Chapter Text
Vodka tossed around in her heavy winter bedding, the insides of the sheets had begun to feel hot and suffocating again. She didn’t bother to count exactly how many times she’d rolled herself over into a new position, but she knew it had been more than usual.
Her eyes had remained open all the while, staring down into her various comforters, quilts, blankets, and ruffled surfaces of the pillows. Vodka didn’t know why, but her eyes leaked unwanted tears as she held them open. She tightened her arms around the pillow she held to her waist, trying to trick herself into believing it was the embrace of someone else.
This new routine of disrupted sleep had been present for the past week. She’d begun to dread the night and the isolation it brought her. She had been spending as much time as possible with her other classmates during the day, even competing more with Scarlet when she couldn’t be with Gimlet, just to buy a few extra minutes away from the odd smothering feeling that invaded her mind when she was alone.
To her continued frustration, she didn’t even know why she was feeling this way to begin with. She had just started being emotionally chilled and clingy, wishing for the imagined warmth of another person’s touch.
Vodka would never outwardly admit to the idea of wanting to hold someone else, let alone levying the notion of any particular person… not that there was one to her. She craved the idea of a mutual hug — and she couldn’t exactly deny that to herself — especially after the last week of her trying to pretend she was falling asleep in another’s arms.
She internally cringed. She had been reading too many of Scarlet’s romance manga, maybe they had corrupted her into thinking she wanted some sappy cuddle session.
Vodka’s eyes opened further, and her body stiffened.
She sat up, the blankets covering her shoulders falling to her waist as she craned her body over to see the opposite side of her room. Scarlet lay flat on her back, breathing barely audible, and her eyes covered in a night mask. She looked asleep to Vodka, but she wasn’t completely certain.
Scarlet may have contributed to these feelings, so maybe she could make up for them.
Vodka shed the rest of her blankets and planted her feet on the cold wooden floor. The chill of the winter night clung to her bare arms and legs. She almost regretted sticking with her usual large t-shirt and shorts instead of picking a similar style to the near head-to-toe pajamas Scarlet favored. Almost….
Just as she began to stand herself up off the bed, the reality of what she was thinking set in
What was she really trying to do? Go over to Scarlet, complain to her about her problem, and then blame her for the reason? Vodka slumped back onto her bed as she considered.
She really was getting nowhere fast with just trying to will herself asleep. Maybe Scarlet could help her? The idea made a part of Vodka’s pride shrivel slightly, but it felt more enticing than the suffocating isolation she drowned in.
Vodka got to her feet again, and carefully stepped across the room, trying to feel confident in her actions, like her more level-headed self.
“Hey um… Scar-“ She began to say quietly, “I mean, Scarlet.” She quickly changed her referral to her roommate, not wanting her to bicker back over Vodka’s nickname for her like she normally would.
She saw her roommate languidly shuffle around, letting her head roll to the side. “...what is it?” Scarlet whispered.
Every fiber on Vodka’s skin jumped and crawled, inklings of reality bubbling to the surface of her mind despite how badly she tried to bury them away. Was she actually doing this?
“I was just falling asleep.” Scarlet half whined out, sitting up in bed.
“I…” Vodka cringed at how pathetic she sounded as she stammered for words. Her eyes darted around as she awkwardly adjusted her posture. “I wanted to know if….”
“Vodka, I’m falling asleep sitting up,” Scarlet said with a tired irritation, “Just tell me what it is.”
Scarlet lifted her hands out of her covers and lightly grabbed the edge of her blankets. Vodka’s throat tightened as she realized her roommate was preparing to get out of bed to help her if she needed it.
“Could… Could you… hold me?” She barely got the words out as a whisper, more like a wheezed croak if anything. Vodka instantly regretted every action in her life that had led her to this moment.
“…What?” Scarlet asked after a long second, her tone deadpan and her body still as stone. Vodka felt like she was burning up, her nerves lighting an internal fire of panic within her.
“O-or just- uh…” Vodka quickly began to say, hoping to mitigate any presumptions that Scarlet might make of her. “Hug me…?”
“A-are- are you joking Vodka…? Cause this isn’t funny.” Scarlet followed up, her tone casting a clear warning to her roommate.
“Damn it, I'm being serious!” Vodka exclaimed in a whispered yell, trying to keep her voice at least somewhat quiet.
Scarlet looked over to her, and brought her night mask up to her forehead, making a mess of her bangs. Her red snake-like eyes met Vodka’s in the dusk-lit light of the room, looking her up and down with extreme caution as she waited to hear what her roommate had to say.
“S-Sorry… it’s just um….” Vodka continued to sputter, bringing a hand up to rub at her exposed forearm, looking away as she gathered her words for an explanation. “It’s been a while, and I don’t know the last time I’ve just been hugged, o-or anything really.”
Her words hung in the air again. Vodka couldn't meet Scarlet’s eyes as an embarrassed blush consumed her face. In the quiet after her confession, a pinch of hope resonated within Vodka that maybe Scarlet understood what she meant.
“Hold on, let me see if I’m understanding this correctly,” Scarlet said as she shuffled further out of her covers, sitting up straighter and pulling her night mask fully off her face.
Vodka heard a familiar anticipating drawl in Scarlet’s tone. She hated the sound of it. It was reserved almost exclusively for when Scarlet realized she was getting something over on her.
“You want me to cuddle you?” Scarlet said, while bringing a hand up to her chest to accentuate her words.
“H-hey!” Vodka quickly said, no longer in a whispered voice.
Scarlet snickered slightly at first. Then a low string of giggles began to crescendo as her lips curled into a mocking grin.
“I… never said cuddle, just… hold for a bit is all.” Vodka tapered her words off into a murmur. She realized the explanation to try and save face was just for her as Scarlet began to outright laugh.
“Oh my Godessess,” Scarlet said after a moment, trying to catch her breath between words. “This is amazing. I don’t know if you could ever live this down Vodka,” she said, with a finger pointed at her roommate.
Vodka’s expression soured from a dejected and trepidatious pout to a scowl, as her lips trembled and her eyes began to naturally well with tears again.
“Fine then!”
Vodka barely realized she was on her side of the room again before throwing herself down onto the mattress. She pulled her blankets around her and curled up facing the wall, trying to block out Scarlet’s snickering.
Vodka buried her head partly under the sheets, moving a pillow between her and her rival. She got back into the familiar position, now bundled up against nothing but the surface of her mattress, and laying her head on her own arm.
She heaved as she steamed with anger, both at Scarlet and at herself. Vodka hated how cloudy her sinuses felt as she did so. Her breathing was labored, and worst of all, she had to be painfully aware of the flow of tears coming from her eyes.
It was dead quiet in the room now, and the whole dorm wing felt in stasis. Vodka mused that Scarlet was probably thinking up the best way to reprimand her about yelling and how she needed to be quiet at this time of night.
But a scolding didn’t come.
Minutes passed like hours to Vodka as she lay there with ragged breath before she heard the rustling of sheets across the room break the silence she caused.
“Vodka?” Scarlet called out.
Scarlet’s questioning tone made her rhythms of breath pause for a moment. Vodka buried her head further into herself, trying to hide away as if she were a turtle in its shell.
“Vodka wait, I was just teasing.” Scarlet added.
Vodka didn’t dare move a muscle, she tried to remain deathly still as she heard more sheets ruffling. A sharp gasp hinted that Scarlet had stepped onto the cold floor and started moving towards her, and the creak of the wooden boards of the room confirmed it.
It felt like she was standing by her bed, but Vodka could only guess from the sound and the general energy of the room.
Quiet returned for a long moment before Vodka heard light shuffling from just behind her.
“Can I… can I sit down?” Scarlet carefully said, her tone as hesitant as Vodka’s was a moment ago.
It made Vodka’s breathing hitch just slightly. She steeled her mind with the hurt she had caused herself.
“I’m not stopping you, am I?” She offered as a response, bitterness seeping through her words.
“Vodka, I’m asking if it’s alright.” Scarlet quickly said.
She rubbed at her eyes as discreetly as she could before slowly turning her head up and back to see Scarlet cautiously rest herself on the edge of her bed. Her expression was hard to read to Vodka, but she noted how Scarlet's lips were in a pout, and her eyes were cast away. She didn’t know if she had ever seen her roommate like that before.
”What?” Vodka asked, keeping her words short and calloused to bite back against how Scarlet reacted before.
The pout Scarlet had deepened into a look of genuine hurt, with a tremble she sighed and brought her eyes up to meet Vodka’s.
“That… wasn’t very becoming of me, or right of me to do to you. I’m sorry.”
Vodka felt her mind recoil in her skull. She had never received an apology from Scarlet before. Sure, Vodka had heard her do it for others for a variety of reasons, but having it be done to her now felt wrong.
“It's fine,” She settled on the words, though she didn’t mean them. Vodka would say anything to just have this moment of awkwardness end so she could go back to regretting she even asked Scarlet for help. “It was a stupid request anyway.”
“It wasn’t stupid at all!” Scarlet rebutted.
Vodka stopped her head from turning back, watching as Scarlet’s expression morphed back into a self-conscious pout.
“Sorry. I just….” She began to say, gaze drifting away from Vodka’s own. “I got so caught up in teasing you that I didn’t realize and respect how serious you were being.”
Now they both remained quiet. Vodka just stared at Scarlet, not believing what she was saying after a painful, albeit expected, teasing. Scarlet fidgeted beside the bed, her almost glowing eyes darting around in the dark.
“What made you want to ask-…?” Scarlet questioned, though her words cut off oddly. Vodka didn’t comment on it, her attention was focused on the question she was given.
“I don’t know….” She said, turning her head away again. Not out of spite this time, but to hide her expression and teary eyes as the clammy emotional debilitation she had been going through surfaced again. She mostly felt like she was still processing the whiplash from Scarlet’s sudden shift in demeanor.
“I guess I just-….” Vodka searched her mind for what to say, not really knowing how to put her emotional troubles into thought, let alone words. In her mental search, her mind retraced itself back to a time when what she was going through felt like a foreign concept. “I’ve been missing my folks a lot, I guess. I haven’t seen them in over half a year now and… I don’t know the last time I’ve been hugged or anything.”
She watched Scarlet from the corner of her eye nod her head, intently listening to her. It felt odd not to brace for Scarlet’s usual mocking or teasing after she admitted to something so uncool.
“I just… I don't know.” Vodka began to try to say, before she felt her eyes well with tears again, and her throat ran dry. “It just… it gets to me sometimes. Not having that closeness, or contact with anyone. Or just… comfort.”
She buried her head under the covers again. Her breath became shaky as she tried to hold off the torrent of emotions from spilling out of her completely.
“You’re touch-starved?” Scarlet quietly said.
Vodka thought it was her telling her how she felt, before realizing it was meant as a question.
“What’s that?” She asked with a sniffle she tried to mute.
Scarlet paused before she answered, and gave an empathetic smile to Vodka.
“Exactly what you’ve been describing,” Scarlet said with a humorous but sympathetic tone for her roommate.
Vodka didn’t respond. She could sense that the proud but playful cattiness Scarlet always held wasn’t meant to insult or tease her this time. Vodka questioned the new term that had been applied to what she was going through. Could she be this touch-starved just from missing her parents, or was it a symptom of a bigger and more imposing sense of isolation?
“Oh….” She quietly said to herself as the term neatly slotted into place in her mind.
“I get it though.” Scarlet added.
She made herself comfortable on Vodka’s bed, partially leaning against the headboard while her legs remained strewn over the side.
“I was able to get lunch with my mom recently, and I didn’t realize how badly I missed her presence until it was time for me to come back to campus.”
The sadness in her tone and distant, vacant look in her eyes did not go unnoticed by Vodka. She didn’t comment on it.
“All this to say-“ she started, seemingly snapping back into the moment,“I’m sorry for how I teased you,before.”
It felt like Vodka sank into her bed further, actually relaxing into the foam of the mattress. It was odd to feel comfortable or even fully relaxed at the moment with Scarlet.
Vodka couldn’t deny that the honesty they were sharing mitigated how alone she had been feeling, even if just by a little.
“I know we can be… competitive with each other,” Scarlet said to Vodka, idly bringing her hands into her lap and awkwardly toying with her fingers. “Or go too far with bickering and arguing, but I should have realized you were being honest and vulnerable.”
“I-I wasn’t being vulnerable!” Vodka interjected.
“Vodka….”
She sank further under her blankets after a moment, retreating from Scarlet’s exasperated usage of her name and the mild embarrassment over the choice word she had used for her.
“Look, forget it! It’s fine,” Vodka said, still hoping for the uncomfortable moment to pass. “I forgive you and all that, okay? Just… forget I asked anything.”
Vodka tried to turn her attention away, feigning getting comfortable on the bed like she was readying to actually sleep.
“Do you not want to be cuddled?” A slight mocking tone this time.
“Hey…!” Vodka whined, sitting herself up from the sheets and furrowing her brow as she met Scarlet’s gaze properly. “I-I never said I wanted to be cuddled or anything like that, ok?”
Vodka crossed her legs under her and folded her arms. She leaned back onto the wall her bed was pushed against. The sides of her face began to feel warm and she hated how easily Scarlet had guessed at one of her unspoken wants.
“I just… I just wanted a hug is all.” She grumbled under her breath.
“Do you still want one?”
Scarlet’s follow-up made Vodka pause.She met Scarlet’s look and noticed one of her eyebrows raised in expectation.
“And no I’m not going to make fun of you, or tell other people about this.” She further clarified, her words sounding slightly annoyed that she even had to give Vodka the disclaimer.
Outwardly, Vodka pouted and turned her head down and away. But internally, she truly did consider the idea of physical contact. She found it hard not to give in to the offer Scarlet made. After the last week, and the small fight they just had, Vodka felt her mind tear at the insides of its walls, almost scratching at the chance to remedy that need.
Vodka pursed her lips with a slight tremble. She searched her eyes around the bed for a moment, turning the idea over in her head before she said anything else she would regret
“…You promise?” She carefully asked.
“I promise.” Scarlet plainly replied.
She moved herself closer to Vodka, bringing her legs up and onto the bed finally, before crossing them under her.
It took Vodka a moment to understand the waiting look Scarlet had after she adjusted her position. Scarlet had made room for Vodka to get closer and actually embrace her. After a further second, Vodka carefully crawled over the strewn about sheets of her bed, before awkwardly mirroring her legs under herself in front of Scarlet, waiting to see what her roommate would do next.
Scarlet outstretched her arms and leaned forward to Vodka. She jumped as Scarlet’s arms made contact and wrapped under her shoulders and around her back. Vodka felt all of her senses clamp up at first, unused to such close contact with Scarlet outside of literally butting heads with her. But Scarlet seemed to be relaxed with her well enough. Her hold was firm but not crushing or tight.
Vodka cautiously mimicked Scarlet’s hold, wrapping her arms around her neck and shoulders. She leaned into Scarlet, and her roommate took it as an invitation to rest back onto the headboard of the bed, pulling Vodka with her. Her eyes widened and the wind was practically knocked out of her as Scarlet reclined herself fully.
Scarlet’s chest rose and fell in a contented sigh against Vodka’s own. She felt her arms relax around her, but never enough to let go. Only so much to remain held on.
“This… this is nice, actually,” Scarlet said, her voice oozing comfort.
Despite the circumstances, how it could be taken if someone else were to walk in on them, and the chill in the air, Vodka found herself oddly cozy as she shared in the hug. It was hard not to match Scarlet’s unspoken sentiment and rest.
The gnawing isolation that had suffocated her for the past week felt lifted, or at least greatly subdued. It seemed like a part of Vodka was reenergized from the embrace.
The magma of emotion warmed the skin of her face again, and she was glad she could hide it away from her roommate. Scarlet held her partly in her lap, as if Vodka was sitting on her. Vodka felt beyond embarrassed as the reality of the situation set in for her, and was even more mortified as she was unable to do anything but helplessly cling to her rival and friend.
“If I’m being fully honest with myself, I don’t have a lot of moments of intimacy like this.”
The particular word Scarlet used erupted the sides of Vodka’s face into lava, and she could already feel her nose itching to trickle a drop of red.
“Whoa whoa whoa whoa!” Vodka said, pulling off and away from Scarlet, quickly bringing a hand up to her nose to catch any bit of blood that might leak out.
“Now just hold on,” She began to say while scrambling her fingers over to her nightstand for a tissue. “This isn’t supposed to be anything like that, Scar.”
“That’s not the only thing intimacy means, dummy!” Scarlet spat back, irritated that Vodka took it that way.
Scarlet’s grip had loosened around her, but her hands remained held around Vodka just under her shoulder blades. Vodka met her eyes finally as she got a tissue to her nose before any blood could spill onto anything. Scarlet fired back a frustrated pout, before she settled herself slightly and took a deep breath in.
“Intimacy can just be… closeness.” Scarlet started to explain, her gaze wandering to the side and away from Vodka’s. “It can be… vulnerability, or just physical proximity. It doesn’t have to be, and isn’t just, romantic in nature.”
Scarlet had an oddly defeated look to her. It puzzled Vodka. Usually, when Scarlet felt the need to explain something to her she remained annoyed that she had to do so; but as she was then, she appeared dejected that Vodka didn’t understand her.
Vodka felt Scarlet’s hands loosen around her back, seemingly ready to pull away. It triggered her mind into a panic.
“W-well good.” Her face flushed, “Cause this isn't that. Got it?”
Vodka was somewhat disingenuous with her intent. She only agreed with Scarlet’s sentiment to stop her from pulling away and breaking the embrace.
Scarlet’s brow furrowed as she looked back at Vodka. It was that familiar fed-up look she would get, and Vodka couldn’t help but snicker seeing it again. She tossed away her lightly bloodied tissue after a second and moved to return her arms around Scarlet, hoping she would still want to continue hugging.
“Yes, yes… I get it.” Scarlet begrudgingly said, taking solace and satisfaction in Vodka’s concession.
With the buildup and worry of charged intimacy dispersed, Vodka comfortably relaxed back into Scarlet’s arms.
She breathed in the warmth of Scarlet beside her and exhaled all of her stress, releasing the tension from her shoulders that she didn’t even realize she was holding. As Vodka let the air out of her lungs, Scarlet’s earlier remarks and her week of isolation seemed to be distant memories already.
Vodka would be caught dead before she ever admitted that Scarlet was a good hugger, but she found it hard to deny, even to herself, how nice it was to be held by her.
“…Did you use cologne earlier?” Scarlet quietly questioned after a long but comfortable moment.
“Yeah,” Vodka absentmindedly answered, her usual guard and dismissive veneer for her roommate gone as she told the truth. “Why?”
“It’s… pretty good actually.” Scarlet further mumbled.
Vodka felt Scarlet drop her head slightly, resting her chin on her shoulder.
“Yeah?” She asked, wondering if Scarlet was serious.
“Yeah.”
Vodka’s eyes scanned around the room before she wound them tightly shut, trying to just focus on the then and now, to carry on the discussion if she could.
“My mom got it for me last year when I went to visit. I’ve been trying to get used to it for when I go to like… interviews and stuff.” Vodka said. It felt like an odd confession to make, especially to Scarlet of all people, and it got her blush to creep back.
“Right,” Scarlet replied plainly, but with drawl to her tone.
Vodka assumed she was about to say something else, something characteristically snarky, but Scarlet remained quiet.
“You’re… really nice to hold,” Scarlet said, surprising Vodka to hear her speak casually and apparently truthfully. “B-but don’t get a big idea or anything.”
Vodka smiled to herself as the more familiar disposition of Scarlet briefly returned.
“You're nice too.” She settled to say, tightening her arms around Scarlet and adjusting into a more comfortable position.
“Would you… would you actually like to cuddle?”
Vodka’s calm breathing hitched at Scarlet’s words.
“Not like- a-actually to sleep or anything I mean…! Just for a bit.” She stammered to clarify. Any moment longer and Vodka maybe would have used it as an opportunity to tease her back, especially considering it wasn’t the first time she had mentioned the act of cuddling unprompted.
“Sure.” Vodka answered.
She found it hard to deny the offer, especially after she had been trying to fool herself by cuddling into her pillow for the past few days. She pulled away from Scarlet, slipping herself back over to her preferred side of the bed, and watched as Scarlet did the same, pulling the sheets over the two of them.
“Just um… face away from me,” Scarlet said, bringing a pillow down behind her to rest on. “Wouldn’t want your nose ruining my pajamas.”
“Well, why would it?!” Vodka retorted, wondering why Scarlet would think that would happen again.
“Just do it ok!?”
Vodka glared at Scarlet for a beat before letting out an exacerbated sigh and rolling over.
She shuffled herself slightly, unconsciously moving to put distance between her and Scarlet, before she felt Scarlet’s arms snake around her again, reminding her of what they were doing.
The blush on Vodka’s face returned, but she thankfully was able to have it be obfuscated as she faced away and adjusted herself into her spare pillow. She relaxed as best she could as she felt Scarlet push her body against hers. Her roommate’s wider frame now flush against hers, thinner and more defined.
Vodka just tried to rest face into the pillow, almost instinctively pushing away from the warm and welcoming feeling of Scarlet embracing her.
“Hey….” Scarlet whispered, getting Vodka’s attention. “When it comes to stuff like this, please don’t be afraid to ask.”
Vodka raised her brow and tried to crane her head back to really confirm what Scarlet was telling her.
“You sure?” She asked, disbelief clear in her tone. “I can see you using this as a way to make fun of me.”
Scarlet didn’t answer for a long moment.
“I’m being serious.” She finally said, just before Vodka thought she wouldn’t respond at all. “I won’t make fun of you for things like this.”
Vodka waited a moment to see if Scarlet would give her an ominous or ambiguous tease. Yet nothing came. Nothing had come at many chances before it either.
“…ever?” Vodka asked, in one last attempt to really confirm.
“Ever.”
Scarlet’s arms tightened around her waist, as a wordless way to affirm herself.
Vodka pushed her face back onto the pillow, nudging around until she got into a comfortable position.
“You seemed to think I was messing with you at first,” Vodka mumbled into the pillow. “What’s to stop you from thinking the same thing again?”
“I’ll know,” Scarlet said assuredly, with a little of her own unique pride. “And I won’t think that of you again. I promise.”
Vodka settled herself into a cozy position and was still for a long moment. She tried to distract her worried mind away from ideas of how Scarlet could hold what they were doing over her. But for the moment maybe, maybe, Vodka could believe it, at least until the morning when she was no longer shrouded in the odd honesty of night.
“…ok.”
Until then, however, she couldn't muster up any other worry at the moment.
She pushed herself back into Scarlet’s embrace, confining herself deeper to the hold her roommate had on her, and Scarlet offered no complaints or discouragement.
Vodka felt everything about herself begin to grow heavy. Her muscles and eyes relaxed, and she found the notion of sleep welcoming and familiar despite Scarlet’s claims that they weren’t going to rest together a moment prior.
She felt a unique sense of calm wash over her, as warm and welcoming as the blankets and arms around her. All of her senses of image and social pride began to feel smaller and smaller. Her whole body felt as if it were being rocked, though that might have been because of Scarlet’s rising chest.
Vodka began to unconsciously breathe in and out in tandem with her without any mental energy directed to the task.
As her mind started to relax into the beginning stages of sleep, Vodka reopened her eyes slightly, as she picked up the unfamiliar scent of something new.
“The perfume…?” Vodka questioned aloud as to what the unknown fragrance she took in was, “or that expensive brand of shampoo you use….” Her words came out husky and slow, and Vodka partly doubted she was actually awake anymore as she spoke, possibly speaking in her mind to her own unconsciousness.
“It… smells nice on you too.”
She didn’t know if she was talking to anyone anymore, let alone Scarlet, but surrounded by the welcoming embrace and aroma, and in the newly made comfort of her bed, Vodka didn’t mind the idea of getting used to it.