Chapter Text
It had been three weeks since Shane and Ilya had said I love you. Ilya had changed his flight to stay at the cottage a few more weeks. He would stay until two days before pre season started. As long as possible. They were already dreading the moment they would have to say goodbye.
They had settled into life as boyfriends quite easily. Living together seemed natural to them. They moved, worked and played alongside each other so well.
One thing took Shane by surprise.
The amount of physical affection he received from Ilya.
Whenever possible the Russian had his arms wrapped around Shane, his head on his shoulder, was touching him on his lower back.
And the kisses.
They were constant.
Quick pecks.
Passionate smooches.
Soft caresses.
Shane wasn’t complaining. It was nice. Feeling so loved by the man who was his everything.
They were sitting beside each other on an outdoor couch by the lake one day when Ilya leaned over and kissed Shane’s cheek. For no apparent reason.
“I didn’t realise Ilya Rozanov liked kissing so much”, Shane teased.
“I like kissing you. A lot. It’s my favourite. You’re so pretty and you have a nice mouth”.
“Yes, you told me before”, Shane reddened remembering tuna melt day.
“I don’t mean in that way Shane. You have a beautiful mouth. I can’t stay away”, as if to illustrate his point, Ilya kissed him again. On the mouth.
“Plus”, Ilya continued, “I need to make up for Vegas”.
Shane was confused. His brow furrowed and he turned to Ilya with a question in his eyes.
Ilya looked shy.
“The night of the awards. I never kissed you when we fucked. I regret that now”.
Shane was shocked. He had noticed the lack of kisses. He had almost pointed it out. But he didn’t think Ilya had.
“You remember that?”
“Of course. I remember every moment of us”, Ilya said sincerely.
Shane softened and rubbed Ilya’s face gently. But he still needed to talk about this.
“Why didn’t you. Kiss me?”
“Because I was afraid if I started that I wouldn’t be able to stop”, Ilya said simply.
On the page, that would sound like a cheesy line from a film. The way Ilya said it brought tears to Shane’s eyes.
Ilya put his head on Shane’s lap as he sometimes did when he wanted to open up about something but was scared.
Shane waited for him to continue.
“When we met at the Olympics, you were so concerned for me. I hadn’t felt that from someone in years. I wanted to tell you everything. But I felt like maybe that was betraying my father. And then our night together weeks before……I was falling for you Shane. You were becoming more than just a fuck. But I had to go back to Russia where I knew my father was getting sick. I couldn’t allow myself to fall for you”.
Shane ran his fingers through Ilya’s hair.
“The easier thing would have been to not see you at all. But I couldn’t stay away. I had to be near you. Had to have you. Had to feel you. So I did it in the way I thought was best. No kissing. No eye contact. Having you perform for me”.
Shane cleared his throat.
“It was hot at first. But then it just felt dirty. We hadn’t felt dirty up to that point”, Shane rubbed his eyes as if trying to erase the memory.
“I’m sorry”, Ilya rubbed Shane’s knee.
“It’s ok”.
“And then afterwards, lying on the bed with you. It felt fragile but so special. I didn’t want anything disturbing that moment. I allowed myself to believe for a minute that we were possible”, there was a wobble to Ilya’s voice.
“And then I mentioned Russia”, Shane said apologetically.
“You were just trying to get to know me”.
“You weren’t ready”.
“I was terrified if you knew the truth about me it would scare you away and I would lose you. But by not kissing you, by being cold and distant as you left, I ran that risk anyway. I didn’t want to be that way. I wanted to run to you and hold you and kiss you. But I couldn’t. My father. My family. Russia. It all felt too difficult”, Ilya wiped a tear from his eye.
“You were never going to lose me Ilya. I was too far gone at that point”.
“If I had only let you in, you would have helped me. The way you’re helping me now”.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it Ilya. I ran away from it too. But we got there in the end”, Shane tried to put a cheer in his voice.
He could feel Ilya smiling.
“We did. I love you Shane”.
“I love you Ilya”.
Ilya sat up and kissed him again. Because he could. Because he didn’t have to stop.