Chapter Text
Shadow’s leg bounced anxiously during the whole ride to the therapist’s office. This was his choice, and he knew Maddie wouldn’t be angry at him if he changed his mind, but that did very little to ease his nerves. He’d hardly been able to get his breakfast down, thinking about what he was going to do.
His first therapy session was today, and he was terrified.
He watched all of the colorful cars pass by through the window, trying his hardest to keep his breathing steady. He’d assured Maddie that he could handle this, but now that they were actually on their way to meet the therapist, he wanted nothing more than to just go back home and hide under his blankets, cuddled up next to his teddy bear, Daisy.
He felt foolish for it.
His heart dropped when Maddie’s car parked in front of a large, unassuming brown building. It was a few stories tall, and had large windows on its front walls, but Shadow couldn’t see inside yet.
“Feeling alright, baby?” Maddie asked softly.
Shadow tensed without meaning to. “I’m fine, just… worried.”
She reached over and grabbed one of his hands, squeezing gently. “It’s alright to be nervous. Just remember that the therapist only wants to help you, even if talking about the things that happened to you scares you, or hurts. It might not feel like it at first, but you are completely safe here.”
Shadow nodded, though he didn’t fully believe it yet.
He followed Maddie out of the car and into the building, greeted by lightly colored walls and soft, flowery scents. He figured it was meant to be calming, but Shadow’s first thought was always ‘trap’ when he felt that humans were trying to make an unfamiliar space seem comforting. It was fake, meant to make everyone who walked in lower their guard.
This place is safe, Shadow had to remind himself. Maddie wouldn’t lie to him.
It looked like multiple therapists worked out of this building. Upon first walking in, there were two waiting room/lobby areas on either side of the room, separated by a large staircase directly in front of the entrance. Next to the staircase was an elevator, the sight of which made Shadow’s stomach flip.
Elevators meant danger. Elevators meant going down to the lowest levels of the base. Elevators meant going to the surgery room-
“Your therapist’s office is on the second floor.” Maddie said. “Do you want to take the stairs, or eleva-“
“Stairs.” Shadow blurted out, ears folding back when he realized how frail his voice sounded.
Maddie’s brows furrowed a bit, and Shadow knew she’d caught his slip up, but she didn’t mention it. She held her hand out in silent offering, and Shadow hesitantly accepted it, letting her hold his hand as they walked up the stairs to the correct waiting room.
Shadow and Maddie sat down together in the waiting room, surrounded by several empty chairs. There was a small table with a few magazines, and a hallway leading to the therapist’s office.
Maddie released Shadow’s hand as they sat down, and Shadow had to stop himself from protesting.
“We got here a few minutes early, so the therapist is probably still with another client right now.” Maddie explained. “When it’s time for your appointment, she’s going to come out and ask you to go in her office. I’m not going to come in with you, but I promise I’ll be out here the whole time.”
Shadow’s breath hitched. “I have to go in alone?”
“Therapy is private; you need to be able to be completely honest with your therapist. If I was in there, you may end up avoiding certain topics or leaving out details that you don’t want me to hear.”
“…Oh.” Shadow couldn’t deny it, he knew she was right, but knowing that he’d be alone for all of this instantly doubled his worries.
Maddie lifted a hand to gently stroke one of his ears. Despite his heightened anxiety, he found himself leaning into the affectionate touch.
“It sounds scary, but this first appointment will just be about you and the therapist getting to know each other, all of the hard stuff comes later. If at any point it becomes too much for you to handle, I’ll be right here waiting.” Maddie murmured. “Don’t feel bad if you can’t get through the whole session. I know all of this was a bit sudden, and we can always try again later if you need more time.”
“Okay.” Shadow sighed.
“And even if you have to go home early, I’m so proud of you for giving therapy a chance. You’re being very brave, baby.”
Shadow frowned. “How is it ‘brave’ when I’m still scared of doing something so many other people do easily?”
“It’s brave because you’re pushing past that fear. Just because something is easy for others doesn’t always mean it’ll be easy for you.”
“It should be easy.” Shadow huffed. “It’s just talking. I feel stupid for being scared of it.”
Maddie’s hand made its way to Shadow’s shoulder. “You can’t help your fears, Shadow.”
Shadow scoffed. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re never scared.”
Maddie gave him an ironic smile. “You really think that?”
“Isn’t it true?”
“Not even a little.” Maddie chuckled. “Everybody is afraid of something.”
“…What are you scared of?”
Maddie sat back in her chair with a small sigh. “Well, for starters, anyone hurting my babies.”
Shadow smiled a little.
“And puppets. Specifically, horrifying puppets made by my husband.”
That made Shadow laugh. “Dad made a puppet?”
Maddie nodded, looking displeased. “Oh, yeah, and it looked like him, too. Creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. He still doesn’t know where it went.”
“Did you throw it away?” Shadow asked knowingly.
“I burned it.” Maddie deadpanned. She lowered her voice despite nobody else being nearby, and said in a playful tone, “Don’t tell Tom, okay?”
Shadow couldn’t hold back a small giggle. “Got it.”
He startled when he heard the therapist’s office door open, and a man walked out of the hallway, passing the waiting room and quickly leaving. His eyes had been red and puffy, like he’d been crying, which… did not fill Shadow with confidence.
A woman walked out next. She had lightly tanned skin, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, dark blue eyes and glasses with thin black rims. She wore a professional gray jacket over a white sweater, and matching gray pants.
“Ready, Shadow?” She called.
Shadow froze, looking to Maddie in desperation.
One of her hands cupped his cheek, and she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ll be right here waiting, okay? You’ve got this.”
With a slow, shaky exhale, Shadow stood up and followed the therapist down the hallway and into her office. The door shut with a quiet click, and just that small noise was enough to make him flinch.
“I’m Dr. Williams, it’s nice to meet you, Shadow.” The therapist greeted with a kind smile, holding out a hand. Shadow nearly tensed as he shook her hand, unable to find his voice and return the greeting.
To Shadow’s immediate right were two dark gray sofas, each covered in a couple pillows, with a glass coffee table between them, holding only a box of tissues and a small bowl of some sort of candy. Mints, Shadow thought. On the other side of the room was a desk with a clock, and a black bookcase up against the wall next to it. Unlike the waiting room’s light yellow walls, the office’s walls were a soft shade of blue. The office was sparsely decorated with some plants that Shadow suspected were fake, and a couple paintings of random shapes that didn’t really look like anything, just odd splotches of paint. That same flowery scent seemed stronger in here.
The room was too small. He was trapped in an enclosed space with a human he didn’t know and the room was too small and-
No, he wasn’t trapped. The door wasn’t locked, and he could still teleport if necessary. He forced himself to take a deep breath.
The therapist gestured for him to take a seat on one of the couches. “How are you feeling, Shadow?”
Shadow hesitantly sat down on one couch while the therapist sat on the other one, across from Shadow. There was a clipboard lying next to her that she left alone for now.
“…Nervous.” Shadow answered honestly. He knew he was supposed to be honest, even if it felt too vulnerable, or wrong.
“Is this your first time in therapy?”
Shadow nodded, fidgeting with his gloves. She probably could have guessed that, she must have known at least a little about his past, and it wasn’t like the scientists ever cared enough about his mental health to offer him a service like this.
“Well, it’s normal to feel nervous during your first appointment.” Dr. Williams said with a reassuring smile. “For this session, I’d like to learn about you and the situation that brought you here, and what goals you’d like to work toward over the course of our time together. We won’t be delving into any overly harsh topics today, I’ll just be asking some questions about your background, your family, and any struggles you may have in your day to day life, and I’ll be happy to answer any questions you may have.”
That… didn’t sound too horrible. Shadow couldn’t bring himself to relax just yet, uncertain of what kind of ‘questions’ he’d be forced to answer-
No. Not forced. He wasn’t forced to do any of this. Why couldn’t he seem to remember that?
Shadow just nodded again, unsure of what he was meant to say.
“Before we begin, I would like to talk to you about patient confidentiality.” Dr. Williams said, folding her hands in her lap. Shadow found himself hyper-aware of every small movement, instinctively tensing whenever she moved too quickly. “Under almost all circumstances, whatever we talk about in here, I will not discuss with anyone else. All notes and documents of our sessions will be kept securely on the premises, and nobody but me will read them. That being said, there are a few specific scenarios in which this would change. If I felt that you were in danger of being seriously harmed, by yourself or others you know, I am legally required to report that to the proper authorities. Same goes for if it was ordered in a court of law to hand over these documents. The only other time they would leave this office was if I was given your consent to share them with, for example, a medical professional.”
“…Are you… required to tell my parents anything?” Shadow asked quietly. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Tom and Maddie, he just… didn’t want them learning anything new about him against his will. He couldn’t go through that again.
“In most cases, no. Your privacy during these sessions extends to family members as well, and parental involvement will only go as far as you’re comfortable with. The only time I would be required to speak to your parents about anything in these sessions was if I felt that you were at risk of causing yourself severe harm, or if you expressed immediate intent to commit suicide.”
“O-Oh.” Shadow hadn’t meant to open his mouth at all, it was forced out of him in a broken stutter.
Something in Dr. Williams’ expression softened. “I know that may sound intimidating, but it’s only to ensure your safety. You are safe here, Shadow.”
Shadow swallowed. “I understand.”
“Now, what brings you to therapy at this time?” Dr. Williams asked, grabbing the clipboard and pen beside her, resting it in her lap.
And there it was. The question Shadow had been dreading, not just because of how revealing it would be, but because he didn’t know the correct answer.
All he knew was that he didn’t want to feel like shit anymore. He didn’t want to fear humans he didn’t know. He didn’t want to startle awake from nightmares. He didn’t want to panic so badly he hurt himself, or made himself puke, or ran away. He didn’t want to live like this.
But he had no idea how to convey that to the therapist.
“It’s- complicated.” Shadow mumbled. “Do you… already know about my past?”
Dr. Williams sighed softly. “What I do or don’t know already will not affect these sessions, and I plan to start our work together as if there are no records of your past at all. I want to hear whatever you’re willing to tell me in your own words, not someone else’s.”
That… was not the answer Shadow was expecting. His gaze fell to his hands, folded up in his lap. He supposed he should have been relieved that none of the scientists’ thoughts or opinions on him mattered here, but part of him was also anxious at the realization that he would have to talk about everything surrounding the base starting from scratch.
He’d have to remember it all in excruciating detail. What if this caused him to panic? What if he ended up… hurting himself in the middle of a session? Should he tell her that this was a possibility? What if she judged him for it, or thought of him as dangerous because he couldn’t control himself better-
“Shadow?” Dr. Williams called out gently.
Shadow flinched, glancing up at the therapist. How long had he been silent for?
“It’s alright if you don’t have an answer yet.” She said.
Her voice was… reassuring. She spoke softly as she addressed him, like someone would when calling to a frightened animal. Shadow wasn’t used to humans outside of his family being… gentle with him. He didn’t know if he could trust it. The only time the scientists were ever gentle with him was after the worst of their experiments, and even then, it was only occasional.
All of a sudden, he remembered crying his eyes out the first time one of them pet his quills while he was recovering from surgery. The scientist had stayed at his bedside for a couple hours, letting him cry, talking to him, offering him comfort when none of the other scientists would. He’d only been in the base for a week, only showed Shadow a single scrap of kindness, and already he’d treated Shadow far better than the other scientists did.
Gerald fired him immediately. Only Gerald was allowed to decide if Shadow deserved their comfort. Shadow couldn’t even remember the scientist’s name anymore.
“How about we start by talking about your family?” Dr. Williams suggested. “Would that be easier for you?”
Shadow let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Um, yeah. Okay.”
He started by talking about how he’d met them, originally fighting on opposite sides before he’d found them again weeks later. He told her about his time spent living in a cave before his parents adopted him, and how he’d struggled to trust that they only had good intentions. He found himself smiling just a little as he talked about his siblings, and how quickly they’d accepted him as their brother.
The therapist nodded along as she listened to him speak, occasionally asking questions and writing notes. To her credit, she didn’t react at all when hearing about their fights when they first met. Her small, kind smile never wavered, even when Shadow said something that would have earned judgment from most other humans.
At some point, Shadow had begun releasing the tension in his shoulders, not entirely relaxed but a bit less anxious than when he’d first entered the office. This human hadn’t given him any reason not to trust her yet, and he was slowly starting to think that maybe it really was safe here.
Then the therapist asked about his life before he was adopted by the Wachowskis, and all of that stress came rushing back to him.
He tried his hardest to answer honestly, tentatively speaking about how Gerald and Maria took him in after finding him in an asteroid. This was the first time Shadow spoke of Gerald beyond a brief mention since… he’d realized Gerald was abusing him.
It hurt worse than he thought it would. He felt pressure building behind his eyes as he spoke of how he’d thought of Gerald as his father, how much he’d loved Gerald, not realizing that the way he treated Shadow was wrong. He didn’t get into any specifics regarding Gerald’s treatment, and the therapist didn’t pressure him to, holding to her promise that they wouldn’t discuss any harsh topics in detail today.
She asked him about Maria next, and Shadow found it significantly easier to talk about her than Gerald. He even managed a smile as he talked about how they’d spent their time together, watching movies and dancing and skating around the base.
The memories still hurt, knowing how it ended, but it was a bittersweet sort of pain. No matter how badly it hurt to lose her, Shadow was still thankful for the time he’d had with Maria. If she hadn’t been there to take care of him when he’d needed it, showing him how he should have been treated, he didn’t think he ever could have found the courage to trust Tom and Maddie, and become part of a family again.
When it came time to talk about the scientists, he couldn’t help the way he choked up, struggling not to suffocate around the words stuck in his throat.
“Take all the time you need, Shadow.” Dr. Williams said calmly. “It’s perfectly fine if you aren’t able to talk about this yet.”
Shadow nodded, taking a couple minutes to steady his breathing and decide how much he was willing - or able - to speak about. The therapist waited silently, and listened patiently when Shadow nervously began to tell her about the scientists.
It was the whole reason he’d agreed to seek therapy in the first place; he knew he needed to talk about them, but every word out of his mouth was building onto the nausea twisting his stomach in knots.
He left out as many graphic details as possible, only really able to say that they’d hurt him for years before putting him in stasis. He couldn’t say exactly what they’d done, not yet.
The follow up questions Dr. Williams asked were more about his living situation within the base, rather than the specific instances of abuse that took place. Shadow’s heart continued to race, waiting for the therapist to reveal that he would be forced to talk about all of the horrible things that happened to him.
That reveal never came. Dr. Williams stayed calm and polite during the entire session, never pushing Shadow further than he was willing to go. Her questions weren’t invasive, and she prompted Shadow to share what he was willing to with only gentle encouragement, never pressure.
She was… kind. Almost too kind. It felt like a trick.
But Stone had assured him that she was trustworthy, and… Stone was the first human to show him any amount of kindness after he’d broken out of GUN’s imprisonment. He’d introduced Shadow to a very confusing television show, and an odd food called ‘guac’. He didn’t have to do that; he didn’t have to treat Shadow like he was a person. But he did, and Shadow felt like he could trust Stone’s judgment.
Near the end of the session, Dr. Williams asked about what goals he wanted to work toward in future sessions.
Heart stuttering in his chest, Shadow timidly admitted to his struggle with his anxiety, which later devolved into self-harm and issues surrounding food. He was still reluctant to say ‘disorder’, but Dr. Williams seemed to understand nonetheless.
“…I just want to feel… normal, one day.” Shadow sighed, arms wrapped around his stomach protectively. “I-I don’t like having panic attacks, or- or hurting myself. But it’s like I’m reminded of what happened and I just can’t stop myself.”
“How often do you have panic attacks?” Dr. Williams asked, writing something in her notes.
Shadow shrugged. “Once or twice a week… maybe more during a bad week. It didn’t used to be this bad, but it got worse recently.”
“Have you found anything that helps with them?”
“Not really. My parents try to help, but they’re both at work a lot, so I usually end up on my own when it’s happening.”
“Well, there are a few methods you could try to distract yourself from the panic, and even force your brain to focus on something else instead of the panic until it passes.”
Dr. Williams gave Shadow a short list of things he could try the next time he finds himself experiencing a panic attack. Shadow didn’t quite understand how any of it was meant to help, even after the therapist explained the reasoning behind why panic attacks might occur so frequently, and how to ‘trick’ his brain into snapping out of the panic quickly. But he was desperate enough to try almost anything at this point.
Dr. Williams looked back toward her desk, checking the clock. “We have five more minutes in our session. Is there anything else you would like to discuss, or any questions you have about all of this?”
Shadow blinked in surprise. How had it already been almost an hour?
He shifted in his seat. “Um, there were a couple questions I had, but… is- is it alright if I ask about your time working with GUN?”
Dr. Williams’ face didn’t change, but she sat up a bit straighter at the mention of GUN. “There are certain things relating to GUN that I’m forbidden from talking about in any capacity, but I understand that your past experiences with the organization may cause issues if you feel like you cannot trust me because I used to work for them. I’ll try to answer any questions you have about it, but I might not be able to answer everything.”
Shadow nodded in understanding. “I was just wondering- why did you stop working for them?”
For the first time during the whole session, Dr. Williams’ slight smile briefly faltered, replaced with something sadder. It was gone in an instant, but Shadow still caught it.
“When I first became a GUN agent, I’d believed that the work they did was for the benefit of humanity. I wanted to help protect people- save lives, and I thought that working for GUN was the best way to do that.” She let out a short exhale, almost a dry chuckle. “I was wrong. I can’t give the details surrounding my departure, but I fully believe that I made the right call. And I think the work I do now helps more people than the work I did for GUN.”
Something tight in Shadow’s chest gradually began to loosen.
“Oh… so I don’t have to worry about you giving me up to them, right?” He asked, only slightly concerned.
In the span of a moment, Dr. Williams’ expression turned serious. “The health and safety of my clients is my top priority. I would never, under any circumstances, do something that would intentionally put you in harm’s way.”
Shadow let out a slow breath. “O-okay, I understand.”
“You mentioned having another question?”
“Yeah, um, h- how long are people… usually in therapy for?” It might have been a stupid question, but just a single session had been nerve-wracking enough. If this was something he was going to do long-term, he needed to mentally prepare himself for however long it would take.
Dr. Williams hummed. “Well, that usually depends on the client’s needs. For cases of mild anxiety or depression, the client may only require a few sessions, whereas those with more complex trauma may need anywhere from six months to a few years to work through everything and reach their specific goals.”
Years.
Shadow’s ears folded back, dejected. He knew how severe his situation had been, and could only assume that he was in the ‘worst case scenario’ timeframe.
“I understand that may be difficult to hear, but there’s no real way to know how you’ll respond to this form of treatment yet. Don’t let other people’s experiences discourage you, Shadow.” Dr. Williams said softly.
“I just want to stop feeling shitty already.” Shadow blurted out, unable to hold back his frustration.
Dr. Williams gave him a sympathetic look. “Learning how to cope with trauma takes time, and trying to rush the process will only cause more damage in the long run. No matter how much you may want to ‘get it over with’, the best thing you can do for mental health is take as much time as you need to fully process everything that happened to you.”
Shadow almost wanted to argue that he didn’t need to ‘process’ what happened- he knew what had been done to him, he’d been there. But when he really thought about it, he knew that it was wrong. He hadn’t even realized that he’d been abused until a few weeks ago. He never thought to question the treatment because he’d taken the scientists’ words at face value, believing them when they said it was all to ‘protect’ him.
“…I’ll try.” Shadow mumbled.
Dr. Williams nodded. “Alright, if you’d like to continue these sessions, you can discuss the time and frequency with your mom, and she can book your next appointment, but there’s no pressure to decide immediately. You can always choose to find a different therapist if you feel like someone else would be a better fit for you.”
Shadow almost wanted to laugh. He doubted he’d ever find another human who could handle hearing about his past unless they were directly involved. But he didn’t say any of that out loud.
“Got it.”
Dr. Williams stood up, and Shadow followed suit.
“Thank you for opening up to me today. I know how scary this all seems at first, but you did really well.” She said as she led Shadow out of her office.
Shadow ducked his head, unable to help a shy smile.
Maddie was still in the waiting room, just like she’d promised, only this time there was one other person waiting in a chair nearby. She’d been looking at something on her phone, but put it away immediately when she heard Shadow enter. The therapist called her next client into her office while Shadow returned to Maddie’s side.
“How did it go, baby?” Maddie asked, standing up from her chair.
Wordlessly, Shadow all but threw himself at Maddie, hugging her tight and hiding his face in her shirt. Maddie instantly began petting his quills, ready to calm him down if needed.
He could feel his heart racing like he’d just done something wrong, but he tried to ignore it, clinging to Maddie and focusing on the way her fingers lovingly carded through his quills.
“That was… hard.” Shadow said, slightly muffled. “But not bad.”
“Yeah?” He could hear the smile in Maddie’s voice. “Do you wanna come back?”
Shadow nodded. It wasn’t nearly as horrible as he thought it would be, even when he’d been talking about… Gerald. It hadn’t been easy, but if it meant feeling better one day, then he could handle it.
Maddie knelt down to hug Shadow properly. “You did such a good job today, baby.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek, making his muzzle heat up.
“Mama, someone could walk in.” Shadow grumbled, making no real move to stop her.
Maddie laughed. “Aww, am I embarrassing you?”
“No.” Shadow scoffed, muzzle suspiciously green. “I’m just ready to go home. I’m tired.” He paused. “But not… physically, if that makes sense?”
“Yeah?”
Shadow nodded. Hesitantly, he added, “I want cuddles.”
Pathetic. Too childish. You’re better than this-
Maddie laughed again, squeezing Shadow tighter before letting him go. “We can cuddle when we get back home, if you want.”
Shadow’s tail wagged the entire walk back to the car.
For the first time in- he didn’t even know how long, he felt hopeful that he might one day recover from everything the scientists did to him. Talking about them hurt, and it would take time, but now he knew that he could do it.
Things would only get easier from here, right?