Chapter Text
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and the last 4 days have been hell. After Dave kissed you and disappeared, you can't find a place for yourself. Your head is spinning and you haven't slept a single hour since it happened.
You don't know what happened or what was going on in his head. You don't understand what you did wrong. You tried to contact him, but he simply disappeared from the Pesterchum, and no one else could reach him either. You feel incredibly abandoned and forsaken.
All these days you've been wondering why he did it. Naturally, you remember his hangups from how he grew up. You hope with all your bloodpusher that this is the case, because you're not sure what will happen to you if it's not and he really did throw away your entire friendship for such a pathetic experiment. You trusted him, and you believe he's not a monster, but that feeling fades with every hour of waiting. He could have at least told you that he needed to be alone instead of ghosting you completely.
Right now, you're lying in your bed, trying not to think about what happened. You've been in this position for about a couple of hours. Ideally, you'd be able to fall asleep, but you just can't because of all the thoughts. Were you an experiment for him? A failed attempt to find out if he'd like it with a guy?
You politely asked Rose and Kanaya not to disturb you, but still you hear a knock on the door.
KARKAT: LEAVE, PLEASE.
You yell, hoping whoever this is will go away. However, another knock is soon to follow.
KARKAT: I SAID LEAVE.
DAVE: karkat
You hear from behind the door, and your breath catches for a second. This FUCKER. Finally, after four days, he decided to show up. You jump out of bed, directing a stream of insults at the door.
KARKAT: OH, WOW! LOOK WHO DECIDED TO GRACE ME WITH HIS FUCKING PRESENSE!
You just started talking, and tears are already welling up in your eyes. It's easy to be angry at him. Much easier than trying to make yourself understand. So that's exactly what you do — you take out all your pent-up anger on him.
KARKAT: WHAT’S THE MATTER, DAVE?
KARKAT: DID YOUR GOGDAMN THINKPAN FINALLY TELL YOU IT WAS TIME TO STOP BEING A COMPLETE AND UTTER WRIGGLER??
You want to hear him out, you really do, but there's no way in hell you're going to let this slide without giving him a good dose of the screaming he deserves. You stomp over to the door but don’t open it yet, your hands are shaking with barely contained rage.
DAVE: …
DAVE: can we not do that through the door
DAVE: i kinda wanted to talk
KARKAT: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! THE GREAT DAVE STRIDER HAS GRACIOUSLY DESCENDED FROM HIS THRONE OF COBWEB-COVERED FUCKING SILENCE TO HONOR ME WITH A CONVERSTION. WHAT A PRIVILEGE.
KARKAT: GET IN.
You yank the door open, trying not to cry at the mere sight of his stupid aviators. After he comes inside, you slam the door with such force that the entire wall shakes, your chest is heavy as you’re trying not to break down. You know you shouldn't, but you give him a chance to explain himself as a lovesick idiot you are.
He awkwardly shuffles into your respiteblock without looking up at you, stopping in the middle and sort of... standing there. He's silent, looking at the floor. He seems ashamed, but you're not going to forgive him only for his pretty eyes. So you stand there, glaring at him.
KARKAT: WELL?
He grimaces when you remind him of his responsibility to speak. His silence is killing you, but with the strength of your remaining nerves, you resist pouncing on his arrogant ass. You hate yourself for how much you want to hear an excuse. You hate yourself for how much you want to hear an apology. You hate yourself for how desperate you are for his presence in your life. But you understand him. You understand that it might be difficult for him, so you give him a chance to explain. He fiddles with the hem of his shirt before finally looking up at you, managing to say at least something.
DAVE: …
DAVE: you look like shit
And instantly, all your understanding crumbles to dust. The NERVE of him. You start walking in circles, running your hand through your hair.
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT! THANKS FOR THE ASTUTE OBSERVATION, STRIDER, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR AFTER 4 DAYS OF BEING IGNORED BY YOU.
KARKAT: YOU DON’T GET TO JUST WALTZ IN HERE AND– AND SAY SHIT LIKE THAT AFTER WHAT YOU DID!
Your voice cracks at the end and you hate it. You know he's not good at talking about feelings, but you expected at least a little more than comments like that. You want to forgive him, you really do, but you doubt it's possible until he says something sincere. You doubt this will happen. Letting him in here was a bad idea.
DAVE: man im
DAVE: im sorry alright
KARKAT: WOW! YOU’RE SORRY. DO YOU THINK THIS MAKES THINGS BETTER? TELL ME, DO YOU REALLY, WITH YOUR WHOLE DAMN BLOODPUSHER, BELIEVE THAT THIS HALF-ASS APOLOGY WILL FIX THE SITUATION AND WE'LL JUST PRETEND THESE DAYS DIDN'T HAPPEN?
You don't know what you expected from him. He clearly has no idea what to say, and he's already made it impossibly clear to you that he's not gay, as if that concept even makes any sense. You can't stand his presence any longer. He tried and you probably appreciate the attempt, but you'll actually cry if you look in his direction for even a second longer and you do NOT want him to see you cry.
KARKAT: GET OUT.
DAVE: um
DAVE: no
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO???
You’re completely furious. You really were sincerely ready to give him a chance to explain, but now you are simply sure that he is just a scumbag.
KARKAT: YOU IGNORE ME FOR FOUR DAYS, COME TO ME OFFERING THE CHEAPEST APOLOGY IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE AND THEN REFUSE TO LEAVE WHEN I ASK YOU?
KARKAT: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???
DAVE: because
DAVE: i actually have something to say
DAVE: i just…
DAVE: ugh
He offers, and you hate the way your heart skips a beat in hope. You should have stopped hoping long ago. He's proven he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings, yet you keep believing. You keep expecting him to do something, to somehow fix it all.
KARKAT: WELL GO ON THEN, SAY IT.
DAVE: you already know
DAVE: the gay thing–
But no, you can't handle it. You can't handle this flood of idiocy, not again. You were hoping it was his bro, but no, apparently he's just clinging to his poor masculinity.
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOG!
KARKAT: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,
KARKAT: YOU KISS ME, THEN GHOST ME FOR FOUR DAYS BECAUSE OF SOME DUMBASS HUMAN HANG-UP ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS FUCKING MASCULINITY OR WHATEVER?? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW???
KARKAT: I SHOULD’VE KNOWN!
KARKAT: I SHOULD’VE KNOWN YOU WERE JUST USING ME TO FIGURE OUT IF YOU “LIKE IT” OR WHATEVER THE *FUCK*.
KARKAT: GET OUT.
DAVE: thats not– dude!
He dares to sound offended. You take a step towards him. If he doesn't intend to leave, you'll throw him out yourself.
DAVE: i already told you im not going anywhere until you fucking–
KARKAT: OH, YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE??? SAYS *WHO*??????
KARKAT: GET *OUT*-
You cross the room in three long strides, almost getting to him until he fucking FLOATS UP under the ceiling with a distressed sound so that you can’t reach him, awkwardly clutching his cape in his hands. Damn him and damn his godtier powers. This is so childish and unfair. You have to crane your neck up to glare at him.
DAVE: dude maybe you gotta LISTEN first do you– do you really think this low of me??
KARKAT: YES, I DO THINK THAT LOW OF YOU.
KARKAT: YOU’VE DONE NOTHING TO PROVE OTHERWISE.
DAVE: well im fucking trying right now!
DAVE: believe it or not it is hard for me too
He says, making the anger in your chest rage even more. Is it hard for him too?? What a poor thing he is!
KARKAT: OH BOO-HOO, IT’S HARD FOR YOU TOO?!
KARKAT: YOU THINK THAT MAKES US EVEN?? YOU THINK THAT JUSTIFIES ANYTHING??? FUCK OFF WITH YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSES!
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THAT– I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT *YOU*!
DAVE: karkat i understand that youre furious and shit but
DAVE: uh
He starts to sound pitiful, and it takes all your self-control not to start feeling sorry for him. In this situation, he's the last person you should be feeling sorry for.
DAVE: youre really starting to sound like you dont want to have anything to do with me at all
KARKAT: YOU THINK I WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU ABSOLUTE MORON??
KARKAT: YOU IGNORED ME FOR FOUR DAYS AND NOW YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ACT HURT NOW THAT I’M FURIOUS WITH YOU? SERIOUSLY???
DAVE: no its just
DAVE: i understand that youre unhappy with me but
DAVE: you just sound like
DAVE: like you dont want to talk to me ever again?
KARKAT: SO NOW YOU CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL.
You speak with a shaking voice, though something inside you softens. He sounds genuinely scared, as if you really matter. You want to matter to him.
Hearing your calmer voice, he carefully descends from under the ceiling, still clutching his cape in his hands and fiddling with it just a little.
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: could i even fix this
He asks, and now it’s his voice that trembles slightly. Oh, damn, did you really get under the shell of the great and independent Dave Strider? Something in your bloodpusher flutters at his pitiful appearance.
You hate it, but it's enough to make you forgive him. Just knowing he genuinely cares, seeing his mask of stoicism break at the idea of losing you. And you like it. You like feeling important.
But the question he asked cuts through your newfound hope. Could he? You're more than certain he really isn't gay. Otherwise, you simply don't understand why he still hasn't told you that your pathetic feelings are mutual and resolved this conflict. Remain friends after this? Probably yes, but you're already anticipating the awkwardness and distance between the two of you. You know the best option is probably to cut off contact, because you're absolutely certain your feelings won't fade otherwise, but you also realistically understand that you simply can't lose him, and especially can't turn him down when he seems almost genuinely scared.
So ultimately, you guess you just have to think about all these things.
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, DAVE.
KARKAT: BUT I REALLY NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE.
KARKAT: SO PLEASE,
KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OUT.
You speak through your own pain. You really, really hoped to hear a worthwhile justification from him. And on the one hand, you should be glad he cares about your relationship at all, but it stings. It stings to realize that your hopes for your stupid feelings to be reciprocated have been dashed like this, and he'll just know that you, like an idiot, let him kiss you and then accepted him back into your life like the piece of desperate shit you are.
You remain in silence. He doesn't move or say anything, and you don't know what to say either. You don't quite understand why he's just standing there motionless after your latest request to leave you the fuck alone, so after about 10 seconds, you repeat it.
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: GET OUT. PLEASE.
You're just so, so tired. How stupid of you to even think someone like him would be interested in you. He's so out of your league that the very thought seems laughable now, but damn, it felt so real when he leaned into you four days ago. It felt so real when he came to you for comfort and you played with his hair. It felt so real all this time, but even so, you blame yourself for this foolish hope.
But he remains standing there, and you see his face contort as if he's trying not to cry, his mouth turns into a thin line and he starts to shake a little. And it makes your eyes widen.
KARKAT: DAVE?
You've never, ever seen him cry. In fact, you're pretty sure he's never cried. You know terrible things would happen to him for something like that, and you can't believe he's about to cry because of YOU. Don’t you feel special right now.
DAVE: karkat
His voice is shaky.
DAVE: i think
DAVE: i might be having a panic attack
And if your eyes weren't open wide enough a moment ago, they certainly are now. THIS is absolutely not what you ever expected to hear from him.
KARKAT: WHAT
You take a step closer, all your resentments instantly evaporate and all your thoughts are reduced to panicked protectiveness.
KARKAT: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
DAVE: i
You grab his shoulder and his legs give way, and then he literally falls into your arms, knocking you off your feet. His shades fall askew from his face, and you find yourself on the floor with him in your arms.
He almost immediately sniffles and starts babbling into your shoulder.
DAVE: karkat im so sorry
DAVE: im so so so sorry
DAVE: please dont leave me
DAVE: im sorry
DAVE: im sorry
He repeats again and again, sobbing into you while you're trying to figure out what's going on. When you come to your senses a little, you hug him tighter and start stroking his back. Fuck it, you're going to be pale with him because he definitely needs it right now.
KARKAT: IT’S–
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY.
DAVE: im sorry
KARKAT: SHOOSH.
DAVE: im so sorry
KARKAT: CALM DOWN.
DAVE: its not okay karkat i-
DAVE: sob
DAVE: fuck
KARKAT: SHOOSH.
You repeat, stroking his back and his hair. He’s trembling and you can feel his bloodpusher beating so fast it feels like it wants to jump out. You have no idea what caused such a strong reaction, but you have never felt more important in your life.
DAVE: i cant–
DAVE: im so stupid
DAVE: im sorry
KARKAT: I SAID IT’S FINE.
KARKAT: RELAX.
KARKAT: I’M HERE.
DAVE: please dont leave me
KARKAT: I WON’T.
KARKAT: I PROMISE.
Not that you were planning to. Of course, deep down you knew you couldn't leave him. But gog, to know that the first thing that brought him to tears was the thought of you leaving.
He cries for a while and you hold him. You hold him as you have held him many times before, and he holds you back.
It's only after a couple of minutes that he finally calms down enough to mumble into your shoulder.
DAVE: please
DAVE: let me explain
And of course, that damned hope blooms in your chest again. He still hasn't finished, and you were too angry to let him do so. Now you feel ashamed.
KARKAT: …OKAY.
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU KISS ME?
You ask, bracing for an answer.
DAVE: cause um
DAVE: cause you let me
You–
DAVE: wait no
DAVE: that sounds awful give me
DAVE: give me a minute
You exhale, trying not to get angry again. He's never been good at talking about feelings, and you need to be more patient, you know that. Even if it's hard for you, you should at least listen to him.
After some time, he finally speaks.
DAVE: first of all
DAVE: i dunno if it was obvious
DAVE: but i kinda am crushing on you
He says, and you just melt. For fuck's sake, he's actually crushing on you. You didn't make it up. You were right.
In fact, he could end his speech right here. Knowing that he loves you and that you're important to him is enough for you to completely forgive him and return to your normal routine. But he continues, and you don't interrupt.
DAVE: so um
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: that night i kind of accepted the fact that i like you
DAVE: and it was terrifying if you ask me
DAVE: though pretty obvious too
DAVE: but
DAVE: the thing is i was completely not ready to admit it or anything
DAVE: but it was so important for me to know whether it was mutual or not
DAVE: like actually really important
DAVE: so i couldnt think of anything better to do than check
DAVE: i didnt plan to kiss you
DAVE: i just wanted to see if you would back off
DAVE: but you didnt
DAVE: and i was so happy
DAVE: i
DAVE: i didnt realize how not ready i was
Okay. Okay. That's not the best explanation, but it's something. However, you have a better question.
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU RUN??
KARKAT: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME
KARKAT: I WOULD’VE UNDERSTAND.
DAVE: okay um
DAVE: you know
DAVE: about my bro
The second you hear it, you relax even more. It's this bastard, not his masculinity, thank gog. Although, honestly, you wouldn't care if it was his masculinity, knowing that he simply loves you back.
KARKAT: I DO.
DAVE: so
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: i got so fucking scared and then i run
DAVE: and then i thought it was too late
DAVE: and then i spent 4 days in my block
DAVE: and then
DAVE: i ended up on lohac
DAVE: …
DAVE: without you
DAVE: sniffle
KARKAT: OH GOG.
DAVE: yeah…
DAVE: i texted rose
DAVE: she uh
DAVE: told me to talk to you obviously
DAVE: and here i am
He finishes mumbling, still not lifting his head from your shoulder. You give yourself about a minute to process this information. He loves you. He really does love you. This isn't your imagination, and he's admitted his guilt, and he's cried for the first time in his conscious life at the thought of losing you. You feel so important and valuable, you can't help but melt.
But still, you feel like you deserve the indulgence of playing on his nerves a little too.
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: …YOU FUCKED UP, DAVE.
DAVE: yeah
KARKAT: YOU FUCKED UP REAL BAD.
DAVE: i know
KARKAT: BUT,
You speak, deliberately delaying, and feel him freeze.
KARKAT: I GUESS
What an asshole you are right now. Whatever.
KARKAT: IF YOU PROMISE THAT NOTHING LIKE THIS WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN
DAVE: dude
DAVE: obviously
KARKAT: I CAN GIVE YOU A CHANCE.
He presses himself even closer to you before pulling away, looking at you with tear-stained eyes. You rarely see him without his shades, but right now he looks especially pitiful. You’re so pale right now. Gog. You kissed, and you still can't decide on a quadrant.
DAVE: you
DAVE: youre taking me?
You have no idea how you haven't turned into a pathetic puddle from how much he melts your heart.
KARKAT: ONLY IF YOU PROMISE.
DAVE: i
DAVE: man of course
DAVE: i promise
KARKAT: OKAY.
You hug him, holding him tightly. After everything you've been through, his apology shouldn't be enough, but you don't care. He's here, in your arms, and that's what you've been missing all these days. His stupid red pajamas and his stupid shades next to you on the floor, his hair next to your face, and you're ready to forget all the resentments in the world.
You reluctantly pull away to stand up before offering him your hand.
KARKAT: COME ON.
He stands after you, picking up his shades. He hesitates before captchaloguing them, deciding not to put them on yet. Even this small gesture makes your bloodpusher beat a little faster. He consciously chooses to remain vulnerable around you, and it really does its job of proving to you that he cares.
He stands there awkwardly before hugging you again, exhaling into your neck.
DAVE: karkat…
KARKAT: YEAH?
DAVE: can i
DAVE: sleep in your block tonight
He mumbles so quietly that you can barely hear, completely finishing you off.
You know you shouldn't forgive him so quickly. You know you need time, that you need to think and calm down. But how can you refuse him when he asks so quietly and carefully, as if he's scared you'll turn him down?
You suck a breath before pushing him onto your bed, crawling over him and looking down like you will actually murder him if he won’t listen to you. This is important.
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: I NEED YOU TO SAY IT.
KARKAT: I NEED YOU TO PROMISE IT OUT LOUD,
KARKAT: FUCKING VOW TO ME YOU WON’T DO THIS SHIT EVER AGAIN.
DAVE: i–
DAVE: i promise
KARKAT: SAY IT.
KARKAT: SAY YOU WON’T DISAPPEAR.
DAVE: i wont
DAVE: dude i promise i wont um
DAVE: i wont disappear
DAVE: ever again
KARKAT: GOOD.
KARKAT: BECAUSE
Your voice wavers once again, but this time you don’t try to fight it. You deserve your share of tears.
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I COULD–
KARKAT: SNIFFLE
KARKAT: TAKE IT.
You lower yourself into his chest, hugging him even tighter and breaking into the tears you've been holding back all this time. He hugs you back and a bit awkwardly pats your back, seemingly trying to replicate the action you did to him earlier.
DAVE: oh god
DAVE: shh
DAVE: im sorry
DAVE: its okay
He tries, and it’s so pale you actually start crying even harder. You're still vacillating wildly, but that's a conversation for later. Right now, you need to settle him in your red quadrant, and you can't even describe how desperate you are for this shit to finally happen.
DAVE: i
DAVE: i love you
You didn’t even know how much you needed to hear these words in his voice. You bury yourself into his neck, sobbing into his cape now. Let this be revenge for the ruined sweater.
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU–
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU TOO,
You cry out everything that's been building up inside you, spending almost 5 minutes in total in his arms.
You pour out all the emotions that have been building up within you over these long four days, all the worries about this incident. Finally, finally, your suffering has paid off. Finally, you can relax, finally you are okay and finally you are with him.
When you're finally calm enough to speak, you spend a couple of minutes in silence. You're almost certain you'll fall asleep before you finally ask.
KARKAT: WHY…
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU GET SO SCARED?
KARKAT: I UNDERSTAND WHY, PARTIALLY, BUT
KARKAT: YOU SAID YOU FELT LIKE YOU WERE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK.
DAVE: i mean as far as i know what a panic attack is
DAVE: there is a chance i was just stressed as fuck and i accidentally lied to you
DAVE: sorry
KARKAT: OH
KARKAT: OKAY.
DAVE: but um
DAVE: i think its because
DAVE: i kinda chose you over my weird fear of my bro
DAVE: like
DAVE: in fact ive been kinda reflecting on things for these 4 days
DAVE: and well turns out my potential boyfriend is more important to me than the irrational fear of someone who has been dead for 2 years
DAVE: and when i put on my big boy pants and go to you to tell you that i love you and all that and youre like nope sorry naturally i freak out
DAVE: because i kind of sacrificed all my principles and beliefs to even tell you this
KARKAT: IN MY DEFENSE, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT AT THE TIME. YOU TOLD ME I LOOKED LIKE SHIT.
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: im sorry
KARKAT: I DON’T CARE
KARKAT: JUST…
You sigh, pressing your head back to his chest. You're both exhausted and it's already night, so you dare to assume you won't be getting out of this bed.
KARKAT: BE THERE WHEN I WAKE UP?
DAVE: of course man
KARKAT: YOU BETTER BE.
DAVE: i will
He tells you, hugging you and you close your eyes, breathing out heavily. After 4 days without sleep, it doesn't take you long to drift off.
And when you wake up, he's here, snoring at your side. And that's all that matters to you at the moment.
Finally, you have each other again. This time forever.