Chapter Text
The birds.
The sound that birds make in the morning.
That's the first thing Ilya noticed.
He didn't know if he slept. He also didn't know when Shane left.
He was just looking at the wall, for hours.
Shane wanted to kill himself.
Shane had wanted to die.
~
Shane was standing in front of him. Ilya was still in the hospital bed.
He had changed into his own clothes. The nurses told him he could go home soon.
He didn't know what soon meant.
"I need you to know that it's not your fault. I need you to know that I never thought about it before…it just happened."
Ilya didn't understand.
How could something like this just happen?
Shane took a deep breath.
"I…uhm, I felt lost. It felt like I was loosing you and everyone else. And I didn't understand."
Ilya just nodded.
He did not understand either.
"You were so far away. And I was scared all the time. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think anymore, Ilya. Everything was taken from me. All that I had left was my worry for you and your life. My life was gone."
His voice was trembling, he had to take a deep breath and let the tears escape his eyes.
"You never asked me how I was doing."
His voice broke. He put his hands to his face, covering the tears.
He was fully sobbing now, again.
Ilya didn't know what to do. He was frozen.
"In three months, you have not asked me a single time how I was feeling. Not once, Ilya. And I was drowning. I was fucking…I lost it. I completely lost myself and all I could think about was you."
Now Ilya was crying as well. He got out of bed, trying not to rip out his IV.
That stupid thing that saved him, his life, his body, his soul.
Where was Shane's soul?
How did he not notice?
He hugged him, tight.
"I am so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, Shane. I was so selfish…I didn't, I really did not notice…"
Shane interrupted him.
"No, stop that. I blamed myself for your attempt, I said I was selfish. I do not need you to keep doing the same thing because of me. That's not why I told you."
He looked into Ilya's eyes, just for a moment everything went quiet again.
"I am telling you all of this because I never explained why I left."
Ilya looked away.
He didn't want to know, he didn't need to know.
"Why did you leave then?"
Ilya sat down on the bed. Shane was quiet for a few minutes.
Then, he sat down next to Ilya.
"Because staying with you meant that I would have died. I would be dead and you wouldn't even notice."
Ilya swallowed hard.
As much as he wanted to prove to both himself and Shane that it was not true, he knew that Shane was right.
He didn't notice.
"Why did you…?"
He couldn't say the words out loud.
Why did you want to kill yourself?
It was stupid. People don't think about why they want to kill themselves if they decide to kill themselves.
They just do.
It is irrational, it makes no sense.
"I don't think I really wanted that, to be honest. I don't even remember. It felt like I was gone. I hadn't slept in days. I was so tired. My head was fuzzy and everything was so blurry. I made coffee. I went upstairs and brought you breakfast. I went back downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. I drank my coffee. I went to the garage."
Shane took a deep breath.
Ilya took his hand and squeezed it.
"Everything was on autopilot, you know? I was doing things because I had to do them, I knew that. I couldn't feel anything. The coffee was not hot even though I saw steam coming from my mug. I washed my hands and the water was supposed to be cold, like really fucking cold, and it wasn't. I couldn't even feel the water, like…it was not even there."
Ilya nodded, he felt his own tears run down his cheeks.
"I thought that I was gone already. Because when you're human, you're supposed to feel those things. But I didn't. I could not feel anything, and I couldn't think anymore. It was blank. Like everything was ripped out of me. Everything that made me human. That's when I went to the garage. Because I knew we had ropes there. My mind just told me, it told me to go and get a rope. And I did. Because I was tired of fighting it all. I thought…I thought that if I was gone already, if my soul was gone, then I could leave as well."
Shane couldn't talk anymore, he was choking on his own tears. He took a few breaths before continuing.
"I stood there, and I thought about nothing. I don't know how long. I remember snapping out of it when Anya started whining at the door. It was not so quiet and scary anymore."
Shane turned away from Ilya, he couldn't look him in the eyes.
"After that, I knew that I had to go. I needed to keep myself alive. I needed to be my own priority for once. And to be honest, I really lost all my strength while trying to keep you alive. I lost my own will to live and that's fucking scary, Ilya."
Ilya just nodded. He knew how scary things could get.
"I know, Shane. And I don't blame you for leaving…not after what you told me now."
They sat in silence for a while.
It felt endless.
~
Ilya was allowed to go home in the afternoon. His vitals were stable enough, finally.
His doctor told him about inpatient treatment, but Ilya just shrugged it off.
He didn't need it.
He would go back to Galina.
They would talk. She would fix him.
She wouldn't.
Ilya needed to fix himself.
He did not want to go back to the place where he almost lost his life, it felt intimidating.
Luckily, he had Yuna with him right now.
Shane was back home, resting. Ilya was worried.
Did Yuna know about it all?
Probably not, he thought.
"Ilya, honey…we would like you to stay with us for the first couple days."
She said to him as soon as the doctor left.
He didn't say anything. He just nodded.
That was good, at least he would be around people. And hopefully around Shane.
Oh God, Shane.
Ilya’s heart hurt when he thought about their talk yesterday. It really was his fault.
How could you fix something like that?
He didn't know.
He had no answers left in him.
It was empty.
He was off the meds for too long now, the really bad empty ugly feeling came back up.
He hated it. He hated all of it.
~
Ilya went to bed as soon as he could.
The guest room was too bright. The windows were bigger, the curtains too short.
Ilya couldn't fall asleep.
Shane was somewhere downstairs, probably having dinner with his parents.
And Ilya was all alone upstairs.
It's not like he wanted to, his body just felt really heavy.
He did not feel like eating, or moving, or talking.
He felt the aftermath of his attempt.
He wanted Shane.
He really, really wanted Shane right now.
Maybe Shane was a mind reader, because just minutes after Ilya thought about it, the door creaked open.
Shane stepped inside, took off his clothes and got under the covers next to Ilya.
He did not touch him, nor did he say anything.
He just laid there, not moving at all.
Then, Ilya heard faint sobs.
He turned around carefully.
He and Shane were face to face now, their noses millimetres away from touching.
He looked into Shane's eyes.
It felt like the most intimate thing in the whole world right now.
Ilya reached out to touch Shane's cheek.
"You're a ghost, Ilya."
Shane sobbed.
Ilya didn't understand.
He wasn't a ghost, he was here.
"Shane, I…I don't really understand."
Shane moved back slightly.
"I just…fuck. I really thought I could do this. But I look at you and all I can see is you from before we broke up. I don't know how to…"
Ilya interrupted him.
"Before you broke up with me, Shane. I never agreed to that."
He was angry now. He was trying. He was not dead. He was trying to stay alive and get better.
Why couldn't Shane see it?
"Yeah, I did that. I am sorry that I tried to keep myself alive. I can't keep two people in this world at the same time, Ilya. Because look what happened as soon as I left you…you just did that. You did the one thing you promised me you would never do. And all just because I was not there anymore. I am not your goddamn saviour, Ilya. You have to understand that."
Shane raised his voice. Shane rarely ever raised his voice at Ilya.
He did. He was mad.
He was really fucking mad.
"Oh, okay sure. No one fucking asked you to be my saviour."
Ilya rubbed his eyes aggressively.
"You did all of this. You saved me, I did not ask for it. I wanted to be dead. And you know why? You fucking don't. I feel horrible all the time, Shane. Every good thing I ever felt was connected to you. Our friends, your family, you. All these things are you, you, you. And I loved that. I felt that I had a safe space somewhere. And then you left and broke all of that."
Ilya took a deep breath.
"I know that I have not been good the last months. But you know why, you knew what had happened and why I felt that way. I could not just shut it off."
Shane knew.
Shane knew because he was with Ilya when he got the call from Sveta.
Shane was with him when Sveta told him that one of their old best friends had died.
Maksim had killed himself.
Ilya had not spoken to him in years.
They grew apart a long time ago.
But he loved him, he loved him as a friend, as a person.
He knew him since they were little.
Ilya spiralled after that.
He was infected.
He was poison.
Everyone around him was ready to die at their own hands.
His mama, Maks, Shane.
Ilya.
He was a massive black hole, sucking everyone he loved into it.
He was bad.
Really, really fucking bad.
What was wrong with him?
"I know. I am sorry, Ilya. I did not mean it like that."
Shane said quietly.
"I know."
Ilya whispered.
They didn't speak for a long time after that. Neither of them knew what to say.
Ilya turned around to the side, not being able to face Shane right now.
Shane remained on his back, not moving.
"Ilya, I…I almost lost my life back then. But I also almost lost my life when you…when you did that. And I can't let that happen again. I can't let you die again."
Shane sniffled.
"I know."
Ilya said while turning around to face Shane again.
"But I don't know how to make it better, Shane."
He said quietly.
"I know."
Shane sat up, adjusting his pillow behind his back.
"It's the best thing in the world, being with you. But sometimes…sometimes it's the worst. And I hate that I feel this way."
Ilya nodded.
"And I don't really know what to do about it, you know? I love you. I love you so incredibly much that it hurts everywhere. And I want…I need to be with you. I need you."
Ilya got up as well. He hugged Shane.
He looked into his eyes.
"I love you. Let me try again. Let me show you that I can."
Shane didn't say anything. He just nodded.
He ran his hands through Ilya’s curls. He didn't look away from his eyes.
Ilya brought his hand up to Shane's chin.
Then, he kissed him.
It was the first time they had kissed in almost a month.
Shane kissed back.
He held Ilya close to him, his lips felt so soft and Shane couldn't stop.
He missed this so much, he didn't even realise.
After what felt like hours, when their lips were already red and swollen, Shane slowly pulled back.
He rested his own forehead against Ilya’s.
"I missed you."
Ilya smiled.
"I missed you more."