Chapter Text
Dinner had ended and the girls had made their way to bed after spending the night quietly studying. As hard as the two guardians of the Atelier tried to keep up appearances, the girls could feel the underlining tension. Though neither man would acknowledge it.
Agott, bless her, had called it an early night, and had forced the others upstairs. Even after that Qifrey continued to busy himself with cleaning the kitchen and Olly pretended to be working on some spells in his palm quire. They kept this up until they were sure the girls were in their rooms and not spying on them from the stairs.
Finally, Olly couldn’t wait any longer and cleared his throat. “Care to join me.” He asked, turning his head to where Qifrey was wiping down the table for the 7th time that night.
Qifrey’s body went rigid. It was a common enough request between the two. Normally he would turn his head and see Olly standing there, loop chalices in one hand and wine bottle in the other, but tonight was different. When he finally turned his head to look at Olly on the couch, there were no loop chalices, no wine, not even his charming smile. Just his oldest and dearest friend watching him with worried eyes.
Qifrey took in a fortifying breath. “I suppose I’ve made you wait long enough.”
Olly watched as Qifrey made his way over to sit next to him on the couch. Every step was that of a man walking to his death. When he sat, he kept a careful distance between the two of them.
“Hey,” Olly called softly, placing his hand on Qifrey’s shoulder. The man flinched violently causing Olly to lift his hand away. “Will you please look at me.” Olly’s heart was already in pieces. He didn’t know it could shatter more. Then Qifrey looked at him with this quiet acceptance, this look of abject defeat. Olly refused that. This wasn’t the end of them. “I think we need to establish some ground rules before we begin.”
Qifrey took in a shuddering breath. “Yes, yes that is a good idea.”
“You said yesterday that if you ever felt to comfortable, safe or loved it could kill you right?” Olly asked to make sure he understood the rules of their conversation.
Qifrey straightened up. “Yes, that is correct.”
“Then if at any point in this conversation you think we are getting too close to any of those. If you think this could-” he cut himself off. Olly already hated this but he needed more information. “If this could hurt you, just tell me to stop and I will. I won’t push. I might see if we can change the topic, but if we need to stop completely we will. I won’t risk your safety for the sake of my own curiosity.” Olly made sure to hold eye contact with Qifrey. This was important. He wasn’t going to let Qifrey die.
Qifrey looked like he was in pain. It was the same face he had when he was suffering from a migraine. Olly wondered if he had one all day and refused to tell him. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Finally, Qifrey spoke. “That should work.”
Olly closed his eyes and blew out a breath, “Okay, okay let’s do this.” He turned his attention back onto Qifrey. “Yesterday you told me you were in love with me, but you didn’t give me the chance to tell that I-”
“Stop!” Qifrey’s hand shot up to cover Olly’s, his head dropping to break eye contact with his friend. “Please. Don’t say it.”
Olly stilled. His hand trembled in Qifrey’s grasp. He couldn’t even tell him he loved him back. The thing he had been dreaming of doing for years, and he couldn’t do it. No that was a selfish thought. The most important thing was keeping Qifrey alive. Olly would figure out what was done to him and find a way to undo it. Then once Qifrey was safe Olruggio would spend the rest of his life telling Qifrey just how much he loved him.
“I figured that would be too much. I’m sorry. That was selfish of me.” Olly apologized, ready to move on.
Qifrey tightened his hold around his hand. “It’s not selfish! And please don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault I can’t…” he trailed off unwilling or unable to finish his statement.
Olly wanted to comfort him, but he needed to stay focus. “I have some questions about how you’ve been managing this.” He waited for Qifrey to give a small nod before he continued. “For our whole friendship,” Olly looked down at his lap unable to look at Qifrey when he answered his question. “All these years, have I been killing you?”
He heard Qifrey’s quick intake of breath. “Olly.” He practically whined out his name, it was an injured sound, and it was all the confirmation Olruggio needed.
“I knew it.” Olly stood up abruptly to pace the room, leaving a distressed Qifrey on the couch.
“Olly.” Qifrey quietly called him slowly reaching his hand out towards him, but Olruggio couldn’t sit at this moment. Couldn’t be comforted by the man he had been slowly killing for years.
“All of it. Our friendship. Our adventures.” He reached his hands into his hair as he paced, pulling on the strands.
“Olly no.” Qifrey’s voice was watery, but Olruggio barely heard it over his own roaring thoughts.
“Every contraption I made for you. It’s all been killing you. I’ve been killing you.” Olly couldn’t stop his racing thoughts. The guilt he had carried with him all day coming down with crushing force.
“Olly please.” Qifrey begged as he started to stand up. Olruggio hadn’t noticed the movement, but his body stilled as the last horrifying realization came to him.
“And I became your watchful eye. We planned our lives together. I never wanted to be anywhere else.” He pivoted quickly to face Qifrey. The taller man was now standing before him. His hands clenched together over his heart as tears streamed down his face. “Would it have been better for you if I wasn’t here.”
“No!” Qifrey finally couldn’t take anymore. He rushed forward and placed both hands on Olly’s shoulders. He didn’t pull him into a hug, Olly assumed that it would be too much. “No, you haven’t been killing me.” Qifrey paused for a moment thinking over his words. “Everything about you makes me feel safe and loved, and I know that you make so many wonderfully kind contraptions to make my life easier.”
“Qifrey,” Olly cut in, “that sounds exactly like the emotions you said would kill you.” Olly watched as several emotions played across Qifrey’s face.
“Yes, all those emotions can kill me. But I want you here.” Qifrey rushed to explain himself. “It would be easier to stay alive if you weren’t here but then I’d be miserable. You don’t have to worry about me I have a system in place to keep me alive.”
Olruggio had so many mixed emotions on what he was learning. On one hand, Qifrey wanted to be with him. Had openly admitted that he would be miserable without him. Getting Qifrey to be honest with his emotions was like pulling teeth, and Olly now understood why. But add that to the fact Qifrey confessed to being in love with him yesterday, Olly wished he could scream his love and devotion back to this man. But he couldn’t, not without killing him.
But his own emotions don’t matter right now. Qifrey’s safety did.
That brings up the other two things he just said.
‘Don’t worry about me.’ Olly’s not giving that idea the time of day. There has never been a moment since he met Qifrey that he wasn’t worried about him. How could Qifrey ever think that he wouldn’t worry about his DYING best friend. If he wasn’t so in love with this idiot, he… he didn’t honestly know what he’d do, he couldn’t even imagine about hurting Qifrey on purpose.
Moving on to the third thing. ‘I have a system.’ What did that mean?
Olly reached up and gently guided Qifrey’s hands from his shoulders, bringing them to rest directly over his heart. “What system?” Qifrey broke eye contact, shame coloring his features. Olly gave his hands a gentle squeeze. “Qifrey, what is the system you use to keep yourself alive?”
Qifrey still couldn’t meet his eyes when he answered. “Guilt.”
Olly stilled trying to understand what his friend meant. “Qifrey, you’re going to have to give me a little more than that. What are you guilty about?”
Slowly Qifrey raised his head. “Everything. I’ve taken so much from you.”
“No, you haven’t.” Olly instantly tried to soothe him. He didn’t even think about it, it was his natural state of being, caring for Qifrey.
“Yes. I have. I have taken everything from you, and I can’t even tell you about it.” Qifrey’s voice shook as he lowered his head to rest on their joint hands. “Please don’t ask me to tell you, I will but I’ll-”
Olly’s heart seized. “Then don’t. Take whatever you want from me and keep it forever. I never want to know. I’d pay any price to keep you here.”
“Olly.” Qifrey’s voice was shaky. He had moved one of his hands out of Olly’s grasp to hold his missing eye as if he were in pain. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“And I don’t care. Not about me.” He paused watching Qifrey’s trembling frame. Was this too much comfort? Was he killing his beloved right now? They needed to switch topics. “But I do care about the girls.”
Qifrey’s trembling slowed but he still didn’t raise his head. “The girls?” He repeated back in an unsure voice. “What about them?”
This was the part of the conversation that Olly truly dreaded. “Why did you take on apprentices? If you knew this was your fate, why would you take them on. It’s obvious how much you adore them.”
Qifrey blew out a breath. “For so many reasons. It started as Beldaruit’s idea. He thought I’d be good at it, give me something stable. And at first, I thought it was his way of getting back at me for my own apprenticeship, for how much stress I must have added to his life, how much harder I must have made it for him. I didn’t want to take on students just to use them to stay alive. To have such a turbulent relationship with them that my curse wouldn’t activate. I couldn’t do that to a child. Couldn’t make them suffer for my own well-being.
Then he told me that while he was stressed, he never regretted taking me in. He was stressed because he cared about me and didn’t want me to get hurt again.
That, the idea of caring for someone so much you worried about them constantly. I could do that. After all,” he let out a soft chuckle, “I already worry about you every day.” He finally tilted his head up to look at Olly through his bangs.
“Oh please.” Olly’s response was gruff. “I barely do anything that you need to worry over.” He could feel his cheeks burn.
Qifrey looked back down again as if picking his words, before settling on, “You do burn yourself quite regularly.”
The two shared a small chuckle. Before Qifrey refocused them. “When we started planning to build the Atelier, all of my leads on the Brim caps had dried up. I thought there was no chance of getting answers. That maybe I could live the rest of my life here with you. Taking care of my students, trying to be the person you always wanted me to be. Until the peace of it all finally did me in.”
“Qifrey,” Olruggio’s voice was wrecked.
“Then Agott came along, and I loved her from the start and I was terrified. What if she got hurt? What if she hated me? What if her mother changed her mind and wanted her back? Then Tetia joined and how could I not adore her just as much as Agott. But I was terrified. They both need me in completely different ways, and I could never be enough for both of them. And then Richeh and Coco, and I love them all. I love them all so much, and every day I’m terrified. What if I fail them?” Qifrey let out a shaky sigh. “I’ve already failed them. I’ve failed all of them.”
“That’s not-” Olly started to interject. Clutching Qifrey’s hand tightly to his chest.
“It is true. I can never be what they need. Tetia loves hugs and physical affection but the only way I can hug her is by mentally reminding myself how many times I’ve failed her. Richeh and Agott need a stable environment with an adult they can trust. I could die on them at any moment and throw them right back where they were. And Coco, I can’t protect her.”
“Qifrey.” Olly’s right hand let go of Qifrey’s hand so he could cup Qifrey’s cheek. “You haven’t-”
“Olly.” Qifrey cut him off. “I have and I will continue to fail them. And that guilt keeps me alive.”
Olly stilled. This was awful. Qifrey, his Qifrey, who loved their girls more than anything. Who had suffered more than anyone should ever have to. WHO had built himself up from scratch at the age of eight. Who despite it all was still so kind and gentle. Who thought he was a failure, that he failed their girls every day. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. He was so patient and gentle with their girls. He was one of the best teachers Olruggio had ever known.
And he couldn’t tell him any of this. He wanted nothing more than to gather Qifrey close and tell him how perfect he was until Qifrey could see himself the way Olruggio saw him. But he couldn’t do that. It would kill Qifrey.
Olruggio needed to move this conversation along. Needed to start finding answers rather than heartbreak.
“So, guilt and worry keeps you alive?” He asked to clarify what Qifrey needed.
Qifrey gave a subtle nod. “Guilt, worry, anxiety, stress, I need to feel these things. If I don’t then...” He trailed off not wanting to finish his sentence.
Olly nodded and then thought back over their conversation. Trying to see if Qifrey had given him any more clues he could work with. “You said when we started building the Atelier that you had run out of leads. Is Coco a new lead?” Olly hated the idea and hated that he had to ask.
Qifrey blew out a deep breath. “Yes and no. It is the first time forbidden magic has been used in four years. The forbidden spell, the magic picture book, it was the first lead I’d had in years. I wish I had gotten back to Coco house sooner. I wish I could have saved her mother as well. She doesn’t deserve the tragedy she’s lived through. But I’m not sorry that she’s here. That she’s my student. And while I wanted to use her connection to the Brim caps to find them, I never thought they would come after her the way they have. If I had known… I still would have taken her in, she deserves to be protected and cared for, I just wish that her presence didn’t put the rest of you in danger. I’d do anything to keep you all safe. I would give up my chance for answers if it meant, Coco, Agott, Tetia, Richeh, and you were safe.”
Olly never should have doubted him. There was a time he thought Qifrey might just be using Coco for her connection to his past. But it seems Qifrey truly was focused on the future, all of their futures. Olly knew Qifrey would sacrifice anything for the girls.
And Olly would sacrifice anything for Qifrey and their girls.
“Do you believe the Brim caps have a cure for what is killing you.” There it was, the million-dollar question.
Qifrey locked eyes with him once again, before leaning his cheek into the palm still resting on his face. “They are the ones who experimented on me. If anyone has a cure or a starting point to create one, it’s them.”
It all made perfect sense to Olly, Qifrey’s desperation to chase any trail the Brim caps left behind. But he couldn’t let Qifrey keep going like this. Things need to change. He needed a plan.
Then I came to him. It was so painfully obvious. Qifrey would hate it. But wasn’t that a good thing?
“Alright,” Olly said. He gave Qifrey’s hand a quick squeeze to get his attention back on him. “I know how we are going to handle this.”
Qifrey sucked in a quick breath, his hand clutching to Olruggio’s as if he thought he’d disappear forever if he wasn’t actively holding him. Olly thought back to Qifrey’s prior statement. ‘I have taken everything from you’ and for the first time in the conversation Olruggio wondered just what Qifrey meant by that and why he looked so terrified and guilty right now.
A question for once they were done with this mess. Once Qifrey was safe.
“You are going to tell me every lead you have on the Brim caps. Every piece of information you can give me.” Qifrey started to squirm, “if you can’t physically tell me then write it down and I won’t tell you when I read it. You will never know what I do and do not know. Will that work.” He watched Qifrey think over the offer for a moment before giving a weak nod.
“Yes, that might just work.” Qifrey sounded unsure and Olruggio wasn’t going to risk him on something that ‘might’ work.
“Will it work if I tell you that from the moment you give me the information you are no longer hunting the Brim caps?” Olly watched Qifrey still before he ripped himself out of Olruggio’s hold taking several steps back.
“Olly I need to go after them. I need answers. I-”
“Need to be here for your students.” Olly cut himself off. Qifrey stilled all the energy seeming to leave his body. “You will stay here and keep the girls safe. You will live the life we planned. Teaching, cooking, caring for the girls. The things I know make you happy, things I know will keep you safe.”
“Olly, I think you’re forgetting about the problem here.” Qifrey said, cocking his head to the side as he tried to puzzle out his best friend. “Those are the emotions and activities that will kill me faster.”
“Not if we balance them with guilt and anxiety.” Olly continued to lay out his plan. “I said you wouldn’t be chasing after Brim caps, I never said I wouldn’t.”
Qifrey’s face pale as he shook his head. “No.” His voice was quite with disbelief. “Olly you can’t! What if you get hurt? What if the Knights of Morales catch you?” He moved forward to place his hands on Olly’s shoulders, his grip tight. “They will take all of your memories of magic. The world needs Olruggio of the Torch. The girls need their Watchful Eye. I need my best friend!” His voice had become more and more panicked as he went and tears started to trace down his cheek.
Olruggio wrapped his arms around Qifrey’s waist and pulled him close drawling a sob out of the man. He wished he could offer him comfort, wanted to promise him anything as long as he stopped crying. Olruggio hated when he cried, hated even more that he was the one that made him cry. But comforting him wouldn’t help right now. So, he spoke the truth instead.
“And I need you.” Another sob escaped Qifrey’s lips as he buried his face in Olruggio’s neck. “So, I’m going to find a cure. I’ll search until the end of the world. I’ll hunt every Brim cap down. I’ll take on every risk, every injury.” He reached his hand up to Qifrey cheek and pulled back just enough so that Qifrey had to look at him. He needed to look at him.
“And you are going to carry the guilt that I’m out there fighting for you. Every time I leave for a commission you are going to have to deal with the anxiety of wondering if it’s a true commission or lead I’m hunting down. You’re going to have to deal with the stress of knowing what I am doing and knowing you cannot help me. I don’t want you to help me.” Tears spilled down Qifrey’s face at every word. “Now that you know what I’m going to do with the information you have on the Brim caps, can you give it to me without it hurting you?”
Qifrey’s voice was rough from tears and wobbling. “Yes. But Olly I don’t want-”
“You don’t want me to do this. Qifrey I’ve spent the majority of our lives knowing you were hiding something from me. Knowing that you were doing dangerous things and you wouldn’t let me help you. I know exactly how anxious and afraid I was for you. Now I have an idea what’s happening and I can help you. I’m going to help you. And normally I would say, ‘well face this together’ but you need anxiety and fear to stay alive. This is the best way I can give you those emotions while keeping you and the girls safe.”
The two stood there in silence for a moment. Both coming to terms with their new arrangement.
“There is nothing I can say to change your mind is there?” Qifrey phrased it like a question but they both knew the answer.
“Not unless you have another idea that can keep you safe and find a solution to our problem.” Olly wasn’t going to be swayed.
“Why? Why do you always sacrifice so much for me?” Qifrey’s voice was tinged with disbelief and despair. Olly leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead.
“You know why.” Olly then thought for a second. He knew how far he was willing to go for Qifrey. If the only way to save Qifrey was to use forbidden magic. If the only way to counter whatever forbidden curse they placed on him was to undo it with forbidden magic, he would use it. It was one of the main reasons he didn’t want Qifrey searching anymore.
With Easthies as head of the Knights of Morales, Qifrey would always be under suspicion. Easthies had never liked him, thinking the outsider drenched in dark magic had no place in witch society, and his opinion of Qifrey had only grown worse with age. He didn’t like Olruggio very much either, but he wasn’t under the tight scrutiny that Qifrey was unless he was being questioned about Qifrey. He was less likely to be caught for or accused of forbidden magic.
Even if he was able to find a cure for Qifrey that didn’t involve the use of forbidden magic, looking into Brim caps ‘research’ (if the experiments on Qifrey could even be called research) would get him in just as much trouble as using forbidden magic. And hunting down Brim caps without telling the Knights would also land him in hot water. The girls needed at least one of the adults taking care of them to not be risking their lives, memories, and magic. Qifrey would be the safe one for once.
Olly wasn’t stupid. He’d keep all his findings written down and hidden. He’d make sure the journal had a spell that would only allow himself or Qifrey to read it. If he failed and got his memory wiped, then Qifrey could keep all the progress he made.
But if he got his memory wiped, he’d lose Qifrey and the girls forever. It was a risk he was willing to take, but just incase…
He held Qifrey tight for a moment longer, trying to memorize the feeling of him in his arms. Finally, he let go and put some space between them. His hands still lingering on Qifrey’s sides, but they were no longer pressed together. “Qifrey.” Said man looked at him, his tears were starting to slow and he look devastated already. “If I do get caught by the knights and get my memories erased,” Qifrey’s eye filled with panic and his hands tightened on his shoulders but Olly push forward.
“I won’t remember anything. They will take all of my memories of magic, and I’ve known about it my whole life. I’ll be all alone in a world I know nothing about. If that happens-”
“It won’t.” Qifrey was firm. “It won’t happen if you don’t do this.” Qifrey must have seen the determined look on Olruggio’s face. There was no talking him out of this. “It won’t happen because you won’t get caught.”
“But if it does, promise me something?” Olly asked as he brushed his fingers through Qifrey’s hair.
“Anything.” Qifrey hands were tight on his shoulders and his voice firm.
“Promise me you’ll find me. Tell me that you know me.” He stilled then thinking over his next words. “Do you think the memory wiped, knowing I’ve lost all of my memories for you would be enough guilt, for you to be able to tell me you were my husband? That we could live the rest of our lives together with me believing I lost my memories in an accident and you knowing the truth. Would that be enough to allow you to be happy for the rest of your life.” He paused again as Qifrey let out another sob. “Would being married to me make you happy.”
It’s Qifrey who pulls them into a hug this time. “You have no idea how happy that would make me.” He stilled as the two of them just held each other for a moment. The next time he spoke it was quiet. “I think it would. If that happened, it would be enough guilt to destroy me for a lifetime.”
Olly held him tighter. “Well then. We have our backup plan.” Let them be Partners in Pain for the rest of their lives