Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Ash is a man of his word. He leaves Tubbo alone. 

He doesn’t bring up the cure or the experiments again. Tubbo returned to his usual work fixing things in the regime and working on the death star. 

They don’t talk about it. Ash doesn’t even allude to it. It would be like nothing even happened–

Except Ash was acting differently. 

It was in the small things. How his expressions lagged a second behind, like he was curating what he allowed himself to show. How their conversations remained focused on the task at hand, instead of devolving into rambles about whatever was on Ash’s mind. He spoke less. Thought more. 

It wasn’t a good sign. There was a reason why Tubbo was the ideas guy around here. Nothing good ever came out when Ash was allowed space in his own head. 

There was a wall between them that wasn’t there before. It reminded Tubbo of the early days on the island, back when Ash was so cold and selective with his praise. 

Wow. It felt like a lifetime ago. Tubbo felt a wave of nostalgia as memories bubbled up to the surface.

When Tubbo first arrived on the island, he had no plans on joining any group. All he wanted was to keep to himself. Stay out of conflicts and work on his machines. Live a life independently from anything and everyone. 

Then, he met Ash. 

He spotted him from afar at first. He was doing the same thing as Tubbo, standing at the edge of the room, as the others chatted and made introductions. 

Like him then. Or just shy. His entire body was covered with glitches, making it impossible to see his face or even his clothes. His unusual appearance received many curious glances, but his closed off body language deterred most from approaching him. It was rigid. Military perhaps? Or an independent. 

Interesting. Tubbo was known more for his machines and hardware, but he’d done his fair share of programming. He’d never encountered someone with bugged player code before. 

Tubbo watched as a few people came up to him. He couldn’t make out their words, but whatever Ash said seemed to disturb them because after shaking his hand, they left quickly after. Besides that, Ash stayed out of the main group, content to observe from afar. 

He squinted at the man’s nametag to note it down. Ash– something? The letters were far away, and his dyslexia wasn’t making it any easier. Ash– swag. Ashswag. Marking a mental note to remember the name, he lowered his gaze to see the other man looking straight back at him. 

He froze. As he debated whether Ashswag was watching him or just facing the general direction, the man raised a hand and waved. 

Oop. Busted. 

The man began to walk over. Tubbo plastered on a friendly smile and tried not to look like he’d been caught. 

“I saw you staring at me. Can I help you?” Ashswag asked. 

The polite thing to do would be to apologize, but Tubbo was feeling like being a bit of a shit today, so instead he said, “Actually, I wasn’t staring at you, I was staring at the beam behind you.”

“Oh?” The lower part of Ashswag’s face was the only part of him left exposed, allowing Tubbo to see the amused line of his mouth. “And why exactly would that catch your attention?”

“I was analyzing the structural integrity of the boat. With the hull damaged by the crash, it’d be an issue if the ceiling collapsed in on itself while we’re using it for shelter.”

Ashswag cocked his head to the side. “It doesn’t look like it's about to collapse.”

“Actually, this may surprise you, but structural failures are almost always preceded by invisible symptoms, until it’s too late. Microfracturing, compression fatigue, internal delamination– all of these things could cause a seemingly stable structure to suddenly collapse.” He squinted upwards with mock focus. “I estimate it’ll only take approximately two hours for the ceiling to begin to sag. Another seven, and we’ll be crushed under the weight of twenty tons of steel.”

Ashswag’s mouth pressed into a thin line, the corners of his mouth twitching. “Well, that seems like a very important task. Apologies for interrupting you.”

“Apology accepted,” Tubbo said primly. 

That finally broke the man into a laugh. Tubbo suppressed a grin.

When he was sure that his voice wouldn't betray him, Tubbo continued, “Well, since you asked, allow me to question you in return. I noticed you also seemed to be watching from afar. I was observing the structural integrity, so what’s your excuse?”

“I’m scoping out recruits,” Ashswag said without missing a beat. “I’m looking for people worthy of joining my group.”

“Oh?” Tubbo raised an eyebrow. “What group?”

Ashswag’s lips pulled into a toothy grin. “The group that will rule this island of course.” 

Huh. This had taken an unexpected turn. There was a pause, as Ashswag tilted his head up challengingly.

"Hm," Tubbo said, noncommital. "Could you explain?"

"Certainly." Ash gestured around them. "We’re stranded on an uninhabited island with a bunch of strangers, who share nothing, not even a language. Inevitably, things will fall into chaos as we all struggle to survive. These people need a leader to keep them unified.”

“And I’m guessing you’ve nominated yourself for the task?”

Ashswag grinned. “Exactly.”

“How gracious of you,” Tubbo said dryly. “And what about the people who don’t want to follow you?”

“What do you think? When people step out of line, society punishes them. That’s what the law is for: to keep order and maintain the peace. If there’s no law enforcement, I’ll just have to make one, as well as the laws, to keep those guys in check.”

Tubbo was beginning to understand why people avoided Ashswag after talking to him. It was a shame because he actually seemed like a pretty fun guy to talk to outside of his authoritarian pursuits. A rare instance of personality not predating ideology. 

Ashswag was still smiling at him. There was a playful edge to his expression, like he absolutely knew what he was doing and was seeing how Tubbo would react. 

Tubbo crossed his arms. “You keep saying ‘those guys’. In other words, excluding us. What’s that about?”

Ashswag raised his hands. Or what Tubbo thought was his hands, the particles made it difficult to tell. 

“You caught me,” he said. “I wanted to invite you to join me. I can handle the firepower, fighting, and politics on my own, but resources and infrastructure? That requires a different kind of expertise.”

Tubbo tilted his head to the side, taken slightly off-guard. “And what makes you think I can provide that?”

“You’re smart. Perceptive.” Ashswag listed all of these things, not the slightest bit of uncertainty in his words. “You’re staying to the sides instead of mingling with the group. I doubt it’s because you’re shy. Conclusion: You’re not the type of person to just go along with the majority. You like to draw your own conclusions and make a plan.”

Ah. This was a test. Clever, using a conversation to gauge someone’s personality. Still, having his personality analyzed by a guy he’d met five minutes ago felt strange. He fought the urge to shift on his feet. 

“Everyone else ran away the second I started talking about my plans. You’re pretty brave.”

Ah, he’d finally gotten something wrong. Tubbo looked away. “Most people would disagree.”

Ashswag leaned in. “Most people would have walked away by now. But you’re still here. Why?”

“I guess I’m not like most people,” Tubbo said after a pause. 

That seemed to be the correct answer. “No.” Ashswag said, satisfied. “I don’t think so.”

He straightened up, neatly folding his hands behind his back. “So, are you interested?”

Tubbo hesitated. “I’m not really into politics.”

Ashswag didn’t budge. “Not a problem. I’m strong enough to deal with the other islanders on my own. All you need to do is help me build our base and industrialize our farms.” When Tubbo still seemed uncertain, he continued, “As the new member to join, you’ll be my chief engineer. I’ll give you full reign on the design and mechanical operations of our group. Anything you say goes.”

Tubbo’s eyes widened. That was a crazy amount of creative control to give to a stranger.

“All I’d have to do is design architecture and machines for you?” he asked. 

Ashswag nodded. “That’s it. I won’t involve you beyond anything in the scope of your job. You won’t even have to interact with the other members, if that’s what you’d prefer. I’ll provide you with all the resources and protection you need.” 

Tubbo looked away. It was a tempting offer. On one hand, having full control over the design of an entire faction’s infrastructure was an engineer’s dream. On the other, joining a group whose sole purpose was to subjugate the rest of the islanders sounded like the perfect way to get a target on his back. 

“You say you won’t involve me, but how can you guarantee that when you’re making enemies with the rest of the island?” he pointed out. 

For the first time, Ashswag’s smile dropped. His voice lowered into something dark and cold. 

“I’m the strongest,” he said. “No one will dare to mess with you, as long as I’m around.”

The air crackled as the particles covering his body began to ripple and glow. The glitch covering his eyes pulsed in a menacing hum. 

Tubbo’s body instinctively stepped back. 

Then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. The glitches smoothed out to their regular activity, and the tension in the air faded away. 

“So, how about it?” Ashswag asked cheerfully. “Wanna be my underling?”

Tubbo paused to think.

On one hand, joining a dictatorship was a good way to make people leave him alone. Even if Ash couldn’t fully dissuade the attacks of other islanders, he could act as a good deterrent. On the other hand, he’d basically become enemies with everyone else by association. 

He contemplated his options. With a team, he’d be able to skip the most boring part of building: grinding. Things that would normally take him months could be cut down to weeks. Sure, he could join another group, but then he might have to deal with bureaucracy and collaborating with others. He’d never been much of a team player due to his streak of being a control freak when it comes to his builds. 

The more he thought about it, the more appealing the offer became. In a way, this was basically what he was planning to do anyways. Now, he’d just basically have a manager overseeing his work. 

And if his manager ended up being a crazy, megalomaniac dictator, well… 

Tubbo was a little crazy too. It’s not like he was going to live long, so he might as well have some fun before he goes out. 

“Fine. I’m in,” he decided.

Ashswag perked up, then immediately tried to hide it. “Good,” he said, trying and failing to stifle his grin. “You won’t regret it.”

He extended a hand and Tubbo shook it. He barely managed to hide a twitch at the strange sensation of particles enveloping his hand. It kinda felt like sticking his hand in a jar full of moths. 

“I’m looking forward to seeing what you can do, Tubbo.”

“Hope you can handle it,” Tubbo quipped back.

And that’s pretty much how it went. Most people assumed that Tubbo was blackmailed or threatened into joining, but the reality was just a few well-placed words. Was it too easy? Maybe. But what could he say? He was given a very good offer. 

At the time, his mind instinctively reeled at the idea of joining another group, and he fought to soothe that paranoid voice in his voice. This wouldn’t be like the other times. He wasn’t about to make friends, nor was he getting attached. This was just a job. 

Tubbo knew he was being used. Ashswag wanted him as a valuable tool, and in exchange Tubbo got some manual labor and gear. It was a mutual arrangement, nothing more and nothing less. 

It was fine. 

“So, what’s this group called anyways?” he asked.

“I was thinking… the regime.”

That day felt like a lifetime ago. He could remember those early days, back when the regime was just a flattened plain of grass and it was just Haiper, Ash, and him. 

Ash was different back then. He was so stiff, trying so hard to play the part of a cold, ruthless supreme leader that it wrapped around to being awkward. Like someone pretending to be human from movies or books. 

He remembered the day that Ash began to change. Tubbo had just built a new farm, and he was giving Ash a demonstration. There was awe in Ash’s expression as he watched the machine churn out stacks of ores before his eyes. 

“Wow,” he murmured. Even back then, he was so easy to read. His emotions leaked out no matter how hard he tried to hide them. 

Ash had whipped his head towards Tubbo. His next words came out in an excited rush. “Can you teach me how it works?”

Immediately after he said that, Ash jerked his head down, like he was embarrassed. Those words had surprised Tubbo. It wasn’t very often people were interested in understanding his machines. They only cared what his machines could do for them, not the process of making them.

And in that mix of surprise and another emotion Tubbo didn’t know the name of, he had responded without thinking. “Sure.”

Ash lifted his head, shock painted over his expression, and that emotion had swelled. His heart had felt like a balloon about to burst, and when it did, words spilled out of his mouth, ramblings going on and on like an overflowing current. Ash had listened all the while.

Things were different after that. Ash opened up both slowly and all at once, like he’d been waiting his whole life. Suddenly, his facade fell away, allowing Tubbo to see his raw emotions for the first time. He began to ask more questions, and compliment Tubbo openly. 

A genius! He liked to tell others. I’d be lost without him.

Looking back on it, that was also the moment ‘Ashswag’ became ‘Ash’. 

He was reminded of that moment because it was the day that Ash’s supreme leader mask began to fall away. Now, it was like they had traveled back in time. 

Sure, Ash wasn’t exactly the same. He didn’t speak coldly or overly formally anymore, and was more open to other’s input, but the walls were the same. He was closed off.

It was apparent now that Ash did have the ability to make himself unreadable, but had allowed Tubbo to see through him anyway. The emotions Tubbo noticed were always the ones that Ash allowed him to see. Just a few days ago, that would have been all of them, but that was no longer the case. He’d lost the privilege. 

Something ugly rose within him. You said that it was okay if I couldn’t do it, Tubbo wanted to say. You said I could back out whenever I wanted to. I tried my best, okay? It’s not fair to treat me like this, just because I failed. 

But as soon as that passed through his mind, his anger deflated. What did he mean by ‘like this’? That Ash wasn’t indulging his rambles? Wasn’t smiling enough? Since when was he entitled to those things? 

He’d never even asked Ash to do those things in the first place, but he’d done it anyways, and Tubbo had just… gotten used to it. 

Well, that feeling just showed that he had gotten complacent. Things were better like this.

There was a twinge in his chest. 

Yes, this was what he wanted all along. 

He’s working on the death star when he’s visited by a certain un-welcome face. 

Well, ‘working’ is a bit generous. He was really just lying on top of it, watching the clouds go by. Progress on the death star had stalled. It wasn’t a lack of resources or anything, Ash was still supplying him, he had just– lost motivation. It was difficult to muster the effort to work when he had no one to share it with. 

Foolish was busy with the north as their new king. Haiper was obviously a no-contact. Katie and Don were also in the regime, but Tubbo didn’t really know them, and they were busy with their own issues. 

Ash used to check in regularly about his progress but he– he hadn’t really been dropping by. 

So, he was on an unofficial-official break. Vacation time assigned by the second-in-command of the regime. The other regime members didn’t have the authority to criticize his decisions, and if the first-in-command happened to take issue? He could bring it up with Tubbo directly. 

Anyways, he was dozing off in the perfect island weather when he heard the sound of someone climbing up the ladder. Shaking off his sleepiness, he turned around to see Ewron’s head peeking out of the trapdoor.

“Tubbo!” The panda exclaimed, giving a cheery wave. He hauled himself up, dusting off his clothes in a perfunctory gesture. “How are you doing, my good friend?”

Immediately, Tubbo’s mood soured. “What are you doing here?”

Ewron gasped in mock offense. “Wow, so rude. And here I thought you were such a nice guy.”

Tubbo rolled his eyes. The only reason Ewron came around the regime was to talk to Ash, so the fact he was here meant that he needed something from him. “Cut the shit. What do you want?”

Ewron sat down beside him, looking out at the wilderness below. He gave an appreciative hum at the view, leaning back on his arms in a languid posture. 

“You should talk to Ash,” he said abruptly. He didn’t face Tubbo, eyes remained firmly fixed on the view. 

Of course. This guy was so predictable. “I do talk to Ash. Spoke to him just the other day.” Their conversation consisted of Tubbo reading out his report while Ash nodded in response. The supreme leader had left immediately after.

“Kurwa, you know what I mean. Everyone knows that you two fought, so just make up already.”

Tubbo blinked, “How the–”

Ewron scoffed. “Please, it’s so obvious. Look, Ash has been acting like a kicked puppy, so if you could apologize already, that would be great.”

Tubbo suppressed a scowl. People on this island were so damn nosy. It turns out being stranded with random strangers for months could turn anyone into the most terrible gossips. 

“I don’t have anything to apologize for,” Tubbo retorted. He folded his legs to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. “It was a professional disagreement, nothing more. Besides, why do you even care? If anything, this is great for you. You can have Ash all to yourself now.” His voice came out more petulantly than he wanted. 

Ewron rolled his eyes. “I care,” he began, speaking slowly like he was talking to an idiot. “Because the regime is breaking apart, and if that happens, then Ash will be a complete wreck. I don’t want to have to deal with that.”

Tubbo turned away. He muttered, “Ash can find new members. He’ll be fine.”

Ewron snorted. When he spotted the look on Tubbo’s face, he did a double take. “Wait, you’re being serious? Tubbo, Ash thinks of the regime as his family.”

“For fucks sake, we’re not family! We were never family. I only joined the regime to make some cool builds and blow some stuff up. Ash is my fucking boss, okay? It was never any deeper than that.”

He blinked back to awareness to find himself stood up, panting as he looked down at a shocked Ewron. He hadn’t meant to shout. His voice had gotten louder and louder, words running out until he was panting. He breathed in, then slowly sat back down.

“Ash will get over it,” he said. His voice was hoarse. “Don’t bother me again.”

He turned pointedly away, not sparing the panda another glance. 

It was quiet for a moment. The only sound was the gentle breeze. Tubbo closed his eyes, laying on his back to focus on the cool, clean air. Then:

“‘The regime is cold when you’re gone.’”

Tubbo opened his eyes. 

Ewron was standing over him. He said, voice almost conversational, “Ash told me that, you know? When you were on your vacation. He missed you.” He stared at his hands, squeezing them into fists. “No matter how much I tried to fill that void, his thoughts always circled back to you.”

He barked out a humorless laugh. “It infuriated me. He talks about you like you’re a fucking superhero. Like you could conquer the whole world if you just put your mind to it. You know how unfair that is? The trust that I work so hard to earn, he just hands you like it’s nothing.”

Tubbo hugged his knees tighter to his chest. 

“I dedicated everything to him!” Ewron exclaimed. “Yet, it’s you he believes in unconditionally. You, who doesn’t even care about the regime or the Federation–” Tubbo suppressed a flinch. “-- or anything on this fucking island.” He knelt down at Tubbo’s side, baring his teeth in a furious grin. His eyes were intense and narrowed, like he was examining a bug in a microscope. “What does he even see in you?”

“I don’t know,” he said dully.  

That just seemed to piss Ewron off. His mouth twisted in a sneer. “It doesn’t even matter, does it? Ash considers you his best friend, and you–” He chokes on his own words, too emotional to speak. “You don’t even care.” 

Tubbo didn’t deny it. He allowed Ewron’s hate to wash over him. 

The panda’s hands curled into fists, claws digging into his palms. His next words trembled. “Some days, I really could just. Kill you. Tear this whole regime to pieces. None of you care. You’re all ungrateful.” He raised his head. “You know what’s stopping me?”

“What?” Tubbo asked.

Ewron grinned wider. “Ash.”

He leaned in closer, eyes boring into Tubbo’s soul. “Because no matter how much I wish it weren’t the case, Ash’s heart is too large to fit just me in it. Every person he meets, he gets attached to, and losing even a single person would break his soft, squishy heart.” His tone was a strange mixture of exasperation and fondness. “I swore to Ash that I would never cause him to suffer that same pain again.”

Ewron finally leaned backwards. His mouth curled with disdain. “Ash cares about you. The least you can do is pretend. It doesn’t matter if you secretly don’t give a shit about him, just stop hurting him.”

“I don’t want to hurt him!” Tubbo shouted. 

Ewron jerked his head back. 

Tubbo breathed in, desperately trying to control his lungs. His hands were trembling, heart racing out his chest. 

He clutched his arms trying to ground himself. “I don’t want him to get hurt,” he said weakly. “That’s why I’m doing this. It’s better for both of us, if we stay apart.”

“You’re hurting him right now,” Ewron raged.

“To prevent even worse suffering in the future!” he exploded. “Nothing ever lasts on this island, nothing! The regime, the north, the Dutch and Polish factions, eventually, it’ll all fall apart.”

Ewron stared at him with an unreadable gaze, ears flattened to his head. 

“He’s too easily attached,” Tubbo croaked, and he cursed himself for his horrible, awful, emotional body. He swallowed to clear his throat. “It’s going to destroy him.”

“If you want to protect him from that fate, instead of just saying ‘fuck everything’ and giving up, why don’t you help take down the Federation?” Ewron demanded. 

Tubbo threw up his hands. “There’s no fucking point! They can’t be defeated! You can try to fight them, but it’ll only slow them down. Trust me, I’ve tried!”

He tried. He really did. Please, it’s not my fault. I tried my best. No matter how many times he repeated those words, it didn’t stop the feeling of blood on his hands. 

Ewron’s eyes narrowed. “You’re talking about the first island. What’s to say that things will be the same? You haven’t even tried,” Ewron spat. He pointed at him accusingly. “You’re a fucking coward. This isn’t about protecting Ash at all. This is about protecting yourself.

You’re so afraid of losing what you have that you’ll throw it away yourself. Well, let me say this: I literally killed his daughter, and he forgave me! If you really think there’s any universe where Ash stops caring about you, you’re either the most delusional man in the world, or you’re just not as smart as he thinks.”

“I’m not,” Tubbo choked out. “I’m not any of the things he says I am. I’m not brave. I’m not some magical genius. I can’t protect anyone. The only reason he thinks that is because our first meeting was probably the first time he’d ever been treated like a proper human being, and that basic human decency was enough to make him attached–” 

Ewron’s face scrunched in confusion. “What the fuck–”

“I don’t deserve his loyalty or trust,” Tubbo continued. “So, I’m staying away. I won’t take advantage of him any longer.”

The waves upon waves of guilt were drowning him, and he panted against the currents. He held himself tighter, gasping for breath. 

A contemplative look crossed the other’s face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said slowly. “But I understand how you feel. You and I don’t deserve anything from Ash, but he gave it to us anyway. What you think about it doesn’t matter. What matters is that Ash saw something in you.”

For a moment, he hesitated. Then, he reached into his cloak, and pulled out Ash’s heart.

Ewron’s next words dripped with shame. “After I killed his daughter,” he said, voice nearly a whisper. “I met with him. I got on my knees. I offered to trade my life for his daughter to bring back his family.”

He shivered. His hand clutched the heart imperceptibly tighter, and the tension in his face faded away, as if he was comforted by its presence. “He refused.” His voice broke. “He forgave me. He forgave me before I even began speaking. I didn’t deserve it. I’ll probably never deserve it, but that doesn’t matter. Ash wanted me to stay by his side, so that’s what I’ll do.”

Ewron looked at Tubbo through his bangs. His eyes smoldered like hot coals. “So, what will you do?”

“I don’t know,” Tubbo said miserably. “Is there even a good option?”

“Maybe not,” was the solemn reply. “But there’s ones that are better than others. And I guarantee you, cutting yourself off is the worst possible thing you could do.”

Tubbo fell silent.

He was right. Deep down, he’d known he was right. He was already in too deep.

The fact was that Ash cared about him more than he could have ever imagined. Beyond his comprehension. And despite how he tried to deny it, Tubbo cared for him too. He didn’t know when it started, but at one point, the idea of Ash getting hurt started to make his heart clench. He’d begun feeling the urge to protect. To stay.

Sometime, the regime became synonymous with home, and that would have been enough for his past self to do everything in his power to preserve it. 

Maybe it still was.

“Alright,” he said. Resolve steeled his voice. “I know what to do.”

Ewron met his gaze. “Yeah. I think you do.”

“Thanks, Ewron,” Tubbo said.

Ewron waved it off. “No need, brother. I’m just doing my job.” A cocky grin spread across his face, as he puffed out his chest with pride. “I may be busy guarding Ash’s physical heart, but that’s not the only heart of his that I have to protect.” 

Tubbo stared at him.

Ewron grinned wider. “You get it? Because he calls you the heart of the dragon, and I’m also protecting him from heart-break?”

“Damn,” Tubbo replied solemnly. “That’s so fucking cringe bro.”

Ewron scowled. “On second thoughts, I think I’ll just kill you.”

Tubbo warped away with a laugh. As he disappeared, he saw Ewron begin to smile, a real one this time, and he knew that they were thinking the same thing.

Maybe that guy isn’t so bad after all.

Tubbo forced himself to walk to the pantheon. 

Every part of his being was screaming at him to wait. To take another day or so to gather his thoughts, so everything would go smoothly. He silenced the urge swiftly. He wouldn’t risk losing his nerve.

As he climbed the ladder to the plateau where the pantheon sat, his pondering was interrupted by the distant sound of raised voices arguing. He instantly recognized the voices. 

Ugh. Not now, he internally groaned. 

He entered the marble halls. In the office, Ash was sat in his chair, locked in a furious debate with a certain blue fox. 

“--how the regime has fallen,” Haiper was saying as Tubbo approached. His mouth was set in a mocking sneer. “I heard you and Tubbo had a falling out. About time I’d say.”

Ash didn’t reply. The glitches obscured his entire face in the way they only did when he was upset and trying to hide it. 

Haiper leaned down, baring his teeth. “I’m glad. He’s finally realized that you’re only using him for the sake of your desire for power. Hopefully, he stays away for good.”

Tubbo clenched his fists. He sped up his face until he was practically running.

“Soon, everyone in the regime will see through your tricks, and you’ll be left alone–”

Haiper cut off with a yelp as Tubbo smacked him on the back of his head. 

“Shut your mouth,” Tubbo interrupted, voice sharp. 

Haiper’s eyes widened. “Tubbo? I thought–” His gaze jumped between Ash and Tubbo uncertainly. Ash was very still, seeming just as confused.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tubbo said. “What happens in the regime is none of your business.”

Haiper flinched, seemingly wounded by Tubbo’s words. He quickly recovered. “Tubbo, I was just trying to–”

“Save it.” Tubbo glared at him. “You’ve got a lot of nerve for someone who couldn’t even look Ash in the eye a month ago. Get lost.”

Haiper’s mouth opened in shock. He looked at Ash as if asking for confirmation.

Ash seemed to hesitate. 

“Tubbo, wait–”

“No.” Tubbo cut off. “I’ve had enough of the disrespect. Haiper, until you’re back from medical leave, you’re not welcome in the regime.”

Haiper took a step back. He seemed at a loss for words. He looked between Tubbo, then to Ash, waiting for either of them to take it back.

When it was clear that neither of them were going to, a flash of hurt streaked across his face. His ears flattened against his skull. 

“Okay,” he finally said. He straightened up with false bravado. “Fine. Have fun living in a dictatorship.”

He stomped away. When he was half-way to the door, Ash finally spoke.

“Just wait a little longer. We’ll rescue you soon.”

Haiper stopped. He didn’t look back.

“I don’t need your help.”

With those final cold words, he disappeared into the darkness. 

Tubbo felt a flicker of satisfaction, but it quickly faded away. That rush of confidence had disappeared, and now that he was alone with Ash, he was suddenly unsure of what to say. The two of them fell into an uneasy silence.

Ash was the one to break it. “Since when did you have the authority to dismiss people like that?”

Tubbo shrugged. He kept his posture purposefully nonchalant. “Since you made me second-in-command. I just figured I’d do what you should have done ages ago.”

Ash’s jaw tightened. “I made both you and Haiper my seconds to co-lead in my absence. You don’t outrank him.”

“I think I certainly outrank someone who isn’t even in the regime,” Tubbo snarked. “Unless, you’re saying I’ve been kicked out as well.”

Ash flinched back, glitches crackling in distress. “No, of course not,” he said quickly. He visibly attempted to regain control, purple particles flickering unevenly. 

Tubbo cursed himself. He was trying to not hurt him right now, and his smartass mouth was not helping.

“Sorry,” he said, trying to sound contrite. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just–” He huffed, trying to find the words. “I got sick of Haiper always coming around to argue, and I wanted to– shut it down. I suppose.”

“It’s okay,” Ash replied. Despite his words, his body continued to be completely obscured in hazy static. “I– It’s my fault. I should’ve taken care of it myself, I didn’t realize it bothered you so much. I know you wanted to remain out of anything besides your engineering duties.”

There was audible guilt in his voice, and Tubbo suppressed a sound of frustration. This wasn’t going how he wanted. 

“Yeah, well, that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” he said, tone unusually gruff. 

Ash went very still. 

Tubbo wet the inside of his mouth. “I… wanted to give you an explanation. Of what I said that night.”

“You don’t need to explain,” Ash immediately replied. “I understand.”

“You do?” Tubbo asked, off-kilter. 

“Yes.” 

Then, Ash smiled. It was a very strange smile in that it had no emotion behind it at all. 

“You had a realization. Something big. It changed your perspective on the project, making you unable to continue, correct?”

“Well.” Tubbo hesitated. “Yes, but–”

“I can even guess what that realization was. But, why don’t you share? We can compare notes.”

Tubbo watched him with wary eyes. Ash stared right back. He was waiting for Tubbo to say it outloud. Tubbo didn’t want to, but he had no choice. In fact, it was probably good to just get it over with.

So, he took a deep breath, and steeled himself. “You’re an experiment. You were created by the Federation.”

As soon as they left his mouth, he felt the urge to shiver. It was the first time he’d allowed himself to put it into words. 

Meanwhile, Ash’s expression didn’t even twitch. It was honestly an insult to call that thing a smile. The only thing it had in common was that his lips happened to be upturned.

“Wow, you figured it out. As expected from a genius.” The brightness that usually accompanied that word was now empty. “Don’t feel bad about not figuring it out sooner. Even I only recently connected the dots. It’s obvious in hindsight, right?”

“Very,” Tubbo replied. The evidence was all in plain sight. He just hadn’t wanted to acknowledge what was in front of him until it was too late.

Ash barked out a laugh, and the bitterness in it was almost a relief. “Ah, yeah. Should’ve known I couldn’t get past you.” 

He stepped forward. His limbs moved languidly, like he was unbothered, but his tension was betrayed in the tightness of his jaw. He continued to approach until they were standing only a few feet apart. Tubbo had to tilt his head back to meet his gaze. 

“Are you going to listen to what I have to say?” Tubbo asked quietly. There was a strange stillness inside of him. It felt like rage.

“Do I have to?” Ash cocked his head to the side. “I already know what you think. You think I’m repulsive.”

Tubbo jerked his head back. “No. No!” he sputtered. 

“You do,” Ash said, voice firm. “You think I don’t notice? You can’t stand to even look in my direction.”

It was true. Even now, Tubbo struggled to look at him directly. 

“That’s not what this is,” he insisted. 

“Then tell me. What’s this all about? What, do you think I’m a spy? An agent for the Federation?”

Tubbo couldn’t believe the things he was hearing. “Of course not! This isn’t about trust at all, but I can’t in good conscience continue doing this to you–”

Ash laughed, bitter and broken. “Why not?” He waved his hands wildly over his body. “It’s already happened!”

“Because I don’t want to hurt you!” 

Ash took a step back. His mouth shut with an audible clack.

“It’s not fair,” Tubbo gritted. He gripped his body, holding his arms for comfort. “You’ve been experimented on for god knows how long, and now that you’re free, I’m supposed to keep doing the same terrible things to you? Don’t you see?” he pleaded, staring into the glitches, trying to make him understand. “Continuing now when I know how much you’ve suffered would make me just as bad as the Federation.”

Ash deflated. All of the fight seemed to be sucked out of him at once. “It’s not the same at all,” he said weakly. 

“It is! I can’t in good conscience keep going, when I know it’s just torturing you all over again.”

“You’re not– that’s–” Ash cut himself with a growl. It was a bewildered, hurt noise, like he was in pain but couldn’t express it. “You– You’re not torturing me. You’re careful. You treat me better than anyone else has, and with far more consideration than I ever deserved.”

“You only say that because everyone before this has treated you like shit!” Tubbo shouted. “You’ve never been treated nicely your entire life, so now that you’re faced with basic human decency, you’re content picking up scraps–”

“Don’t fucking patronize me,” Ash snapped. “I’m not a child, don’t caricaturize my actions. That’s not what this is.”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it isn’t!” Ash bellowed. 

The force of Ash’s voice was enough to make Tubbo step back. He watched as Ash huffed, face contorting like he was in pain. 

When he finally managed to speak, his voice was strained. “When the Federation experimented on me, they didn’t treat me like a human at all. You– you’re different. You show me concern. You care when I’m hurt. You take the time to check in on how I’m feeling and explain everything beforehand.”

“That’s the bare minimum,” Tubbo replied weakly.

Ash shook his head. “You don’t understand. The Federation only saw me as a weapon. You treat me like so much more.” He clutched his arms tighter. “I thought that I could only be a tool for destruction. You showed me that I could create a cure. That I could help other people.”

He lifted his head, looking directly at Tubbo. The purple glitches flickered. “What you call the bare minimum means. Everything to me.”

“I…” Tubbo swallowed. “I guess I never thought about it like that.”

“Yeah.” Ash looked down at his feet, not making eye contact.  “So… was that really what it was all about? You just… didn’t want to hurt me?” he asked tentatively. 

Tubbo nodded wordlessly. 

“Oh…” A lost expression parsed over his face. 

“What’s up?” 

“Nothing, it’s just…” Ash hesitated. “I don’t know. I didn’t think it was such a big deal.”

“Well, it is to me,” Tubbo said firmly. “What did you think this was about then?”

“I– thought you were scared of me. That you thought I was a– monster.” The words came out jerkily. 

Tubbo’s eyes widened. He grabbed the other’s shoulders. 

“Ash.” He squeezed gently, projecting full earnestness into his voice. “I’ve never thought of you as a monster.”

Ash stiffened like he didn’t know what to do. “But then, after I lost control, why couldn’t–” He cleared his throat. “Why couldn’t you look at me?”

Tubbo couldn’t stifle his flinch. He looked down at the ground. “I– I was scared.”

Ash went very still. 

Tubbo looked up sharply. “But not at you. The Federation… took everything from me,” he admitted. Even just saying the words summoned a terrible ache in his chest. “When I realized what you were, I felt– hopeless. The Federation is indomitable. All-powerful. I thought that if they were involved then I couldn’t do anything to help you.”

Tubbo swallowed. “I allowed them to define me. Control me. I thought it was only inevitable. But you proved me wrong.”

“The Federation is evil.” He gripped Ash’s arms fiercely. “They’re cruel, and callous, and they don’t care what they have to do to get their way. You… are none of those things. No matter how much suffering you’ve gone through, you’re still fighting. You’re still kind, and brave, and curious about the world, and a hundred other things that they tried to hammer out of you. You– give me hope.”

Ash stared at him. The glitches over his face flickered in shock. 

“So, learning about your past doesn’t change anything.” His voice carried a heavy finality, more certain than he’d ever been before. “All of the qualities that make you you, none of them were created in a lab. You could never be a monster. Ash, you are… the most human guy I’ve ever met.”

Ash hung his head low, as if the words had struck him like a physical blow. His body trembled. 

“Thank you,” he said hoarsely. Then, he pulled Tubbo into a hug. 

For a split second, Tubbo stiffened. His body screamed that this was wrong. He told that part of him to shut the fuck up, and then relaxed into Ash’s embrace. He wrapped his own arms around the taller man, and allowed himself to be held. 

It was so long since he’d last hugged someone. His skin tingled where Ash’s body curled over his own. It was a strange sensation, but not a bad one. Just like that, without even saying the word, Tubbo knew that he was forgiven. 

“There’s something you missed,” Ash murmured quietly. The air from his mouth tickled Tubbo’s neck. “Throughout it all, you’re also still kind and brave and curious. Whatever the Federation did to you, they couldn’t take that away.”

Tubbo’s eyes watered. He swallowed with a wet gulp and tried to smooth out the trembling line of his lips. “Yeah,” he croaked. “I guess you’re right.”

And as they held each other tighter, for the first time in years, Tubbo thought: things might turn out okay.

They stayed like that for a long time. When they finally pulled apart, it felt like a burden had been lifted off his chest. 

“I’ve changed my mind,” Tubbo told him. “I’ll help you with the cure, and any other plans you have for the Federation. I only have one condition.”

“Anything,” was Ash’s immediate reply. 

“No more restraints,” Tubbo said firmly. “No more hurting you for the sake of the mission. If there’s anything so triggering that it’s giving you flashbacks, then I don’t want to do it. We’ll find another way.”

Ash swallowed. “Okay. I’ll… try.” He tilted his head towards the sky. “I keep forgetting that things are different now. That they can get better.”

Tubbo nodded. “Me too.” He nudged Ash’s arm gently. “Don’t worry. We have each other to remind ourselves.”

Ash grinned, and Tubbo knew that he had said the right thing. 

It wasn’t like their problems were magically solved. The Federation was still out there. Haiper was still infected. 

But the difference was that now, Tubbo had hope. 

Ash, he thought. You truly are amazing. You inspire me. To create. To destroy. To feel. 

For years, the eyes that stared back at him in the mirror were so dull. Now, there was a spark in them. 

Whatever happens, I’ll stay by your side.

We’ll get through this. Together.

Two days later, everything falls apart.

Haiper dies. Without warning, he collapses and doesn’t get up again. His body, consumed by radiation sickness, does not disappear.

Hours later, while Tubbo was still reeling from Haiper’s death, he received a message from Ewron.

Ewron whispers to you:   they took ash

A week passed. 

There was no sign of Ash anywhere. 

Then, just as Tubbo started to believe he was never coming back,

He returned. 

He found him in the middle of the shopping district, standing in the middle of the road. He’s wearing a new outfit, what looked like a white military-like uniform. His whole body was obscured with glitches, pitch-black static crackling in agitation. 

“Ash!”

Tubbo ran towards him without thinking. His heart leapt out of his chest, beating wildly, as he sprinted closer. In that moment, nothing mattered besides confirming that what he was seeing was real.

When he was only a few feet away, Tubbo skidded to a stop. “Ash? Is that you?” he demanded. 

The man didn’t react. He just continued to stand there with his back facing Tubbo. 

“...Ash?” he asked, more hesitant this time.

A bad feeling was looming over him. A high-pitching ringing filled his ears. 

Numbly, Tubbo’s hand reached out and grabbed the man’s arm. 

He turned around. His head was a mass of black, particles creating a silhouette of a face.

For a moment, it was silent. The two of them stood there, silently staring at the other. Then, the man cocked his head to the side.

“Who are you?”