Chapter Text
Bart had been thinking about the seating situation for three days. Not like continuously of course. That would be weird. That would be Tim levels of hyper fixation.
He had, however, thought about it while brushing his teeth, while eating cereal, while doing homework, while running laps around the mountain, but not while fighting that guy with six arms. The six-armed guy had been surprisingly distracting. Like wow can you imagine it? SIX arms. You could do SO much with six arms. If Bart had six arms he'd win the seating contest EVERY time. Well maybe he thought about it a little bit during the six-armed guy deal.
Anyways important thing was that Bart had a plan. Possibly a BRILLIANT plan. Tim's big brain made him hard to out manuever. Cassie's big muscles made her hard to overcome. What he had to do, was what he did best. He was Impulse. He was fast
The problem with movie night was that everyone kept treating the race for Kon's lap like it began when Kon sat down.
That was OBVIOUSLY arbitrary.
There was no law stating that the contest began when Kon's butt touched the couch. Nobody had ever actually said those words out loud. there wasn't an official Movie Night Charter or a laminated rulebook (though honestly it's really surprising Tim hasn't gotten on that yet).
Batman certainly hadn't emerged from the shadows one evening to declare, "The Lap Contest shall commence upon Superboy's posterior making full contact with the designated seating surface."
That would have been memorable! Highly out of character. Which would have solidified it as a rule you respect.
But anyway, all that equaled that the rule that the contest started when Kon's butt perched upon the cushions did not exist.
It had merely been... ASSUMED. Assumptions were dangerous. That's how people accidentally invented traditions that in all honestly make NO SENSE.
Somebody did something once, everyone copied them for a few weeks, and suddenly it was always done that way despite nobody remembering why. Society was FULL of things like that. Maybe this was one of them. Maybe somewhere along the line they'd collectively decided that Kon's lap only became available after Kon's butt...
Bart blinked.
Why was he spending this much time thinking about the exact moment Kon's butt became legally viable for the contest?
He wasn't even sure 'legally' was the right word. There probably wasn't a word for this. There probably shouldn't be. Butt politics weren't even an actual thing. He made a mental note to stop analyzing Kon's buns of steel with the seriousness of a constitutional lawyer.
Then immediately discarded the note. Because once one starts thinking about Kon's butt can one truly just STOP?
No. Bart, no.
Focus.
This wasn't about Kon's butt.
It was about precedent. The butt merely happened to be central to the precedent.
They'd gotten back from patrol exhausted, dusty, and hungry. Cassie was complaining about her hair. Tim was doing that thing where he insisted he wasn't tired despite looking like he could fall asleep standing up. Bart was certain he was only still standing because he was leaning against his bo-staff. He'd claimed he only had it out because it had godden dented in the fight and he couldn't collapse and holster it.
Kon was designated pack mule from their brief stop at a convenience store for junk food on the way back to the mountain. Just as tired as everyone else he was the only one complete loaded up with plastic bags full of chips, oreos, and more cans of Zesti then Tim could possible drink (Bert still didn't know how he could drink all those without needing to pee every three seconds! He didn't have a meta-gene but maybe he had a Zesti-gene)
Anyways. Bart was the man with the plan tonight and it was imperitive that Kon was distracted by the bags and had his hands occupied.
His heart rate increased in anticipation. His strategy was about to take fruit. No one would expect it.
Kon headed toward the couch. Bart had to be patient. It was SO hard being patient. But it was going to be worth it. Just a little more...
Three...
Twoooo...
Bart moved and the world slowed as he focused on the goal. He'd calculated his angle of approach. The precise distance from the couch that would make this ideal. Tim and Cassie's most likely positions so he'd prevent any and all interference.
Most importantly: the exact moment Kon would be occupied with the snacks. The moment as he approached the coffee table and was mentally trying to fugure out the best way to detangle all the bags from his arms and set them down as neatly as possible.
It was perfect.
Bart launched himself.
Kon barely had time to blink before Bart collided with him. The bags crinkled as Kon staggered backward, not because Bart was heavy even he knew he weighed about as much as a bag of apples, but surprise! He never saw him coming. Never expected him!
Bart wrapped both arms around his shoulders, mouth split into a brilliant grin.
"Got him!" he shouted victoriously.
There was a moment of silence as Kon looked down at him. Bart smiled up at him. He had done it. He had won. He had outsmarted the system and his best friends. He'd do a victory lap around the mountain but that would kind of defeat the purpose here. And lose the other lap.
Bart had secured the best possible position before anyone else had the opportunity to compete.
It was a flawless plan.
Tim and Cassie stared. Speechless at his flawless brilliance no doubt!
Bart waited for the congratulations.
They did not come.
Instead, Cassie slowly put her hands on her hips.
"That doesn't count."
"What?" Bart's grin vanished.
"You jumped him before he even sat down!"
"Exactly," Bart nodded. That was the plan. He found the loophole! He exploited the loophole! He won!
"Exactly why it doesn't count," Cassie narrowed her eyes at him.
"Why wouldn't it count?"
"Because the contest is for his lap not a contest to see who... hugs him first!"
Tim made an interesting sound from over by the DVD rack. Bart didn't have time to analyze that though
Instead, he looked down... technically she was correct. He was NOT on Kon's lap. He was sort of hanging off him. Hugging him really. Not that he was ever shy about grabbing someone for a hug. But this really was just an unfortunate technicality that he hadn't really thought of. But luckily he could think just as fast as he could move and he had a solution within seconds.
He immediately wrapped his legs around Kon's waist. Kon sighed heavily, arms still extended and laden with snacks. He seemed to be just quietly waiting for everyone else to settle this.
"Now I'm on him," Bart thought his logic was flawless.
"That's not the same thing," Cassie seemed to still be in disagreement
"It's similar enough!"
Tim made another sound and seemed to not be flipping through the DVDs anymore. Bart decided he must be trying not to laugh.
Kon, meanwhile, looked like he was considering simply leaving the mountain.
"Guys..." he finally sighed.
"No," Bart tightened his grip.
"I haven't even sat down," Kon sounded desperate, he gestured to the coffee table, "I need to put the snacks down at least."
"I'll allow it!" the speedster clung tighter, "Just put them down I won't fall off."
Kon sighed in defeat while Bart smiled victoriously.
He could already feel the warm Kryptonian heat through his clothes and he nuzzed his head against his shoulder, already getting cozy as Kon set all the bags down.
Mount Justice was cold and Kon was warm and comfortable to sit on. Bart liked the simplicity of it and he liked the familiar closeness.
He liked being around his friends. He liked leaning on them and hanging off them and occasionally using them as furniture (Kon was not alone in that respect he would climb up on any of them). There was nothing strange about that. Humans were social animals. Physical affection was good for you. Bart had read that somewhere.
"Can I sit now?" Kon looked down at Bart. It looked like amusement was beginning to win over the tiredness.
Bart considered the question carefully. If Kon sat down while Bart was already holding him, Bart would technically remain in position... There could be no complaints then. He'd be in his lap. You couldn't argue that he wasn't.
"Sure," he nodded firmly
Kon lowered himself toward the couch and Bart prepared to settle comfortably.
Then Cassie spoke up because of course she would
"New rule."
"No," Bart's entire body went rigid.
Tim had apparently recovered enough to become interested in the proceedings.
"Yes," Cassie crossed her arms and looked pointedly at Bart, "The contest doesn't begin until Kon sits down."
"The rule isn't official."
"It is now."
Bart's brain raced. That was unfair! They were changing the rules after he'd successfully exploited the absence of rules.
There should have been a rule against that.
But if there was a rule against changing rules, that rule would itself have to be established before...
Bart stopped.
This was becoming circular.
He hated circular arguments.
"That's dumb!" he settled on his retort.
"It was a good strategy, Bart," Tim finally spoke up and he was definitely laughing now, "But it's only going to work once."
Kon looked between them all.
"Can everyone just please just sit down so we can start?"
There were a few more muttered complains but all in all it seemed everyone was in agreement and Cassie and Tim settled down. Bart loosened his cling on Kon so he could unzip the Kryptonian's hoodie. Kon looked down in confusion as Bart then turned around in his lap to face the television and zipped the hoodie back up around them both as he snuggled nicely against his chest. Perfect.
It was a little annoying that this loophole was closed now... but Bart was certain that if he thought hard enough he could find others.
For now though?
He was content being the night's victor.