feelings towards guys in general now, but Jake is an entirely different identity. Jake may have told Albert exactly how he feels, but Albert still doesn't really know; all he knows is that he loves Jake a lot. He feels forced to decide, like a ticking time bomb will explode the universe if he doesn't act soon and figure out how the hell he feels about this. Jake just seems so perfect, so untouchable, so important to Albert that he can't stand to potentially hurt him. His less-than-platonic feelings for Jake have been buried for seemingly centuries, covered in layers of dirt and iron bars guarding even himself from knowing the truth.
That voice in the back of his head is still screaming relentlessly that he's going to fuck up, though it's much quieter than before. He's still convinced that loving Jake is a horrible idea, but he can't silence his heart's cries any longer and deny the truth. But—
"Albert," Jake yells into his ear.
Wow, was Albert really spiralling again? This was beginning to be a pattern with him and airports and Jake.
"Fuck! Hey, dude," Albert says, startled. He smiles up at Jake and grabs the bag from his hands, small buzzes of electricity running through him as their fingers brush. He walks quickly out of the airport, shaking the jumpiness off himself as Jake follows close behind him.
He listens patiently as Jake complains once again about the flight and the stifling Florida heat, just like their last visit. As Jake continues to ramble on about his problems at the airport security, clearly frustrated, he can't help but notice how he beams whenever Albert laughs, the sparkly look in his eye whenever they catch each other's gaze.
The reassurance in Jake's face helps Albert as he realizes this trip will be different than last time.
They stop walking when they reach Albert's car. Jake stands close behind, fanning the sweat from his face as Albert shoves Jake's bag in the backseat of his car hurriedly. The two get into the car, Albert climbing into the driver's seat, though he doesn't start the car yet. His hands are frozen, though it's even hotter in the car than outside, suffocatingly so. He's scared again, like a dog left to die in a car in the summer.
He twists to put on his seatbelt, his shaking hands reaching the buckle before he pauses. Jake is looking at him, impossible amounts of emotion twinkling in his eyes. He's nearly leaning over the center console again, his face shiny and glistening with sweat, the beaming sun shining through the windshield and reflecting off of him. He looks beautiful, and Albert thinks that's the first time he actually let himself think that.
"What?" Albert asks, noticing the words stuck on the tip of Jake's tongue.
"Uh, nothing, just…" Jake gulps, inching slightly further away from Albert. He tries to shove his heart, which has leapt into his throat, back down and ignore it, starting the car to finally get the air conditioning going so they don't pass out and die in there.
"What..?" Albert repeats again, though he knows what that hesitant, wanting look in Jake's eyes means. He's finally able to let himself have what he wants, and now he has to decide.
Albert may be unsure about nearly everything, still walking on eggshells after his prior mistakes, but he now knows he'll always love Jake, he has from the moment they met. Right now, Albert really wants him. The sun is blaring through the windshield, harsh and bright and gorgeous as it illuminates Jake.
He already knows what it's like to refuse what he wants. He'll never let it happen again.
"Can I.. Is it, uh, okay if I… y'know…" Jake sputters. His cheeks are flushed pink, probably partially from the heat of the car, fuck, it's too hot. His eyes drop down to Albert's lips for a split second before returning to stare at him, his hand reaching slowly up to his shoulder.
Albert can't speak when his heart is in his throat, so he nods. He can never deny Jake anything. It could be an awful idea, but who cares when it's the only thing he wants to do?
The two lean in over the center console, their noses bumping into each other before they pull away and laugh. It feels like Albert's first kiss, like he's a teenager with his first crush, and maybe Jake is the first kiss that's ever really mattered.
Jake slowly leans back in, their lips finally connecting, warm and sweaty in a way that should be gross but it isn't, and Albert's heart soars. Jake's hand now grips Albert's shoulder, squeezing it gently and sending shivers down his spine. It's honestly quite an awful kiss, their teeth clacking against each other multiple times, and Albert's hesitation and nervousness seep into every sliver of space between them.
Suddenly, the sting of cold air finally pouring from the vents hits their faces. Jake and Albert pull apart, their foreheads still touching as they breathe each other in.
It was short and brief, but Albert is glad, as any more would probably have killed him. He smiles, so overwhelmingly happy that his body is turned to jelly. He still has to drive Jake to his place, to home, but he really needs a moment to process everything first.
His mind is still racing, thoughts of their future and promises of tomorrow bouncing around and knocking out any remaining brain cells, not like he thinks he has many left in the first place. Though nothing matters when he has Jake next to him, smiling, his light shining through Albert's life brighter than the sun could ever even try. They have a whole week to figure things out, plus infinite time afterwards because Albert will never leave Jake again, not as long as the sun and moon stay in the sky.
That night, Albert sleeps better than he has in his entire life. He dreams of colours and calm and warm touches and love wrapping its arms around him. He wakes up well-rested for once, a slight smile on his face as he turns over and wonders if it has anything to do with the man snoring peacefully by his side.