Chapter Text
I hate Sundays, Katherine thought.
Ron hadn’t fought her on full custody- not that she thought he would- but they’d made an agreement that he’d call the kids every Sunday at three o’clock. So far…it had been hit or miss. Sometimes he called half an hour late, or an hour. Sometimes he chatted for a while, sometimes it was a quick conversation. Ben usually didn’t talk much, but Esther prattled a mile a minute, trying to tell her dad everything that was going on.
This, however, was the first time he’d ever completely missed a call.
It was after seven now. Her phone had been sitting on the kitchen counter for hours, plugged into the charger with the ringer turned up on full volume. Esther checked periodically, tapping at the screen to make sure she hadn’t missed anything. No such luck.
“Hey, how about I make something fun for dinner, huh?” Nathan said. “Grilled cheese and tomato soup? Homemade burgers? Pancakes?”
Katherine glanced from one moping kid to the other. “We could order pizza if you want,” she suggested.
Esther just shrugged, slumped down against the arm of the couch. “Pancakes could be fun,” Ben said. “Right, Esther? Night breakfast?”
“Yeah, whatever,” she mumbled.
Katherine picked up her phone and stepped out of the living room before hitting Ron’s number. It rang a few times, went to voicemail. Tried again, still voicemail. The third time she gritted her teeth and waited for the beep.
“Hi, Ron, it’s Katherine,” she said in a low voice. “I don’t know if you remembered, you probably didn’t, but it’s Sunday and it’s well past three, so you forgot to call your kids. You know, Ben and Esther? Your children?” She bit back a frustrated huff. “They’ve been waiting for you to call all day, so if you could call back that would be great. Thanks. Bye.”
She gripped her phone a little too tightly as she walked back to the living room. Nathan was still trying to get the kids distracted, to no avail. Goddammit, Ron, she thought.
“Hey,” she said instead. “How about you guys skip school and come to work with me tomorrow?”
Ben raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Why not?” she said. “It’s going to be a visitor day at the hospital anyway, nothing’s really going to be on the normal schedule. You can hang out with me and Uncle Nathan.”
“Can we explore the hospital?” Esther asked, finally brightening up for the first time all afternoon. “Like the old haunted parts?”
“There’s no way the hospital’s haunted, Esther,” Ben said. “I don’t think ghosts actually exist.”
“Oh, no, ghosts definitely exist, I’m sure of it,” Nathan said cheerfully. He clapped his hands. “So did we decide on pancakes? I’ll get it started!”
The kids seemed to cheer up after that, but Katherine kept her phone close by, just in case. But they finished dinner, and washed dishes, and she sent the kids to get ready for bed, and still nothing.
She didn’t see the text until the next morning as she fumbled to turn off her alarm.
Hey Kath totally forgot tell the kids im sorry ill call next wk promise
Katherine rolled her eyes. If he missed this week, the odds of him keeping his commitment were slim to none.
At least the prospect of playing hooky had Ben and Esther properly distracted; Nathan let them pick the music on the drive and they chatted the whole way there. Katherine sat in silence, letting her brother and the kids carry the conversation. She had too many thoughts running laps around her brain and she needed them to be in order before she got to work.
“All right, you guys go hang out with Uncle Nathan for right now, I’ve got to do observations,” Katherine said as she pulled into a parking space. “Text me if you need anything, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll be fine,” Esther said, shading her eyes as she eyed the building critically.
“Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll make sure she doesn’t wander too far,” Ben said.
“Oh, god, please do.”
She took a moment to grab her laptop before going back to the rec room for observations. Having friends and family visit was a good opportunity to see how her patients functioned outside of the heavily structured routines of the hospital, maybe it might help with some breakthroughs.
Katherine settled down in a corner of the room and opened up her email, her latest paperwork, and a new document for notes. The rec room was noisier than usual, filled with enthusiastic conversation as the patients caught up with their friends and family. She took a few notes in between responding to her emails as she observed.
Sam was chatting happily with his stepmother and stepbrother; they both seemed thrilled to see him but his father was quieter, smiling even though it didn’t quite meet his sad eyes. Ari sat with his twin sister, their younger brother snuggled on his lap as they caught up. Lily was holding hands with her boyfriend who smiled at her like she hung the moon; his parents and sister sat with them but it was interesting to note that her own parents weren’t there.
Katherine paused, scanning the room. She could see all of her other patients, all of them with their friends or their family, except for…
She spotted Abaddon hiding under a table in the far corner. He crouched down, his knobby knees pulled into his chest, scratching at his arms. Even at a distance she could see that his skin was striped in pink and red. He was staring into the room, his eyes glazed over, as if he wasn’t actually seeing anything- certainly not all of the other kids with their mothers and fathers and siblings.
Katherine hesitated, then fired off a quick text to Nathan and closed her laptop before walking across the room. She crouched down beside the table. “Hey, Abaddon,” she said. “How’re you doing, kiddo?”
He didn’t respond, still absently digging his bitten-off nails into the soft skin of his thin arms. “You’re a little stressed out, huh,” she said, gently prying his hand away.
Abaddon started, blinking in confusion. “What are you doing to me?” he said.
“Remember what we talked about, about hurting yourself?” Katherine said. “There’s other ways you can handle stress.”
“I am not stressed,” he said, yanking his hand away from her.
She didn’t press further. “So I know things are weird today because everything’s off schedule for visiting hours,” she said. “Is anyone-”
She stopped herself midsentence. Of course no one would come to visit Abaddon.
“My kids came to work with me today,” she said instead. “You remember my daughter Esther, right? How would you feel about her coming to hang out with you today?”
The first flicker of interest showed in his big blue eyes. “Perhaps,” he said.
“I think she had fun with you the other day,” Katherine said.
Abaddon chewed on his thumbnail. “Her company was not objectionable.”
Katherine held out her hand. “How about you come out from under the table?” she asked.
He didn’t take her hand, but he did crawl out from his hiding place, his tangled hair hanging over his eyes. “Katherine, do you think-”
Before he could finish his question Esther bounded over to them and Abaddon sat back on his haunches. “Hey, Mom!” she said cheerfully. “Uncle Nathan said you needed me up here?”
“Yeah, I was wondering if you would have more fun hanging out with Abaddon,” Katherine said.
Esther’s eyes lit up. “Yeah!” she said. “Hey, Abaddon. What’s up?”
He arched an eyebrow. “The ceiling?”
“You’re a riot. C’mon,” Esther said, grabbing his hand and hauling him to his feet. “You guys have Mario Kart, right?”
“What- oh!”
Esther had already dragged him towards the TV. Katherine bit back a smile. Her daughter was the poster child of an extrovert; even with her eccentricities she could win over nearly everyone she met. She sat back down at her laptop and went back to her observations and emails.
It was clear Abaddon had no idea how to interact with another kid. She had picked up on that from the beginning, but some of that could be written off with the other patients being so much older than him, and dealing with their own issues. But Esther was a fairly typical kid and only a few years older than Abaddon, and he seemed to not know how to function.
He doesn’t know how to play, she realized. That made sense now that she thought about it. His chances of getting to play with other kids in the Hand of God cult would be few and far between, if he got any opportunities at all. But at least Esther was patient with him, guiding him on how to hold the game controller and operate his onscreen car.
Nina sat down next her. “How’s observations going?” she asked.
“Enlightening, I think,” Katherine said. “Definitely helps to connect some dots.”
“Who’s the girl playing with Abaddon?”
“My daughter, Esther,” Katherine said. “The kids had a little bit of a rough day yesterday and I thought it might be okay for them to spend the day with me. But…honestly, it might be a better idea for her to spend time with Abaddon?”
“I’ve never seen him play with any of the other kids,” Nina said. “Or attempt to play video games. Esther might be a miracle worker.”
“Do you know much about his life before here? In the cult?”
Nina shook her head. “No one has been able to get much out of him, not for lack of trying,” she said.
“My brother…” Katherine trailed off, maybe it wouldn’t be the greatest idea to tell someone about Nathan’s penchant for getting swept up in cults. “My brother has a special interest in cults, he’s looking into it for me. Just to see what he can find.”
“That might be a good idea,” Nina said. “Oh! I heard you got the allergist appointment approved for him too.”
“Yeah, I’m taking him for testing next week.”
Nina shook her head. “I can’t believe no one thought he might have allergies,” she said. “All this time we just figured he was a picky eater or it was anxiety-induced nausea. It could change a lot if it’s allergies and he’s properly medicated.”
“Hopefully something can help him,” Katherine said. She rested her chin in her hand and watched the kids play the game from across the room. “I’m still trying to get him approved for occupational therapy. Look at him, he can barely hold the controller much less use it. He’s just smashing at the buttons.”
“Good luck with that,” Nina sighed. “There’s so much red tape in trying to get the kids to see specialists. I can’t believe that you got the allergist approved so fast.”
“Well, Nathan helped with that, he’s a dietician and he pulled some strings.”
“Fingers crossed everything works out,” Nina said. “Abaddon is so feral already, I can’t imagine that taking him to a doctor is going to go well. Good luck with that, you’ll need it.”
Katherine watched Abaddon and Esther. The two of them seemed to be getting along nicely, although Abaddon still didn’t seem to understand how the video game worked. It had been a while since she’d seen her daughter laugh that much, and selfishly that made everything worth it for her.
“He’s a good kid,” Katherine said quietly. “He just hasn’t been able to catch a break.”
Nina smiled. “Well, maybe you can help him get one.”
Abaddon curled his toes in his shoes. The cheap new sneakers were a little too tight, the rubber soles too stiff. He wasn’t used to shoes. The past two years he’d only been wearing his soft grippy socks, and before that, when he still lived on the farm, he’d almost always been barefoot, shoes were saved for church services and wintertime. Well, at least until Father James decided he wasn’t allowed out of the house anymore.
“Okay, I think we’re ready to go,” Katherine said. She checked her phone. “I think Nathan is already at the car. Here, put your jacket on, it’s going to be chilly.”
She handed him a soft hoodie and he struggled to push his arms through the sleeves. Most of the time he only wore his hospital-issue scrubs; one of the nurses had brought him a tee shirt and joggers to wear for his outing. It felt strange. Not bad, just…strange.
Katherine guided his arms through the sleeves and zipped it up for him. “Thank you,” he said, fidgeting with the zipper pull.
“Come on, we should get going now so you’re not late,” she said.
Abaddon hesitated at the threshold. In the past two or so years he’d only left the Undervale a few times. Before that he’d never left the Ward’s Hill compound. The world outside was new and broad and terrifying.
Katherine saw his hesitation and her eyes softened. “It’s okay,” she said, holding out her hand. “I’ll be with you the whole time, all right?”
After a long moment he slipped his hand into hers and allowed her to lead him towards the parking lot, his stiff sneakers making his gait unsteady.
A man in a blue sweater stood next to a small van, beaming at them as they approached. “Right on time, Kath,” he said. “Oh, so this is Abaddon, huh? How’s it going, bud?”
Abaddon scrunched up his face. “He shall stretch out upon it the line of confusion and the stone of emptiness,” he said. The man blinked.
“He uses Bible verses as a coping mechanism,” Katherine sighed. “Abaddon, this is my brother Nathan. He’s a dietician at the Undervale, he wanted to sit in on your testing.”
“I haven’t had a patient with a bunch of food allergies before, so if you have them I want to figure out how to make it work!” Nathan said cheerfully.
Abaddon chewed on his thumbnail. He still wasn’t entirely sure what an allergy was, or how it involved food, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’d gone through some kind of testing. He just stared at Nathan until the man cleared his throat uncomfortably.
Katherine opened the back door of the car. “All right, kiddo, get in.”
He balked. “What’s that thing?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s a booster seat, bud,” Nathan said. “You’re awfully small for your age so that’ll keep you safe. Come on, hop on up.”
“I do not hop,” he said. “I don’t like this.”
“Well, you’re too little to ride in a car without one, and we need to leave, so…let’s go,” Katherine said. She tucked her hands under his arms and hoisted him into the booster seat as he shrieked in protest. Despite his attempts to squirm away she managed to wrestle him down and buckle him in.
“Unhand me!” he demanded.
“No. Sit still.”
Abaddon plucked at the seatbelt, trying to figure out what exactly was keeping him in place. Katherine rolled her eyes. “Abaddon, if you try to unbuckle yourself, we will just pull over and buckle you right back in. I’ll sit in the back with you if I have to.”
He huffed in protest and slunk down in the offending booster seat, his arms crossed over his chest. The adults talked quietly in the front seat, but Nathan fiddled with the radio knobs until music started playing. That was…surprisingly pleasant. Usually whatever music he listened to in the hospital was whatever the older kids wanted to play in the common room, no one ever asked for his opinion.
The hospital in town was the tallest building he’d ever been in, a flat walled concrete structure. His stomach turned as Katherine helped him down from the booster seat. It had been a while since he’d been in the big hospital. As they passed through the sliding glass doors he had the sudden nauseating memory of being brought into the hospital after he’d been taken from the compound- strapped down on the gurney, people moving too fast and shouting too loud, staring up at the bright white lights.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Katherine said, reaching for his hand again. “They’re just going to give you a little test and then we’ll head right back. It’ll be fine.”
Nothing felt fine.
He found himself gripping Katherine’s hand tight as they navigated the halls and stairs and elevators. When they found the right office Katherine sent him to sit with Nathan while she signed him in.
“I like your shoes, buddy,” Nathan said. “Is red your favorite color?”
Abaddon looked down at the sneakers. “I don’t have a favorite color,” he said.
“Oh,” Nathan said. He opened his mouth again like he wanted to say something else, then closed it.
Thankfully they called him back quickly, and both Katherine and Nathan came with him. “All right, sweetie, we’re going to get your vitals first, okay?” the nurse said. Her scrub top was covered in little cartoon dogs and it annoyed him immediately. “Let’s take off your shoes and I’ll get your height and weight.”
He sighed heavily and obeyed, kicking his sneakers off and leaving them on the floor. The nurse hummed in disapproval when he stepped on the scale. “He’s underweight, isn’t he?” Katherine said.
“Mm-hm, by quite a bit,” the nurse said. “Dangerously underweight for his age.” She glanced at his file. “He’s the little one from…from the-”
“The Undervale? Yes,” Katherine said. “We’re hoping we can get some answers about if he’s got food allergies, that might help with the weight gain. Can we continue, please?”
The nurse didn’t push further; once she took the rest of his vitals he was ushered into a small room. “All right, so today is the first phase of testing,” the nurse said, a little too cheerfully. “We’ll be doing the test on his back, so go ahead and get him changed and lying down. I’ll be back in a few minutes, feel free to holler if you need anything.”
The nurse smiled again, too friendly to be reassuring and left the room. Katherine picked the paper gown from the examination table. “All right, Abaddon, let’s get this going,” she said.
He fumbled with the zipper of his hoodie, then looked up at her. “I…I can’t get it,” he said in a small voice.
“Do you want me to help you?” she asked gently. He nodded. “Okay, sweetheart. Come here.”
He stood very still, allowing her to unzip the hoodie and slide it off his arms, then gently pry his tee shirt off of him. “All right, there we go,” she started to say, and then she froze, her eyes widening.
Abaddon blinked up at her, then looked down at his chest. “Oh,” he said. “Yes. That.”
Katherine knelt down in front of him, holding his arms gently at his sides to get a better look. “How did you get that?” she asked.
“Father James.”
She stared at the scar in horror. The arms of the cross stretched across his sternum; the center bar ran almost down to his navel. “It looks better now than it used to,” he offered. And that was true, but it still looked bad, the skin white and puffy, the edges a deep raw pink as if it was still infected.
"He did this to you?" she asked.
Abaddon traced the line of the cross. "He wished to bind me," he said. "He thought that if he could bind the demon inside my human form, he could control it."
“Honey, that’s a burn mark,” Katherine said. “That’s…that’s a brand.”
He pressed his hand over his heart. “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me,” he said. “My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all, and no man is able to pluck them out of my father’s hand.”
“Okay,” she said softly. “Okay, sweetheart. We don’t have to talk about it.”
She helped him into the paper gown, then lifted him up onto the examination table. “You’re doing great, buddy,” Nathan said, giving him a thumb’s up. He didn’t feel like he was doing great. He felt like he was going to be sick.
The nurse came back with a doctor in tow; they chatted with Katherine and Nathan before making him lie down on his stomach. He gripped the edge of the table. “What are you doing to me?” he demanded.
“It’s gonna be fine,” Nathan said. “See, they’re going to mark your back and prick your skin with a little bit of an allergen. If it swells up, you’re allergic, and if it doesn’t, then you’re fine! It might explain why you, uh…why you throw up so much, and why you don’t like eating.”
The nurse opened up the back of the paper gown; the air conditioning in the place was way too cold and he felt like he was going to freeze. “He’s got such long hair,” she said. “Can you tie it back or something, just so it’s not in the way?”
“Oh, sure,” Katherine said, fishing a hair tie out of her pocket.
Abaddon pushed himself up on his elbows. “I don’t want that!” he said.
“I promise it won’t hurt,” Katherine said. “Trust me, I’m the only person Esther used to let do her hair, and she’s super tender headed. I’ll be gentle.”
“Well, she lets Ben braid her hair,” Nathan pointed out.
“Okay, then, me and Ben are the only ones allowed to touch Esther’s hair. Here, Abaddon, sit up.”
He pushed himself to sit up, the paper gown crinkling around him. Katherine smoothed his long untidy hair away from his face, then gathered it up and tied it back in a loose knot at the crown of his head. Her touch was surprisingly light and gentle. “That’s it?” he said.
“Yeah, that’s it, you’re all set,” Katherine said. “Just stay still while they work on your back, all right? They’ll go as quick as they can.”
He tried, he really did. He laid back down on his stomach, holding his breath as the doctor swabbed his back with freezing cold alcohol wipes and then marked numbers onto his skin. “Okay, first one,” she said, and he gritted his teeth at the first needle prick.
“That stings,” he said.
“I know, I know, you’re being so brave,” she said, already preparing the next one.
Nathan stood up, fumbling with his phone. “Hey, I know what’ll help, a distraction,” he said. “Kath, what was that movie Esther liked so much when she was little?”
“Coraline? Oh, god, don’t show him Coraline, it gave Ben nightmares. Try something else.”
Nathan dragged his chair over to the examination table, then held up the phone so Abaddon could see the screen. “Here, see if this helps,” he said.
Abaddon rested his chin on his folded arms. He wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, and he was still hyperaware of every needle stick, but it was…nice. People usually weren’t this nice to him.
After a while he started to squirm. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” he said. “It burns. It itches.”
“It’s the reactions,” the doctor said. “Ooh, look at those wheals. I have a feeling there’s going to be a lot of positives.”
“I want it to stop,” Abaddon whined, digging his fingernails into his arms.
“They’re almost done, Abaddon, take a deep breath,” Katherine said. “Remember when we practiced those breathing exercises? Let’s try those, okay?”
He didn’t want to do any breathing exercises, he wanted this to stop, he wanted to get down from the table, he wanted his skin to stop burning. “Let me go,” he said.
“You’re doing really well, buddy, almost done,” Nathan said.
He whined through his teeth, pushing back against the table. “Last one, last one,” the nurse said quickly. “There we go! All done, honey.”
“I can leave?”
“Not yet,” the nurse said as she stripped off her gloves. She turned to Katherine. “We’ll need to keep him here for another thirty minutes and then the doctor will come back and measure the reactions.”
Abaddon pressed his palms against the table, his chest heaving. “The merciful man doeth good to his own soul, but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh,” he said. “The wicked worketh a deceitful work, but to him that soweth righteousness shall be a sure reward.”
“Hey, hey, so we’re not going to do the Bible verse thing right now,” Katherine said. She got up and stood beside him, resting her hand gingerly on the back of his head. “Right now I just want you to lie down and breathe. Can you do that?”
He shook his head. Demons didn’t need to breathe, only his weak human vessel that was currently on fire.
“Kath, isn’t there anything we can do for him?” Nathan asked quietly.
“I don’t think so,” she said. “I think all we can do is wait it out.” She scratched lightly at his scalp; the feeling was unexpectedly soothing. “It’ll be over soon, Abaddon. You’ll be all right.”
He still didn’t feel all right, but Katherine’s hand on his hair was so gentle that he found some of the tension draining out of his spine. Nathan turned the movie on his phone back on, and he did his best to breathe like Katherine had asked him to. In for eight, hold for eight, out for eight.
Maybe it helped a little.
The doctor came back after the thirty minutes and poked and prodded at his back, talking over him and only addressing Katherine and Nathan. Most of their conversation didn’t seem to make sense, going in one ear and out the other. He tried to focus on Katherine’s hand still resting on his hair, idly toying with the tangles.
Eventually the doctor left after making him swallow a pink pill and Katherine let out a sigh. “Now we’re done,” she said. “You did great, Abaddon.”
“What’s wrong with my body?” he asked.
“It looks like you’ve got…well, a lot of allergies,” Nathan said, wincing as he looked at his exposed back.
“They’re going to have you come back in a few days to do a little more testing, but we can take you back to the Undervale now,” Katherine said. She helped him sit up, then handed him his shirt. “You’ll better when you’ve had some time to rest.”
He struggled to pull the shirt over his arms but he yelped when the fabric brushed against his back. “It hurts!” he yelped.
“I know, sweetheart, I know,” Katherine said.
“I don’t want it to hurt.”
“I know, you’ll feel better soon.”
“Maybe we could stop and get some ice cream on the way back,” Nathan suggested. He paused. “Something that he’s probably not allergic to.”
“We’ll see,” Katherine said. She eased his hoodie onto him, then helped him down from the examination table. His feet ached in the too-tight sneakers. “Let’s get out of here first.”
The walk out of the hospital was a blur. Climbing into the car was too much; he tried to do it himself and couldn’t manage it. This time when Katherine picked him up and put him in the car seat he didn’t fight it.
“My skin is burning,” he said as he looked up at her.
Katherine buckled him in carefully. “We’ll get you some Benadryl and you can take a nap, how does that sound?” she said.
He wasn’t sure how that sounded, he almost never slept. Sleep probably wouldn’t do anything.
They stopped at a gas station on the way back and Nathan got him a bright blue drink that he said would help him stay hydrated, but he didn’t have any interest in drinking it. His shoes pinched and the tag on his shirt brushed against the back of his neck and his back was still on fire.
Katherine carried him from the car back into the Undervale; he was barely aware of his surroundings. He rested his cheek on her shoulder instead and closed his eyes.
“How’s he doing?”
“Tired himself out, I think. The doctor said he could have Benadryl every four to six hours, he’s probably going to have the reactions for a while.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so still and quiet.”
“Oh, yeah, they gave him a dose before we left.”
“Are you going to stay with him?”
“I wish I could, but I have patients scheduled all afternoon. If I’d known he was going to be this wiped out I probably would have rescheduled, but it’s too late for that.”
He didn’t realize he was being handed over to an orderly until it was too late. “Wait, wait, Katherine, wait,” he tried to mumble, but his words weren’t clear enough and she left him there with a last gentle squeeze of his arm.
“You’re tired out, aren’t you, little guy?” the orderly said. “Come on.”
He tried to wrench out of the orderly’s grip, but in short order he found himself back in his room and stripped out of the tight shoes and the itchy clothing, then changed back to his socks and scrubs. The familiarity was reassuring.
“Jesus, your hair is a mess. Here, let me brush that out.”
Abaddon rubbed his eyes. “No, don’t touch me,” he said, but the orderly was already pulling at the hairtie. “No! Don’t touch me, don’t touch me!”
He lunged at the orderly, jaws snapping, and he jumped back. “All right, all right, I won’t touch you,” he said. “Jesus Christ. What a menace.”
The orderly stomped out of the room and closed the door. Abaddon swayed on his feet, his small hands shaking. His panic was already subsiding, ebbing away in favor of the overwhelming exhaustion that threatened to pull him down.
He crawled into his bed, pulling limply at the starched sheets, and collapsed against the thin pillows. The room spun in lazy circles around him, and when he closed his eyes it kept rotating.
Without thinking he rested his hand gingerly on the top of his head, the way Katherine had done earlier. The soft pressure wasn’t the same, but it was there, and he dropped into a thick dreamless sleep.