Chapter Text
Ilya didn't sleep the rest of the night, scared he might have to face his mother or Shane in a dream. The next day, he continued with his routine of visiting Shane at 11:00 on the dot and not leaving until he was forced to by the staff.
When he entered the room he was met with Yuna's concerned eyes. He must have looked as awful as he felt because she wordlessly pulled him into a tight hug. He let a few tears roll from his eyes, but refused to break down fully. He couldn't risk Yuna discovering what he almost did last night, and she was so perceptive he was scared to show any sign of change.
When they separated, she held onto his biceps and looked at him intensely, cataloging every detail of his face. She didn't seem to like what she found.
“Is everything ok? I mean obviously not, but…” She was so gentle and concerned. Ilya wasn't sure how to answer, but he didn't have to because the words caused more tears to fall and he crumpled in her arms.
“I am… not ok,” was all he managed to say in response. Yuna guided him to a chair and he sat heavily. He seemed to always break down standing up and need assistance getting to a seat. It was humiliating. Everything about this situation was humiliating, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All that mattered was he was here and so was Shane.
“If you want to talk about it-”
“No,” he cut her off, trying to end the conversation. He knew if she really wanted to know he would have no choice but to tell her, but she thankfully didn't. She let the conversation drop and turned her head towards her son.
Shane had changed so much since the accident, yet had stayed exactly the same. His muscles had shrunk from months of disuse, his body looking frailer with each passing day. Yet, his freckles remained a constant. Ilya had memorized the size and placement of each one months ago, so he knew for a fact they had stayed exactly, perfectly the same. His hair had visibly grown in the weeks since his head bandage was removed and was now falling halfway down his ears.
Ilya's dream had given him the strength to carry on to the next day, but not enough to unravel the knot in his chest that was constantly threatening to choke him. He felt it coil at the sight of Shane, tightening and loosening at the same time. He leaned forward and grasped Shane's hand and began his ritual of explaining his night to him in Russian, though this was more painful than any other time had been.
“My love. I am so sorry. Last night… Last night I almost made a terrible mistake. I felt so weak and afraid and hopeless. Maybe I still do. My father always told me I was, and maybe I proved him right. But I almost did something I could never take back and I'm so sorry. I’m so sorry, my love. I also broke my promise. I smoked a few cigarettes. I'm so fucking sorry, Shane. I couldn't stop myself. Whatever parasite took my mother from me almost took me from you and I am so fucking sorry. Even though it didn't happen, there's nothing I can do to erase it. I wish I could take it all back. I'm so sorry, my love. I'm so, so sorry.” He was sobbing, letting every emotion from the night before run through him and out his mouth. He took a few minutes to cry before continuing.
“My mother visited me. She reminded me I need to be strong for you. I know you'll wake up. You have to. If you are gone, so am I, but you're not. I was reminded of that. You are still here and breathing and that can be enough for now. If that is all I have, it can be enough.” His voice grew soft and loving as his tears slowed.
That's when he felt it. The slightest movement, a microscopic twitch of a finger, a slight downwards pressure in his thumb, as if Shane was trying to grasp his hand. Ilya nearly screamed. He felt like he was dreaming. After everything he had been through, he finally had a sign that there was still someone residing in the body in front of him.
Yuna, who had respectfully been working on her computer during Ilya's ritual, looked up with worry in her eyes.
“What happened?” Ilya had to take a moment to translate her words, English being too hard with this many emotions swirling in his mind.
“He moved!” He nearly yelled. The simple words settled in his mind as he spoke them out loud, slightly easing the pressure behind his eyes and at his temples.
He smiled for the first time in months, a true, genuine smile. His lips cracked from dehydration and his face, no longer used to the movement, was wobbly and awkward, but it was real. He felt the closest thing to pure, childlike joy in years. Everything was starting to right itself, not fully, but enough. He was able to sit up straight, rolling his shoulders back and hearing them pop as he corrected his posture. He was beaming, looking between Shane and Yuna.
Her face lit up. She jumped to her feet and rushed to the other side of the bed, taking his other hand. She leaned forward and started murmuring comforting words to Shane, trying to get him to repeat the motion. Although Ilya was still struggling to grasp the English language, he respectfully leaned back as far as he could while still holding Shane's hand to give her privacy with her son.
She spoke with him for probably twenty minutes before it happened again. The slightest of movements, but movement nonetheless. Yuna jumped in her seat and burst into tears.
“You're here. My baby, you're still in there. I knew you were. I knew you'd come back. I love you so much.” She cried for a while before gently dropping Shane's hand and putting on her business face. “I am going to go talk to the doctors. This is a really good sign, Ilya.” She couldn't stop smiling as she spoke. Ilya was unsure how she managed to turn around and walk out the door, leaving Shane. He held Shane's hand in a firm grasp until the doctor came in and forced him away to run tests.
He stood in the corner of the room as the doctor poked and prodded at Shane. He wanted to ask questions, but he couldn't form the words in English. Thankfully, Yuna had about three hundred questions ready and asked them in quick succession.
Yes, this is a good sign. No, they don't know if he'll fully wake up soon. Yes, he's improving dramatically. No, this does not mean anyone is allowed to stay past visiting hours. Yes, let them know if it happens again.
Ilya sent a silent thank you to his mother. She must have known this would happen. Ilya would have missed it if she hadn't stopped him, and for that he could never thank her enough.
Ilya waited patiently until the doctor was satisfied with his testing to return to Shane's side and take his hand again. He murmured gratitudes and praises in Russian and kissed his knuckles tenderly. Everything felt lighter, more colorful. It wasn't the same as it was before, but it was the closest he felt to joy in months. Shane was alive and moving which was so much more than Ilya could have asked for after the night he had.
Ilya went back to his hotel that night giddy. He couldn't stop smiling, even in Shane's absence. He did his full nightly routine without having to convince himself to get out of bed to do it. He pulled on his comfiest pair of shorts and settled in bed peacefully. His sleep was uninterrupted for the first time since the accident, though he almost wished he had seen his mother again so he could thank her.
He woke the next morning without the familiar feeling of dread looming over him. He felt rested and peaceful and overall better than he could remember feeling in a long time. There were still dark tendrils at the corners of his mind, threatening to creep back in, but he pushed them away and tried to think only of Shane's hand twitching in his.
Shane did not move again for the next few days, though the hope in Ilya's chest didn't diminish. He rode the high of Shane's movement as long as he possibly could, reminding himself of the feeling of their hands clasped together when he began to doubt.
Ilya was in his usual position, next to Shane's bed and holding his hand as he spoke in Russian. He was telling Shane about how he hadn't cried in days and was starting to take care of himself again in some ways. He wasn't ashamed to admit he also begged for his love to move again, to prove that there was actual healing and improvement and that the first movement wasn't a fluke. His hopes were answered with another slight twitch of Shane's hand. Ilya reacted as if it was the first time it had happened, jumping and yelling and smiling ear to ear.
This time, David was present and had the opportunity to see the sign of life with his own eyes. A weight was visibly lifted from his shoulders at the sight and he let out a long, relieved sigh. There were tears in the corners of his eyes that spilled when his face stretched into a large smile. He practically bounced from the chair out into the hallway to update the nurses as they had been instructed.
“Hes ok,” David said when he returned, more to himself than to Ilya.
“He is. And he will wake up soon,” Ilya responded with all the confidence and hope he had received from both Shane and his mother. David laughed, light and joyous, before looking at him with a serious expression.
“I'm glad you're back. At least for now. I can't pretend I know what was going on in your mind, but seeing you like that was… scary. Yuna and I care about you, son. If you ever need anything please let us know. I’ll give you my number. I know you probably have Yunas, but just in case.” David reached out for Ilya to give him his phone, but Ilya took his hand and pulled him in for a tight hug. He tried to will away the tears in his eyes. It had been so long since someone had told him they cared about him, so long since someone voiced concern over his wellbeing. His own family had never been supportive of him, always finding flaws and pointing out the smallest of errors in everything he did.
He imagined what it would be like when Shane woke up. If he cared about Ilya as much as Ilya cared about him, would this be his forever? Would he wake up with Shane in his arms and go visit Yuna and David together and eat home cooked meals? Would he truly have a family? The thought was too much, so he pushed it away, not wanting to sour his amazing mood.
“I am sorry,” he finally responded. “I care about him so much. I cannot handle being without him. I scared myself, but I am ok now.” David looked at him for a while before nodding and smiling again.
“Well, that's news to celebrate! Come to dinner with me and Yuna. We’re going to this new Italian place.” David looked at him expectantly. Yuna and David had invited him out multiple times since the accident, but Ilya had refused due to his nightly plans of drinking miserably in his hotel room. This time, he smiled and nodded at the older man, who looked like he had just been gifted a puppy and quickly texted Yuna about the plans.
Ilya showed up to the restaurant after the Hollanders did and walked over to where they sat waving at him. He was nervous and not quite sure what to expect from his first time seeing them outside of the hospital. His nerves quickly dissipated when he heard Yuna speak. She was talking animatedly about the game the Admirals had played earlier in the day, an embarrassing loss against the Centaurs. He perched uncomfortably on the edge of his seat and tried to join the banter as naturally as he could. It was awkward at first, but eventually they were drinking and laughing and eating pasta and it all felt… right. It felt like these were people he had known all his life, people who cared about him and who he cared about back.
He insisted on paying for both the food and the Hollanders Uber to their hotel at the end of the night, much to Yuna's annoyance.
As he laid in bed that night, he smiled to himself. Now that he was much more certain Shane would wake up, he had time to truly appreciate this family. He hoped they'd eventually be his real family as he drifted off to a dreamless sleep.