Chapter Text
Sammy hears the front door of the bunker open.
He has fallen asleep on one of the armchairs of the library.
He runs up to the map table, happy to finally see his Dean there, rugged but intact:” Dean!” He throws himself in his older brother arms.
The teen freezes at the contact, and he hesitate to hug Sammy back:” Hey Sammy.” But in the end he does.
He clenches to Sammy, hiding his face the youngest brown hair.
Sammy thinks he may even feels some tears.
“Eat something warm and then go to bed. Tomorrow we will get up early to burn Desmond’s body and give him a proper funeral.” The older Dean says, before leaving with Castiel, probably going to bed.
Jack didn’t come back with them, but Sammy guesses that God has a lot to do.
“Let’s eat.” Sammy says, his brother still hasn’t let go of him:” You didn’t eat.”
“No. I wasn’t feeling it.” It’s a lie, Sam made Sammy eat something as they waited back home, but Sammy knows that Dean would just go to bed if he knew.
“Alright. Let see what we can do.”
The fridge of the kitchen is stocked, they can do whatever they want.
“What about burgers?” Dean suggest, Sammy agrees.
Dean’s burgers are the best.
“Alright. I will go wash up a moment.” Dean says:” You set the table.”
Dean is alone in the dark bathroom.
He looks at his reflection.
Cas healed the few bruises he had, against his will, while he got his older self nose fixed.
Still Dean felt like shit.
“Pull it together Winchester.” He chastises himself, trying to do the best imitation of John he could.
But he feels ridiculous.
He feels like an idiot. Because he is an idiot.
Dean feels he is about to fall apart, but he keeps it together:” Sammy needs to eat.” He reminds himself.
“Alright!” Dean returns to the kitchen:” Let’s make these burgers.”
He takes out the ingredients and starts to cook, Sammy assists him by running around the kitchen to get what Dean needs.
“And bon appetite!” Dean places down the two plates, Sammy immediately takes the first bite without hesitation:” So good.”
Dean stomach is closed.
He is really tired, and he the heavy day isn’t helping.
Desmond’s terrified face is haunting him.
Demons are demons, but he heard how hopeful the guy was when he heard that the cure is real, that he could actually get that second chance.
‘Why did I ask him? Why didn’t I go to anyone else?’
He should have gone to ask his questions to himself, or Sam or even fucking Castiel! He could get any answer he wants from fucking God!
But no.
Dean is a coward.
He couldn’t bear to look at their expressions of hate, disgust and pity.
Of his brother, of his future son and of the man that loves him.
Because, if even them look at him that way, how can Dean look at himself in any other way?
“Are you going to eat?” Sammy asks.
Dean still hasn’t touched his food:” U-umh… Yeah.”
Dean takes a bite and tries to swallow, but the food remains stuck in his throat, his stomach refusing to accept anything.
He is chocking.
Dean, in panic, rushes to the sink:” Dean!” Sammy gets up, but he is in a panic too and doesn’t know what to do.
Dean is trying to spit the piece out, but he can’t.
He sticks two fingers down his throat, making himself vomit out the bite only of food he had tonight, and the bile inside his stomach.
Finally, he can breath again.
He leans against the sink, exhausted.
Dean jumps when he feels a hand on his back, but it’s just Sammy handing over a glass of water:” Thanks.” His voice is weak.
“We should go to bed.” Sammy suggest, Dean agrees.
He downs the glass of water and, fortunately, it stays down.
They get to their room and change.
Their older versions bought some extra clothes for them, since clearly they are going to stay here a while. Five days already passed.
Dean lays there in the darkness, eyes open, knowing he will not sleep tonight.
He was going to wait for Sammy to fall asleep, so he can sneak out and take a walk, explore the bunker, read, anything but stay in the dark with his thought, but:” Dean.”
Sammy hugs tightly him from behind,:” Talk to me please.” Dean don’t respond, words are heavy now
“Or cry. Or shout. Or whatever you want to do!”
“But don’t lock me out, please don’t leave me alone. Let me be in your corner.”
Dean knows that he should, Sammy is his brother.
He’s his blood, the only connection that is constant and stable in his life.
But Dean’s corner his so dark and ugly. It’s not a place where Sam should be.
“Dean, I don’t want you to be alone.” Sammy start to cry in frustration, he doesn’t know how to get through Dean, how to make him listen.
“I hate thinking of you alone. It’s make me sad.”
Dean, finally, slowly turns towards him.
He hugs him back, Dean buries his face in Sammy’s messy hair.
They don’t speak more, but Sammy hears that Dean has started to quietly cry.
He can count on his hands how many times he saw Dean cry in his life.
So, it’s not the full conversation that Sammy wanted, but it’s a start.
&&&
It’s early morning.
Yesterday, Sam already prepared Desmond’s body for the funeral.
Dean helps his older self carry him out of the bunker, and place it on the pyre.
They place salt and gasoline on the body, then the younger Dean lights the fire.
They stare at the fire together for a while, but slowly all the older men leave to do their task of the day.
In the end it’s only Sammy and him.
Sammy has been following Dean around since they got up, and the teen has the impression that he isn’t going to stop anytime soon.
“Get inside Sammy.” His little bother doesn’t move:” It’s fine I don-”
“I just need a moment alone.” Dean interrupts him.
Sammy still eyes him worried:” I will come find you as soon as I get inside again.”
Sammy at that point doesn’t insist:” Alright.”
Dean is alone, and he is about to do something e never really did: pray.
He has some questions about the universe… and for once he might actually get answers.
He was going to directly ask Jack, since he knows everything.
But that is also his future kid, children shouldn’t bear the emotional crap of their parents.
That means he is going to pray to:” Castiel.” He says out loud:” Fuck… I never did this…” Pastor Jim made them learn basically any prayer that there is, both in English and in Latin (which is very useful for hunting), but Dean sucks to remember the ones he considers useless.
Like, every prayer for angels that can’t be used against evil creatures, since he didn’t think they existed until a few days ago.
“Umh...Angel of God, my guardian d-dear…” Dean blushes:” to whom G-God’s love commits me here uhm- ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide.”
“Amen. “
Dean waits a moment, but there is no other sound than the popping of the fire.
Dean feels embarrassed:” I should have just search for him.”
“That was the most polite and sweet prayer you did for me since I met you.”
Dean jumps, Cas has silently appeared by his side:” Jesus!” “I am Castiel.”
Dean can’t believe he has just heard a joke about Jesus Christ from an angel of the Lord.
“Is it a family trait to just appear and give people heart attacks?” Castiel smiles:” I have no idea what you mean.”
‘Bastard.’ Dean thinks, rolling his eyes to the air.
“Dean.” Now Cas tone is solemn, but still kind:” I hear the doubts in your prayer, ask your questions.”
“W-what happens to demons when they die?” He stares at the ground, not daring to directly watch to the dying pyre.
Cas expression reminds kind, he expected this question.
“They share the same fate as angels. They fall in a peaceful sleep in the Empty for eternity.”
“The Empty?”
Castiel nods:” It was what was here before Creation, and it’s what there is going to be after It. Nothing.”
“I-it’s a good sleeping?” Dean asks, his voice trembles a little.
“The Shadow who controls the Empty, love their sleep to be ininterrupted, so he gives everyone a True Rest, it’s peaceful and calm.” Cas makes a pause:” Well… outside special cases.”
“Special cases?”
Cas looks away:” Actually one special case. Me.” Dean now looks up to the older man, confused:” You?”
Cas passes a hand through his hair:” I… I died many times, getting revived many times.”
Dean would have many questions about Cas’ multiple deaths, but he lets the angel continue.
“In all of those occasion I went to the Empty, asleep and had no idea that angels and demons ended up there.”
“I also died when Jack was born. But he called out to me, waking up me up in there… which greatly disturbed the Empty.”
“And then I annoyed them so much that he brought me back to life.”
Dean is genuinely impressed.
“The Empty didn’t forget this… And then I got taken away, they tortured me in my sleep.”
“Fortunately, I was saved by you and Jack found an agreement with the Empty.”
Dean feels like a piece of the story is missing, but he doesn’t press, he has other questions.
“So Desmond…” Cas places a hand on Dean’s right shoulder:” Desmond is in the Empty, the cure didn’t take enough effect to make him human enough for any other place.”
“He is sleeping peacefully.”
This should comfort Dean a little, but it isn’t really working.
Dean has a feeling that Desmond wasn’t aiming to an eternal sleep, but to do something better with is life, repent for whatever landed him in Hell.
&&&
“Dean?” Sammy calls entering the kitchen:” Yes?” But it’s not his Dean to respond, it’s the forty years old Dean.
“Ah sorry- I was searching for Dean-well- younger Dean.” Sammy sighs exasperated:” This is confusing.”
Dean laugh:” I agree. We need a nickname.” Not that Dean had many nicknames in his life:” I have zero ideas.” Sammy says.
Dean gets devious smirk:” I do have an idea.”
A while later, young Dean walks in the room:” Hey.”
“Hello Bean.” Sammy says, Bean freezes on the door:” What did you called me???”
“You heard him, Bean.” Dean says, a satisfied expression painted on his face.
Bean would glare, but he is just flabbergasted.
Dean and Sammy snicker.
As if summoned, Sam arrives as well:” Hey guys.” He notices the strange vibes of the room:” What is going on?”
Dean smirks:” We found a nickname for mini-me! Bean!”
Sam remembers something:” Wait! It was I called when I couldn’t say Dean correctly!” Dean nods:” Seems fitting.”
Bean is blushing, passing a hand over his face:” You aren’t going to to call me that.” Sammy smirks:” Sorry, Bean. Not your decisions to make!” He walks past Bean, shoving him before running off.
“You little bastard!” Bean runs after him.
The two older Winchester laugh.