Chapter Text
“Care to dance, my love?”
Ryland rolled his eyes slightly at Tom’s extended hand. They were in the kitchen of Tom’s home, which he’d only been in a handful of times before a few week ago, when it had become slightly more constant.
“Here?”
“Where else? I want to dance with my husband.”
Something cold writhed in his stomach for a second at the word, despite Tom’s soft smile and tone.
Husband. Husband. Husband.
He was married. He was 24 and he was married and he couldn’t even remember it. He’d expected something different, something better, or at least something he could remember. A proper suit, a real venue, flowers and a band and cake and just a proper wedding. He’d only thought about it in the abstract, he’d always been too focused with his research to commit to a relationship, except he supposed with Tom. Tom had been different, he supposed, it had still been a long way off of serious enough for him to even think about a wedding, but it had been more than he’d had before. He hadn’t expected to marry the man, and certainly not so soon, so young. He’d expected to be sober. He’d expected Colt to be by his side, his best man, god Colt. Colt was furious with him for it, he’d never seen his twin so angry.
And never at him.
But Tom was his husband. Expectations aside, the wedding had happened, and Tom was his husband. It wasn’t a weird dream he’d wake up from, it was real, and it had happened, and he had to make do with it. At least it wasn’t a stranger, it was someone he knew, someone he was already having a fling with. All the people in the world and Tom had wanted him, and sure this had come a little early but it could have ended here in a few years anyway. Far worse husbands to have, right?
He took Tom’s hand, and let himself be pulled into his arms.
The familiar smell of cedar and citrus filled his nose as he dropped his head gently against Tom’s shoulder, letting his arms slip comfortably around him as they swayed a little to the rhythm of the music filling the kitchen.
They’d only really danced like this before once or twice. Tom was a actor, he was showy, but there was something about this quiet dancing, this quiet moment, that was more intimate than he’d expected. Tom’s softer side, so rarely seen by anyone. In public he was a bit of a diva, he was careless and a little self absorbed, almost nobody got to see this side of him, and yet he’d shared it with him. Tom had quiet literally swept him off his feet, it was the first time their hook ups had shifted into something more. It had been a quiet moment just like this where Tom had taken him by the hand and snuck him into a dark, elegant set after hours and swooped him around to the music. They hadn’t slept together, it hadn’t been a hookup, it had been quiet, intimate, special. And Tom had done it just for him.
Nobody had ever done something like that him before.
But he’d expected to date him longer before saying yes to walk down the aisle, if it got that far at all. He’d expected to remember his own wedding. He’d expected to be a little closer to thirty and a little farther in his career and slightly more settled. He didn’t even know if he loved Tom.
Tom must have felt him tense, or his breath hitch, or something, because he pulled back, hands sliding up to cup his shoulders gently.
“Everything ok, Ry?”
“Yeah.”
It didn’t even sound convincing to his own ears, and Tom’s eyes narrowed as he searched his face, smile slipping slightly.
“Still worrying about your brother?”
That was… one part of it. Definitely an easier part to talk about. He hadn’t even told Colt the truth about it all yet, he’d planned to but he’d known Colt would overreact in his defence and get himself into trouble, and then Tom’s PR team had gotten involved and suddenly it had been too long and he still hadn’t explained himself. How did he even explain that to Colt, that he’d been so stupid, how did he even begin to explain it?
“He’s so angry with me, Tom.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’s especially happy with me either at the moment, darlin’.”
“He’s my twin, and I got married without him. I got married without him there by my side, totally blindsided him with it. I’ve never seen him this angry with me.”
“He loves you,” Tom said with a reassuring smile, “he’ll get past it, he will. He just thinks you should have given it more time before you married me, he’ll get used to it in time.”
“Maybe he’s right.” The words just slipped out, too quiet and too loud all at once.
“You… don’t want to be married to me?”
Tom’s face twisted with heartbreak and his stomach clenched again.
“No no, it’s not that, it’s… it’s not you Tom, its how we went about it.”
“But does that matter, so long as we’re together?”
“I just… I didn’t quite picture this. We only met a year ago, I don’t even know that we properly established that we were dating, we just jumped into this and I don’t even remember it. I guess I always wanted to do it…”
“Properly?”
Tom’s voice had gone soft, understanding.
“I mean I certainly never imagined I’d walk down the aisle without Colt as my best man, or quite that drunk, it just feels like we didn’t do it, yeah, properly. Is it bad I want properly?”
Was that so wrong?
“No, no I was so excited I didn’t even think. Of course we can do it properly. Book a venue, I’ll order in all the best flowers, a huge cake, we can…”
“Tom.”
“You don’t want that?” Tom actually seemed to falter, the kind of thing he never let anyone see, face falling, shoulders slumping, and that same feeling coiled in Ryland’s stomach yet again, “But you said you..?”
“There are usually steps before marriage, like dating and engagement, we only had a few dates, we don’t even know if we can live together without killing each other, can’t we just, I don’t know, take it a little slower. We just jumped in the deep end so fast.”
“You’re still finding your feet, that’s ok.”
“It’s not just that Tom, it’s, I don’t know, it’s a huge commitment to make and not even remember. It’s not just something you do on a drunken whim, it means something.”
Tom’s brows furrowed and he grimaced with the reminder of how drunk they’d been, before something lit up in his eyes.
“I suppose we were both drunk, that would be grounds to get it annulled.”
What?
What?
That was, that was the thing he’d been too scared to ask for outright, unsure of how he was supposed to put it into words. How to even approach the topic. The thing that had been sitting on his chest this whole time, wrapping itself around his throat like a noose. Tom was like a hurricane sometimes, it was easy to get swept up in the energy once he had an idea, almost impossible to stop. It was something he deeply admired about the man sometimes, energy like that could do so much good when he aimed in the right direction. And more than anything, Ryland never wanted to hurt him. Sure Tom could be a little careless sometimes, but he wasn’t a bad person, he’d been so sweet and kind and charming through their relationship. For Tom to suggest it, to be on the same page, his heart swelled. Maybe they’d sort this out, without it being a whole thing, maybe it was going to be just fine. Maybe he wasn’t going to break Tom’s heart with this.
“It should be yeah.” He agreed, “We could do that, wouldn’t be too hard either, I think.”
“And then I can woo you properly, dinners and dates, flowers and a proper engagement ring, a proper proposal. And then a real wedding, one where we have Colt here for you and proper tuxes and neither of us are staggering.”
“Woah, slow down,” he laughed, possibly his first real laugh since the wedding, “you’ve got to convince me to say yes first.”
Relief crashed into him like a wave. Tom understood, he wasn’t offended, he wanted to try and do this properly. They were going to work this out. That’s what couples did, right, communicated and worked out solutions, maybe Tom was right, maybe they would end up happily taking the vows properly a few years down the road.
“I can call Gail first thing tomorrow, she can help us get it all sorted out, she knows everyone, and of course she’ll help us, hell she’s known you even longer than she’s known me, no way she won’t.”
Tom was right. There was nothing Gail couldn’t do, she was the Gail Meyer. She held all of Hollywood in the palm of her hand, she had supported Colt through the start of his career and honestly, she’d been more present than their parents, though that was a low bar to meet. She would be able to get this all sorted out for them, and without the media attention.
“You’re right, Gail will sort this out.”
“And then maybe Colt will grow up.”
“Hey.”
“Seriously if he’s not talking to you by your 25th I’m dragging him here for your party.”
“My party?”
“Of course.”
Oh.
Tom wanted to throw a party for him. Just for him. That had been his tone when he’d said it, bringing Colt to his party. He’d never done that before, he and Colt had always shared their party, they’d always done something together. Playing games with other kids at school to a fancy meal to a small cake with a few candles stuck into it on their first night in their tiny flat that they’d moved into on their 18th birthday, together out in the big wide word all alone. God had that been six years ago now, almost seven. Still, every celebration they’d done before or since, big or small, they’d always shared it. Tom wanted to do something just for him, and he felt his cheeks heat up a little.
“Its…” he pulled himself together, “it’s his birthday too, Tom.”
“Yeah, I suppose, but I don’t have to split my attention. I’m dating you, not him.”
“He’ll come around, I’m sure of it.”
Especially once he finds out it’s been annulled and he’s no longer Tom’s in-law and that he wasn’t just an afterthought but that there had been more going on. The PR team had told them to keep everything quiet, to follow the official story to reduce the risk of leaks, but once they had this sorted he could tell Colt everything. Well, provided Colt was willing to listen, the last time he’d tried Colt had just hung up the phone.
“Exactly, it’ll all be fine. Now will you dance with me, darlin’?”
Who was he to say no to one last dance with his ‘husband’ before they got this all straightened out?
~.~
“What?”
Ryland gaped across at Gail as he tried to process her words. She didn’t have a whole team with her, it was just the two of them alone in her office, but he almost wished she did. It would feel a little less personal as she hauled the rug out from under him if there were lawyers and PR managers flanking her for this. If it wasn’t just him alone in the office of the woman he’d known since he was 16 being told he was well and truly stuck.
“I’m sorry, Ryland, I’ve spoken with the PR and legal teams and they’ve all agreed, the annulment is too risky, it would do too much damage.”
“Damage?”
“To Tom’s career.” She said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “His reputation.”
“But…”
“It’s a carefully crafted thing, I know you know that, and balanced on a knifes edge. One wrong move and that could be his career, poof, down the drain, and heaven forbid he’s on a project when it happens, could ruin the cast and crew working with him, not to mention Colt…”
“Colt?” He echoed as she trailed off, numbness creeping in through his fingertips.
“He’s Tom’s stunt double, it’s made his career, if Tom goes down he probably would too, and when it comes back that his own brother was tangled into it all, who’d hire him? I mean I’d do my best for both of them but I can only do so much, and if this got out…”
“But this is Colt’s dream.”
This was everything to Colt. Colt who had always known who he was and what he wanted to be. Colt who had worked his ass off to get to where he was, spent every evening training until he’d been recruited into stunt work at sixteen by Gail and only gone from strength to strength. Colt was different to Ry, he’d always known who he wanted to be. Ryland had loved science, but he’d bounced from physics to astronomy to chemistry to geology to biology where he’d eventually settled. He’d almost fallen into it, and he loved it, but it wasn’t the same. His twin had dreamt and worked and forged his own path in a way he was honestly a little jealous of. Despite everything in their way, his brother had gone and done it anyway.
How could he fuck this up for Colt?
How could he risk all of Colt’s hard work like this?
He couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to his brother, so he’d have to make this work. He’d have to make things with Tom work. Ok, it was sooner than he wanted, sooner than he’d have ever considered, and he couldn’t tell Colt it was all some mistake, he had to go with the lie. The lie, the one the PR team had thrown at him a few hours after he woke up married. He hated lying, he hated the lie, but what other choice was there. If he told Colt the truth, Colt would ruin his own damn career just to protect his honour.
“So, I stay married to Tom.”
“As far as anyone has to know you wanted to keep it quiet. You’ve wanted to keep it all quiet, private, it was a small wedding, and thats all it needs to be. They might get the two of you to stage some photos to make up for, well, but if you don’t want your face out there, we can of course be tasteful about it. The press are hounds and they love Tom to bits, might be best to keep you out of their gnashing jaws anyway.”
“I don’t want to be in the eyes of the press. I just want to keep my head down and work, I have my own professional reputation.”
“One you’ve worked so hard for. I remember all those times you sat on set waiting for Colt with your nose in a textbook and now you’re a doctor, look how far you’ve come, amazing. I’m so proud, really.”
“Gail.”
“We’ll sort it all out, I promise. You and Tom make such a good couple too, you deserve to be happy together, I’ll do anything in my power to make sure you get that happiness and the press leave you be.”
If there was more to the meeting, he honestly couldn’t remember much of it. He remembered Gail’s phone ringing, and leaving her office, but that numbness had crawled from his fingers to his chest and pulled a fog over his head he couldn’t shake. It followed him all the way back to Tom’s place, and why did he even go back to Tom’s place rather than his and Colt’s. Only as he was shutting the door behind him and leaning back against it did the reality of it all actually hit.
He was married to Tom Ryder.
He was 24 and he was married and he had no path out of it.
He was married and he didn’t even remember the wedding. Not even blurry snapshots of it. There was just a void where such an important day should have been and a damning slip of paper.
There would be no annulment, there would be no quiet way out of this at all, because he was married to a movie star.
That should have been a good thing, that should have been cool, a million people would kill to be married to Tom Ryder, he saw enough of Tom’s fanmail and social posts to know that, and they had been together. So why wasn’t he happy, why did none of this feel right? Did he just need time, time to come to terms with it not quite going how he might once have imagined? Was it just the embarrassment of what he did, a drunken wedding, god how was he supposed to show his face after that. Gail was right to say it was a career ender, and it would have been for him too. He was still so young, he’d only finished his PhD two months ago, only just taken on the teaching position and the new lab roles, if he wanted to gain respect and become a leading scholar in the field, he couldn't have something like this hanging over him. A steady relationship was more reputable than drunken stupidity. Not to mention the press would eat him alive, they loved Tom, if any of this got out they’d paint him as the bad guy in a heartbeat.
That was why the PR team had gotten their stories straight so quickly, why they’d been sticking to the quiet but impulsive wedding story until they could work this out. These people were good at their jobs, it was all they did, and so the truth was whatever they said it was.
Now that was the only version of the truth anyone would ever know.
“Ry, did you speak with Gail?”
Tom’s voice filled the hallway as he stepped into view.
“She… she said they won’t let us get it annulled.”
“I know, I know, Jess filled me in just now.”
Jess was the head of Tom's PR team, it made sense that she’d been the one to let him know and that she’d gotten onto it fast. She probably had a whole strategy planned around it all already. Jess had always been fairly polite to him, and she could spin anything Tom did into a positive. Well, almost anything, it seemed.
“What do we do?”
“Stay married, I guess.” Tom reached out, almost hesitant, and brushed aside a part of his fringe that had been flopping into his face, “But… but we can still take it more slowly, if you want. All the proper dates, the flowers, I can still organise us a ceremony, we could do a vow renewal next year.”
His breath caught in his throat, and then again. It felt like someone had lodged something into it, and air just couldn’t get past, burning and tight and strangling. His eyes pricked and stung and his hands didn’t even feel attached to his body as Tom clasped them in his own.
“Hey, hey, breathe, we’ll work this out. We will, together. Do you need a glass of water?”
Tom’s arms came around him as the numbness collapsed into something else. He couldn’t tell if it was the world spinning or his own legs betraying him but somewhere between blinks he was sitting on the sofa, cool glass of water being pressed into his hands.
“Hey, it’s a big shock, I know, but we’ll get through this together. I promise.”
He opened his mouth to reply and for a moment they wedged against whatever it was lodged in his throat turning his breathing ragged, before he finally managed to gasp something out.
“I’m sorry Tom, I don’t know whats wrong with me.”
“It’s just stress, right, it’s ok.”
“Just stress?” He wheezed out. Just stress, they were backed into a corner, a huge part of their lives had been pulled from their control, how could Tom not see that. How could he possibly be so calm about this? Even if he was more willing to go along with the surprise nuptials, this should be a big hit to him too, it came out of nowhere. They’d barely even been dating.
“Yeah, I mean, you just finished your PhD and then went straight into a new job without a break and everything’s been messy since the wedding, you’re exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed," Tom clasped his hands in his, ”but it’s ok.”
Was that all it was? Just a lot of things stacking up over time and falling down together. Maybe Tom was right, maybe it wasn’t even the wedding that had him this stressed at all, and just the combination of it all. He hadn’t taken a proper break, that was true, and he hadn’t really taken any time to process any of this. There was every chance it wouldn’t all feel so big and heavy in a few days, even tomorrow he might wake up feeling more ok about it. It was just a shock today, what Gail had to say, that was all.
“Yeah, yeah, you might be right.”
“You really do work too hard, I know you’re a genius and you’re going to change the world, but you’re allowed to relax sometimes you know, love.”
He was really being too hard on Tom too, the man loved him and the last thing he ever wanted to of was hurt him just because he needed to take things more slowly. The accidental wedding had been accidental for both of them, just because Tom was more carefree and willing to jump into this didn’t mean it hadn’t all been a shock for him too, and here he was having stupid panic attacks over things that could be fine. He just needed to pull himself together.
“We still need a plan.” He had to grow up and deal with this, “For how to move forwards from here.”
“It’s ok, we can keep it under wraps, like we were before. You don’t have to be in the limelight, nobody has to know, Jess will make sure of it.” Tom sighed, ” I guess drunken weddings are more acceptable for a movie star than a scientist, I didn’t think, god Ry I’m so sorry.”
He tucked that same bit of hair back again, and Ryland felt his stomach roll again.
“You were drunk too, we were both so drunk.”
At least, he was pretty sure Tom had been drunk too. He couldn’t remember anything between that second cocktail and waking up in Tom’s bed. But… but Tom wouldn’t have done this to him if he was sober, he had to have been just as out of it, a stupid mistake by both of them. A habit of overindulging was one of the few blemishes on Tom’s reputation, the press would assume he’d taken advantage to marry up before anyone suspected Tom of having been sober and agreed to marry someone too drunk to make good choices. But Tom wasn’t like that, they’d both been too drunk to make good choices. Tom was just more willing to role with it, more willing to jump into something crazy, and he was overthinking it, that was all. Colt always said he needed to get better at spontaneity and this probably wasn’t what he meant but he was right. He couldn’t change this, so he could sit and cry about it when he didn’t even actually know if there was anything to cry about, or he could buck up and look to his future. Their future.
“I promise when we do vow renewals we’ll both be sober enough to remember it, and not stumble down the aisle. We can keep that small too, family only, when the time comes.”
“And before then, what do we do? People will ask questions if I just change my name.”
“Jess actually suggested you keep the name Grace professionally, so you can keep working and I can keep it all hush hush. That way I can mention the new Mr Ryder who loves me, but not the media. Jess think’s they’ll like that anyway. That I want to respect you by keeping you out of the limelight. Who’d equate my new Mr Ryder to my incredible Doctor Grace.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, they might try to sneak photos of you, but I have security, and with how big the next movie is looking like it’ll be, they think we’ll need more anyway. This whole place is designed to be secure and out of the way, the press don’t even know about it, but it’s still close enough to UCLA for you.”
He blinked for a second as the implication of Tom’s words sank in.
“You want me to move in?”
“I… I mean, yeah. Of course I do. I, god, too fast again?”
“I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Right, right, slow.”
Tom wanted him to call this place home.
But home was where Colt was, they still shared an apartment at the moment, even if Colt still wasn’t speaking to him. It was part of why he’d been staying at Tom’s since the wedding. They’d stuck together because it was easier, and because they always had, and maybe a little bit because surviving as a student was hard and splitting the bills together had helped with that, even if it meant Colt had been forced to put up with six years of studying and books everywhere and late nights where he was working on papers. He’d been so stressed during his PhD, and Colt had supported him through it. Was moving in here a good idea? He could still sent Colt his half of the rent, or maybe with him gone and Colt’s pay getting better he could look for somewhere new, just for himself. Now he was postdoc, and lecturing, and doing more research and things were easier, but maybe Colt was sick of being stuck with him like that anyway. Maybe this was a good opportunity. Besides, this had all been cruel enough to Tom already, Tom who had been nothing but gracious and kind and patient with his unfair hesitation. There was absolutely no harm in it, so there was no reason to put Tom though this.
“No no, if you want me here.”
“Of course I do, Ry. Always.”
Tom brushed a hand against his cheek, catching a few stray tear tracks from his earlier panic.
“I know this wasn’t what you hoped it would be, love, but I promise it’ll be ok. We’ll work it out, together.”
~.~
“And you’re sure about this, Gail?”
Tom paced back and forth in the kitchen quietly. He had no need to be quiet, he was home alone, Ry was at the lab all day, but it felt necessary. He’d lied to his husband, just a little lie, but he didn’t like it. When he’d suggested annulment he’d said it hoping Ry would correct him, jump in and insist it wasn’t needed and that they would work it out, but his anxiety got in the way again, those nerves that always held Ry back. He’d had to ask Gail for help with it all, because he couldn’t lose this. He couldn’t lose the worlds most perfect man just because his love had a tendency to overthink. That was why he’d helped him down the aisle a little, just to get the nerves out of the way, that was all it had been.
Colt wasn’t helping, of course, his annoyance and silence only making Ry’s worries and doubts grow, and sure Tom got it, but like, could he not. They were trying to he happy, why couldn’t he hurry up and accept that.
“The lawyers have everything tight, Tom, you have nothing to worry about. Besides, he’s convinced trying would be bad for his brother’s career and yours, so he won’t try getting anything done independently. We can keep this totally under control.”
“But you’ll take care of him right, make sure nobody gets his information, I love him Gail, I want him to be happy with me. The press will ruin that, they’ll ruin him. I hate seeing him upset.”
“Of course, of course. Trust me, Tom, he’s all yours.”
“Thank you Gail.”
“Any time, now get to work on those lines, they want you on set on Monday.”