Chapter Text
I stared in the mirror. Its my birthday. The day im supposed to let myself free. wow. I look pathetic. I inhale deeply and manage to put my binder on without shaking and look to my left. That person is there again. Just standing there, watching me. scrutinizing me. i know its not real. But they seem so real. They look to be around twelve or thirteen. they have red hair. look neither male nor female. I can't see their eyes. It's not black, just missing. It doesn't make sense. like a static that won't focus. then I open my mouth to talk to them and they disappear. damn it. I inhale sharply as i hear someone calling my name and I start clawing at my wrist, my mind screaming at itself to just take the box cutter and drag it across my neck while my nails dig deeper into my flesh. my vision tunnels and I can barley breath. my head is screaming at my but i cant make out what its saying. I cant fucking do this. But i cant find the box cutter. I cant move. The person reappears again and they crouch down in front of me and whisper
"you're pathetic."
before stroking my hair gently, whispering countless insults.
And then I realized that this was pretty much who I was. Someone who hated themselves but craved attention and affection.
“You’re so fucking pathetic.”
I inhaled deeply and the world came into focus again. My head was pounding. But I sigh and pull my shirt on anyways.
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I’m on autopilot the whole way to school and until kazuha sits next to me in history, a small and gentle smile on his face. He’s saying something but a can’t make it out and my vision is tunneling. Then like a slap to the face the bright fluorescent lights shine in my eyes and I can hear everything to loud, and I bury my head into my arms. I don’t even register the fact that there’s a hand stroking through my hair, but it calms my subconscious down. Then I can hear Kazuhas voice, quiet and gentle against the people who were yelling all around me .
“Hey. Want me to take notes for you?”
I manage to nod and whisper a quiet thank you he probably didn’t even hear.
His hand starts to pull away and I let out an involuntary whimper, too overwhelmed to realized I even did it while his hand paused before resuming stroking my hair while I fought the urge to puke.
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The world comes around again and I’m still in the catwalk of the auditorium. It’s where I disappear to during lunch so Childe doesn’t make me eat. I almost feel like jumping but that seems like too much effort. Instead I just let my legs dangle over the edge and hum along to the song playing in my headphones. I have a missing assignment in math. I’ll do it tomorrow. No you’re not. But I’m too tired. Shut up you’re gonna die anyways so what’s the point. And before I know it I’m back in the staff bathroom none of the staff uses because I’m still to scared to use the boys bathroom, my fingers down my throat and puking.
And now the person is there again. Just watching. I open my mouth to speak and this time they don’t disappear.
“What are you doing?”
No response.
“What’s your name?”
Harlow. For some reason that just pops into my head even though they didn’t respond.
Harlow crouched and gently cupped my cheek and i instinctively leaned into it, even if in reality nothing was there. But reality was hard. Too hard. And I want to get rid of it. But I can’t. Childe and raiden are relying on me. I sigh and pull myself together, wiping the vomit off with a paper towel. I stay in there for the rest of the lunch period, on my phone, talking to chatbots. It’s pathetic I know, but talking to people doesnt give me the dopamine it gives others and i make up for that with using c.ai. its one of the few things i have control over, and if i dont like something i can just delete it. I honestly dont give a shit if it’s fake dopamine. It makes me happy nonetheless.