Chapter Text
Shane woke the next morning to the sound of shuffling feet. He stretched and immediately felt the uncomfortable tugging in the back of his throat. He made a little noise of discomfort, which drew Ilya's attention and only then did Shane realize that he wasn't on the bed next to him.
Ilya stood from the side table and quickly shuffled the papers in front of him out of Shane's sight.
“How are you feeling моя любовь? Do you need water?”
Concern was etched across Ilya's face and he didn't seem to realize he'd spoken russian but Shane didn't miss it. Or the papers he was hiding.
“I'm okay. What does that mean? And what are you hiding.”
Ilya turned a little pink and Shane couldn't tell if it was out of embarrassment or shame.
“Is nothing. I am just asking how you are.”
“Well my throat's a little sore and my chest is killing me but other than that I'm fine.”
Ilya finally moved away from the table.
“I will get nurses. Tell them you need more pain medication.”
“No it's okay just…”
With Ilya out of the way, Shane caught a glimpse of the papers he'd left behind. Page after page of handwritten Russian to English translations.
Shane grabbed them. His eyes blurred as he tried to process what he was reading. Ilya must've spent all night translating the new medical terms and procedures they'd learned about. It'd been hard enough for Shane to grasp in English. He hadn't even thought about how difficult it would've been for Ilya.
“Jesus did you even sleep?”
Ilya scratched the back of his neck.
“I just wanted to make sure I understood.”
Shane tried to get off the bed and immediately winced as fresh pain bloomed across his collarbone.
“I will get nurse.”
“No. Stay please. I can just use the call button.”
Ilya resumed his position on Shane's bed, holding him against his chest, as they waited for the nurses to come.
They talked him through his updated pain management schedule and his feeding schedule. Shane felt panic well in his chest. Somehow he felt even worse about having to eat now. Even if it wasn't solid food.
“Can I talk to my parents first. Before we start.”
He was stalling but he didn't care. The longer he went without eating the better, and he really did need to talk to his parents.
“Of course. I'll have Dr. Valmera come in when they get here.”
Shane curled back up against Ilya's chest and waited for them to come.
Half an hour later, another new doctor entered the room.
“Hi Shane. I'm Dr. Fabrin, the on-site psychiatrist.”
Dr. Fabrin seemed a little caught off guard at the scene he walked in on, Shane cradled in Ilya's arms, but he didn't say anything.
“I can come back if this is a bad time.”
Shane huffed out a breath.
“No it's fine. We're gonna have to talk eventually right?”
Dr. Fabrin smiled.
“You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to but I think you need to talk to someone. I hear that you're refusing to eat.”
Shane was caught off guard. Who was this guy? Coming in accusing him of…that? It wasn't even really true he'd just asked to talk to his parents.
“No. That's not…I just want to talk to my parents first is that a problem?”
He couldn't keep the irritation out of his voice. Ilya seemed to notice as he brought his hand down to rub the back of Shane's.
“It's not a problem at all, I'm just worried you're using this as an attempt to delay eating.”
“Worried? You don't even know me.”
Shane was bordering on angry now. He was sick of being sick.
“I'm not stupid. I know I need to eat and I will as soon as you leave.”
Dr. Fabrin raised his hands in surrender.
“Okay, I'll leave. But I really think you should talk to someone Shane, there's nothing wrong with-”
“GET OUT.”
“Okay. I'll leave these here just in case.”
Dr. Fabrin left a stack of brochures at the end of his bed and left the room.
Shane was breathing heavy and his heart was racing. He rubbed his hands over his face. He couldn't believe he was acting like this. His eyes watered with tears of anger, mostly toward himself.
“What's wrong with me? That was so mean. I should apologize.”
Ilya wiped away the tear that had fallen.
“You are just upset. It is hard but you are very brave.”
“Brave? I just threw a fit like a 2 year old.”
“But you are still trying. That is brave.”
Before Shane could come up with a response, his parents came in, followed by Dr. Valmera and a few nurses.
Yuna and David were by his side in seconds. Hugging him, asking about his pain, they didn't seem surprised by the tube so he figured Dr. Valmera must've warned them. When Yuna pulled back from him, her eyes were wet.
“Dr. Valmera told us she would explain everything that's happened since we left.”
So Shane sat with Ilya by his side as he watched Dr. Valmera tell his parents what he'd done to himself and her plan to fix it. Shame burned inside his stomach as he watched his parents faces fall. Confronted with the broken notion of their once perfect son.
“I'm sorry.”
His voice was small again, and his head was down. He couldn't look his parents in their eyes.
“Oh, no.”
Yuna was at his side again.
“Look at me.”
Shane did.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, you hear me.”
She wrapped her arms around her son and for the first time in a long time, Ilya remembered what that felt like.
After a minute, when tears had been shed and faces had been wiped, Dr. Valmera spoke again.
“Okay Shane, it's time.”
Shane knew immediately what she meant. The realization hit him that he actually didn't remember the last time he'd eaten. His face must've given him away because Dr. Valmera's voice softened.
“If you want I can walk your parents through how to administer your food. That way they can help you.”
Shane bit his lip. A million thoughts were going through his head. The calorie count of the formula. How soon he could get out of this hospital bed so he could start working it off. How long he'd have to starve to compensate for it.
“Shane.”
He heard his name but it was like his head was underwater. Like he was a million miles away from everyone and everything he knew and loved. He felt a hand on his face.
“Shane?”
It was Ilya. He gently tilted Shane's chin so he could look him in the eyes.
“You can do this. I know it is scary but we are right here with you. I am right here with you. And I am not going to leave. Okay?”
Shane took a deep shaky breath and nodded.
"Okay.”
Ilya nodded to Dr. Valmera and she started explaining the process. Shane barley stopped himself from covering his ears. His brain was still telling him that this was a bad idea. He'd long since tuned Dr. Valmera out when he heard the words-
“Alright, here we go.”
Shane watched the formula get pushed out of the syringe and into his stomach. Internally, he was panicking, but on the outside he managed to keep his cool by taking slow, even breaths and focusing on Ilya's hand in his. He was doing fine until he wasn't. It was like drinking a cold glass of water on a hot day. He could actually feel the formula settling in his stomach. It was all too much. His chest started to feel tight. His hands started to sweat. His mouth started to water.
He was going to be sick. He couldn't do this. He squeezed Ilya's hand.
“It is almost over моя любовь.”
Shane recognized the phrase from earlier but he still didn't know what it meant. He turned slightly to question Ilya again and for the first time noticed how tired he looked. Dark circles rimmed his eyes which had taken on a stormy quality and his height made the sag to his shoulders more evident. Shane had been so busy freaking out and acting childish that he'd once again completely ignored the toll all this had taken on Ilya.
“You should go back to your hotel.”
Shane chewed on his lip, the feeding tube for once at the edge of his mind instead of the forefront. How could he ask Ilya to do any of this? Hold his hand while he cried, spend hours doing research, forgo sleeping, when they weren't even technically a couple.
“You want me to leave?”
“You didn't sign up for any of this. I can't ask you to stay with me, you have a life, your coach is probably worried, hell you have a game tomorrow and you haven't slept in two days.”
Ilya thought for a moment, carefully organizing his thoughts before finally settling on one short, but impactful phrase.
“You did not ask.”
Before he could continue, Dr. Valmera spoke.
“Alright Shane, you're all done for now. I'm gonna monitor your vitals and see how well your body adjusts to the formula.”
Shortly after flushing his tube, she took her leave, the nurses trailing behind her.
“And I can miss one game.”
“No you can't, not with the playoffs coming up.”
“I think I will decide what I can and can not do, Shane.”
Ilya was starting to get irritated. How could Shane not see this for what it was.
“I am here because… you are the only thing I care about … because I want to be. You did not force me to be here and I am not going back to hotel.”
“Ever?”
Ilya smiled.
“Maybe, eventually. When you leave.”
Shane rolled his eyes but there was no annoyance behind it.
“I'll get sick of you before then.”
“Too bad.”
Ilya playfully threw himself onto the bed, jostling Shane and making him laugh, actually laugh for the first time in months.
“You are stuck with me.”
“Okay you two.”
Yuna and David had been watching them with smiles on their faces.
“We'll get out of your hair. Text us if you need us Shane, okay?
“Okay mom.”
“And you…”, Yuna said, looking at Ilya, “get your ribs checked out while you're here.”
She followed David out the door before Ilya could question her.
“How does she…”
“She's a little obsessed with hockey.”
“Yes I see where you get it from.”
“Seriously you can't skip tomorrow's game.”
“Oh my gosh not this again.”
“You can't ditch your team two weeks before the playoffs. You're their captain.”
“But what if you need me to hold your hand.”
“That's not a good enough reason.”
“I think it is.”
“So you're gonna call your coach and tell him you can't play for the rest of the season because your boyfriend needs you to hold his hand.”
“If you want me to, yes.”
Ilya was chuckling now and smiling from ear to ear.
“What's so funny?”
“You called me your boyfriend.”
Shane's ears turned pink.
“I didn't…it just slipped out.”
“You did not mean it?”
“No, I mean I don't know? Are we?
“I think so, yes, probably.”
Before Shane could say anything back, Dr. Valmera returned to check on him. She took his vitals and listened to his stomach.
“Everything seems to be just right.”
Ilya spoke from behind her.
“Doctor, I am wondering how long my boyfriend will have to stay here.”
Dr. Valmera didn't seem to note the blush on Shane's cheeks as she answered.
“Well if everything stays the same I think we should be able to connect him with an inpatient treatment program and discharge him tonight.”
“Inpatient. That means I'd stay at another facility?”
“Yes. For the time being I'd recommend an inpatient program but there are outpatient options as well.”
“And would my boyfriend be required to stay there long?”
Ilya was barely containing a laugh.
“Ilya.”
“What? I am just making sure you are well taken care of.”
Shane shot him a ‘knock it off’ look.
“It would be entirely up to him since he'd be voluntarily admitting himself.”
“Thank you doctor. I am sure my boyfriend is happy to hear that.”
Shane cringed for the umpteenth time.
“Alright, if you have any more questions, feel free to have one of the nurses page me.”
Dr. Valmera left with a small smile on her face.
“Oh my god what is wrong with you.” Shane groaned.
“I do not know what you are talking about.”
“What if she goes and tells people?”
“Who, the nurses? They already know.”
Shane huffed.
“Besides, they can not say anything. What is it called. Hippo.”
“HIPAA?”
“Yes that.”
“I don't think that's how it works.”
Ilya waved his hand.
“Then I will just give money like I did last night.”
“You what?”
“Why do you think they let me stay overnight?”
Shane rubbed his hand over his face.
“You bribed the hospital?!?”
Ilya shrugged.
“Only front desk… and security guard.”
“Jesus.”
“Honesty is not big deal. Is just money. I do not see the issue.”
“You can't just bribe your way through life.”
“You are telling me you have never bribed anyone?”
“No.”
“Oh my gosh Hollander you are so boring.”
“I'm not boring I just don't throw my money around like an asshole.”
“Oh so I am asshole for running here last night?”
Shane stopped smiling.
“You ran?”
“Maybe.”
Once again Shane was caught off guard by the lengths Ilya was willing to go to for him. He didn't understand it.
“Now.”
Ilya shuffled to the bottom of the bed and picked up the brochures that had been left there earlier.
“Where to next?”