Chapter Text
Worst Pike: Image
Worst Pike: What is this and why is it outside my house?
Ilya: How would I know?
Worst Pike: This has you written all over it.
Worst Pike: Literally
Worst Pike: Your name is on the sender’s address.
Ilya: Ah
Ilya: Is gift
Ilya: But not for you
Ilya: For girls
Ilya: Should say thank you
Ilya: Not ask rude questions
Worst Pike: I’m not thanking you until a) I know what this is and b) you stop being a dick all the fucking time
Ilya: Very rude
Ilya: You are so lucky your children inherit everything from Jackie
Worst Pike: Rozanov, I will mail this straight back to you and make it your problem
Ilya: You are worst father
Ilya: Depriving children of gifts
Ilya: Grinch Pike all year, not just Christmas
Worst Pike: Your “excellent idea” for Christmas was a snow cannon for the yard.
Worst Pike: I prefer my children alive and with all of their fingers and toes intact, thanks
Worst Pike: Now, what the fuck have you sent this time?
Ilya: Open and you will see
Ilya: Is very good gift from best uncle
Worst Pike: I’m telling Shane you said that
Ilya: Good, then you tell him the truth.
Worst Pike: …
Worst Pike: …
Worst Pike: What.
Worst Pike: Rozanov
Worst Pike: What made you think
Worst Pike: Jade and Ruby
Worst Pike: I repeat, Jade and Ruby
Worst Pike: Needed any help with making MORE noise???
Worst Pike: Take this back
Worst Pike: I would like what’s left of my hearing to survive the next week
Ilya: Is very bad luck to return gift, Pike
Ilya: And girls are right age to start music education. Very important. In Russia, would already be in lessons for one year. Must catch up.
Worst Pike: A drum kit is not a music education, it’s a weapon of war. We have a piano they can learn instead
Worst Pike: No
Worst Pike: Just no
Worst Pike: This is not coming inside my house
Worst Pike: Ever
Worst Pike: Arthur just started sleeping through the night for Christ’s sake
Worst Pike: Jackie will murder me
Worst Pike: And you
Worst Pike: She just rediscovered what 6 hours of unbroken sleep is like
Ilya: I already text Jackie and she say is okay
Worst Pike: Now I know you’re lying.
Worst Pike: Jackie would never say yes to a drum kit for the kids.
Ilya: I ask to send a gift to girls
Ilya: Would never dare to disobey Superior Pike.
Worst Pike: I don’t believe you.
Worst Pike: Asshole.
Worst Pike: I’m throwing you under the bus, just wait and see.
Ilya: If Jackie is driving bus, you are the one in danger. I am favourite.
Worst Pike: …
Worst Pike: You know what, fuck you
Ilya: No, that is Shane’s job
Ilya: But I will tell him you message me with very dirty come on
Worst Pike: Oh ew, gross Rozanov
Worst Pike: What is wrong with you??
Ilya: And now I will tell him you are homophobic
Worst Pike:🖕
Ilya: How did it go?
Jackie💖: Amazing!
Jackie💖: How did you know it would work though?
Ilya: Ha.
Ilya: Pike is easy
Ilya: Thinks same on and off ice
Ilya: What is most stupid decision, he will make
Jackie💖: Ilya
Ilya: With only one exception
Ilya: He chose best wife ever ♥️
Jackie💖: Well you’re right about that, at least. 🤣
Jackie💖: Do you ever get tired of chirping him?
Ilya: No
Ilya: Is impossible not to chirp
Ilya: Like seeing small baby bird try to fly for first time
Ilya: Then fall flat on face
Jackie💖: Ilya! 🙁
Ilya: He cannot win fight against me for your honour anyway.
Ilya: But yes, plan works very well
Ilya: I order online
Ilya: Terrible drums arrive for children, Pike panics
Ilya: Costco in America is most easy returns
Ilya: But cannot return unless a member
Ilya: So must become member first to return drums
Ilya: Then have gift card
Ilya: Must spend gift card only in Costco
Ilya: So must return to Costco…
Jackie💖: … where the most beautiful handbag I’ve ever seen lives.
Jackie💖: And a year’s membership Hayden now has to use
Ilya: Yes.
Ilya: am Russian mastermind
Ilya: Game, set, match.
Ilya: Only works because return policy is very good, not like shitty Walmart.
Jackie💖: How do you know this?
Ilya: Is very sad story.
Jackie💖: ?
Ilya: I buy nice things for our house
Ilya: I buy presents for my beautiful husband
Ilya: Buy for David and Yuna
Ilya: Buy all things we need
Ilya: Shane makes me return so many 😞
Jackie💖: Poor Shane.
Ilya: ☹️
Ilya: I get you new handbag, this is my thank you?
Jackie💖: No, your ‘thank you’ is getting to wind Hayden up about the girls having a drum kit first, then the Rosanov jerseys arriving next week
Ilya: Will require videos Jackie! Am very excited.
Jackie💖: Haha, of course, I can’t wait to see Jade and Ruby’s reactions either.
Jackie💖: You probably won’t hear anything except screaming on the video, warning you now
Ilya: No no no
Ilya: Jackie
Ilya: Of course Jade and Ruby will be most excited to have number one jersey at last
Ilya: I know this
Ilya: Do not need video for this
Ilya: Video will still be cute
Ilya: But
Ilya: Need video of Pike watching Jade and Ruby open gifts
Ilya: Must zoom in for face of despair
Ilya: I need screenshot on wall in trophy room
Jackie💖: That’s… diabolical.
Ilya: What is this word? I do not know ‘diabolical’.
Jackie💖: It’s another word for evil. Really evil.
Ilya: Ah, you are too kind Jackie.
Ilya: Am evil Russian mastermind, yes, like in James Bond movie
Ilya: Except Pike is not James Bond
Jackie💖: He’s better than James Bond
Ilya: You need head doctor Jackie, something wrong with your brain if you think this 😄 😄 😄
Jackie💖: James Bond is an alcoholic and a liar who cheats on every woman he has a relationship with.
Jackie💖: Hayden is the opposite of that
Jackie💖: And he’s an amazing father and husband
Ilya: Not so amazing, girls not allowed my jersey last time
Jackie💖: Be quiet, you
Jackie💖: Or I’ll start telling you allllllll the reasons why he’s such a great husband
Jackie💖: Starting with our sex life and how thick his-
Ilya: Evil Russian mastermind surrenders
Ilya: Please
Ilya: No more
Ilya: You win
Jackie💖: That’s what I thought 🍆 💦 👀
Worst Pike: Any idea why the drumkit you sent us was exactly the same price as the handbag Jackie just found in Costco?
Ilya: Ah, Shane teaches me the word for this:
Ilya: coincidence.
Worst Pike: You’re shitting me.
Ilya: 🙂
Worst Pike: I hate you.