Chapter Text
Makoto and Haru alternate to shower first on most days. Today, Haru is cuddled up in bed waiting for his boyfriend to join him, letting his mind drift with the sounds of running water from the bathroom. He is not imagining what Makoto looks like. Okay, maybe a little bit. But it's mostly out of habit.
He rolls onto his back with a sigh, resting his wrist on his forehead. The events of the day are running through his mind like a film reel, mostly in the black and white of nonchalance but the sound of Makoto's voice, I'm not blaming you, Haru, burns a spark of red. And from then on, everything is a mess of chaotic colour--the fears flooding back with bruising undertones, sickly yellow and plum and the blue-green of veins. Will there be a day when I'm no longer allowed into this apartment? The chill of fear makes Haru reach out without thinking, grabbing Makoto's pillow and putting it over his face, breathing it in: the smell of his shampoo and soap, the general sleep smell of his bed... Makoto. The sound of the water stops, and Haru can hear some shuffling around so he hastily puts the pillow back. He doesn't want Makoto to find him like this--scared, vulnerable... insecure, anxious... he should always be trying to make Makoto happy, instead of worried like this afternoon. He wants Makoto to always be happy around him; that's the least he can do after receiving so much kindness and joy from Makoto himself. When Makoto turns back to look at Haru, his boyfriend's lips are parted, his eyes trained on his like he's deciding whether or not to say something. "Yes Haru-chan?" he asks, expecting it to be something like a reminder about groceries, or chores, or something but--
"You're so beautiful," Haru blurts out, the words spilling like a reflex. "And I love you, I love you so much Makoto." Please don't ever, ever think otherwise. His voice comes out shakier than he expected, and it makes him blush with embarrassment.
"Oh, Haru--" Makoto's eyes curve downwards in fondness. He quickly hangs up the towel and pulls on a pair of sleeping pants without underwear, crawling onto the bed as fast as he can. He takes in Haru's wide blue eyes, lets them consume him as he takes his chin in his hand and kisses him. The mood is electric somehow, with Haru responding more fiercely than usual. His hands are gliding all over his bare back, the pace almost frantic, hungry. Makoto isn't even kissing him that deeply, but he's already breathing hard. Makoto is about to tease him and ask if he's topping tonight but when they part, something in Haru's expression startles him. He can't put his finger on it exactly, but Haru's eyes don't radiate the want and confidence he's used to. They seem darker than usual, almost desperate and lonely. When he forces himself to calm down and look at Haru properly, the man looks like he's on the verge of tears. That, of course, sends his heart thudding again.
"Haru-chan," Makoto lowers his hands from where they're cupping Haru's face down to rest on his shoulders. "Are you okay?" Haru's face registers surprise for a split second, before his forehead crinkles and he answers like he's asking a question, "...Yeah?" Makoto can't tell whether it sounds confused or defensive. But when he noses at his neck, he can feel the trembling set of Haru's jaw, and that's not normal. "Haru," he says again and pulls away. "You're not okay."
"I am!" Haru protests. "I'm sorry, I just--can we just go back to what we were doing?" Makoto wants to drop his hands from Haru's body and make sure they talk about this, but he knows how hard Haru takes rejection, and so he opts for a gentle kiss on his lips instead. When they pull away, foreheads resting against each other and noses touching, Makoto murmurs, "I won't judge you or anything Haru-chan... you can just tell me what's wrong, no matter what it is and we'll solve it together okay? I'm sad when you're sad too y'know?" The soft warmth of Makoto's voice just shatters something in Haru, and he just manages to close his eyes in time for the tears to flow slowly past his lashes. He quickly turns his face down and away, scrambling off Makoto's lap so he can hide somewhere for a while. But Makoto isn't going to let him run away and leave him behind. Not again. Never again. He tightens his hold around Haru's waist and to stop him from turning and catches Haru's wrist when he tries to brush him off and free himself. "What's wrong Haru?" His voice is gentle, pleading, his heart breaking from the anguish apparent on Haru's face. "Talk to me Haru, please?"
"I can't-" Haru grinds the words out, his eyes still tightly scrunched shut as if to protect himself. "I-it's okay... I just need to go-" Makoto can see him struggling to breathe normally so he starts rubbing big circles on Haru's back to calm him down. "I won't laugh or anything Haru... You know I won't." Haru adamantly shakes his head in refusal, but Makoto continues soothingly, "It's better to share the sadness than just keep it all inside right?"
"I can't!" Haru bursts out, finally opening his eyes. "It's about you so I can't okay? I just can't!" Shit. He's totally fucked up.
Alarm shoots through Makoto at Haru's words and he instinctively jerks back like he's been burned. "About me? Did I hurt you, Haru?" Haru covers his face with both hands and Makoto panics even more, believing it to be the truth. "I'm so sorry Haru, just tell me what's wrong and I'll change, I promise I will!"
"It's not you who has to change, it's me." Haru says slowly, his voice brimming with remorse. "And I'm the one who always hurts you, not the other way around."
He takes Makoto's silence as a prompt to carry on and explain himself. "Makoto I'm just... Such a terrible boyfriend compared to you sometimes... I'm trying," Haru's voice is fraught with frustration. "I try to make it better but I always land up making it worse because I'm just too paranoid and illogical and I'm the end I make you sad and I don't know what to do." The end of his sentence trails of in a high, cracked whisper. Makoto instinctively holds him closer at that fragile sound, but his head is stuck, confused at the first thing Haru had said.
"... Since when were you a terrible boyfriend?" Makoto asks in sheer incredulity. A part of him is pondering on the extreme obscurity that something had happened that he doesn't know about, but his mind is mostly filled with all the times Haru has made him smile and feel like the most loved person in the world. The times when he steps into his house to be greeted by the spicy fragrance of surprise green curry, the kisses that Haru presses to usually un-kissed parts of the body like the back of his ear, his eyelids, the inside of his ankle and the tendon of his wrist. The cups of coffee that Haru makes when he needs to work late, and the time when he had made a pillow nest for Makoto to settle comfortably into. All these beautiful, honeyed memories make him unable to believe anything Haru is saying about being a terrible boyfriend, and makes him wonder if he had been the one to make Haru feel like this by not being loving or attentive enough. The possibility burns him right at the heart.
"L-like this morning," Haru blurts out. "When I threw away your things and scolded you and... I just wanted it not to be completely my fault because if it was I'd be such a bad person but it was my fault, and I was too scared to admit it and made everything worse-" His breaths are harsh and shuddering. "I knew it was my fault, but I just ignored it and pushed it down, and raised my voice and I just," Haru chokes on a gulp of air, having completely lost his usual composure. He wonders if it's a wrong move to make, voicing this fear now when surely, he's at his most unattractive, at his most vulnerable. His face is blotchy and hot from crying, and he's such a messy crier: his tears come down in big heavy drops, his nose will start running and his throat just closes up, making it squeaky and so hard to speak. "Just scared that you'll stop... wanting me one day, I dunno, like-"
Is this what he had been hiding in those eyes of his all this time? Had he always laughed, kissed with a shred of doubt and insecurity hanging jagged in his mind? And still, with this possibility, he continues to give so much of himself to Makoto without holding back?
The replacement of the word loving with wanting tells Makoto just how insecure he is--it bothers him so much more than the underlying implication that Haru had considered the possibility of Makoto not committing and planning to walk out when things get rough. I would never do that Haru-chan. I love you too much you big idiot, YOU SILLY BOY HARU-CHAN. "But I love you Haru-" he blurts out honestly on instinct, but realises his mind is a big blank and he doesn't know what else to say.
"... I'm not the swimmer anymore, Makoto," Haru says bitterly. "I'm not the swimmer you noticed in high school anymore." Makoto frowns when he realises just exactly where this is going. "I have like... issues. And problems. And I make you sad sometimes, and I'm not all warm and nice and cuddly like you are and sometimes I'm just-" Haru squeezes his eyes shut, to let the remaining tears fall and places his hands on Makoto's shoulders to stabilise himself. "I'm just scared that when I get too much and too different from the man you expected you'll leave me."
The fierce anger surging through his blood propels the words out of him. "I'm not leaving you. I'm never leaving you because I love you." Haru's eyes widen in shock at the sheer force and fierceness in Makoto's voice. "I'll always love you Haru," he takes the liberty of word change again deliberately, speaking slowly, aware that he's making a promise right now. He threads his fingers through Haru's that are clammy with cold sweat, committing his life, his heart, everything he has to give. "Look, this isn't even about infatuation anymore." Makoto cups his face and turns Haru up to gaze directly at him. How could he have always assumed that the revelation of his high school affection would only be romantic and never taken another way? "I mean, sure, your swimming was what made me notice you at that point in time... but we're both adults now. I know, Haru, I know you're not just that swimmer and that image was just a superficial and inaccurate one and I know that there's much more to you and-" He stops to breathe but carries on hurriedly before Haru can interrupt. "There are some things that I still don't know, but it's really not gonna change anything. Okay? You're never gonna be too much or too different because you're everything, Haru-chan. Any expectations I had were either effortlessly surpassed or replaced long ago, and whatever you are now just adds on to that." Haru's eyes well up again at that, and Makoto's hands move of their own accord to brush his fringe up from where it's matted to his forehead. "Like, yeah, sometimes I get angry but those aren't big things right? Especially since you always apologise! And you keep me falling for you so damn hard every single day, Haru-chan you have no idea-" Makoto can feel his sentimental side getting the better of him but the way Haru's eyelashes clump together when he blinks slowly encourages him to continue. "Like, when I see you cooking, or just sitting, or talking... I love your voice by the way, have I ever told you?" Haru smiles a tiny bit then, and he's beautiful even with his swollen eyes, and he leans his head forward onto Makoto's shoulder with a wistful sigh. "Don't think so."
Makoto plants a kiss on his hair and rests his cheek on Haru's head. "Your voice is so clear and sure... And I always worry about things but you make me feel safe... like I can trust you for everything. And when you whisper it cracks and when you start whisper-shouting it's adorable," Haru headbutts him lightly in indignation but nestles himself back in the crook of Makoto's neck again. "And when I make you feel good..." He trails off slyly, nosing down the curve of Haru's ear and placing a kiss on his jaw. Haru's back shakes slightly with his chuckles, making little snuffling noises through his blocked nose and oh, Makoto just wants to cuddle this boy until the world ends. "Every time your moans start to get that little bit higher I lose my head," he says, laughing a little himself. Haru is hitting his back lightly with loose fists, "And when you're sad your voice hides so much emotion under it and it just makes me want to protect you from everything that's scaring you..." He brings his knees up to fully encompass Haru within his embrace. "So don't ever hide from me ever again okay?"
"I-I feel bad though," Haru mumbles into Makoto's shirt. "You're such an expressive person and you give so much love, but I'm not as good with just saying everything like you, Makoto, and-" His whole body sags, too exhausted to voice his thoughts.
"-And it's fine that you're not the same as I am because we're two different people and we're gonna make each other better and I love you. So much." Makoto picks up the sentence and finishes it for him.
"I love everything that I know now about you, and I choose to love everything I will know in the future." Makoto affirms once again. "Believe me. Believe me okay, Haru-chan?"
Haru's head is spinning at how Makoto's words alone feel like firm ground beneath his shaky legs, and tears start spilling down his cheeks anew. "What-" he croaks out, disbelieving and overwhelmed. "-What do I need to do?" It seems so impossible, that after being lonely for so long there's someone who just comes along and takes him in wholeheartedly, gives him so much, and promises him forever. "What do you want me to do, Makoto?"
"You don't have to do anything," Makoto says softly, drawing him closer by his waist to rest his head on his chest. "Just stay... and let me love you," Haru lets out a small, broken sound at that, his arms wrapping around Makoto instead of hanging passively at his sides. It starts out loose and uncertain at first, but as the moments pass, Haru tightens his hold and Makoto reciprocates, murmuring "I love you, Haru-chan"s in his ear.
"So will you let me kiss you?" Makoto asks in a light tone and a smile. Haru doesn't respond, just pulls him in with both palms and covers his mouth with his own. "I love you, fuck, I love you Makoto," Haru sobs, and Makoto kisses his closed eyes and the stray tears clinging delicately to his lashes. He kisses his temple, and down his nose, meeting Haru's lips again and again and again.
"I'm sorry-" Haru whispers when they're laying quietly together side by side. "For doubting you and thinking... I dunno, for panicking about everything on my own and not telling you, but you know-"
"I do," Makoto affirms with a small smile and he tangles their legs together, enjoying the feel of Haru's cool, smooth skin on his. "It's scary isn't it?" Haru nods and hooks his foot around Makoto's calf, pulling them closer together.
"... I'm scared sometimes too Haru-chan," Makoto admits quietly. He doesn't really know why he's saying this now, of all times. They both need sleep after being wrung out in every way possible but it's the emptiness that you feel sometimes after giving advice and reassurance, the emptiness that wants to be filled too in the same way you had filled someone else's. Haru doesn't say anything, just rubs his thumb to tell him to continue talking. "I mean, you're such a good person," Good doesn't exactly cut it, he means more along the lines of Haru being really beautiful and intelligent, creative, semi-famous, a pleasant surprise half the time, and just so Haru in his sarcastic sense of humour, his attention to detail, his refusal to get up some mornings and just everything that he's discovered in their time together.
He's on his back, taking deep breaths now while his eyes wander across the shadowy ceiling. There's a rustling of sheets beside him and he supposes it's Haru stretching. "And like, I'm just... just kinda normal, Haru-ah!" His sentence is cut off in surprise as Haru gracelessly plops himself snuggling right next to Makoto, his nose touching Makoto's shoulder and their arms and legs all intertwined. When Haru plants a kiss on the end of his collarbone, the more powerful emotions swell, Haru's insecurities having surfaced his own as well. "I know it's kinda childish to tell you this now right? After we've... gone through-ah, no, like... talked. About um, yours, and-" He's imagined the night that he would reveal this deepest, biggest insecurity to Haru but he'd always been more eloquent in those scenarios. Maybe he should just keep his mouth shut for now and broach the issue another day. Or maybe not at all. But... hadn't he just told Haru not to hide? What must Haru think of him now?
"Makoto." Haru's voice is gentle and quiet, yet commanding. "It's okay... it's okay..." There's barely a trace of the horse sobs that sounded like they were wrenched out of his body in the calling of his name. It's like Haru has packed up all his emotions neatly back into a box to be stowed away. "I can't really... uh, do words like you right now, and I'll think about it and tell you tomorrow but for now, just... know that I feel everything you said to me towards you. And so I'll never leave you. Because I love you." He suddenly nudges Makoto's shoulder, urging him to turn around and scoots behind him, pressing his chest to his back. Makoto is usually the big spoon because it just fits more naturally that way, but Haru feels a strong need to switch up their roles right now and be the one holding him. "I'll protect you. I'll always protect you and I'll never let anyone hurt you. And if I'm the one making you sad I'll change... I'd do anything to make you happy, you know that right Mako?" The last part of his sentence is spoken in a whisper, almost like Haru is scared of spilling his secret. "And you're not just normal, you're my best friend and smart and beautiful and kind and fucking lovable even when you're doing nothing so don't ever say that again. You could have anyone, and I know you're gonna say you couldn't and tell me that I'm the eligible one but let's face it, you're literally such a lovely, good person that all my background and qualifications can never match up because I'm an asshole most of the time." Haru finds himself half-breathless with how long his sentence was but it seems like when he needs to drum Makoto's own worth into him, words are of no issue. "You could have anyone," he repeats, winding his arms tighter around Makoto's stomach. "And I'm so blessed that you keep choosing to be with me, that you love me and you put up with all my shit," Makoto sighs audibly, but it's a happy sigh. "I guess we both got lucky then," Makoto murmurs. Haru's answering smile is felt, rather than seen, and he reaches out to move Makoto's arm so it's curled around himself too.
***
"So uh, I guess we won't be having sex anymore then?" Haru pipes up after a while, startling Makoto who had thought he had gone to sleep. "...No?!" Makoto exclaims once his brain is capable of processing what Haru had asked. "Were you expecting us to?!"
"No--" Haru admits reluctantly. "Sucks though, I cleaned out for nothing,"
"Ohmygod, Haru-chan," Makoto rolls around and slaps a hand over Haru's dirty mouth out of instinct. "We have tomorrow morning, or the whole day, if you want," Haru grins mischievously, childlike and his teeth glow faintly in the darkness. "Or sometime tonight if we both randomly wake up?" He suggests.
"Whatever you want," Makoto groans, flinging an arm over his eyes. "Okay," comes the meek reply from his boyfriend. Then earnestly, seriously, he kisses Makoto on the cheek. "I love you, Makoto."
"Love you too, Haru-chan," Makoto smiles without opening his eyes, snuggling into a comfortable position that involves his arm around Haru's smaller body. "Don't forget that. And sleep, please."