Chapter Text
It’s sometime after their father passes, well after the soil had softened and they’d buried him and the flowers they left over the grave had withered, that Raph looks at Leo sitting in the dojo, meditating (again), and decides he’s had enough. He enters, and intends to tap Leo on the shoulder, but Leo looks up at him before he gets the chance, eyes as deader than Splinter.
“Come topside with me?” he asks, voice lifting more at the end than he anticipated, a question more than the statement he intended
But, eyes empty, Leo stands, lays a hand gently on Raph’s shoulder, and exits the dojo, not bothering to watch if Raph is following. Their journey to the rooftops of New York is silent, too silent, grating against Raph’s nerves. He’s not sure what he’s hoping for, dragging Leo up here when they’re taking the week off, but Leo’s dull eyes make him nauseous and he has to do something about it. They end up laying on the roof of a random highrise, the lights of the city reflecting off Leo’s eyes, but they don’t look like stars to Raph like they usually do. In Casey’s eyes, or Mikey’s, the lights dance around, alive and vibrant. Leo’s eyes look like those of a fish, laying dead on the counter. He’s scared he might be sick.
Leo, for the first time in what might be days, speaks. “Are you okay?”
Raph freezes. This isn’t what he expected. Hell, he hadn’t even really expected Leo to come up here with him, but they’re here now and Raph can feel the familiar heat of anger lacing through his veins.
He sits up, snaps, “Me? What about you?”
Leo looks up at him with hollow, empty, dead eyes, clearly confused even though his face betrays no emotion. Raph jumps to his feet, itching to move, that same candle from their childhood that burned too hot, too bright, too dangerous. Leo sits up, watching him pace blankly.
“That! Exactly fucking that! It’s like you don’t even feel anymore!”
Leo’s brow furrows, the first sign of emotion Raph’s seen since they buried their father months ago. “I still feel, Raphael.”
Raph kicks at the concrete by Leo’s leg. “Don’t call me that! Since when am I Raphael to you?” he fights hard against the tears welling up, wields his anger like a shield. “You don’t notice it? How empty you are? I look in your eyes and there’s nothing!” Raph is almost screaming. He scoops a stray pebble off the ground and flings it at Leo. It whizzes harmlessly past, but Leo flinches anyways, stands.
“Don’t act like you know me, Raph,” and finally, finally, there’s some heat behind the words. A whisper of smoke, the promise of fire.
“But I don’t know you! I fuckin’ used to, when we were kids and we had too much energy and dad didn’t have time. But something broke us! You broke us!” Raph points an accusatory finger at Leo.
“Me? All you ever do is try to pick fights with me!” Leo’s voice is getting a little louder, and something between them sparks dangerously. “You think I broke us?”
“I think dad broke you, and I think you worship him too much to see it! I think you’re better than shutting yourself in the dojo and pushing away all your feelings until you’re… Until you’re a fucking husk!” Raph storms over and gets up in Leo’s face. “You’ll never be dad, so stop fucking acting like it!”
And Leo shoves him. Raph stumbles back, a little shocked, eyes wide.
“You have no idea what I am!”
Raph raises his fists and drops into a fighting stance. “Then show me,” he challenges, voice ominously low.
And Leo rises to it, tackling Raph to the ground. The fight is fast and dirty, pulling on mask tails and biting and hitting like children who were forced to grow up too fast. Neither of them reach for their weapons, choosing punches and kicks and scratches that ache and sting but don’t slice or stab. Raph’s not sure how long they scuffle, kicking dust from the city back into the air as they roll around, yelling, but at some point, yells turn to sobs and punches turn to clinging and Raph is holding a sobbing Leo, and he realizes he’s crying too. And they stay like that for a while, clinging to each other like Raph used to cling to Leo after nightmares, for what feels like longer than they were fighting.
“I’m sorry,” Leo wheezes eventually, when they’ve both stopped openly sobbing and only the occasional hiccup disturbs the air between them.
“You should be,” Raph mutters, and Leo laughs wetly. It’s silent for another moment before Raph says, “Me too.”
“You should be,” Leo teases, and Raph headbutts him carefully.
“Doing better?”
“A little,” Leo sniffles. “It’s been a while since I. Well.”
Leo doesn’t finish, but Raph gets it anyway. Eventually they settle back down, both still a little weepy. Leo’s eyes reflect the lights of the city, and it looks like stars.