Chapter Text
Shaun had washed his hands of the Jackie situation. He realized what it had been doing to her and decided he didn’t need to bring up old, painful memories, that it would just be better to leave them alone. He couldn’t lie—he missed her—but he would never think this into existence. He just couldn’t be around her when they weren’t them.
Not being able to be around Jackie created a number of problems for Shaun, the worst being that he never left his apartment anymore. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t stomach being around Jackie after all these years, and he lied to her again. So instead, he lied to Mia. He came up with many reasons why he couldn’t be around Jackie, but the one that seemed to work was his increasing workload.
“Do you just not like Jackie?” Mia had asked him one night.
“No.”
That was the problem, he thought. He did like Jackie. He loved being around her, speaking to her. But he hated it, because he had to act around her. Act like he didn’t know every little detail about her life. Act like they didn’t have a million little jokes. Act like he didn’t love her anymore.
“Well, I know you like Natty,” Mia said.
Shaun rolled his eyes. “Because yesterday Jackie told me how much Nat enjoys hanging out with ‘Rudder’ again. And I know you like me.” Shaun stuck his tongue out at her. “So…”
She shot him a knowing look.
“No, it’s just—work has been so busy lately. Tim has been on my ass more than ever with the new project.”
“Project?”
“Yes.”
Shaun loved Mia, but he always knew in the back of his mind that she did not care about his work. Shaun was good at reading people, and so was Mia. They also had the problem of not being self-aware. Early on, Shaun realized that Mia didn’t pay attention to the work he did. He liked it, but he knew that someone who didn’t read a single book all of tenth grade wouldn’t care about his pretentious work. He started using this detail to his advantage when he didn’t feel like talking to Mia.
“It’s—Tim wants me to rework this longform pitch I’ve been sitting on. It started as a personal essay, but now he wants it reframed as reported, so I’m trying to figure out the structure.”
She waited. Blank.
“It’s about, like, liminal spaces,” he added. “Night drives. Transitional places. I’m interviewing people to anchor it, but the voice still has to feel cohesive. Tim keeps saying it’s too internal.”
Mia frowned. “Okay.”
“So I’m basically rewriting the nut graf over and over and trying to decide if it even works as one piece or if it needs to be serialized,” he said, shrugging. “It’s just—time-consuming.”
“Sounds… involved,” she said, already reaching for her phone.
“Yeah,” Shaun said. “It is.”
And that’s how Shaun found himself at the gym at 7 p.m. on a Friday instead of getting ready to go out with his girlfriend.
Shaun liked the gym fine. He enjoyed working out. He liked running and lifting. He liked knowing that he could change himself in a way he could see, physically. An unpopular belief that he held—unpopular to Mia, that is—was that people should not talk in the gym. Nothing was worse to Shaun than a couple talking at the gym at five in the morning.
One observation Shaun had made when he started going was that whenever he talked about the gym, people would say, I should really start going to the gym, as if Shaun would judge them. Shaun did not care. Mia, unfortunately, was one of these people. She always insisted she had to go to the gym, but never seemed to go. She tried to convince Shaun that they should go together. But the best part of the gym was going alone, and he couldn’t handle being that couple talking at five in the morning.
Currently, while Shaun was working out, there was a familiar voice behind him.
Shaun finished his set, got up to go to the next machine, and saw Jackie Taylor.
Dammit.
He considered walking away. Pretending he didn’t see her.
She smiled at him and waved him over. Maybe it was because Jackie and Mia were friends and he wanted to make Mia happy. Maybe it was because there was still a charge between Jackie and himself that he couldn’t ignore. Whatever the reason, he obliged.
“Hey, Jackie.” He stared at his feet.
Seeing Jackie without the distraction of alcohol or Mia was difficult for him. He had to act like he didn’t know her. Had to make it sound like he hadn’t said her name a hundred times. Had to pretend like he didn’t know her better than his girlfriend. This was what he was trying to avoid.
“Hi, Shaun,” she said, giving him a quick smile. “So what are you doing here on a Friday night?”
“Oh, just—” Shaun didn’t want to lie to Jackie anymore. “Working out,” he said awkwardly.
“Well, yeah.”
“So.”
They stared at each other awkwardly, as if they had never spoken alone before. Shaun waited for her to say something. Anything. Anything that would let him pretend they were strangers.
“Where’s Nat tonight?” Shaun finally found normal-sounding words.
“What, don’t you call her Natty behind her back?” Jackie said, pushing him.
“I guess not?” Shaun said, put off by Jackie declining his obvious easy talking option.
“Well, I better—” Shaun said, mentally searching for a new gym he could go to.
“Do you wanna go get a drink with me?”
No. Shaun did not want to get a drink with the girl he was purposefully avoiding. Shaun wanted to go home and watch The Office with his girlfriend.
So Shaun found it odd when—
“Sure, why not?” came out of his mouth.
It came out before he could stop it. Something happened to Shaun when he was around Jackie that he couldn’t describe. He felt like he was leaning in while already falling forward.
…
“So I’m glad you asked.”
“Huh?”
Shaun looked at her dumbly. He ordered one beer. Just one, so he could lie to Mia and say he did a good job and rewarded himself. That’s all he had to do tonight. Play dumb. Lie. It would all be over soon.
“Where Nat was… is tonight,” Jackie said. Her forehead scrunched up; Shaun could tell she was pushing herself to say this.
“Oh yeah?”
“Well, it’s just—I don’t know?”
This wasn’t like Jackie at all. When they were younger, Jackie was stubborn. It made her a good captain. It made her confident, a good leader. It also made her say the wrong thing to Shaun, make him mad, and refuse to take it back. Shaun hated that.
Now it felt like Jackie was saying the right thing and going back on it. Had she changed?
“No, no. Now you have to tell me.”
Shaun felt a bit bad for her. This was the first time in a while he’d seen her down on herself. If he couldn’t tell her the truth, he could at least be there.
Jackie looked at him with wide eyes, almost like she was seeing her best friend for the first time since that night.
“I don’t wanna shit talk your friend to you.”
Shaun had to do this. For Mia, he told himself.
“You say that like we’re not friends,” Shaun said.
Jackie quirked her head at him. “Shaun, be serious.”
“I am,” he said, his voice rising. “Plus, it’s not like Nat’s never been a shitty girlfriend.”
“Oh, like when you two were ‘dating,’” Jackie said, putting up air quotes.
“No, no.” Shaun wiped the dumb look off his face, sensing he needed to be serious. “Nat dated a decent amount of people in college. I’m sure you know that.” Jackie nodded. “But she was gone from our apartment a lot too. I would always do my work at the kitchen table, and I guess these broken-hearted girls could sense my… well, you know.” He gestured at himself. “So I guess you could say I’ve heard a lot of Nat ‘shit.’”
Jackie nodded.
“And like, well, I love her,” Shaun said, then hurried, “As a friend, of course.” Jackie stared at him, and he remembered how jealous she used to get when they were kids. “But I did not love comforting Jessica—I think that was her name—on Valentine’s Day because Nat had a ‘gig.’”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah.”
Sometimes, after Shaun finished talking, he realized he had said too much. He wondered how Jackie saw him now. Was he just some random guy who occasionally shit-talked her best friend? Or could she sense that there was more underneath? Could she remember what they had been to each other?
“No, it’s—Nat had a ‘gig’ tonight,” Jackie scowled. “That’s why I was at the gym by myself. Sorry about that, by the way.”
Jackie sighed.
“Nat ditched me,” she said. “So we’re drinking.”
She raised her hand toward the bar.
“Two shots.”
When they showed up, Jackie took hers immediately. Shaun followed.
Shaun nodded and took a sip of his second beer.
“What did you,” Shaun looked up at her, “mean by the girls could sense it?”
“Oh.” Jackie looked confused. “I assumed that you—Jackie, I’m bisexual.”
Shaun felt fairly comfortable with his bisexuality. Society accepted him liking either gender. He’d always kind of known. People didn’t seem to care about him liking boys, even knowing he used to be a girl. He assumed Jackie knew. Nat knew—she knew he kept his transness close to his heart but didn’t care who knew about his bisexuality. Shaun thought that was why Jackie had been making fun of him at brunch.
Nat and Shaun had a running joke in college that their ‘relationship’ was so bad Shaun had to switch to boys after her. Shaun had liked a total of four girls in his life: Jackie, Nat, the girl from the coffee shop, and Mia.
“That makes so much sense,” Jackie said. “I was wondering why Nat would hang out with a straight guy for four years, but—” Shaun nodded painfully. “So how did you know you were bi?”
“Um… aren’t you gay too?”
Maybe Shaun was wrong and Jackie wasn’t gay. Maybe this was all a setup. Or worse, maybe Jackie was physically but not culturally gay.
“Yes, Shaun,” she said, exasperated. “I’m gay.”
He nodded drunkenly. He seriously felt like he was dreaming. Speaking to Jackie Taylor. An out gay.
“I’ve just never met a bisexual guy before,” she added. “I guess you’re my first.”
He coughed on his beer. Jackie had to stop doing that.
“Well, to answer your question, I guess it was because I made out with my childhood best friend one too many times for it to be straight.”
“No way, Shaun.” She swatted his arm. “I did that too. It was a girl though.” She tilted her head. “But yours was a boy?”
“Yes. It was gay.”
Technically, not a lie, Shaun thought.
“Shaun, you’re a much more interesting man than I thought when I saw you at the gym tonight.”
“You’re just saying that because I’ve made out with boys… and we shit-talked your girlfriend.”
“So?” Shaun put his head on the bar. “It’s not just that.” Jackie nudged him. “You also say more than three words when you’re not around your girlfriend, which is fun.” She paused. “How is she today?”
This was the part Shaun hated. Growing up, he kept secrets from Jackie—not to be cruel, but because he needed to feel like his own person. Mia was one of those things. And knowing she wasn’t a secret hurt.
“Good. I think.”
“Where is she tonight?”
Shit. He had to tell Jackie to lie for him.
“You can’t make fun of me, okay?” he said, holding up a finger.
“Not possible. But shoot.”
“I was trying to hit a new PR on bench.”
“God, you are such a gym loser, Shaun.”
“No,” he paused. “We go to the same gym. So I—” He put his head in his hands. “I lied to her and told her I was working late.”
“What?”
“I lied to her and told her I was working late.”
“God, you are such a loser.” Jackie checked her watch. “Time to go home to your girlfriend, Rudder.”
“Bye, Jack,” he said as he left, without thinking.
…
“Hey, baby,” he said as he stumbled into the apartment.
“God, are you drunk?”
“Yes.”
Mia shot him a glare. “I couldn’t figure it out.”
“Come here.” She pulled him into her arms. “Next time you can’t,” she said in a dumb boy voice, “‘figure it out,’ just come home, okay?”
“Okay.”
He kissed her.
As he kissed her, he felt a shift. His life wouldn’t be the same anymore. Something was missing.
He wasn’t kissing Jackie.