Chapter Text
Kyle Rayner, age 23
—
Kyle stumbled through the boomtube, and Donna was the only barrier keeping him from falling. He was still gasping and shaking as she helped him to the couch.
“You’ll be okay. I need to talk to Raven for a second, but I’ll be right back.” She kissed his forehead, and Kyle gripped the arm of the couch tightly. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. All he felt was fear like he hadn’t felt in years, and it was never this bad. For a brief second he wondered if some Yellow Lantern was messing with him, but then Donna came back over with some water.
“Drink this. I’m going to the store, but I’ll be right back.” She carefully handed him a half filled glass of water, low enough so his shaking wouldn’t spill it.
“Okay. Just- be back soon. I can’t-”
“Yes you can. And the other Titans can help you.” She squeezed his shoulder before getting up and leaving.
Kori flew over and sat next to him as he carefully took small sips of the water, learning how to breathe again. “Are you the alright?”
“Uh- I’m fine. I’m fine.” He muttered. He definitely wasn’t fine.
“You sure ‘bout that?” Gar sat next to him, too.
“I said I’m fine. I should go back, I dropped the mic, I left everyone-”
“Dude, if we took you back, you’d only get worse.”
“Yes. You need to stay here and do the calming down.” Kori put her hand on his shoulder, and he flinched away. She quickly withdrew her hand, and looked at Gar. They were both concerned.
“I’m fine. I just need a sec, and I can head back.” He rubbed his forehead. He was starting to get tired. Probably exhausted himself from panic or whatever. He’d seen it in civilians before.
“Hey, bro. Can you take your mask off?” Gar asked, and Kyle sunk into the couch.
“That’s not really my style.”
“Please? We would like to see your face.” Kori smiled gently.
“Fine…” He sighed. He ran his hand over his mask, and it dematerialized. His eyes were red and glossy from crying, and his face was flushed from the alcohol.
“Hm. Do you think he’s okay, Star?” Gar asked.
“I think he is very much the not okay.” Kori shook her head.
“So. You wanna tell us what’s up?” Gar asked, turning back to Kyle.
“Nothing’s up. I was just singing, and I got all weird out of nowhere.” He shrugged.
“About what?” Gar pushed.
“Oh, I know!” Kori answered for him. “It was a song about the hatred of himself, and it was not one of the usual songs he likes to sing. It was a woman’s pop song-”
“It was still rock enough to not be weird!” Kyle shouted, though everything Kori had said was right. “Sometimes I sing songs by woman artists, it’s not weird for me!”
“Star meant you got weird about the song, not that the song was weird.” Gar took the glass away when Kyle went from trembling to shaking again.
“Yes, it is simply the different from what you normally sing. There is nothing wrong with that.” Kori shrugged.
“Hey, I heard yelling. Is everything okay?” Raven came into the room, putting her phone in her pocket. She must’ve just called someone, but Kyle couldn’t focus enough to think about who.
“It’s fine! I’m fine!” Kyle felt his breaths start to come short, and tears started to form again. He hunched over, trying to calm himself down.
“You should come with me.” Raven held her hand out, and Kyle hesitated for a second before taking it. She helped him up, and he stood on shaky legs.
“Where are we going?” His head swam as he stood. He couldn’t tell what it was from.
“Me and Gar’s room.” She started leading him, but Kyle froze.
“But- that’s your room! And you’re a woman, and you’re with Gar, and it’s your place and his place, and-”
“It’s fine.” She shrugged. “Right, Gar?”
“Yeah! Take him in!” Gar grinned, and Kyle felt like she was planning something.
“What’s going on?” He asked hesitantly.
“Don’t worry about it. Donna and I have a plan.” Raven led him to her room, with the other two following behind.
Kyle sat on Raven’s bed when prompted, and this felt really weird. “What’s going on?”
“Donna told me some things about you, so we came up with an idea to help you.” Raven sat next to him, with Gar on his other side. Kori opted to sit in the air.
“What did she tell you about me?” He bounced his knee in anxiety, hands clasped too tightly together.
“She told me about a picture you had on your phone, so we thought we could try something similar.”
The blood drained from Kyle’s face, and he was putting all his energy into not completely panicking again. He went totally silent, breaths coming short and far between. This only lasted a few seconds before the door opened.
“I got the makeup. Are you ready?” Donna held a drug store shopping bag, and turned to see him absolutely terrified. “Kyle? You look like you just saw a ghost, are you okay?”
“Well- it is like seeing a ghost! Alex took that picture, I had it way back in my photos app, how did you even find it?! And why would you talk about it to anyone?!” He felt the sense of panic fully setting in again.
“Because I want to help you. We’re all worried, and I think this might help. You looked happier in that picture than I’d ever seen you-”
“But I shouldn’t have been! Guys can’t wear makeup, they can’t look like that, and I never should’ve sung that song! I should just keep shoving everything down forever, and I can be fine! I am fine! I don’t need anyone’s help!” He was about to walk out, when Gar spoke up.
“Shove what down? If it’s ‘bout what I think it’s ‘bout, Ray and Donna shouldn’t’ve done whatever this is.” He glared at them briefly, before turning back. “But you can’t do that forever. It’s gonna hurt, and you’ll never be fine.” He stood up to walk over to Kyle, who was shaking for the millionth time that night.
“I… I can’t tell you. You wouldn’t know. No one can know.” He whispered. “I can’t let it happen again.”
“Why not? And I’d probably know the most outta anyone in here, if this is what I think it is.”
“How could you know? And what does that even mean? Why’re you being so vague?” He couldn’t turn around, so he just had to stare at the door.
“It means I think Raven should put up a barrier so we can talk, and that Donna should’ve talked to you alone.” He looked back at the women, and Raven guiltily put up a barrier between them. Gar turned back to face Kyle, who was still facing away. “You should talk ‘bout this when you wanna, but that’s not gonna happen if you keep shoving it down.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kyle stared at the floor.
“I’ve got my own picture if you wanna see. We can be even. I know something ‘bout you, you know something ‘bout me.”
Kyle finally turned around, and Gar had his phone out. He scrolled through his photos to a picture of a young redheaded girl with a giraffe. “I don’t get it. Who’s that?”
“That’s me, before I got my powers. I wasn’t always green, or always a guy.” He smiled up at Kyle. “I don’t really show it unless I’ve gotta. I think this’s one of those times.”
“So… what? I’m not like you. I’ve always been a guy.” No he hadn’t. All the times he’d tried to say he wasn’t a guy came flooding back. “I don’t… I can’t change that.”
“Why not? If it makes you feel bad I’ll stop, but like… why can’t you change it? What’s stopping you?”
His mom hating the idea and shutting it down, and him dating Alex had stopped him. But they were both gone now. He hated the idea of doing it again around the Titans, but… it had felt so right when it happened. He sighed, and whispered his response. “Is it too late to do the makeup? I don’t want them to judge me.”
“I think this’s the last group that’s gonna judge you.” Gar smiled, and texted Raven to let the barrier down. It dissolved in seconds. Donna rushed up to Kyle and hugged him.
“Kyle, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have told Raven about the picture, I never should’ve even looked at it! And I shouldn’t have tried to force you to do this in front of everyone!”
It took him a second to speak, but he managed eventually. “It’s… yeah. You seriously shouldn’t have. But is it too late to try it again?”
Donna smiled, and let go to sit on the bed with Raven. “Not at all. Come on, let’s do it.”
Kyle smiled a little, and went over to sit with them. Maybe this would go okay.