Chapter Text
Eddie gets a major wave of deja vu when he pulls into Buck's driveway. It’s strange, he thinks, he’s pulled into Buck’s driveway a hundred times before, never getting the same feeling. Except the last time he was behind the wheel of a car in the same spot, he realized he was in love with his best friend. This is the first time he’s back with that knowledge. It’s terrifying and exhilarating and brilliant.
He knocks on Buck’s front door with this knowledge. When Buck opens it, wearing a soft t-shirt and sweats, he heaves out a giant sigh at the sight of Eddie. Eddie walks in anyway, ignoring whatever that was, fueled by the knowing.
“Shouldn’t you still be asleep? It’s only nine in the morning, and we didn’t get back until late.”
“I could say the same for you.”
“I slept in the car.”
“I noticed.”
“So you’re mad at me for sleeping now.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You implied it.”
“I’m not mad you slept for a while. It was frankly well deserved. Also, you know, I get cranky when I don’t eat, you get cranky when you don’t sleep.”
Buck scoffed, “Of course you’re upset about that.”
“No. I’m upset at you for pretending to sleep so you could ignore me.”
“Oh come on,” Buck said, his voice thick with annoyance.
“See! You can’t deny it,” Eddie responds, taking a step towards Buck, who’s still standing by the front door. “You’re avoiding me.”
“I said I’m fine, Eddie.”
“We both know that’s a lie.”
“Look, please. Just drop it! I’m fine, really. I think you should go home, go back to sleep-”
“No.”
“Eddie. I-I’m not lying. I’m fine!”
“Yeah, alright, and I'm not gay.”
That stops Buck in his tracks. His hand freezes halfway through his hair, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. A fish whose brain is short-circuiting. Eddie almost laughs at the sight, remembering what Maddie said about shocking him into listening.
“I need you to talk to me, Buck.”
Buck snaps his mouth closed. He stares at Eddie, who takes another step towards him, with a spark in his eyes. Yes, it’s an angry spark, but it’s a spark that Eddie latches onto, one that he hasn’t seen in a while, not since before Bobby died.
Eddie waits. He's prepared to wait all day if need be, “Spit it out, Buckley.”
Buck stares and stares before he finally breaks, “You know what? You are- oh my god, you are insufferable! Can’t I even have one day to process anything? You just have to show up here unannounced, acting crazy-”
“I’m not being crazy, Buck,” Eddie interrupts. “You haven't been talking. Not like before. I don’t know what's happening to you anymore. It's killing me, and I can’t do anything about it because you keep pushing me away.”
He takes another step towards him, “I’m standing right in front of you, yet I still- I miss you, Buck.”
Buck absolutely crumbles at those words, slumping against the door. His face falls, his eyes immediately filling with tears that spill over. Eddie’s surprised at the sudden shift; he reaches out as Buck slides down, trying somewhat to keep him on his feet, but Buck’s momentum just carries both of them down to the floor.
Buck rests his elbows on his knees, head in his hands as he sobs, the sound shatters Eddie’s heart into smaller and smaller pieces with each hiccup, each shaky exhale. He’s being blocked by Buck’s knees from going to him completely, so he settles in front of him, resting his hands on Buck’s ankles, unconsciously finding his pulse.
Eddie murmurs “it’s okay” and “I’m here” over and over, rubbing his thumb in small circles over his ankle, as he lets Buck cry.
It takes some time before Buck’s sobs slow; he sucks in breath after breath, trying to calm himself down. Eddie stays through it all. When Buck takes his head out of his hands, he looks up, dazed. Eddie watches Buck’s eyes focus and settle on him. This time, thank god, Buck doesn’t look away; he’s locked onto Eddie, who looks right back. He’s still searching Eddie’s eyes when he drops his head back against the door, exposing the now black and purple side of his throat and letting his legs slide down. Now Eddie is sitting between his legs. And his hands, which were previously on Buck’s ankles, are hovering right on top of Buck's thighs. Eddie pauses, refuses to think about it then lets his hands fall continuing the small circular motion from before.
Buck hums slightly, closing his eyes, causing Eddie’s heart to speed up. “Buck. Please look at me.”
Buck does. Eddie examines his face, eyes red, puffy, and bruised. One is slightly more closed than the other due to the swelling. “How’s your pain?” Eddie asks, unable to help himself. He is a paramedic after all.
“Awful. Don’t let me cry again, it hurts like a motherfucker.”
Eddie laughs, shaking his head. Buck smiles at him, and his heart soars. But then Buck’s smile falls.
“I miss me too,” he says, in the softest voice. So soft, Eddie almost misses it.
Eddie stills, his thumbs stop circling, instead they grip Buck’s thighs a little tighter, his fingers digging softly into skin through Buck’s sweats. He is scared to ask, knowing it is going to hurt to hear his best friend in pain. In fact, he’s terrified to ask, but he does it anyway, “What does that mean, Buck?”
“Since Bobby died,” Buck begins. “I-I don’t know who I am anymore. I thought I did. The auction, I felt good. I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. I think I was maybe ready to start letting go...but then Bonnie.”
Buck pauses, wipes a tear that escapes. “She is so broken, Eddie. She seems so lost after losing her son. I can’t even imagine the pain of that. I think I can relate at least a little bit, you know? But what scared me is that she's still that way, and it's been 14 years. 14 years since her son died. She’s still so desperate she was willing to literally kidnap someone and shock them with a cattle prod, so they would pretend to be Derek.”
Eddie’s jaw hurts from clenching it so hard. He knew they’d taken Buck and had hurt him. He didn’t know she had literally tortured him. Hearing it made him want to tear the world apart.
“She was going to kill me. Because I wasn’t right. I didn’t live up to her expectations, and I couldn't save her son.” His voice drops lower, coming out in a whisper, “I tried to save you. I said I would be Derek if she left you alone, got you to leave so you could make it back home to Chris.”
Eddie’s vision goes blurry at Buck's confession; he digs his fingers in tighter, not enough to hurt but enough to ground him. Eddie knew Buck would do anything for Chris and for him. He did it by subletting his house for gods sake, but hearing him say he would give up his life— his soul— for them? If he didn’t already know how to name the feeling in his chest whenever he looked at Buck, he did now. He loved him so much that words wouldn’t be enough.
Buck continues, “But fuck, Eddie. A-a part of me was okay with dying. I couldn’t help my parents, I couldn’t do it for Bobby, I failed again.”
“For Bobby?”
Buck glanced at Eddie, his eyes having been focused on a spot behind his head while he talked. “He told me, before he died,” Buck sucks in a breath. “He said ‘they are going to need you,’ but then he left, and he took me with him, and how am I supposed to help if I can’t even help myself? I keep trying to find him, in recipes, in fucking squatters in my attic, because how can he say that th-then just leave without showing me how? It makes me angry, which then makes me feel like an asshole because how am I allowed to be angry at a dead person?”
Buck's eyes are wide and vulnerable when he's done talking. Eddie’s heart cracks. It cracks because he knows. He knows exactly what that feels like, to be angry at death, to feel lost. Yes, it's different. Shannon was different from Bobby, and he chose the army willingly. He chose it knowing he could get hurt. Buck didn’t choose to be kidnapped. But he knows, and he was too afraid to be there for Buck, like Buck was for Eddie.
“You don't have to be anything, or do anything, Buck. If you need to just exist for a while, that is more than enough for me. I’ll be here no matter what, I'll come for you no matter what, but I do need you to exist, as best you can.”
Buck sniffles, swiping at his face with the back of his hand. As he does so, he leaves his hand there, covering his face, squeezing his eyes shut as more tears come. His body starts heaving again with giant sobs that he’s trying desperately to hide.
Eddie lets go of his thighs, reaching to pull Buck’s hand away from his face and holding it instead. The loss of his shield causes Buck to turn his head away, still trying to hide. Eddie uses his other hand, rests it gently against his cheek, and turns Buck's face back to his. Cupping Bucks face, Eddie swipes at the tears. “I’ll be here,” he says. “I promise.”
“Bobby also said I was going to be okay,” Buck admits. “I didn’t believe him. Not until now.”
---
Minutes, hours, years pass. Eddie isn’t sure how long they sit on the floor together talking, crying, laughing, exchanging their sides of the story. Buck makes a comment on the chain of command when Eddie says he jumped out the window to escape the police, making Eddie playfully punch his shoulder. At one point, Buck can’t stop laughing over Eddie saying he found his Waldo in the middle of the desert. The entire time, Eddie doesn’t stop holding Buck’s hand, and Buck doesn’t complain. In fact, Buck holds it even when he starts making big gestures with his hands in the middle of explaining things. It’s awkward and makes Eddie laugh, but he doesn’t let go.
At one point, Eddie shifts, stiff from sitting in the same position for so long and Buck uses his other hand to grab his waist pulling him closer. It makes Eddies stomach swoop and his face flush. He doesn’t miss the way Buck smirks.
The conversation lulls, Eddie takes the opportunity to look at Bucks face fully. He searches everywhere, cataloging his eyes, his brows, the way his eyelashes look so soft against his cheeks. His eyes linger on his lips. Buck lets him look. Eddie gets embarrassed. He’s pretty sure his face is bright red, but instead of pulling away he leans in resting his forehead against Bucks.
Bucks breath is warm against Eddie’s face as he says, “Don’t think I forgot about you saying you’re gay.”
“I needed a way in.”
“A way in?”
“I needed you to stop over thinking for two seconds so you would actually listen to me.”
Buck hums contently, “I think it worked.”
With one hand still holding Buck’s hand, Eddie reaches with the other one to find the pulse on the inside of Bucks wrist.
It grounds him with its steady rhythm. Alive, alive, alive.
“I also needed to prepare you.”
“Prepare me for what?”
“I love you.” Buck’s breath catches, Eddie feels his pulse speed up under his fingers. “I don’t expect anything. I just need you to know i’m choosing you, i’ll always choose you.”
Buck looks at him, his eyes wide.
“And for this,” Eddie whispers as he leans in. His lips brush Buck’s lightly, carefully. It's timid at first, but sure.