Chapter Text
Since there were so many negative feelings and thoughts inside Buck's head due to the tsunami, the weeks following the event he kept on writing, non-stop if felt like. Since many people had already connected Miracle to the tsunami Buck felt less fear publishing other songs that were also related to the tsunami. Buck was not blind to the speculations about who he was in relation to the tsunami, a victim, a hero, a witness? He had also seen some people trying to connect other major LA events to Omens on the roads schedule of publication, but so far they had not found anything of substance. Maya and Claire had helped him during a phone call and they had all realized they had to be smart about this. He did not want anyone to know who he was. He had put too much of his soul and his raw feelings into these songs. The possibility that someone who knew him, someone in his family, would know that he had written these songs made his head ache and his stomach churn with dread. He didn't know if any of them already listened to Omens on the Road and he kinda hoped they didn't. At least he did not want to know if they did, it would add a lot of new, unnecessary pressure. He could keep on “using” the tsunami thing until they decided on a way to steer the attention away from LA.
Ooh, stop
Ooh
Ooh
With your feet on the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Besides writing songs, Buck also spent a lot of time with his friends and family. A lot of the time was focused on Chris, which no one questioned. They all knew the two had experienced a trauma and formed an even stronger bond than before. Chris was also the only person Buck felt he did not have to hide all his feelings from. With the others it felt like he always was walking on a line, managing his reactions and facial expressions when certain things were mentioned or happened.
The biggest thing that still lingered, also for Chris Buck got to know later on, was the fear of water. This was something that pained -Buck greatly. Having always loved the oceans, any body of water really, it felt like a part of him was missing. He could only take short, very warm showers when he usually had at least one longer shower a month before. Where he just enjoyed the feeling of the water, drawing out his thoughts. Now it was impossible and he had yet to find a different way to silence the thoughts, next to writing. This persisting fear of water slowly pulled him back into a period of time where he felt depressed, stayed locked inside of his home if noone specifically asked him to join.
Way out in the water
See it swimming
This song was written during a very mental dark spiral that Buck had found himself in. He couldn't tell his nightmares from the real world and the feeling of the water and the waves pushed down on his shoulders every second of the day. He had truly felt like he lost his mind and a piece of himself so he did the only thing he could think of that could help, sing. The words felt like they were dragged out of him. Hoarse, scratchy, Buck doubted if you could even call this singing, maybe it was more like screaming. He sang the songs he had already written, he sang songs by other artists that spoke to this feeling inside, happy songs, slow songs, yet unwritten songs, songs that never would be written, anything really. And also, this song. A song filled with all the doubt Buck felt inside. Feeling that when the water pulled back into the ocean it took a part of his soul with him. He sometimes felt like he was going crazy, because why could he not drop this? The city of La, the santa monica pier, the diaz family had all been able to make progress and get better. Get back on their feet after the devastating event. Why couldn't he?
The process of singing, screaming and writing this song had been a chaotic process and in the end the hours of screaming lead to Buck kinda destroying his voice. It would take a couple of days for it to be back to normal again. Buck knew Maya and Claire would be very disappointed.
I was swimming in the Caribbean
Animals were hiding behind the rock
Except the little fish
Bump into me, swear he's
Tryin' a talk to me, say wait wait
Having Chris with him during the tsunami probably saved his life. Having watched finding Nemo AND Finding Dory the week before with him had helped additionally. The constant mantra of “just keep swimming” in the water, and of “just keep.. looking, walking, searching” when the water had pulled back kept him going. He could not stop and had to find Chris. And now a similar mantra spun through his head. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. It had been stuck in his head on repeat, sometimes switching words. Telling him to just keep on breathing or surviving or writing or living. It was truly the only thing that saved him during this time. He had to keep on swimming if not for himself then for Chris, and Maya and Claire, and the rest of his family. He could not disappoint them like that when he first had caused them all a great amount of fear, and then they had done their best at saving him and succeeded.
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out in the water
See it swimming
He keeps on feeling like he lost a part of himself somewhere in the rubble. Lost himself. He was scared he would not find his way back again. The 118 had saved him physically, and now he maybe needed them to save the rest of him as well. He could likely not get through this without a little help from his friends.
With your feet on the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out in the water
See it swimming
[...]
Publishing this song was difficult in a different way. It was not that he was scared of people knowing he was in LA or was affected by the tsunami, no. This time it was difficult due to publishing the song making everything feel real. All the feelings he felt and the thoughts he had would suddenly be out there for everyone to see. He showed the girls and made them cry yet again. They later laughed and wondered if he would ever make a song that didn’t make them weep like babies. Seeing as they were mostly based on Buck's trauma they also settled on it being very unlikely. As they thought Where is my mind was the second song by Omens on the road that people connected to the tsunami. The song really cemented the fact that Omens on the road had probably either been in the tsunami or lost someone during it. Not many knew that the person he lost was himself.