Chapter Text
Spencer dumped the remaining water he had over his head and threw the plastic bottle to the side. It wasn't much, but it was enough to help him feel at least a little invigorated. He straightened up as much as he could on his drum stool and waited.
The end of the Selfish Guarantees Mini Tour was already here.
The last five days and nights were a muddled mess of memories in Spencer's mind. Days were spent driving toward their next gig and trying to find a truck stop to freshen up at. Nights were spent setting up equipment, playing to at least a somewhat invested crowd, tearing down, and then finding somewhere to fall asleep, only to repeat it all the next day.
He knew that all of them were deeply tired. They were exhausted and in pain, but all of them were somehow able to shove it aside and play like their lives depended on it.
And that was why Spencer loved his friends and this band so much.
It also gave Spencer a more personalized, up-close view of Shayne, and he was still on the fence about whether that was a good thing or a bad thing for him. Now, Spencer's guard dropped considerably whenever he was with Shayne. The apathy was non-existent. And even when they were worn and weary, they were still able to make each other laugh.
That feeling had returned—the one he'd had the night they played Shake Me Down for the first time. (Which they managed to play at two more shows, to Shayne's delight.) There was hope and happiness in Spencer, but all of it was built on a foundation of terror.
What if it all fell apart like it always did?
Spencer heard Damien's voice and knew it was time to lock in one last time. He ran a hand through his hair, shook his head, and waited for the cue to go. Shayne turned toward him and their eyes met briefly. Shayne smiled and Spencer returned it without a second thought.
They were finishing the tour with Come a Little Closer, which wasn't a song they typically saved for the end of the show. Tommy gave the okay to play it last, since he'd written it and all, but only because Shayne had been able to get some audience participation out of it in the last couple of nights. They all wanted to end on that potential high.
Spencer counted them in and immediately everyone took off. That was the kind of song this was. Tommy didn't bother with slowly building sound—he threw it in your face right from the start. It was very bass-forward, which made sense, and it took control and drove them into the first verse.
Tommy and Damien both sang vocals, managing to sound like another distinct voice, separate from themselves. The lyrics themselves felt like they were from a dream, and all of them were just following the dream's path to see where it led.
Shayne played the repeated riff with ease while Spencer maintained a fast but controlled beat. That all changed when they shifted to the chorus and Spencer powered through the first of many drum fills.
Come a little closer, then you'll see.
Things aren't always what they seem to be.
The chorus grabbed your attention by being both louder and slower, a brief interlude whose only goal was to question reality again and again. Spencer drummed along with the slower beat, listening to Tommy and Damien belt the words while Shayne strummed and spun around.
Another verse, and the falsetto Tommy and Damien hit here never got old because it wasn't something Damien would typically try. Tommy had convinced him, but only if they did it together.
Do you understand the things that you've been seeing?
Do you understand the things that you've been dreaming?
The chorus put the brakes on the beat yet again. They played through it the same as before, but it trailed off into an even slower interlude. They all continued playing very slow, plodding beats, while Tommy sang the next few lines on his own.
Spencer imagined all eyes were on Tommy, and he could see that Damien's eyes definitely were. But Tommy was building to something, and it was time for Shayne to work his magic. Spencer would be busy beating the absolute hell out of his drums.
Time flies by, they all sang along.
As Damien and Tommy sang the line, Shayne jumped into action by gesturing to the audience that it would repeat and mouthed the lyrics back to them. It always took at least one try to get people to understand, but Spencer heard the voices rising as he played the staccato beat louder and louder.
Time flies by, by.
This final buildup pulled them toward the ending as Tommy and Damien echoed the song's name again and again. And Spencer gave it his all—whatever was left inside to give.
Come a little closer, then you'll see.
~
One last time, they broke down the equipment and loaded it into the van. When the deed was done, everyone stood looking at each other, speechless from a mix of feeling ready to drop at any second and euphoria from the crazy thing they set out to do being finished.
Selfish Guarantees had successfully gotten through a tour, albeit small. It still counted.
Finally, Tommy broke the silence. "Well. We survived."
Damien rubbed his face with his hands. "I feel like, as de facto band leader, I should have a speech prepared. But I don't, so I think I might have a drink instead."
"Oh my God, are we gonna get fucked up?" Tommy gasped in excitement.
"A drink. One drink, Thomas. Maybe two if you're lucky."
Shayne nodded. "That sounds fun, Dames. Nothing too crazy." He looked over at Spencer.
"How about it? You in, Spence?"
"Would you believe it's the one vice I don't partake in?" Spencer shrugged, giving Shayne an apologetic smile.
Spencer might have imagined it, but he thought he saw a flicker of disappointment cross Shayne's face.
"You guys go have fun. I'll be the responsible one and chain smoke out here."
Tommy linked his arm through Damien's and started walking away, pulling Damien along with him. "Whatever you say, Spence. Please don't get abducted, I would be very sad."
"Yeah, sure," Spencer yelled back. He looked at Shayne, who hadn't started walking away yet.
"I can stay if you want me to," Shayne said.
Spencer wanted him to.
"No, dude. Go have fun. I promise I'm fine."
Shayne nodded. "Okay. If you change your mind, you know where we'll be." He turned and walked in the direction that Tommy and Damien had gone, presumably to the bar before it was last call.
Spencer got his cigarettes and lighter from the van and shrugged on his jacket. Normally he'd wander further from the van to smoke, but tonight he just didn't have the strength. He walked a few paces away, sat down on the curb, and lit the first of what would probably be at least a few cigarettes.
He knew that now was probably not the best time to dwell on it, but still he found himself thinking about Shayne and how he felt about him. In the months since Shayne had joined the band, their relationship had evolved into something Spencer never would have expected.
At first, he'd seen Shayne as a symbol of his life falling apart yet again. Except, that wasn't what Shayne was at all. He had become an essential part of Selfish Guarantees. As weird as it sounded, it felt like he had always been there, like the universe had already known the fate that lay in wait for them down the road.
And Shayne had become his friend—that made him happy too. But deep down, Spencer had to admit that he wanted Shayne to be much more than that. He had toyed with the idea of it, pushing boundaries just to see how Shayne would react. And after all of the shit that Spencer had put him through, Shayne hadn't walked away.
But what if he did?
This was the problem. Spencer felt so close to breaking through whatever had been holding him back all these years, but that question still remained. The foundation of terror remained.
Everybody abandoned him in the end. Some just faster than others.
And where did that leave Spencer?
Pining fruitlessly until it all fell apart.
"SpenceSpenceSpenceSpence—"
Spencer had burned through three cigarettes and was lighting up another when he heard somebody calling his name in quick succession and moving toward him just as fast. Shayne rounded the corner of the van and spotted him. He beamed, and it still lit up his face despite his now-ruddy complexion. Half-jogging to where Spencer sat, he practically collapsed on the ground next to him, colliding into Spencer's side.
Spencer took a deep breath and looked at him.
"How's it going?"
Shayne was still grinning like mad. "Good."
"How much have you had?"
Shayne looked up like that would help him recall the memory, his body leaning against Spencer in a very distracting way. "Like one drink. Two shots. I don't know. I'm fine though."
Spencer laughed. "Are you?"
"Yep." Shayne nodded.
"Why are you out here then?"
"Well." Shayne shrugged. "Because I didn't want to miss our thing. The thing we do after shows. Or before practice. Or whenever."
Spencer hummed quietly. "You're not tired of me yet?"
Somehow, Shayne's face got even redder, and his smile softened. "Nope."
"You will be someday," Spencer muttered.
"Hmm?"
"Nothing."
Shayne frowned. Then Spencer watched his eyes hone in on the cigarette hanging from his mouth.
"Can I?"
Spencer raised his eyebrows. "Can you what? Smoke?"
"Yeah." Shayne nodded like it was the most normal thing he'd ever asked.
"In the entire time I've known you, you have never once asked me that."
"Are you gonna let me have a drag or not?" Shayne's voice was low and even, and the way he looked at Spencer now made him feel like Shayne could see right through him.
Spencer started reaching for his pack of cigarettes. "Mine, or a new one?"
"Yours."
Spencer couldn't breathe, and not because of the smoke held in his lungs. He let the smoke listlessly leave his mouth and held his cigarette out to Shayne without saying another word, because he couldn't trust himself to speak right now. Shayne took it from him, and that small moment of contact, along with Shayne sitting pressed against him shoulder to thigh, was enough to send a current of electricity through his veins.
Shayne brought the cigarette to his mouth like he'd done it a thousand times before and inhaled. He stared at Spencer, the look in his eyes and the curve of his lips daring Spencer to keep his focus entirely on him. Spencer couldn't look away even if he wanted to.
Shayne pursed his lips, delicately expelling a thin stream of smoke, and handed back the cigarette, nearly halfway to the filter now. "Thanks. I've always been more of a social smoker myself. Only smoke when I drink kind of thing." His smile was sly and self-satisfied.
"No problem." Spencer's voice sounded hoarse and he didn't have a good reason why.
Shayne stood back up, wobbling slightly, and looked down at Spencer. "I'm gonna make sure Dames and Tommy get to bed. Shouldn't be too long. But if you're going to bed, don't lock me out."
"I won't," Spencer murmured. He watched Shayne walk away then looked to the burning cigarette in his hand.
He put it to his lips, trying not to think about that same cigarette touching Shayne's lips. After one more drag, he put the cigarette out on the curb, drew his knees up to his chest, and tucked his head down. He started humming the chorus of Come a Little Closer to himself.
"Come a little closer, then you'll see…"
A few minutes later, he finally stood up. Weariness hit him like a truck. He walked over to the van and opened the back door, pushing equipment around and laying out their bedding. He took off his jacket and shoes, placing them by the end of his sleeping bag before climbing in.
The minute his brain confirmed that he was settled in, Spencer passed out.
He stirred when the door opened. Someone climbed inside, and soon there was a warm body right next to his.
Spencer could get used to that.
~
He opened his eyes, and the only thing Spencer could see was Shayne's face.
Sharing a sleeping space hadn't been a big deal during the tour because Spencer's brain was usually too fried to panic about being so close to Shayne in the already-cramped van. But the experiment was over now, they would be going home, and Spencer was painfully aware of how close they were lying next to each other.
His initial anxiety subsided once Spencer let himself really look at Shayne. His hair was mussed and pointing in a million different directions. His skin was practically perfect, minus a few red splotches on his cheeks, probably from drinking the night before. Spencer watched as his body rose and fell evenly, peacefully, following the lines of Shayne's body with his eyes: his brow, his ears, his jaw, his neck, his shoulder, his arm—
And then Spencer looked back at his face and saw Shayne's blue eyes looking right at him.
Neither of them moved. Neither of them spoke. Spencer didn't want the moment to end but knew that if it didn't, it would get increasingly awkward—
"Hi." Shayne's voice was groggy, scratchy, but there was no trace of questioning or irritation in it. And he kept on looking.
Spencer swallowed and cleared his throat a little. "Hi."
"What's up?" Shayne shifted a bit in his sleeping bag, but his eyes were still on Spencer.
"Nothing really."
"You sure?"
Maybe this would be Spencer's last attempt, one last try to precariously walk the line between friend and something more. Here under Shayne's gaze, he felt scrutinized and exposed, but he also felt seen—seen in a way he didn't want to let go of just yet.
But he couldn't look Shayne in the eye and say what he wanted to. So he turned away and lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling of the van.
"Yeah. I've just been thinking about things and…sometimes it feels like you've always been here."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you've been part of the band for less than a year, but somehow it feels like you've been here since the very beginning. Like you were always meant to be here. You fit. Like the last piece of a puzzle."
Spencer couldn't stop himself from glancing over and saw Shayne still staring at him, his eyes shining in the dim light. He stayed silent and Spencer immediately looked away again, going into backpedal mode.
"Sorry—"
"No," Shayne said, his voice cracking. "Don't be sorry."
"I guess I wanted to tell you…you made m—us. Better somehow. I mean it."
"Thanks Spence. I'm glad—" Shayne paused. "I'm glad that I could do that for everyone."
"What about you?" Spencer blurted out.
"Hmm?"
Spencer shifted so he was facing Shayne again. They sat there gazing at one other until Spencer couldn't take it anymore.
"How do you feel about being in the band?" Spencer murmured.
Shayne somehow managed to scoot his body just a little bit closer. "If I'm being completely honest, Spence…"
He hesitated and Spencer held his breath. Shayne inhaled, shallow and labored, like he was on the verge of tears.
"It feels like home to me." A warm and sincere smile spread across Shayne's face, and he'd never looked more beautiful to Spencer.
But now Spencer was the one about to cry. Something was breaking inside of him. He turned away once more, shutting his eyes tight.
"Good. I'm glad." It was all Spencer could manage to get out, his voice strangled and threadbare.
The silence that grew between them was suffocating. Then Spencer heard and felt Shayne shuffling around next to him.
"I'm, uh…" Shayne's voice was thick and muffled. "I'm gonna go check to see if Tommy and Dames are awake. Then I'll probably walk to that gas station we passed on the way here. Shouldn't be too far."
Spencer nodded.
"You want anything?"
Spencer tried to ground himself in reality; they were in the back of a van with their instruments and equipment, they were going home today, he would need to spend at least a few more hours alone with Shayne, and he didn't want that time to feel the way it did right now. Spencer opened his eyes and forced himself to look at Shayne, who was already eyeing him closely.
"Kickstart?"
They said it at the exact same time, and it diffused the tension between them, but only slightly. Both of them laughed a little.
"See? I got you," Shayne said softly, eyes still fixed on Spencer until he opened the van door and climbed out into the daylight.
"Open or closed?"
"Closed, please," Spencer answered.
"Okay. I'll be back soon." And Shayne closed the door.
Spencer held on for a whole minute or so before his self control gave up the ghost and he choked on a sob. He tried to push down the expanding ball of emotion in his throat, his chest, his whole body, but he couldn't. He felt tears on his face and quickly scrubbed them away like he was trying to hide any evidence of feeling.
Their conversation replayed in his mind on a loop. Spencer already knew what the problem was here. He was the problem. His feelings were the problem. Because now, after this, there truly was no going back. Spencer was utterly gone on Shayne Topp and it was killing him inside. And if he continued on this way, there were only two possible outcomes.
One: he would have to return to his apathetic ways, reel in all this emotion, put the wall back up, keep Shayne at arm's length, somehow smother the love in his heart or learn how to survive in spite of it, and keep the things that he still cared about close to him. Some of them at least.
Two: he would let these feelings take possession of him, recklessly pursue Shayne even though there was a near-zero chance that he felt the same way, and probably implode the best thing to ever happen to him. Lose all of them. Tommy. Damien. Shayne. Selfish Guarantees.
But there was actually one more option. And somehow it felt even more painful than the other two combined.
He could leave Selfish Guarantees.
Leave them before they left him first.
Because in the end, Spencer knew he had always been the cancer. And he should cut himself out before he destroyed every good thing in his life—before he dragged Shayne and Damien and Tommy and Selfish Guarantees down with him.
Spencer sat up and ran his hands over his face. He took some deep breaths until he felt calm again. Squirming around inside the van, he freed himself of his sleeping bag, found his shoes and his jacket, and opened the door. The bright morning light made Spencer squint, a headache beginning to form at his temples.
He really needed a fucking cigarette.
~
Spencer stared at the cup of tea rapidly cooling on the coffee table in front of him. Tommy had made it, and Spencer knew he should be polite and at least have a sip, but his mind refused to go through the motions and kept him locked in place on Tommy's couch.
Tommy walked back in with his own mug, setting it next to Spencer's on the coffee table before falling into the overstuffed chair that sat kitty-corner to the couch in Tommy's apartment. He arranged himself so he sat sideways, his legs hanging over one arm of the chair and his back now up against the other.
"Okay, what's going on?" Tommy asked. He folded his arms across his abdomen and stared pointedly at Spencer.
Spencer shrugged. "Why does there have to be something going on?"
"Bub, I've known you for most of my life. I can tell when there's something going on—and that it's been going on for a while, too."
Spencer didn't know how to respond to that, so he drank some tea instead. Luckily, it was still mostly warm. Tommy watched him but didn't say anything more. Spencer had asked to hang out specifically for this reason; he needed the input of someone close to him and to the situation. But the thought of confessing the whole thing to Tommy also made Spencer's stomach turn.
Spencer took a deep breath. He wanted to choose his words carefully, because he really didn't want to accidentally let it slip that all of this started and ended with Shayne. Tommy would never let him hear the end of it.
"I guess it feels like I'm at a crossroads, and I don't know what direction I should go. I don't know what the right choice is, what will be right for me, right for everybody else…" Spencer's voice drifted off for a moment. "I'm stuck in the middle of it all. But being stuck is killing me too."
He had probably kept that vague enough.
Tommy hummed and picked up his mug. "So, decision paralysis."
"More or less," Spencer muttered.
Tommy huffed a laugh. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm right there with you. A lot has changed in the last few months, and it feels like it's all leading up to something, you know?"
"Yeah. I think I'm just scared of what that something is."
Tommy nodded, a faint blush spreading across his cheeks. "Me too. Although I'm pretty positive we're talking about…mostly different things."
"God, I hope so." They both laughed, but in a desperately lost sort of way. Spencer sunk down further in his seat on the couch and covered his face with his hands.
"You know you can tell me, right?"
Spencer uncovered his face. "What?"
Tommy scoffed and rolled his eyes. "You can tell me about what's actually happening in detail. At least that way—"
"I can't, Tommy." Spencer shook his head as he said it and he could feel the ball of emotion forming in his chest again. "You know that you're my best friend…but I can't."
Tommy's face tightened up, his lips becoming a thin line. He rubbed one of his eyes with the back of his hand and blinked rapidly a few times.
"You know that you're my best friend too, right?"
Spencer gave him a sarcastic grin. "You sure it isn't Alex?"
"Asshole, I could ask you the same thing!" Tommy grabbed a throw pillow from the floor and threw it at Spencer's head.
Spencer caught it and started giggling. "Okay, okay. I get it. Imagine if we both texted Alex right now and asked him who his best friend is?"
Tommy shook his head, but his face glowed with fondness, brown eyes shining in the apartment's natural light.
"Do you want my advice for your vague-as-hell crossroads problem?"
Spencer's smile softened and he nodded. "I'd love to hear it."
Tommy sighed.
"Every choice has consequences. Good and bad. For you and for others. We can pretend to know what those will be, but we're not always right. So, ask yourself: out of all the options in front of you, what has the most predictable consequences? Who will be the most affected by those consequences? And will you be able to live with the outcome?"
Both of them sat in silence as Spencer let Tommy's words sink in.
"So, go with the safest option?"
Tommy sighed again. "I don't think that's actually what I said, but maybe? That or choose the one that helps you grow the most. But that's just me though." He looked away from Spencer and sipped his tea.
"Thanks dude," Spencer said quietly.
"Of course, bub."
Spencer sat up and stretched a little. "So, Mario Kart?"
Tommy nodded. "Mario Kart it is." He stood up from his chair, put his cup down on the coffee table, and began rummaging by the TV to set up Mario Kart.
Spencer watched him, knowing now that the choice he had to make would be the one to hurt Tommy the most. And Damien. Maybe Shayne as well—but maybe not.
Selfish Guarantees would find a new drummer, just like they'd found a new lead guitarist. And maybe they would get lucky again, and this new person would be just as talented as Shayne.
And maybe someday they would learn to forgive Spencer for leaving, but he wasn't counting on it.
~
Spencer: Hey, could you show up for practice a little early today?
Damien: Sure thing, especially since I finally have my car back. What's up?
Spencer: Need to talk to you about something before everyone gets there. You know, since you're the de facto band leader.
Damien: …That doesn't sound ominous at all. Will a half an hour work?
Spencer: Half an hour will be fine.
Damien: You okay?
Spencer: Let's say sure.
Spencer had been smoking a lot more since they came home from the tour. Most of the time, it wasn't just one cigarette now—it would take two or three to get the same effect as one once had. And that's why he was already on his third cigarette by the time Damien's car pulled into the parking lot next to his.
Damien got out of his car, already giving Spencer a wary look, like he'd been preparing himself for bad news the whole drive over here. The guilt already burning through Spencer flashed up suddenly, then died back down to the steady blaze that was slowly eating away at him.
"Do you want to go inside, or…" Damien's voice quietly trailed off.
Spencer put out his cigarette. "Yeah, let's go inside." He shoved his hands in his pockets and followed behind Damien as they walked toward the building.
Entering their practice space for what was probably the last time took the air out of Spencer's lungs. He barely remembered setting everything back up after the tour, but it was all here. His eyes fell on his drum kit and then he realized—his drum kit. Spencer would need to break it down. Take it home with him.
Hell, maybe he'd just let them keep it.
Damien grabbed a stool and dragged it next to another. He planted himself on one and tapped the seat of the one beside him. Spencer shuffled toward him and sat down.
Still, neither of them spoke.
Damien ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I know whatever you have to say probably isn't good, and if it has to do with the band, then there's probably only one thing it could be—so please just say it."
Spencer was tired of wanting to cry all the time. He felt his throat already constricting in an effort to hold it all back, but he felt tears forming in his eyes too. His body would betray him regardless. He wiped his eyes haphazardly and inhaled a short, almost gasping, breath.
"I'm sorry Damien. But I'm quitting the band."
Spencer watched as the fragile stability in Damien's eyes shattered. Somehow they both managed to keep it together. Damien wiped at his eyes with the palm of his hand.
"I have to ask, Spence. Is it because of Shayne? Because you two were getting along. Hell, you spent most of the tour together, so I—"
"Yes. And no. Not for the reasons you're thinking, anyway. It's…it's complicated, okay?" Spencer didn't know why it was easier to admit to Damien than it was to Tommy. Maybe because deep down, he knew that Tommy had clocked how Spencer felt about Shayne before Spencer even figured it out.
Damien sighed. "I really didn't think that Alex leaving was going to be the beginning of the—"
"Don't." Spencer's voice was sharp and firm, but only because he had to convince Damien that he was wrong. "It's not the end. You can find another drummer, just like you found Shayne."
"I found Shayne because he was my best friend from back home who also played guitar. It wasn't exactly chance."
"Damien, please just listen. We don't have a lot of time before Tommy and Shayne get here."
Damien folded his arms across his chest. He looked like he wanted to collapse inside of himself.
"This isn't about you or Tommy. This isn't about Alex leaving. It is about Shayne, but not because I hate him for replacing Alex. It's…about me. It's my problem. And the best way to fix it is for me to walk away from Selfish Guarantees…even if it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to—"
"Then why do it? Can't we just figure it out? The tour was so good, Spence, you can't deny that. Yeah, it was crazy, but we fucking did it. Together." Damien's voice grew softer and weaker with every word he said.
"Do you trust me?" Spencer asked.
"Against my better judgment sometimes, but yes."
Spencer laughed, but it was a small and strangled sound. "Then trust me when I say that I'm doing the best thing for everyone, okay?"
"If I have to." Damien sniffled a little and stared at the floor. "Does Tommy know?"
Spencer shook his head. "He knows that something's up with me, but I didn't tell him what I was planning to do."
"What are you planning to do exactly?" Damien asked, looking up at Spencer and raising an eyebrow.
"I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead."
"You never think that far ahead."
Damien and Spencer glanced over and saw Tommy standing in the doorway. He started walking in slowly, as if he were trying not to startle two frightened animals.
"Hello, Thomas," Damien mumbled, offering up a less-than-convincing smile.
Tommy stood between the two of them, putting a hand on Damien's shoulder and lightly squeezing as he studied Damien's face. "Hello, Damien. Are we okay?"
Both Damien and Spencer nodded. Tommy squeezed Damien's shoulder once more before walking toward the couch and putting his bag down.
"Both of you seem to forget that I've known you anywhere from many to several years, so I can see through your bullshit. But for harmony's sake, I'll pretend to be blissfully ignorant. What are we even doing today? Playing? Hanging out?" Tommy collapsed on the couch, looking a little put out.
Damien shrugged. "Guess we'll decide once Shayne's here."
The three of them sat together in a heavy silence as the minutes ticked by. Shayne was late, which seemed a little unusual.
Finally, Shayne walked in, guitar bag slung across his back, and Spencer felt like it was the day they'd met all over again. Like he was seeing Shayne again for the first time even though he knew it would be the last.
The vibe wasn't hard to miss, so Shayne immediately paused and looked around once he stepped further into the room.
"Hey…is everything okay?" The concern bled through in Shayne's voice.
Damien cleared his throat. "Yeah, we're fine. Just waiting for you so we can decide what to do today."
"About that...sorry for being late. I just had a lot going on right before practice. Dames, remember that used electric keyboard I told you about?"
Damien nodded. Spencer listened to the conversation but felt like he was hovering outside his own body, a ghost casually observing and cataloging the things he would leave behind tonight.
"I picked it up. It's a little beat up, but works just fine."
"Are we adding a keyboard to our lineup, then?" Tommy stood up from the couch and joined everyone else in the middle of the room.
"Damien and I talked about it, yeah," Shayne said. "I wanted it because…well. I wrote a song. And I want a piano part in it."
That violently dragged Spencer back to reality. He looked up at Shayne. "Wait. What? Really?"
"Don't sound so surprised, Spence." Shayne looked back at him, an embarrassed smile on his face. Spencer remembered the first night of the tour, when Shayne asked him for songwriting advice.
Shayne had found a story to tell.
He continued explaining. "I've been working on it since we finished the tour. And I think I finally have enough to play a demo or whatever. All I have now is the guitar and…me."
"You wanna play it now? We could start working on the rest of it together." Damien smiled warmly, glancing at Tommy and then at Spencer. Spencer noticed Damien's smile fade a bit when he looked at him.
Shayne reached up and scratched the back of his head. Spencer knew that meant he was nervous. He hated that he knew that.
"Sure. Let me get my acoustic guitar from the van." Shayne half-jogged to the door and then he was out of sight.
Spencer stood up. "I'll, uh, go sit behind the drums. To give everybody space."
Once Shayne came back in, they moved stools and equipment around until everyone was settled and comfortable.
Spencer couldn't stop himself from asking. "Does it have a name?"
Shayne gripped the guitar in his hands and glanced up at Spencer. His face started to flush and he coughed once to clear his throat.
"Yeah. It's called Cigarette Daydreams."
And then he started to play.
Did you stand there all alone?
Oh, I cannot explain what's going down.
I can see you standing next to me.
In and out, somewhere else right now.
You sigh, look away.
I can see it clear as day.
Close your eyes, so afraid.
Hide behind that baby face.
The simple yet catchy riffs. His voice. Why hadn't they heard Shayne sing until now?
And…the words.
As he sang, all Spencer could think about were the times they sat together in silence; Spencer blowing clouds of smoke, and Shayne reaching for a connection that Spencer desperately tried to push away.
You can drive all night, looking for the answers in the pouring rain.
You wanna find peace of mind, looking for the answer.
Driving through the long night in the rain. Asking questions. Giving Shayne both his jacket and his songwriting advice.
This was crazy. This wasn't real. And yet Spencer remained enraptured.
Funny how it seems like yesterday.
As I recall, you were looking out of place.
Gathered up your things and slipped away.
No time at all, I followed you into the hall.
Cigarette daydream, you were only seventeen.
So sweet, with a mean streak.
Nearly brought me to my knees.
Shayne knew. He knew that Spencer started smoking when he was seventeen. It was the first question he'd asked Spencer while they drove.
It was getting harder and harder to breathe.
You can drive all night, looking for the answers in the pouring rain.
You wanna find peace of mind, looking for the answer.
If we can find a reason, a reason to change, looking for the answer.
If you can find a reason, a reason to stay, standing in the pouring rain.
Those extra lines added to the chorus sealed the deal for Spencer.
He wasn't going anywhere. Shayne had always been both his reason to change and to stay.
How could Spencer have ever considered leaving behind the things he loved most?
There was a beat of silence, and Shayne raised his eyes from his guitar to look around. Damien's face broke into an ecstatic grin, and he started applauding, Tommy quickly following suit. Spencer inconspicuously joined in.
Shayne smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head again. "Thanks guys."
Damien stood up, walking over to Shayne and clapping him on the shoulder. "That was amazing, man. You sure that's the first song you've ever written?"
"First one I've finished, yeah," Shayne said, laughing and leaning toward Damien as he gave Shayne a side hug.
Tommy giggled. "Bravo, sir. I'm excited to see what you come up with when we add more to it. It's—" He paused, stretching out his legs in front of him and considering what he wanted to say before meeting Shayne's eyes. "It's really lovely."
And then all eyes fell on Spencer. He couldn't fully decipher the look on Shayne's face, but he could tell that Shayne wanted him to say something, anything. But the words wouldn't come. The last five minutes had turned Spencer's whole world upside down yet again.
Shayne was really good at that.
"So? Any notes?" Shayne asked quietly. Spencer had asked Shayne the same question the night he learned to play Shake Me Down.
Spencer rolled his shoulders back, then stretched his neck side to side. He exhaled the breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Yeah, I have some."
Shayne's brow furrowed. Damien and Tommy somehow managed to frown in unison.
"You need to be the focus of the song. We'll all play our parts, naturally, but it will only ever be to build you up and support you. For example, I think the drums should be super low key here. They don't need to be big in any way—I'll be there to provide tempo and that's about it. I also think the keyboard will be a great accent. And I think you should sing it too. Or you and Damien at least. You sounded too good to not be the star of the whole thing. And I know I'm happy to share the spotlight."
The shock on everyone's faces was enough to send Spencer into slightly hysterical laughter. Luckily, everyone else joined him and all the stresses of the evening began to fade away.
"What, too much?" Spencer asked, trying to catch his breath.
"No no no. It was great," Shayne reassured him.
Tommy hopped to his feet. "I don't know if I've ever heard you be so damn opinionated about a song. Well, except your own maybe."
Spencer shrugged. "What can I say? I felt inspired." He glanced at Shayne, their eyes meeting. Spencer wondered if he was reading too much into Shayne's lyrics. But at this point, it didn't matter. Not now.
Damien gripped Shayne's shoulder again to get his attention. "Do you have the keyboard with you?"
Shayne nodded. "I do. I can go get it if we want to tackle that part first."
"Could be fun…a Selfish Guarantees first," Tommy said, grinning.
Shayne stood up and set his guitar in a safe spot. "Okay, be right back." He walked out the door and instantly Damien's eyes snapped to Spencer.
"So. What about the thing we discussed earlier then?"
"Okay," Tommy fumed, standing between the two of them once again. "I am now unhappily aware. Would one of you please tell me what's going on?"
Before Spencer could say anything, Damien grabbed Tommy's upper arm and pulled him to his side. "We were potentially going to be sans drummer after tonight, but something tells me—"
"I've changed my mind," Spencer said, his voice flat but contrite as he finished Damien's sentence.
Tommy looked at Damien and then back at Spencer. His eyes filled with unshed tears.
"I knew it. I knew you were planning to do something stupid." Tommy's voice was hushed and laced with disbelief.
Spencer stood up. "I said I changed my mind. I'm not quitting. It's fine."
Tommy sniffled, a tear rolling down his face. "I heard you. And I'm happy for that. But Spencer, you have to learn—you have to know—" Tommy was getting more choked up as he spoke. "We're your friends, and we love you, dumbass. Accept that and don't run from it when things get hard."
Spencer closed the distance between the three of them and pulled Tommy into a hug, willing himself not to cry too.
"I'm sorry."
Tommy sniffled again and hugged Spencer. "It's okay. Just don't do it again."
Spencer giggled and pulled back a little. "I'll try."
Damien snuck an arm around Tommy's midsection and hugged him from behind, reaching up to gently wipe away the streaks of tears on Tommy's face. Tommy froze, staring at him. Damien smiled softly. "No more making each other cry, deal?"
"Deal," Spencer answered, taking a step back. He realized he might be bearing witness to what Tommy had been grappling with at this very moment.
"Can somebody help me with this? It's kind of awkward to carry."
Shayne stood in the doorway, precariously balancing the keyboard where he'd sat it on the ground.
"Yeah, I got you." Spencer walked over, inspecting their new toy.
"Spence."
"Hmm?" Spencer peered up and the way Shayne looked at him made him want to do something very, very stupid. Like kiss Shayne. Luckily, Spencer resisted.
"Thanks for everything you said. It means a lot."
"Of course. Just telling you how I feel, man."
~
Spencer carefully set his bass drum on the ground, then stepped back and shut both of the back doors to the van. Selfish Guarantees was back at Smosh Pit, playing their first show since they'd gone on the tour. Ian and Anthony had made it clear when booking them again that the band could consider Smosh Pit home; they would always be welcomed there and squeezed into the live music schedule. ("Just be sure to remember us when you're famous," Ian had joked.)
Spencer picked the large drum back up and started toward the backstage door, but stopped in his tracks almost immediately. Shayne had stepped back outside and was leaning against the wall next to the entrance. The look on his face was something Spencer had never seen before.
Shayne was scared.
Spencer slowly walked toward him, setting the drum down again. Shayne barely acknowledged Spencer's existence, so Spencer reached out and gently wrapped his fingers around Shayne's forearm. Shayne's attention went first to Spencer's hand on his arm, his brow furrowing a little in confusion, but then Shayne finally looked up.
It seemed silly to ask Shayne if everything was okay, because it obviously wasn't.
"What's wrong?" Spencer asked him, getting right to the point.
Shayne shook his head. Spencer's grip on Shayne's arm got a little tighter.
"Because we're playing your song, right?"
Finally, Shayne exhaled, a rushed and shaken sound leaving his body. "Yeah. I know it's stupid—"
"Stop," Spencer interrupted, shaking his head. "It's not stupid at all. I was terrified when we were about to play Shake Me Down for the first time. But you know what helped me feel less afraid?"
Spencer let the silence hang for a few beats despite the fact that Shayne was staring at him, waiting for the answer.
"You. You liked it. You believed in it—someone who barely knew me at all."
Shayne smiled slightly, but continued to be quiet.
"So, let me just say it now—I like your song. I believe in it. And it's going to be absolutely fantastic."
Spencer squeezed Shayne's arm before letting go, focusing his attention back on getting the bass drum to the stage. He took one step over the threshold into the club before he heard—
"Spence, wait."
Spencer peeked back out and looked at Shayne. A fleeting moment of hesitation crossed Shayne's face before he spoke again.
"See you in there." Shayne's voice was quiet and uneven, but Spencer could see the confidence slowly starting to build back up in Shayne as the seconds passed.
Spencer smiled. "Yeah. See you in there."
~
While Spencer had been the one encouraging Shayne before the show, he wondered now if he would be able to keep it together himself.
They'd knocked it out of the park so far. This was probably the best turnout they'd ever had at Smosh Pit, and Spencer wasn't sure if it was luck, scene buzz generated from the tour, or just Ian and Anthony being the best hype men to ever exist. The energy surrounding them was electric as they barreled toward the end of the show.
Spencer could only wonder how Shayne was feeling right now. But it was finally time.
"Smosh Pit!" Damien cried out, and he was greeted by a wave of cheers and whistling. "As always, you have been an amazing crowd tonight, and as always, we are extremely grateful for that. To finish out the evening, we have a…special treat for you all—"
Before Damien could introduce the song, Shayne quickly looked back at Spencer, his eyes going wide as if to say—
This is it. It's really happening.
Spencer could already feel himself getting choked up and Shayne hadn't even started playing yet. He gave Shayne his most convincing grin and mouthed to him:
You. Got. This.
Shayne quickly mouthed back thank you and turned to look at the audience as Damien continued.
"We have a brand new song for you, written by our very own lead guitarist, Shayne Topp." The crowd cheered again and Shayne waved. "Thank you again, Smosh Pit. We have been Selfish Guarantees, and this…is Cigarette Daydreams."
For a few brief seconds, there was nothing. And then Shayne started to strum, Damien picking out a gentle melody from the keyboard that sat in front of him. And for a short while, all Spencer had to do was listen.
Shayne and Damien had decided to do the vocals together, but Damien wasn't going full power like he usually did. Everyone worked together to make sure that Shayne was the focal point in every way here. After all that had happened since he'd joined the band, it felt only fair to step back a little and let him have his moment.
Close your eyes, so afraid.
Hide behind that baby face.
Tommy and Spencer finally came in for the chorus—Tommy playing slow, deep notes that followed the chord progression, and Spencer playing the simple beat that he'd worked on. But almost as soon as he joined, Spencer dropped back out for the next verse.
He came back in for the lines that seemed to haunt Spencer every time they practiced this song.
Cigarette daydream, you were only seventeen.
So sweet, with a mean streak.
Nearly brought me to my knees.
His body moved, hitting the drums in perfect time with Shayne's guitar, but his mind was somewhere else entirely; Spencer moved through time, reliving what he didn't want to forget.
The first time he saw Shayne. The first night he'd stood at Spencer's side, silent while Spencer used a bad habit as a crutch. The night Shayne heard Shake Me Down for the first time. The comeback show. The talk that changed their course forever. The selfies. Asking Shayne if Courtney was his girlfriend. The drive up the coast. The moment Shayne said the band felt like home and Spencer realized how hard he'd fallen for him.
The first time Spencer heard this song.
If we can find a reason, a reason to change, looking for the answers.
If you can find a reason, a reason to stay, standing in the pouring rain.
Spencer stopped playing again, the song fading back to only Shayne's guitar and the low, soft duet of his and Damien's voices.
His face felt wet. Without realizing it, Spencer had started to cry, tears still leaving trails on his cheeks. This song had to be about him. It had to be about them.
But maybe that was just wishful thinking on Spencer's part, yet again.
Spencer took a shaky breath and went back in for the final chorus. And even as it felt like all sound had left the room, it crashed back in with loud, raucous applause.
He needed to get away. Tommy had told Spencer not to run anymore, but it was all he wanted to do.
The applause died down and Spencer told himself to get up and go; but instead, he stood up, walked around his drum kit, and grabbed Shayne by the shoulder. Shayne turned toward him, the elation on his face sending Spencer's heart into orbit.
It was still loud and chaotic, so Spencer pulled Shayne closer than he'd ever dared to before, mouth right beside Shayne's ear as he spoke.
"Told you it would be fantastic. Proud of you."
Spencer pulled back and the world seemed to slow down around him. There were tears in Shayne's eyes as his free hand took hold of Spencer's shoulder, moving up his neck to his face. Shayne's thumb gently moved across Spencer's cheek and that was when Spencer remembered that he'd been crying. And Shayne could see it.
He turned away, stepping out of Shayne's reach, and quickly headed for the exit.
~
Rushing out the door and into the night air felt like breaking the surface tension of a swimming pool, Spencer gasping for breath as his feet carried him further away. He quickly walked past the van and then stopped suddenly, his mind grasping at memory like he'd just woken from a dream.
The van was parked here. They were about to play at Smosh Pit for a second time. Shayne had practically begged Spencer to just give him a chance.
And that was when it all started to change.
Spencer dragged his hands over his face and felt the evidence of dried tears. This night was drastically different from that one, but Spencer had no idea where to go from here. All that he'd feared about staying with the band had reached a boiling point, everything now hinging on what Shayne felt for Spencer.
He needed to know. Even if it meant his heart would break.
"Spencer?"
He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and turned around.
Shayne stood in the doorway, but hadn't moved beyond it. Once their eyes met, he started walking toward him. Spencer couldn't help but meet him in the middle, like they were magnetized to one another. They stood facing each other, too close and not close enough all at once.
Spencer thought about that morning in the back of the van, how they'd stared at one another without saying anything. Like the silences that fell around them weren't actually silent at all, just filled with all the things they wanted to say but were too afraid to.
Finally, Spencer found his voice, even though it was barely a whisper.
"This is going to sound insane, but…your song. I have to know. Is it…is it about me?"
Shayne smiled slightly, a small, surprised noise leaving his mouth. His blue eyes were red-rimmed but still shining bright.
"Yeah, it is."
Spencer didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but he felt his heart pounding wildly in his chest, the sound thumping away like a drum beat in his ears. Cigarette Daydreams was about him. He was right. Which meant…which meant…
"But…why?"
It was all Spencer could think to ask, because it still didn't make any sense to him. How could this smart, funny, talented, beautiful guy want somebody like him?
Shayne rolled his eyes and stepped a little bit closer. Spencer could see the affection in his face, the way his eyes were solely focused on him.
Maybe it wasn't so crazy after all.
Shayne tentatively reached out and put his hands on Spencer's upper arms.
"Because you're…you, Spence. Because to me, you were the story that mattered. The one that was worth telling. Because I'm in love—"
Spencer's hands found Shayne's face, tugging him forward to close what little distance remained between them, and kissed him. He put everything he didn't know how to say into the press of their lips. Shayne responded in kind, hands moving down Spencer's body and arms wrapping around him. Spencer pulled away slightly, panting for air and hands still touching Shayne's face reverently.
"Shayne, I've been crazy about you since the moment we met. I just never thought—"
Shayne interrupted him with another kiss, breaking away after a few seconds and resting his forehead on Spencer's.
"That's because you're an idiot."
Spencer laughed. "Gee, thanks."
"Just telling you how I feel."
Shayne grinned at him, his arms going tighter around Spencer and pulling Spencer to the side until Spencer understood that Shayne wanted them to turn around. Shayne kissed him again and gently walked him backwards until Spencer felt his back hit the metal of the van.
Their kissing grew more feverish as Spencer licked into Shayne's mouth. He heard Shayne practically growl and a lightning bolt ran down Spencer's spine. Then Shayne's hands were gripping his hips and Shayne pulled back, staring at Spencer while he tugged upward.
"Wha—?" Spencer asked in a daze.
Shayne smiled wickedly at him. "Jump."
Spencer gasped. "Oh!" He jumped right as Shayne was lifting him upward, pressing Spencer's body against the van for leverage. Spencer quickly wrapped his legs around Shayne's hips and locked his ankles. His arms went around Shayne's shoulders and neck, his hands in Shayne's hair. He dragged Shayne forward and kissed him again.
They stayed that way, lost in a haze of confession and want until—
"Fucking finally!"
They parted and looked toward the voice. Tommy stood with his hands on his hips and a huge shit-eating grin on his face.
"Took you two long enough, my God."
Shayne's face, which was already red, somehow got a few shades darker and he buried his face in Spencer's shoulder. Spencer ran a hand through Shayne's hair and then gave Tommy a glowering stare.
"Like you have any room to talk, dude."
Tommy's jaw dropped. "Wh-what? What does that even mean?"
Before he could finish speaking, Spencer saw Damien's hand reach out and take Tommy's wrist, the rest of him remaining out of sight.
"No room to talk at all, Thomas."
Damien pulled Tommy toward him and suddenly, there was no more talking.
Spencer giggled. "Wow, looks like all of us are figuring our shit out tonight."
Shayne lifted his head, looking as if he'd just woken from a dream.
"Oh, uh…do you want me to put you down?"
Spencer giggled again. "Sure." He unhooked his legs and put his feet on the ground, but the two still stood pressed against one another, falling into an easy silence.
"So, does that make me your cigarette daydream?" Spencer asked, his tone teasing.
"Spencer." Shayne rolled his eyes again but was still smiling.
"Okay, sorry, sorry." Spencer cleared his throat. "Seriously though. It's a beautiful song. And I'm...honored."
Shayne reached up and gently cradled Spencer's face in his hand, leaning down slightly to kiss Spencer light and feather-soft.
"The honor is and will always be mine."
They stood smiling at each other until Damien coughed to get their attention, looking slightly disheveled himself.
"Sorry to interrupt you two lovebirds, but we should really break down and pack up."
Spencer scoffed. "Damien, why do you always gotta ruin all our fun?"
"I'll have you know I'm ruining my own fun too, but we shouldn't take advantage of Ian and Anthony's hospitality by leaving all our shit hanging out on their stage."
Shayne nodded. "Fair enough, Dames."
"We'll just make this quick then," Spencer said, pulling Shayne along with him to the backstage entrance.
~
"Come on, we can't break tradition."
Spencer took Shayne's hand in his and started walking in the direction of his car.
"Good night, dummies!" Tommy yelled back at them, waving with one hand and holding Damien's hand in the other.
"Good night, other dummies!" Spencer fired back, Shayne giggling beside him.
"I thought something was going on with them, but Dames didn't ever say anything to me about it," Shayne said thoughtfully, keeping pace with Spencer.
Spencer shrugged. "I mean, I had every opportunity to tell Tommy about stuff and I didn't. I guess some things we just need to figure out on our own."
"Yeah, even if it takes a while."
"Yeah, okay."
Both of them laughed as they approached Spencer's car. Shayne climbed onto the trunk while Spencer dug around in his car for his cigarettes and lighter.
Spencer climbed up right beside Shayne, who was lying back now, and lit up a cigarette. Spencer laid back too and found himself nestled in the crook of Shayne's arm, head resting on his shoulder. The whole evening had been chaotic in the best way possible, so it was relaxing to sit and be still for a moment.
Spencer sighed. "You know, I was going to quit."
Shayne lifted his head a little. "Quit smoking?"
"No. Well, maybe. But no. I was going to leave the band."
"What? Why?"
Spencer looked up at Shayne, vision slightly obscured by the curls resting on his forehead.
"Because I was scared that my feelings for you would fuck everything up."
Shayne pushed the stray curls away and let his hand tangle in Spencer's hair.
"Well…I'm glad you didn't."
Spencer inhaled and exhaled smoke as if he was breathing fire.
"Me too. Your song changed my mind."
A satisfied smile grew on Shayne's face. "Lucky for you, I got some good songwriting advice from this really cute guy I know."
Spencer pushed himself up with his elbows and turned onto his stomach, his face hovering just above Shayne's as he leaned down to kiss him.
"Tell me more."