Chapter Text
“You'll change your mind someday.” Joel told him.
Benjamin glanced sideways at him. His expression was hard to read, his brows were furrowed, his smile seemed to slip from his face even as he forced it up. “Maybe I will.” He said and Joel caught the hint of sadness in the other man's eyes.
Joel swallowed, his throat felt tight as he turned his gaze back to the fireworks. “You'll meet someone who'll make you want to try people again.”
Benjamin scoffed a laugh.
Joel raised his eyebrows at him. “I mean it.”
“Your faith in me is flattering.” Benjamin said dryly.
Joel grinned sheepishly. “If an award winning surgeon like you can't find someone what hope is there for poor shmucks like me?”
Benjamin shrugged. “None at all.”
Joel scoffed. “Don't be like that. C'mon, you never told me what your type is. Maybe I can set you up–”
Benjamin's expression pinched. “Joel.”
Joel furrowed his brows. “What?”
Benjamin opened his mouth, hesitating before closing it with a sigh. “Nothing, I guess.”
He looked away, his dark eyes catching the light of the fireworks and Joel pretended he was just watching the light show, and not the man beside him.
“What is your type?” He asked quietly, his tone a little too genuine to be joking.
Benjamin chuckled lightly as he answered. “Weird.”
Joel smiled. “Weird?”
Benjamin turned his head, tilting it at Joel as he met his gaze evenly. Joel swallowed the joke on the tip of his tongue and stared back at the other man. For a few long, silent minutes they watched each other. Joel's head was full of many thoughts arguing for his attention. His eyes were busy admiring the flecks of light in dark brown eyes. His gaze dipped down to the light dusting of stubble along a strong jaw. The sort of shadow that came at the end of the day. The shadow that couldn't cover pink lips and–
“The fireworks are over.” Benjamin remarked.
Joel blinked, finally aware again of where he was where they were. He took a step back, putting distance between them though they hadn't been that close. But they weren't alone, Joel reminded himself. Though he didn't know why that mattered, they'd only been talking, hadn't they?
The people on the lawn were beginning to gather their things and amble back to their rooms and cottages. The porch was well lit with hanging lights, in clear view of an audience. Joel felt uncomfortably like he was on a stage again. And like he was about to bomb.
Benjamin cleared his throat. “Do you want to go–”
“Yes.” Joel answered quickly.
Benjamin's mouth quirked up in a smile. “Alright, where to?”
Joel glanced towards the lake, thinking it over for a moment before– “My– I have a room, over on the south side. We could…”
Joel didn't know what they could do. He didn't.. he wasn't sure what he was doing. He shifted his weight uneasily.
“Alright.” Benjamin replied again, he put out his cigarette on the railing and turned towards the porch steps. Joel followed, still unsure what he was doing, but knowing he wasn't about to turn back.
His room was closer than he remembered. Or at least the walk across the resort felt shorter. Benjamin was at his side the whole way. If they had been any closer their hands would've brushed as they walked (Joel didn't know why that mattered). They were both quiet on the walk, either having little to say, or because what they wanted to speak of couldn't be heard by the guests they passed.
Joel walked up the tiny ledge of boards and a railing that consisted of the porch for his single room accommodations. He fumbled, digging the key out of his pocket and was thankful he had his face turned away from Benjamin. Only the weathered wood of the door saw what a nervous jackass he looked like.
“Well, this is it.” Joel waved a hand to encompass the cramped space. There was a small table and a couple of chairs by the front window near the door. Squeezed in against the wall was a dresser, a wardrobe, the minibar, and a few shelves decorated with knickacks typical of a mountain resort. And there was the queen size bed tucked into the far corner. Joel found himself looking anywhere else.
“You want something to drink?”
Benjamin took the seat offered to him at the table while Joel busied himself with the mini bar.
He poured the drinks and sat down, gaze fixed on his glass as Benjamin took a sip from his own. Silence seemed to fill the room. Joel's foot tapped under the table to an offbeat rhythm.
“Do you wanna listen to something?” Joel stood up quickly, almost knocking his glass over in his haste to get away from the table. He turned his face to the shelves, hiding the red creeping over his cheeks. “There's a record player tucked away somewhere– Ah, here it–”
His head knocked the edge of the shelf as he bent to pick up the record player. He dropped it as his hands flew to the back of his head.
“Are you alright?” Benjamin asked. His tone was still light, and unusually genuine for him.
Joel glanced up and Benjamin was watching him intently in a way that made Joel feel like he was back in highschool. It was the look he'd been given when he'd fumbled with a bra strap, or gotten his zipper stuck, or had any number of blunders which clearly displayed his inexperience. It wasn't quite pity but–
“I'm not like this, I swear.” Joel tried to explain. “Trust me, I know how to handle myself– well, with women that is.” Joel turned back to the shelf but had forgotten what he was looking for. He strode over to the bed as he continued. “I guess this is sort of different but the theory's still the same, right?” He turned from the bed to pace to the door.
Benjamin tilted his head at him. “Right.” He agreed slowly.
“And I know the theory– and the practice– I mean, I've studied a lot. A lot.” Joel repeated, gesturing as he spoke. “I know what I'm doing– music!” He snapped his fingers as he turned on his heel towards the shelf. “That's right, there's some records around here somewhere. Probably nothing good but maybe–”
Joel's rambling was cut off by a light chuckle. He turned back to Benjamin, the record player clutched to his chest, and saw himself through the other man's eyes.
“Christ, I sound like a virgin again.” He blurted out without thinking, but it got a laugh out of the other man at least.
“That's one way to look at it.” Benjamin agreed after taking a sip of his drink. He turned the glass in his hand thoughtfully, before his eyes slipped back to Joel's and he asked, “You haven't ever done anything like this, have you?”
“What? We're just having a drink, aren't we?” Joel tried for sarcasm but his face was beginning to feel too hot to pull it off. He set down the record player on an end table and slumped into his seat. “I mean, maybe if this goes well– you like the record I play, and the drink– and we hit things off– then we see just what I haven't done before.”
Benjamin set down his glass. He laid his hand on the table, not covering Joel's, but close enough that their fingers could touch if either of them moved the slightest bit closer. “You can be nervous–”
“Well, good, cause I am.”
Benjamin’s eyes narrowed at his sarcastic response, Joel picked up his drink to show he wouldn't interrupt again and Benjamin continued. “It's fine if you're just a trade–” Joel wasn't sure what that meant but the way Benjamin said it he didn't think it was complementary. “–we can see how this goes. The only thing is if you get scared you can't lash out at me.”
“What?”
Benjamin’s expression was cool as he clarified his point. “If you hit me I'm leaving.”
Joel's confusion abruptly changed to indignation. “Guys have hit you before?”
“Sometimes.” Benjamin admitted slowly. He didn't sound upset or uncomfortable with that fact, simply resigned. Which made Joel feel worse.
“When you were–” Joel gestured vaguely, incapsulating his limited knowledge of gay sex with an awkward hand wave before continuing in confusion. “–why?”
Benjamin’s fingers tightened around his drink. “Perhaps they just felt things needed clarifying.”
“Clarifying what?” Joel asked before thinking better of it.
Benjamin merely looked at him, raising an eyebrow and glancing down at himself. At his soft hands– surgeons hands Joel thought– his neat clothes, his calm demeanor, he didn't look like what Joel had ever thought a homosexual would look like. Though he guessed that didn't matter. All that mattered to those guys was reaffirming to themselves that they were better somehow. As if hitting someone could make them straight. Maybe it could, Joel had never thought to try that.
He turned his glass over in his hands. Looking down at it, he spoke. “Well, this is going to sound ironic coming from me, but I think you can do better.”
“I do try. But you do know there's not many stand up guys who like to sneak around with other men, right?” Benjamin's tone was light, teasing.
Joel chuckled ruefully. “Fair point, but still.”
Benjamin smirked at him. “I appreciate that you're trying to– what? Defend my honor, Maisel? But I'd prefer if you'd just put on that record.”
“I–” Joel started to argue before realizing what exactly Benjamin was referring to. “Oh, alright then.”
Joel got up and set up the record player on top of one of the end tables. He found a Sky Baldwin album and put it on, setting the needle on the vinyl and listening to it play a few measures before he turned back to Benjamin.
“So, how do these things usually start?” Joel asked, trying to sound light. He was still turning over what Benjamin had said about defending his honor, and considering what he would've done if it was midge and some guy had hit her. Nothing good, was his first answer, but then, it wasn't really his business to defend midge anymore was it? Not that he wouldn't.
“We can start slow.” Benjamin replied with a little obfuscation. He set his drink down and stood up. He took Joel's hands in his as he stepped in closer.
Joel tensed a little at the touch, and then tried to relax. Benjamin was watching him, definitely, but he kept his gaze intent on positioning Joel's hands.
“You're only used to leading so I'll follow.” Benjamin explained as he placed Joel's left hand on his waist, and laid his right on Joel's shoulder. Their other hands remained clasped.
Joel stared at their hands for a moment before realizing he was supposed to lead. He swayed a little, to the music, and because of the alcohol. He led them in a few steps, back and forth. The music was a love song, something soft and a little tragic. Joel kept darting his eyes around, not knowing where to look. When his gaze finally met Benjamin’s he found himself full of questions.
“Have you– I mean there are places for guys like you, right? Where you can… dance with other guys?”
“I know of a few bars, yes. But most of the men there aren't looking to dance.” Benjamin explained.
“Right.”Joel said, and paused for a moment as a new song began to play, this one a little brighter, more a melody you could dance to. Joel moved a little more, actually leading, and found Benjamin was adept enough to keep up with him, even following.
“You're not bad.” Joel remarked as Benjamin's feet moved with his in a shuffle.
“Thanks.” Benjamin replied, sarcastically.
“I mean, you know the steps to follow, so you must dance on occasion.” Joel pointed out.
“I do.” Benjamin’s mouth twisted into a rueful smile. “I lead well enough when I need to. All the blushing would-be-brides my mother sends my way.”
Joel looked down at his feet, and though he hadn't tripped over them since he was a kid getting dance lessons from his Aunt Esther, he was sure he was about to fall.
“I'm not against dancing, with the right partner.” Benjamin continued and Joel found he wasn't looking at him when he said it. Joel waited for him to say more but Benjamin was quiet as they danced.
Joel moved a little closer when the music changed tempos, another slow song, but he wasn't as close as he would've been with a girl he liked. Realizing that he pressed in a little closer. Benjamin’s mouth moved in something like surprise, or intrigue. Joel felt like he recognized that look, and that he might know what to do after all. Except there was one thing holding him back.
“Ya’know, I'd kiss you right now, if I didn't have to lose my dignity by standing on my toes.”
Benjamin’s smirk almost slipped before he recovered. “What dignity?”
Joel scoffed. “Alright, fair point. But it's not my fault you're so freakishly tall.”
Benjamin shook his head in exasperation. But he leaned down a little to meet Joel's gaze evenly. “I believe you said something about kissing me? I don't know when the insults needed to come into play but–”
Joel leaned in and kissed him. It was light, merely a gentle press of lips before he pulled back.
Benjamin blinked at him and Joel stared back, unsure for a moment as some hint of fear crept up his back. He'd really just…
Benjamin's eyes narrowed a bit but his eyes were soft as they searched Joel's. “Do you feel like running yet, Maisel?”
“No.” Joel was sure of that as he said it. He didn't want to go, or to have Benjamin go, or really to stop at all. “No, I..” He started to try to explain before realizing there was a simpler way to get his point across. He just kissed Benjamin, and only had to stand on his toes a little bit to reach.
This time, Joel lingered, feeling the warmth of the other man, feeling the faintest scratch of stubble against his skin, and smelling the scents of smoke, and alcohol, and hair gel on the other man. He let go of Benjamin's waist and placed his hand on his cheek. He pulled the taller man back down a little so he could get a better angle, and Benjamin obliged.
When they parted for air Joel huffed a breathy laugh against Benjamin's neck. “So if this a start, what happens next?”
“Whatever you want.” Benjamin's hands were on his hips then, and he tugged him closer.
Joel took a step back, keeping his hands firmly on Benjamin and maneuvering them towards the bed. “Alright, then. Show me.”
(•••)
“Huh, I never realized something like that could feel so much like sex.” Joel remarked afterwards while they were lying in his bed, the sheets all rumpled around them.
Benjamin laughed, deep and relaxed. Joel could feel the rumble of his chest where his head rested on the other man.
“You know, you didn't need to literally push me into your bed to get me here.” Benjamin remarked.
Joel half lifted his head from Benjamin's chest to meet his teasing gaze. “Hey, I tripped!”
“Over what? Your libido?”
Joel rolled his eyes and let his head fall back against Benjamin's shoulder. “I swear to God, I'm usually more suave than this.”
Benjamin hummed, considering the statement. “I don't have enough experience to dispute your claim. But I find it unlikely.”
Joel slapped a hand against Benjamin's forearm irritably. “Well, I guess I'll just have to show you then.”
“You'll show me?” Benjamin asked, voice flat. “I'll believe it when I see it.”
“Hey, I have charm!” Joel argued, sitting up fully to glare down at him. “I got married for Christ’s sake– to Midge. You've met her.”
“I have.” Benjamin admitted, he rubbed a hand down Joel's back as he smirked.
Joel sighed in defeat. “Okay, not the best example. I don't really know what I'm doing here.” He sunk back into the bed, this time leaning against the headboard and looking up at the ceiling.
Benjamin lay beside him and didn't press for more. He let the quiet settle over them like a heavy blanket. He shifted, settling closer against Joel's side, and laid his arm across Joel's waist.
“You don't have to know.” He said, after the moment was long past.
But Joel heard him, and let the words drift away as he closed his eyes.