Chapter Text
Seeing Jack eat was a disturbing sight, so much that he almost made a face. Ralph knew better than to poke the beast, however, and he simply ate his food once it was served to him. When the first bite hit his tongue, he realized why Jack and the rest of the boys were eating like animals. Even now, he couldn’t restrain himself from tearing into the food, even if it was only subpar military-grade protein and carbohydrates. He hadn’t touched bread in months.
Jack finished before him, and he could tell his appetite was not satiated. He would have to wait, though, because this ship was crowded and there was only so much food to go around for them, along with the actual officers aboard this ship. He watched Ralph eat, sizing him up for whatever reason, or perhaps he just wanted to steal his serving. It made Ralph fidget uncomfortably in his too-clean clothing, which rubbed against his skin in a way that made it crawl with unfamiliarity. Eventually he finished his tray, and figured he should get up and walk. He didn’t, held in place by Jack’s steely blue eyes.
They looked at each other, Ralph in confusion and Jack in deeper understanding, or an attempt at it. His eyes still looked weary and irritated from how many tears he had cried, and Ralph suspected he cried more after waking up. The other boys had gone silent while they ate, but as some started to finish up and some started to play, the mess deck had settled into a comforting rumble of mundane activity. Still, some of the older boys who were old enough to understand eyed Jack and Ralph, exchanging glances or confused words about the odd pair. Jack didn’t pay any mind to them and Ralph didn’t betray on his face that he did.
“Come with me,” Jack said and stood up. “Let’s talk.”
Ralph thought this should have happened much earlier. Talking, like adults. He didn’t think that Jack would want to talk, not even now. Jack said it with such authority that Ralph was too afraid to reject it, even if his better sense spoke otherwise. Jack had grown bigger on the island, or maybe Ralph had gotten smaller. Either way his shoulders had gotten broader, even if they were still sharp, and he now stood at an equal level with Ralph. His hair had gained a natural curl to it and hung down to his nape, just barely long enough to pull back if he wanted. His skin was still burnt, but had the echoes of a tan and his already numerous freckles had multiplied, and that was when Ralph realized he was looking too close as they navigated onto the deck. Ralph was unsure whether they were allowed there.
Fresh air hit Ralph immediately. After the initial pleasant feeling, he was hit with a wave of dread and familiarity, the scent of salt and the crispness of air disturbing his mind, who had been recovering in a cove of stuffy, preciseness. The look of Jack’s bleached hair made him shudder, or maybe that was simply the cold.
He thought Jack had forgotten him as he came up to the railing of the ship, looking down at the ocean. Ralph almost went back down, turning away and flinching when he turned back to see Jack looking at him. He joined him at the railing.
“Let’s talk, then,” Ralph said. “I don’t know what you want to talk about. I think that we’ve already talked enough.”
“So you’re telling me you don’t want to talk?” Jack said, not looking at him.
Ralph didn’t reply. Jack turned his head and stared at him. He wasn’t leaving, so Jack continued to speak.
“This is all your fault,” Jack reiterated. “We were lucky. All I wanted to do is have fun,” he said, “and you ruined it. You could’ve had fun too.”
Ralph’s nostrils flared and he felt the first embers of rage in his stomach, accompanied by seasickness.
“We were just playing. Alright? All you did was piss me off,” he continued. “Maybe it did get out of hand. But it wouldn’t have gotten like that if it weren’t for you.” Jack spat these words, yet they were quieter now, half-hearted. Ralph was surprised he didn’t move toward him.
“I was just trying to keep us safe. I wanted the best for us,” Ralph said, itching to run. “You didn’t care about the boys. All you care about is yourself. If you wanted to have fun so bad, I would’ve left you behind.”
“It wasn’t just me!” Jack said, his temper rising. His face and ears started to flush in anger. “They chose me because they wanted the same thing. That’s democracy. That’s fair. You were just being stubborn.” He tightened his grip on the railing. “We got rescued anyway. There are boats coming through all the time. That’s two within a few months. You were just being difficult.”
Ralph took a small step away, sensing the tension rising in his voice. “You’re a murderer,” he said, ready to run back down. His heart was starting to race.
“I was just playing!” Jack snapped, pushing Ralph away. Ralph stumbled, his legs weak. His feet almost sprung away. “It wasn’t my fault!”
“You chose to do that! You chose to hunt me!” Ralph raised his voice, but quickly brought it down again. This was a conversation just for them. “I was trying to keep myself safe. I didn’t want to fight! You fought! You didn’t cooperate! I let you have your fun, and you spat in my face,” Ralph shoved him back, nearly pushing him down onto the cool deck. “Piggy was right. You didn’t listen to us.”
Jack stumbled back at the mention of that name, hands itching to shove or attack or hunt. Instead he stood there, hunched and breathing hard, his freckled face scrunched and entirely flushed with hot anger and offense. The winds picked up over the sea, bring up the waves and crashing them against the boat. Somewhere, a part of them was being pulled by that same, lulling current. Jack looked over the railing as if he thought about pulling both of them overboard for a moment.
“You didn’t listen to me!” he hissed, then suddenly lunged forward.
Ralph let out a humiliating squeak, throwing his hands up and squaring his broad shoulders as Jack tried to push him down. He had gotten stronger at the island, and despite the limited diet, his growth was evident in how easily he pushed Ralph down. Ralph snarled and he thought his heart stopped for a moment. He expected the rough dirt and rocks to hit his back and a spear to pierce his skin before his back his the solid deck, and he found the strength to fight back. Now that he had eaten, he was very aware of how weak he was, especially against Jack. They wrestled on the deck, clumsily, limbs tangling.
Jack dealt a blunt punch to his temple and Ralph hit him back with a knee to the ribs that knocked the air out of him. Jack didn’t relent, hand grabbing his neck and holding him against the deck, knee wedging in his back to pin him down. Ralph squirmed against the deck, gasping as the air was pressed out of his ribs and he found it hard to breathe. Jack didn’t let up, tugging him down with his teeth grit. Ralph’s bones pressed against the deck, enough to leave a bruise on his skin.
“I said I didn’t want to fight! Stop being so difficult and listen to me! You should’ve known better. Everyone else does,” Jack strained as he continued to restrain Ralph, grabbing his hair and pushing his face into the filthy floor. Ralph could feel Jack’s warm breath on his ear as he snarled. Thank the Lord, Ralph thought, that we can brush our teeth now. He was sure the smell of his breath alone would have made him pass out. It would have been funny if he couldn’t feel his heart pounding like a great drum against the deck, so hard he could’ve thought anyone below could hear. He felt himself start to tear up, and his chest seized with a kind of fear that made it impossible to breathe.
“You would’ve gotten us killed,” Ralph sputtered. “You did get us killed—” he lost his words as Jack pushed him down again, hard. This time he leaned all his weight on him, long nails digging into his scalp.
“Shut your stupid mouth,” Jack said, heaving with anger. His entire face had gone red and his ears terribly so, like they were glowing tins of hot metal. Jack continued to heave, forcing the air out of his own lungs like Ralph was holding him down, too. He glanced down to the water and forgot that Ralph was there, eyes losing themselves in the blue of the morning and how the crisp air stung them.
It lasted a short second before Ralph gave a last ditch effort, grunting and trying to pull him off. It was then when Jack saw Ralph’s eyes were wide, constricted and teary, his face flushed as a tear caught on his reddening cheek. Jack looked at him for a moment, the victory hanging over his head as he wondered if he should let him go. Jack supposed Ralph would keep fighting him if he did that, and he was still upset.
“Jack—!” Ralph choked. “I can’t— breathe— please…!” Ralph clenched his eyes shut, and it was only then Jack could actually feel him shaking, and how hard he was breathing, or how hard he was trying to breathe. Their eyes met and a familiar, long-forgotten feeling struck him in the chest. He pulled back as if burnt and stood up, walking backward and nearly tripping over his own two feet.
Jack was quick to wipe his tears. His anger hadn’t subsided. Only now it was accompanied by his heart dropping deep into his still empty stomach, a sickening feeling in his chest and a tingle in his fingers that had just twisted in his golden hair. Ralph gasped for air and stood up, catching himself against the railing, shaking as he gathered himself. He rubbed his chest, adrenaline pumping through every inch of his body just like it had only yesterday. Their eyes locked and there was nothing except the ocean’s waves.
Jack’s hand was covering his own mouth like a pearl-clutching prude. The feeling was strong. Once it had gone for the first time in months, it only took a few minutes for it to come barelling back to him. Now he wasn’t safe. He looked around to see if any of the officers saw their scuffle. The only person was yards away, barely visible around a corner and checking over the railing for something.
Once he had confirmed that they were alone, Jack’s hand fisted and fell to his side, trembling. “Look what you made me do,” he said slowly. “I wouldn’t have done that. We can ignore it now. Move past it. You decided to keep pushing. You know what I can do.”
Ralph’s hands wrapped around the railing. He was breathing hard and only able to focus on his words once he realized he was breathing just fine and unharmed except for a few bruises, which Jack surely had in turn.
“... You didn’t have to do that,” Ralph said quietly.
Jack’s rage subsided. With nowhere to go, it dissipated into nothing, and was absorbed by the deep, suffocating feeling that had compelled him to humiliate himself last night. He stared at Ralph, eyes locking with his before dropping and looking over his thin body. He was right. He didn’t have to.
“You’re stupid for thinking I wouldn’t,” he said, about to turn on his heel and storm off. He didn’t. They still had to talk, he would stick to that. About what he wasn’t sure, still.
Both of them averted their gaze in silence, and Ralph sunk to a seat against the ship’s railing. Jack stayed standing. His eyes and head darted around and about, looking to see if anyone at all could have heard what just happened. When the coast was still clear, he came to lean against the railing, slowly, hesitating.
“... We can’t change it now. It’s already happened, and it won’t happen again if we agree on something,” Jack said. “We have nothing to fight about except what we’ve already fought about. Did you get it all out of your system?” he asked. He hadn’t.
Ralph’s gaze fell on Jack, looking up at him through lashes as he curled up. “... Yes,” he said. It was an evident lie, because another argument lingered on the tip of his tongue, to tell him that he was being ridiculous. It wasn’t Ralph’s fault that Jack couldn’t hold his temper. If he wasn’t terrified of the feeling of being chased or pinned, he would have kept arguing.
“Good,” Jack said.
His body was still tense yet the atmosphere was not thick, not out here in the open with the salty, humid air. Ralph could through himself overboard if he really wanted an out, and maybe that would be a better alternative than listening to Jack slip into his old habits of going on and on about how great he was.
Jack didn’t. Instead, he spoke, too softly and frankly, out of place.
“I wouldn’t have been able to do it. To kill you,” he said. “That’s why I was going to let Roger do it for me.”
Ralph sneered. “Wouldn’t be the first time. You burnt down the whole island and still you wouldn’t have been able to do it yourself? Are you too good for that?”
Jack bristled, but he was tired, and both their tempers were far too excited. “I didn’t want to,” he said, then backtracked. “No, it’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just that…” He started to get frustrated, but more with himself and his sudden lack of articulation. “I wanted to. I was angry. I wanted you to pay.”
Jack finally lowered himself to his level, but faced away, tucking his knees under his chin. Ralph glanced at his side profile. “But I didn’t want you gone,” he said, and Ralph thought it was impossible to say it in a meaner tone. “I knew that Roger could finish the job for sure, and I’d get my deserved revenge without even hesitating.”
His tone faltered. “I just…”
Jack buried his face in his knees, groaning in frustration and running a hand through his tangled, sun-bleached locks. He couldn’t put it into words, let alone form a thought in his mind. He wanted it. He could feel the rage still, the rage of betrayal and savagery, and the satisfaction he got in seeing Ralph run away from him and his superiority. The gratification he got from seeing him squirm and finally smoking him out, and thinking of getting coated in all his blood, taking his head and putting it on a stick as a trophy to prove it to himself. The thought of doing it himself, digging that dull knife into his skin and feeling the flesh give like it would on a squealing pig was exhilarating, exciting. And it terrified him, because what would he have done after?
Maybe the officer would have come still, and he would get off that island with his reward. Or maybe he would rule over that island forever until the last of them died, hunting pigs and dancing to his heart’s content, to live in that victory and superiority. But that would mean there was no Ralph, and did he truly win if he couldn’t win him over in the end?
Ralph looked to him, blonde brows furrowed and eyes peering like a violation of his privacy. Jack straightened, taking his face out of his knees. There was a thought finally forming in his mind, yet it was still stuck far down his throat, deep within the chasm of his dropped stomach.
“If you hated me, then you wouldn’t be talking to me now.”
Jack nodded slowly. His face was still red. Ralph was surprised he hadn’t popped a blood vessel from all that blushing and yelling.
Ralph was starting to get tired of this game, and all of Jack’s games for that matter. He considered getting up and walking, yet maybe he would never find out what he wanted to say so bad if he left now. They would be arriving home soon, and they wouldn’t see each other again. If he left now, he would be left to his own imagination. He hated being left to his own imagination, because his imagination was nasty to him and told him foolish things. He decided to stay for a little longer and would only budge if he got too bored that it got hard to care.
…
“I didn’t want you gone,” he repeated, then took a deep breath that dug the words out of his throat. “I wanted you with me. Alright? You get that? I wanted you with me, because you’re…” Jack glanced at him. “You got everyone to vote for you. You won over me,” he said, trying to stomp on the point and hold it down. “I had to win over you. That’s all I wanted from the first day. That’s why I couldn’t kill you, because it felt unfair and useless if I couldn’t get you to me.”
Ralph nodded. “So what?” he said, more earnestly than he intended.
“... What do you mean, ‘so what’? I just told you what. I wanted you to become part of my tribe because I thought you could be useful.” It was a derisive statement, rather than a praise, like Jack was forced to say it. “I wanted to win. It’s over, though, so I suppose it doesn’t matter,” he said dismissively, turning his head away so Ralph had to stare at the hair reaching down past the nape of his neck. “That’s it.”
It was something both of them knew, and something both of them felt. It was a matter of addressing it, and now that it had been addressed, there was nothing more to do about it. Jack’s admission didn’t make Ralph feel much better, and maybe it made him feel worse. Maybe it was his fault for not giving in. Jack was an unstoppable force. Ralph’s head fell back. The railing was cold and uncomfortable to sit against. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter. It’s already been done, so we should leave it.”
“We should leave it,” Jack said in agreement, but didn’t get up to do so. He sat there, waiting until Ralph got bored and left. Not eagerly. His blush wouldn’t let up. Jack turned his body away.
“So what will we do now?” Ralph said. It was a rhetorical question. They already discussed this, but it was something to fill the silence, something to keep whatever this was going, to disassociate Jack with the pounding of his heart against dirt and spilt blood to pair him with the gentle waves and the salty air of the sea instead. He knew it was a useless endeavor and that he didn’t have the patience or the obligation to take the time and make the change. As he was, Jack made him feel anxious and like he had to run far, far away. Yet still, something anchored him here. Even if Jack was the sea, he was still the sea he had shed blood in.
Jack thought about the question. “I could have you now,” he said. “It’s what I deserve. It’s only fair that I get compensation.”
The words made Ralph’s versatile temper flare again. He get compensation. He’ll have his compensation alright. Ralph should storm right up to the officer and tell everyone what happened, and everyone would have to support him because they had been crying and pitying him, pitying themselves ever since they got on this boat. Because disagreeing would be dishonest and cruel, and they would become worse people for it. They would throw Jack in prison, and he would have to live the rest of his life with Ralph’s compensation. Ralph did not move.
“And how will you have me?” Ralph said, resentfully, looking at the expanse of the deck.
Jack’s jaw tensed. That question rendered him speechless and his face redder than it had been. What did that mean to have someone? He knew he wanted to have Ralph, but without a tribe to have him in, he wasn’t sure how to. Boys had girls by taking them out on dates, marrying them and having babies. Parents had children through authority, control, love, and yet neither sounded correct for them. What could he do to have Ralph?
The moment drew out for too long, filled with the beating of their own hearts and the sound of the sailors working the ship many yards away. There was an invisible timer, ticking down the seconds he had until he lost the opportunity. Opportunity for what? He better decide soon before he couldn’t anymore.
Jack cycled through his options. He could say something and walk away. That’s what he should do. He could smack him and threaten him, yet he had already done enough of that.
Ralph stared at Jack.
Jack suddenly turned around and moved faster than Ralph’s keen senses could comprehend. He was on top of him. Not quite, actually, but it felt like it for a split second, and Jack could almost feel Ralph’s heart beating against him through their shirts and flesh and bones. Jack had never done anything like this before, and it was clumsy. Their noses clashed. His lips were chapped, and he tore a few centimeters away just to lean back in and adjust. At first it was just a firm peck on the lips, like how he’d imagined they were done. He found that their lips didn’t fit together properly that way.
Ralph made a loud, odd noise, his body which was about to resist in preparation for more fighting frozen in an awkward position, where he didn’t know where to put his hands. Their faces were too close, and he didn’t even realize it was a kiss until a few more seconds in. He only resisted at first, and that was when Jack pulled back. Jack’s hands had came up to cradle his neck. “... Sorry,” he said, too quiet. He put a good foot of space between their faces, letting Ralph see him flush once again. He was always blushing, wasn’t he? Ralph thought it was quite ugly, if he was honest. “That was gross.”
Ralph was stumped. He sat there stupidly, looking at Jack, then looking past him. His face turned confused, brows furrowed as he tried to form a response. Yes? No? He was scared. His heart was racing, and he felt like he should run, the same feeling he felt when he was being wrestled today and chased yesterday. He didn’t want to run, and the feeling of another boy’s lips on his was curious. Jack knelt before him, waiting for an answer with an angry, desperate look.
“I guess…” Ralph began, then discarded that thought. “What else are we going to do?” There was no arguing with Jack. Ralph supposed he didn’t despite this agreement. To be had by Jack, just to satisfy him. It felt like he was having Jack, too.
Jack was about to stop before Ralph started to lean back in, squeezing his eyes shut. He tilted his head to avoid his nose and kissed his top lip, teeth clanking when Jack accidentally opened his mouth a bit. Ralph’s brows furrowed as he eased off, the both of them stuck in an awkward press of lips that didn’t quite feel right. Jack’s hand came to hold the back of his head and he scooted forward. Ralph’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him closer as they fumbled through an awkward kiss where they were unsure whether to open their mouths or not.
“Don’t– eugh— don’t use your tongue, that feels–” Jack’s face scrunched, “gross!”
“I’m trying–” Ralph spoke into his mouth, “stop– come on! Go slower!”
Jack grumbled, other hand coming to press on Ralph’s chest to keep him still, feeling his heart pounding under his ribs. Soon, both of them got frustrated with squirming and trying to figure out how to kiss that they pulled apart and then settled into a chaste lock of lips. Neither of them looked particularly enthused about it.
Jack forcefully pulled away like he was attached to him with glue and Ralph sat straighter against the railing, breathing hard with his own face flushed. They stared at each other, lost in the connection, how it happened and what exactly it entailed.
“... That’s how you’re going to have me?” Ralph asked.
Jack paused for a moment. Was it? If it wasn’t, they had done that for nothing. “... Yeah,” he said eventually, standing up and dusting himself off.
He looked around, waiting for something. Ralph sat at his feet, looking into the sky as he swam in his own thoughts. Ralph only got up when Jack offered his hand, pulling him up. They let each other go. Jack wiped his hands on his new shirt. Ralph pulled away like Jack burned. Maybe his hands were just gross from the sweat.
Ralph didn’t know what this meant, or if it meant anything at all. He turned to Jack, still hesitant in his confusion. His stomach fluttered. He licked his lips, fixing his hair and trying to shake off the sweat and heat of the moment.
“... Are you satisfied?” he asked. “Then we can be done with this.”
Jack thought. “For now,” he said, running his hand through his freshly cleaned locks. He turned around and went back into the ship, taking the chance to hide his face.
Ralph didn’t follow him. He stayed behind and returned to looking out onto sea, once again swimming in his own thoughts. Maybe now, Jack would leave him alone. He had came and left another confusing, brain-numbing factor to stew in.
Yet Ralph was starting to believe he didn’t want Jack to leave him alone. Not after everything that they had gone through together against each other. There were the others, yes, but he felt Jack was the only one that understood, and could help him understand.
He would have to give it more thought. Once his mind could get past the kissing.