Chapter Text
The floor dropped from beneath Ryujin. The apartment spun, fading out of sight above her. Breath knocked from her lungs, the rushing air burned her eyes. She flipped herself around in the air, facing the ground. She squinted against the tears building, but everything got blurrier.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
She could hardly see the rapidly approaching ground. She braced herself for the impact. Crashing into the dirt, Ryujin expected it to hurt more. Instead, it felt like running into a wall when you’re not paying attention. Just enough of a jolt to make you notice.
“Umm–” Ryujin looked up from the ground. Her vision was faintly blurry, like she was on the verge of tears. Anxiety knotted strangely in her ribs. She was in an unfamiliar room.
Two little girls stood together in the middle of the room. The smaller was hiding behind the one speaking, presumably from the woman sitting the chair near the window. Ryujin couldn’t make out her face. They all looked familiar. “Sayeon…”
Her throat dried. I am going to show you. A foreign fear filled her ribs. Is.. Is this Sayeon’s memory? Of her family?
“Says that some boy at school is picking on her… Mom.” The hair on the back of Ryujin's neck stood.
Sayeon’s mother smiled. It was cold. “Sayeon, sweetheart… Why on Earth would you let him?” Little Sayeon’s face shifted. Eyes widened. Clarity cleared Ryujin’s head.“You’re my daughter. You’re above that.”
That’s… not…
The room faded in a flash of white. Ryujin shut her eyes against the light. Confusion unfurled before her eyes opened.
Sayeon, barely older, stood before the older girl from before. Probably her sister, if Ryujin had to guess. Her sister’s eyes were empty.
“Sayeon Lee! Don’t ask any questions. Just listen to me, okay?” Her sister dropped to her knees. She wrapped her arms around Sayeon’s shoulders. “Mom is going away for a while. But nothing’s gonna change! Mom’s friends and I will take care of you.”
This must be just after her mother died. She really had been little. Sayeon’s eyes drifted upwards and met Ryujin’s gaze?
No. She’s not looking at me.
Ryujin looked over her shoulder and felt her stomach drop with her own dread. Sea Wolves. High ranked, by the handkerchief in their pockets. One, in particular, stood out.
White hair and skin. Red tinted glasses. Cigarette hanging out of his mouth. The head.
Her skin prickled with unease. Distress and confusion swirled through her. No fear. Not yet, at least.
“O-Okay!” Ryujin looked back at Sayeon and her sister. She’d hugged her sister back and buried her face into her neck. A trust so pure it burned, seared itself into spaces between Ryujin's ribs.
Her sight was blurrier than it had been a moment ago.
The room darkened. Ryujin braced herself for another memory. The space around her lightened to an odd setting.
Everything was in shades of gray.
Sayeon was about two years older than she’d been in the last memory, sitting on a set of stairs outside what was most likely her house. Hands at her sides, shoulders slumped. Scuffing her shoes on the steps below her. A crushing sense of isolation forced Ryujin’s breath shallow. Her face felt wet, but her vision was clear.
Sayeon's sister, older, stood further up the stairs, hands behind her back. A plain bandaid on her cheek. The only color in the memory was the blood red of her sleeves. In a few short steps, she brought her hand out from behind her back and passed Sayeon a familiar rabbit.
This, too, was red.
“Happy birthday, kiddo.” Her sister sat down on the steps behind Sayeon. Sayeon held the rabbit in front of her, staring blankly into its face. She was still crying. “I’m real sorry you couldn't invite your friends.”
Her face said a different story. She was just placating Sayeon’s tears.
“B-but we’ll still have fun, alright? We’ve got reservations at a super nice restaurant. You can have all the BBQ you…” Sayeon's older sister stopped, sweat running down the side of her face. “You aren't going to ask why we can't have people at the house?”
“Nope.” Sayeon turned towards her sister, suddenly crying harder than before. Warm affection flooded her chest. “I trust you.”
Why did Sayeon never mention her sister if they were this close?
“Then why are you crying like that?” Sayeon's sister sighed, shoulders losing their tension. She leaned forward and ruffled Sayeon's hair. “Still, I'm glad to hear that.” She beamed at Sayeon and gestured at herself using her thumb. Sayeon's tears slowed. “You can always trust your big sis, ‘kay?”
“Count on me like you counted on Mom and Dad!”
“When I tell ya something, you don't need to ask questions…”
“Just listen.”
Ryujin’s chest tightened with her own discomfort. Did her sister not want Sayeon thinking for herself? Is that what drove them apart? Were they driven apart?
Is that where Sayeon got her need for control from?
“Samin? What are you doing?” Color returned to the world. The entry room to a house. Sayeon stood behind her sister. (Samin, probably.) Not hiding, this time. Only nervous. But not scared.
They looked years older than they were in the previous memory. There was a man standing across from them.
“Quiet, Sayeon.” For the first time, Samin's tone with her sister was clipped.
“Samin, is it? You must be Sayeon's sister.” The man had a bright but nervous smile on his face. Sweat beaded down his cheek. “Er… Has Sayeon told you about Jugyeong? Her best friend from school?” He gestured to himself with one hand. “I'm Jugyeong’s dad. Sayeon plays at our house all the time.”
His eyes dropped to the floor, a faint crease in his brow. “Er… I guess there's no delicate way to ask this. Where are your parents?”
Samin's face was cold as ice. Ryujin shuddered at the harshness of her gaze. “Sayeon always tells me that they're away on some kinda business trip but…” Sayeon jolted behind her sister, sweat running a thin trail down her face. “She’s been in Jugyeong's class for years and I haven't seen them once.”
He gave Sayeon a thumbs up and comforting smile. A look that said ‘Don’t be scared! Everything’ll be okay!’ It was fatherly. That same, fiery trust Sayeon had towards her sister reared its head for him. The anxiety knotted in her ribs eased.
Clearly, Sayeon cared for him.
“And that gives you the right to barge into our home? I'm 26. I'm perfectly capable of looking after Sayeon."
“You're lying.” His face hardened a hair. “Sayeon told Jugyeong, who then told me… That she has a sister seven years older than her. Sure, you look older than your age, but that means you're barely seventeen.”
Samin pursed her lips. The man’s voice raised ever so slightly. “Have you been raising Sayeon all by yourself? Sayeon stays at our house from morning to dusk, sometimes. I don't mind, of course- she's a great kid- but what I do mind is…”
Staying from morning to dusk? Her sister just allowed that?
Anger tinged his tone. “That no one ever comes to check on her, pick her up, walk her home– no one ever comes to her graduations.” Anger bled back to worry. “The strangest thing is, she seems to think this is normal.”
“As a father- as a damn human being -of course I got worried. So I followed her back here like some common creep.” He placed his hand on his hips and shut his eyes. “I'm not gonna get into the… other things I've noticed. Not in front of Sayeon.”
Christ, this man loves her like a daughter.
“To be frank, you’re lucky I haven't called the cops. I thought I'd talk to you first, face-to-face, like adults.” His eyes opened, locked onto Samin. “Working to support a family at this age? That's commendable, but you're clearly not equipped to raise an 11-year-old. You’ve been letting her stay at my house- some strange man’s house-”
“Some strange man?” Samin cut in. “You're the one who's lying now.” She lifted one arm and scratched the back of her head. Her face was tilted down, one brow raised and her eyes shut. “The real reason you didn't call the cops is because you are a cop.”
“Changseop Baek, a 38-year-old single father of two children- Jugyeong, aged 10 and Changhun, aged 8. Divorced his wife seven years ago due to her marital infidelity.” Mr. Baek's eyes widened, pupils shrinking. “Used to be a heavy drinker, but has sustained ever since gaining custody of his kids. No criminal history to speak of- not even a traffic violation. Works as a police sergeant.”
Samin looked up and opened her eyes. Ryujin froze under the hateful glare Samin locked onto Mr. Baek. “You think I'd let Sayeon set a single toe in your home if I hadn't run a background check on you first? “Some strange man” my ass. You're the most boring milk-toast nobody I've ever looked into.”
Her gaze slid down to Sayeon. It didn't soften, looking at her sister. “Sayeon, go to your room. The adults are gonna have a little chat.”
The borrowed worry in Ryujin's chest flipped to fear. “W-wait! Samin, I… I wanna know too.” Hesitation. “Where is Mom?”
Shock riffled through her. Every hair on her body stood and chills traveled down her spine. A cold sweat ran down her back.
When I tell ya something, you don't need to ask questions… Just listen.
Samin’s face was of pure anger at the disobedience. A face that said a million things.
Why did you have to bring up Mom? Stupid kid. Did you still really think that she's coming back?
“Ahhhh…” Samin twisted away from Sayeon and hunched over, burying her face in her hands. Her voice was strained, like she was forcing back a scream. “Why did this have to happen today of all days? Couldn't it have waited a week, a month, a year?”
The ice in Ryujin's chest thawed slightly. Sayeon's sister had been young, too.
“I was already in a shitty mood, and now this…” Under breath, more an exhale than words. “Goddammit. Goddammit.”
Ryujin watched the younger Sayeon’s face twist. Stolen grief raked through her ribs. Sayeon reached out and placed her hand on her sister's arm, in the crook of her elbow. “Samin…” It was an act of kindness Ryujin didn’t know Sayeon had ever been capable of.
Mr. Baek -Sayeon’s father figure, Ryujin’s mind supplied- knelt down in front of them. “Young lady. I… can't say that I know anything about your situation.” Sayeon looked to him, hand still on her sister's arm. The sorrow in Ryujin's stomach eased. “But I can tell that you and Sayeon need help. There's no shame in that.”
His face was soft, tone comforting. Ryujin could see why Sayeon cared so deeply. “I mean, you said it yourself. I'm a single father. If anyone knows how to take care of their brats, it's me. Seriously. I understand.”
The air in the room shifted. A pressure Ryujin knew well.
An aberrant activating their essence.
Samin looked up, eyes teal. “Do you? Really?” Mr. Baek jumped away from her, before she'd even finished speaking. “Ha. You see that, Sayeon? That's how quickly they’ll turn on you.”
As much of a point Samin had… She was being threatening. Ryujin would have been scared too, facing her.
“This whole time, you were–” His eyes shifted. “Sayeon, come here!” He held out a hand, low for Sayeon to reach. “It's not safe over there, okay? We’re leaving!”
He was human, a police sergeant, even. Of course he was scared. Of course he thought Samin was dangerous.
Terrified as he was, he was prioritizing Sayeon's safety over his own. Staying longer to make sure she was safe.
Bewildered. Off-kilter. Like the whole world shifted to the left. Does Sayeon not understand why he's afraid?
“Don't think about it too hard. People like him will never understand us.” Samin smiled. The same smile their mother had in the first memory. She raised one hand, towards Mr. Baek. “You may not see it now… but you and I, Sayeon…” She positioned her hand to snap her fingers. “Were born special.”
Snap.
Teal light filled her vision.
Fear so potent, tears filled her eyes, but did not leak.
The choking, wheezing, wet gasp of trying to breath through blood.
A liquid, high pressure, splattering the floor.
Metallic scent burned her nose.
Her breathing turned shallow, rapid.
And then, it restarted.
Again, and again, and again.
A vicious, blurry cycle of blood and fear.
What the fuck did her sister do?
When Ryujin's sight cleared, the world was once more devoid of every color but red. Mr. Baek was laying on the ground. His throat was open, bright blood spilling to the carpet. It was the type of scene that made Ryujin feel silly for covering Sayeon's eyes that first day in the warehouse.
Samin was crouched on the other side of his still body. Her eyes were blank. Resolute in her act of violence. Blood on her cheek. “Sayeon? Look down. Look down at what you did.”
Ryujin's own fury ignited. What Sayeon did? Sayeon did jack shit, other than piss you off!
Sayeon's eyes drifted obediently down to Mr. Baek's corpse. This pain made the grief for her mother pale. Something cracked in Ryujin's ribs. Like her sternum had been pulled out of place.
Samin stood, face impassive. She stepped clinically over the body between her and Sayeon. She stopped before her sister and leaned down to be almost at eye level. Ryujin watched, incredulous, as Samin brought one hand up and ruffled Sayeon's hair, in the same she had when giving her the rabbit. “I, personally… have always believed in necessary evils. Just like Mom did.”
That soft, loving smile was once again on her face. She slowly pulled her hand away. “Well? What do you think, Sayeon?” The numbness in Ryujin's chest hit a crescendo. Sayeon's eyes drifted to Mr. Baek. “I only did what I had to. Don't you agree?”
The numb chill faltered. In its place, white hot anger. A rage, so intense Ryujin’s legs threatened to fold under her.
“Unforgivable.” The corners of her eyes burned and she saw tears building in Sayeon's. “You're unforgivable.”
The room faded. The last remnant of Sayeon's falling out with her sister, being the hate that stayed nestled in Ryujin's stomach.
Suddenly, Ryujin found herself in a familiar setting. The warehouse, seconds before Sayeon had saved her life.
Watching herself blow out a puff of smoke was unnerving at best. “You remind me of this idiot I once knew, y’know that? Eh, whatever.”
Something crunched under her foot. “Let's keep going.”
BANG
The phantom feeling of blood on her face. Ryujin watched herself die, blood and brains painted the concrete under her feet.
Every feeling faded to the background.
The dull thud of Ryujin's body hitting the cement.
Cigarette fizzled out on the ground, just beside Ryujin's curled fingers.
“Eh?” Sayeon’s voice as she knew it came out smaller than she'd ever heard.
I don’t fucking remember this.
Ryujin looked down at her own corpse. A neat, small hole in the center of her forehead. Blood spilling down her face and pooling under her head. Eyes wide and blank.
The click of a gun drew her attention back to Sayeon. The voice of the man Sayeon had bricked over the head came out clear and cold. “You activate your gift, I shoot” The gun was inches away from the back of Sayeon's head. “You saw what happened to your friend. Not even aberrants can survive a bullet to the head. Who told you about this place? What were you two doing here?”
Sayeon's eyes were wide. In spite of the gun to her head, Ryujin’s chest wasn't tight with Sayeon's fear. Guilt and something darker dragged at her. Pulling her into irreversible thoughts.
How long had she felt like this before that night?
“Speak up, crow.” Bile burned at the back of Ryujin's throat. That dark, oppressive feeling made her head light. It was hard to hear over the sound of her heart pounding in her ears.
The man slammed the gun to the back of Sayeon's head. “YOU THINK I’M FUCKING AROUND? WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU ANSWERING?” The confidence in his voice wavered. “Turn around. Slowly.” Ryujin watched the sweat run down his face, soaking into his mask.
Sayeon turned her head and teal exploded through the room. That numb, fuzzy static returned. Air displaced, shoved out, away from Sayeon, blowing her hair wild. Her eyes flared, bright enough to blind.
The world threw itself in reverse. Everything spun so fast, Ryujin swayed on her feet.
“Worried you’d do something fucking stupid!” Her own voice, moments before her death. A reeling, tsunami of befuddlement turned the world on its head.
“You remind me of this idiot I once knew.” A puff of smoke.” Now, the raw, unfiltered terror hit. “Eh, whatever.”
Something so protective crashed through her ribs, nearly buckling her legs. “Let's keep going.”
Sayeon tackled her, bullet flying just over their heads.
The alleyway, after they’d ran from the warehouse.
Cough.
Ryujin saw herself hunched over, blood spilling past her fingers.
Terror.
The gym. “Order Min to cut off someone's hand?”
Her arm, burned. The sole object of Sayeon's attention.
Guilt.
Seconds before Sayeon took her hat. Blood was spilling down her face, from a hole in the middle of her head.
A blink, and it was gone.
Worry.
Sayeon standing in front of a vaguely familiar door, outside an apartment. Jaeil Kim’s home. There was a bottle of soju in her hand. She was wearing her uniform.
Sayeon brought one hand up and knocked three sharp taps on the door. “Hello?”
The door burst open, an older man, presumably Mr. Kim on the other side. His eyes lit up at the sight of Sayeon. “Sayeon! You’re back from the Corps!”
“M-Mr. Kim?” Surprise.
“Is Jaeil with you?” Mr. Kim looked around. “Of course not… Agh. He’s still upset at his old man? Still, he should come see me himself…”
Shock.
“Jaeil? Sir… Why would Jaeil be with me?” A disbelieving smile on Sayeon's face. An expression Ryujin had never seen on her before.
Mr. Kim froze, eyes wide. “You're both training at the Aberrant Corps, aren't you? That brat Jaeil didn't even tell me he got conscripted– just up and left without coming to see me.” Confusion and fear rippled through Ryujin. “He hasn't spoken to me since before the aberrancy test..”
Dammit! He really is dead then.
“It was a shock to find out. His maternal grandpa was an Aberrant, y’know, but since neither me nor his mom are, I thought-”
“Mr. Kim. You haven't seen Jaeil since before the test? Then who told you that he joined the Aberrant Corps?” A creeping, dark suspicion.
Mr. Kim stared at her. “... An officer they sent from the Corps. Came to my door herself.” The next sentence was damning. “She was some woman with white hair?”
Ryujin had known. Foolishly, though, she’d hoped he was alive. Just to hear about Sayeon from the eyes of someone who had loved her.
Dread.
“Sayeon? You're starting to worry me. No, no. Don't tell me…” There was horror starting to color Mr. Kim's voice. “Did something happen to Jaeil?”
Ryujin saw the moment Sayeon started hyperventilating. She collapsed in on herself. Activated her essence.
The world spun.
Sayeon stood before the unopened door. She walked away. Walked to a bridge, overlooking a road.
A desperate, desperate hope. An attempt at rationality.
Doubt.
Every explanation had a refute.
The bottle shattered in Sayeon's hand.
Hate.
More intense than the burn Sayeon felt towards her sister. That had been a torch. Bright, dangerous. But controllable.
This was a forest fire. It spiraled and scorched every other feeling, charing them beyond recognition.
Juni on the bridge, strangling Ryujin and forcing Sayeon to watch. It was sickeningly familiar.
Guilt. Worthless.
“When a member of the team fails, it’s their team that suffers the consequences.” Ryujin heard herself struggle for air and felt Sayeon's heart break. “One of the first things they tell you at the Aberrant Corps, did you forget? You chose this, Sayeon.”
Look down at what you did.
The Corps bathroom. Instructor Sang sat on the floor, just outside that shower stall. She was silent.
Ryujin couldn't bring herself to look in. Shallow, rapid breathing started to slow. As the edges of her vision turned black, Ryujin felt a twist of relief.
Ryujin jerked, flinging herself out of Sayeon's bed. She hit the floor with a thud, Mr. Kiki landed beside her. She fought back the bile rising in her throat and felt tears slide down her cheeks.
She shoved herself to her hands and knees, gagging around the crushing guilt that colored the world.
I couldn't have saved her. I could never have saved her.