Chapter Text
Dan does feel a bit more normal after their argument. He slowly regains trust that Phil will not spontaneously combust.
They have already packed their luggage when they get the notification - their flight got cancelled. Dan spends half an hour in the queue of the hotline to find out what that means for them, then another ten minutes booking another night at the hotel, confirming they can keep the room. They got up early in the morning, ready to go, and so by noon, they’re both bored.
“Shoot, I’m supposed to film a video for the Nord spon tomorrow,” Phil remembers, groaning. “That’s annoying. They already extended the deadline for me.”
Dan huffs. “They better.” You almost died. “You’re their most reliable brand ambassador. They can deal with you being late once.”
Phil huffs, shooting him a look. “That mindset is the reason why I’m the main breadwinner in this house.”
Dan rewards him with a deadpan expression, and Phil chuckles at his own joke. He looks back up at the ceiling, thinking. “What if we filmed a video right now?”
“Now? I thought you were planning to play this mobile game, we don’t have the equipment here for that.”
Phil avoids his gaze. “We could tell them about the ass bleeding incident.”
It takes Dan a moment to understand what Phil is suggesting. Before he can open his mouth to intervene, Phil interrupts him.
“We don’t need fancy equipment for that. We can just use your phone camera.”
“That story is traumatic as fuck, how do you want to turn that into something entertaining?”
“We’ve done it before, when I ate the glue. That was traumatic, and we still managed to do a really fun video about it. People love it! Let’s just do that again.”
Dan frowns. “Yeah, but you weren’t actually in danger then, you were just having a panic attack.”
Phil finally looks at him. A grin spreads on his face and he raises his eyebrows. “Are you not up for the challenge, Howell?”
Dan wants to protest that they haven’t even discussed this properly between them, how can they talk about it in front of the camera. But then again, this is what they do, and they’ve done it so many times before. And here’s the thing - something about reflecting on life for their fans makes them both more honest. This could be his chance to get more insight into how Phil is feeling about this.
He gives Phil an eyeroll and a dramatically heavy sigh. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.”
The filming is tough. Dan is a professional, and he knows how to tell the story in a way that is funny, but he still fails to make it as lighthearted as he’s planned. Once or twice, a joke leads nowhere, because he’s too distressed to think of a good punchline. A couple of times, he says something too earnest, too dark, and he knows it will have to be edited out, interrupting the flow of the conversation. He does his best to match Phil’s carefree vibes but finds himself falling back into the edgy, irritable persona he’s been trying to fade out, but it works well enough for the video. It’s exhausting, pretending he’s over it when he really isn’t. Phil seems to struggle less - he’s witty, easy, leading the audience through the entire thing. He’s clearly been thinking about this for a while, preparing what parts to share and what parts to cut, what parts to play up for comedic effect. He manages to catch Dan off guard and make him laugh a couple of times. Dan appreciates it.
And while they have updated each other on every part of the story as it happened and there isn’t much that the other doesn’t know, it turns out that there are still a few unexpected blanks that need to be filled.
Dan is trying his hardest to tell the story about coming to the reception desk in a way that is funny. He knows he has to carry this section - Phil does not remember any of it. He’s just dramatically imitating Phil falling to the ground by clapping his hands together, when he sees Phil open his mouth out of the corner of his eyes. Even without fully looking at him, he recognises the mischief in his eyes. He wants to get through this part as fast as possible but he senses there is something to mine here.
“Oh, what are you about to say?” he asks, seemingly annoyed.
“Why didn’t you catch me?” Phil asks, way too quickly, like the question had been on the tip of his tongue for weeks.
Dan’s jaw drops for a moment. He stares at Phil, incredulously. “Why didn’t I catch you?”
And he can see it in his mind as if he’s there again. Phil swaying for a second, just enough time for Dan’s brain to register that the situation is changing, something is wrong. Dan has never seen someone so tall fall so fast. Luckily, Phil fell in Dan’s direction, and Dan grabbed his body instinctively, keeping him from falling by any means possible. But Phil was heavy. Way too heavy to keep him upright, even for a few seconds. Dan did his best to lower him gently while he had the strength to.
Maybe he should have done it more gently. Maybe he should have gone to the gym more often, to be prepared for this specific emergency scenario. He has already decided to pick up another gym class to be better prepared in case this ever happens again.
“Do you know how freaking heavy you are? I did catch you!”
Dan urges Phil to do the reenactment because he knows their fans will love it, but he also does it so that Phil understands what happened. Because he realises that, behind the accusation of Dan being a bad friend, which is funny for the video, there is a genuine inquiry about what happened when he turned unconscious. It is a question Dan is not sure he could answer seriously without his voice breaking, but yelling at Phil for the audience’s entertainment works.
Phil’s need for details encourages Dan to be honest. “And then Phil, who is no longer conscious, decides to… stop clenching. And it turns out, Phil, in the cab, really needed to keep clenching, because the moment that he didn’t - The Shining moment.” He really hopes it’s dramatic enough for it to be comedic because he doesn’t manage to adjust his voice the way he usually would. Thankfully, Phil is already giggling, hiding his face out of embarrassment and making light of the situation, as if this was no different than tripping over your feet and falling over in public. It might just work. If not, Phil will edit it out. And so Dan continues. “I think it was coming out of your ankle hole in your trousers. And then, because you fainted, you did a little roll, and you spread it across the floor. So in about five seconds, you were on the floor, in an entire pool of your own blood, looking like a murder outline.”
Phil chuckles along, but by the time Dan finishes, he is no longer laughing.
Shit. Too much. Dan hurries to describe the reaction of the other patients in the waiting room, sailing them back to the safe waters that is making fun of British people. He does a mental note to lean more heavily on jokes after this.
Despite his missteps and how demanding it is emotionally, Dan is surprised by how well it’s going. He can only know for sure once he sees the final cut, but he’s got a feeling they get enough footage for an entertaining video. When Phil retells the part of the nurse mistaking them for father and son, Dan can’t help but laugh earnestly. It was amusing the first time, but now that he doesn’t have to deal with Phil being in the hospital, now that the situation is truly over and Phil is safe, he allows himself to fully enjoy watching Phil rage about it.
I wish they knew.
The thought crosses his mind and catches him by surprise. It’s true, though - their audience would enjoy the story even more if they knew the truth about the nature of their relationship. They would appreciate how bizarre the situation was. Dan realises with a flutter in his stomach that he wishes he could just tell them.
He imagines it for a moment, how the whole video would be received if they knew. He’s pretty sure that regardless of the humorous tone, their audience will feel the horror of the situation, and they will understand the emotional gravity it had for them. They already know that Phil is his soulmate, that they are a unit. Still, if they knew they were life partners in a romantic sense as well, would it change things for them? Would it hit different? Dan finds, strangely, that he wouldn’t mind if it did. It would just be the truth, simple as that.
They are finishing up the story, ending on a light note with them making it to their holiday, and Dan is ready to be done with this, when Phil sets out to end on a reflective note.
“So, not the most fun I’ve ever had. But, I’m gonna be fine and I’ve decided to not take any personal trauma from this. No anxiety.”
Oh, have you now? Dan thinks bitterly, because this is the first time he hears about it. If they had talked about this before, he would have told Phil that that’s fucking bullshit. “Yes!” he agrees, as ultimately that’s what he wants for Phil, but he can’t help but follow up with a mild dig. “You just put it in a little box. Say that it was fine. Everything worked out. Scoop.” He gestures throwing the metaphorical box away.
“Use. Humour. As a Coping. Strategy!” Phil exclaims, clapping his hands in rhythm, not even listening to Dan’s attempt at jibing him.
Dan can’t take Phil’s mindless attitude for a second longer and segues into once again promoting the tour.
He can feel Phil’s excitement - and relief - radiate. “I’m pumped full of Olympian blood. And ready to go,” he exclaims with a grin.
“Yeah?” Dan laughs fondly. “Phil’s got that 30% straight in him now and he’s ready to deliver a performance.”
Perhaps he’s underestimating his partner. Perhaps he’s actually coping alright. He would really like to believe it, if he didn’t know him well enough to know that Phil would simply pretend to be fine, then unconsciously fall back into old patterns of avoiding anything that could hurt him or make him feel uncomfortable, and then Phil’s world will shrink again to the size of their house, and it’s going to take so much time and effort to broaden it again.
He tries to drop it, he really does - but he can’t. He has a sense of foreboding that he will never be allowed to bring this up again after the filming of this video. So he decides to really push.
“And I’m glad we made it through and we’re laughing about it now, but, jokes aside… It was slightly traumatic in the moment.” Dan knows that most, if not all of this, is going to be cut, but he does not dare to speak to Phil directly. Under the ruse of filming the video, he gets to say whatever he wants. “It was actually really close. No clickbait - Phil actually almost died. And for a moment, I genuinely thought… that I would lose him. And that was terrifying.”
Phil is looking uncomfortable now, opening his mouth to interrupt him, but Dan presses on.
“And it’s one of these things where, look, the thing happened, and then you kinda get through it, and then you’re fine, and then your body heals, cause that’s what people do, then you can kinda get over it?”
“Yeah,” Phil agrees, looking away as Dan looks at him. He looks like he’s either dying of boredom or dying to end the video, or maybe both.
Dan watches Phil’s reaction carefully, trying to get him to establish eye contact. “So there’s not much point dwelling…” he says, making it sound like advice for Phil, when really it is a question. Are you okay? Are you thinking about it constantly like I am?
“I’m not gonna dwell!” Phil says, maybe with a little too much confidence to be entirely believable.
“...On the flashback of all the blood…” Dan says before he can stop himself, only partly to push Phil further.
“That’s your flashback,” Phil interrupts him sharply, voice dripping with annoyance. “You’re the one dwelling on this.”
“You just talked about shitting blood,” Dan says quickly, defensively. Phil is right, of course, but he needs to steer them back to talking to the camera if he wants to continue this.
“And thankfully, Phil did finally decide that shitting blood is not actually normal and that maybe he should alert his friend about it. And we got to the hospital just in time. If Phil didn’t go to A&E…”
“No, we don’t do that!” Phil interrupts, as if they’d had this discussion before.
“We don’t talk about that, because he did, and it was fine,” Dan says, as if he agrees.
“And I worked through my health anxiety in therapy and I’ve got coping mechanisms to deal with it. When I get these thoughts, I can be like, ‘no!’”
Dan has been expecting Phil to bring up the few sessions of therapy that he had done, as he does whenever Dan suggests that maybe seeing a therapist regularly would be beneficial for him. He can already see them fighting in the future about this. Phil finding ways to stay at Dan’s side every minute of the day. Phil making excuses to not go outside. Phil waking him up in the middle of the night because he’s convinced himself he has some terminal illness. Phil arguing that his behaviour is normal and that he’s fine because he’s been to therapy and has coping mechanisms.
He lets Phil segue to ending the video after that, too tired to keep pushing whilst pretending it isn’t exactly what he’s doing.
They stop the recording once they’re done, and while Dan lets out a deep sigh of relief, Phil is already up and walking to the terrace door.
“Where are you going?” he asks sharply, jumping up from his chair.
“Outside. Enjoying the last few hours we have here.”
“Now?” Dan crosses the room. Phil takes a step back.
“Yeah. Why?”
Dan drags his hand across his face, letting out a frustrated sigh. “Oh my god, Phil. You can’t keep running from this.”
“I’m not running!”
“Can we just sit down, please?”
“Why?”
Phil doesn’t move, staring at Dan. Dan bites his lip, knowing he can’t make it sound like a command or Phil won’t listen.
“Please,” he says, softening his voice. He’s so tired of this. He lets his eyes plead with Phil.
For a moment, his partner doesn’t move. Dan thinks he might make up some excuse and run anyway, but after a moment, he moves over to the bed and sits down on it, cross-legged, shoulders tense. Dan lets out a silent sigh of relief and follows him, sitting down carefully, as if Phil was a cat he was trying not to scare away.
“We need to talk about things,” he says quietly. “Seriously.”
Phil looks away. “What else is there to talk about?”
“Like the fact that we need to make a will. For real, this time.”
They have talked about this before, when Phil’s mysterious dizzy spells were starting to turn into a long-term problem. One night, Dan had caught Phil in the middle of a panic spiral that had him reading up on inheritance law. With them not being married, Dan is not going to inherit anything unless Phil explicitly says so in a will. Dan had taunted him, pushing back against Phil’s fear of dying, first by loudly taking the shit out of him, then by tackling Phil onto the sofa. He hadn’t stopped playfighting him until he saw Phil laugh and visibly relax beneath him, and then he had made sure there would be no thoughts left in that beautiful brain by using all of his years of expertise in the blowjob that followed. They have agreed to make a will, if only to appease Phil’s anxiety, but with Phil’s health getting better again, the urgency declined enough for them both to forget about it.
Phil looks uncomfortable at the reminder of that. “You said I was being crazy.”
Dan bites his lip, guiltily. He wishes he could still stand behind that. “I’m sorry. You were right - we should get this taken care of, just as a precaution. We’re not actually going to need it-”
“You wouldn’t suggest it if you didn’t think we might,” Phil retorts sharply, voice wavering slightly. He shoots Dan a look, pouting, making it well known that he hates every second of this.
“Look, I did think you were overreacting at the time. But I guess I didn’t want to think about the possibility of any of us dying before the age of 103.”
Phil huffs a weak laugh, and Dan takes the opportunity to take his hand. Phil stops, recognising how serious this is.
“But then, in the hospital-…you collapsed, and there was so much-...” Now it’s Dan’s turn to avoid Phil’s gaze. He drops his eyes to their hands in his lap, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “You didn’t see yourself. It was-…really bad. It was really bad.”
Dan stares at their hands, now both a little tan, so different from just two weeks ago. He closes his eyes, fighting the tears. He holds his breath, not wanting to let it show how shaken he feels, but the lump in his throat grows larger until he gasps for air.
And then Phil’s arms drape around him, pulling him against his shoulder. He reaches around Phil’s waist and grabs at his shirt, holding on tight. He stays there, allowing himself to be comforted by the familiar smell of Phil. Phil doesn’t release the pressure of the hug until Dan’s breathing calms again.
“I didn’t realise it was this scary for you,” Phil says quietly. “Maybe even scarier than it was for me.”
“Yeah?” Dan rests his head against Phil’s shoulder, letting himself be held.
“Was it really coming out of my ankle holes?”
Dan smiles despite himself. “Trouser legs,” he corrects himself belatedly. He hesitates, considers briefly to downplay it, then he nods.
“So, what you said in the video… That wasn’t exaggerated?”
Dan bites his lip and shakes his head against Phil’s shoulder, now looking up to see his reaction.
Phil is silent for a moment. “That’s scary,” he says finally, and Dan nods again.
“I don’t think I thought I was dying at the time. I was quite convinced that they could handle it. Half the time I was too disoriented to understand what was happening. But I look back at it now and I hate it, because that was way too close.”
“I can’t stop thinking about the timing,” Dan interjects, because he can’t stop himself. “I swear I didn’t know it was that serious, or else I would have called an ambulance.”
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how bad it was,” Phil says quietly.
He stays quiet for a while, but Dan can feel him building up the courage to say something. He pulls away to look at him, waiting patiently until Phil finally huffs and looks away as he speaks. “I don’t like the thought that the one time I did not freak out, it turns out I should have freaked out more. It’s not great for dealing with my anxiety.”
Dan’s heart breaks a little. “I know, bub.” He’s proud of Phil for finally admitting that, but he wishes there was anything he could do to help. He knows that any mention of therapy will immediately end the conversation, so he files it away for another day. “How about next time you’re having a medical emergency, you tell me exactly what’s happening? No sugarcoating the sharting of the blood. And I’ll tell you if it’s something to worry about.”
Phil laughs quietly at that, but he finds Dan’s eyes to gaze into. “Yeah, alright. That might work.”
Phil hugs him again and pushes him down onto the bed, burying his face in Dan’s chest. Dan is not sure they’re done talking, so he just waits, gently brushing his fingers through Phil’s blonde hair.
When Phil speaks again, his voice is quiet, like he’s scared anyone but them could hear him. “I don’t want to die yet. I’ve still got so many things I wanna do.”
Dan hums, simply continuing to caress his hair. “Like what?”
“Direct a movie, maybe. Join the Olympics. Have a threesome.”
Dan laughs loudly, sharing a quick grin with Phil before they settle back down.
“I don’t know,” Phil continues. “I’m just not done yet, you know?”
“Yeah,” Dan says softly. Another wave of emotion hits his body, gratitude that Phil is still here with him. He squeezes him tighter, letting it wash through him. It gets a little easier every time this happens. “If it makes you feel better, I don’t think you need to worry about that in the near future. Apparently it takes a lot more to get rid of you.”
Phil smiles up at him. “Thank you, Danny.”
Dan sighs theatrically, rolling his eyes. “There go my hopes and dreams of that life insurance.”
Phil raises his eyebrows, challenging him with a grin. “You know, it would be so much easier to just marry me.”
“Fuck off, you spoiled twat,” he says, laughing, but it comes out too softly.
Because part of him is not in on the joke. Part of him is thinking about how commitment isn’t all that laughable…
Phil must notice, because his face takes on a look of confusion, then disbelief, then worry. “Dan?”
Dan rolls his eyes, but he feels his cheeks heat as he blushes. “No, I haven’t changed my views on marriage. Sorry, your near-death experience was not enough to get you that ring.”
Phil chuckles, but his eyes stay vigilantly on Dan, waiting for an explanation. Dan can’t stand it. He looks down, biting his lip.
He knows he wants it. He’s been wanting it since the nurse asked him who he is to Phil, and he’s been wanting it again and again ever since. He’s been waiting for that feeling to change now that Phil is back and safe, but it hasn’t. Now he just needs to say it, turn this thought into a decision, but the words are heavy on his tongue.
“You’re scaring me today!” It’s the honesty, barely dressed as a joke, that makes Dan look up again.
Phil’s eyes widen with horror. “Wait. You’re not actually considering a threesome, are you? I told you, it’s just gonna be-”
“No!” Dan laughs, something inside his chest blooming. Excitement. “Can you shut up for a second?”
He feels too aware of his skin and everything it is touching. He takes a deep breath, fuck it. “I think I want to tell them.”
Phil stares at him, brow furrowed with confusion. There is a moment of hesitation. “Tell who?” A beat. “About what?”
“The world,” says Dan, and feels like he can’t breathe. “About us.”
A new range of emotions crosses Phil’s face. Disbelief. Then, devastatingly: hope.
Dan takes in a sharp breath. The air fills his lungs again, despite the butterflies in his stomach. He can feel it now - relief. It’s so sweet that he wants to cry.
“Wait - is this some kind of crisis? Are you just saying that because I died?”
“You didn’t die,” Dan corrects him with an eyeroll and a smile. “And I don’t think it’s a crisis. This isn’t because I was suddenly reminded of your mortality - well, maybe a little.”
He giggles and Phil swats at his arm. “Shut up!” his partner says with a pout, clearly eager for him to continue with his explanation. Dan just smiles.
“I just… I felt like I was back in the closet. At the hospital. I wanted to worry for you and there was this nagging fear of being seen, of having this revealed. It shouldn’t have been there - not in this situation, and not ever. When I came out, I never wanted to live like that ever again.” Dan bites down on his chopped lip until he tastes blood. He hesitates for a moment but decides to say it. It’s a moment of honesty. “Also, our fans… They already know. So it wouldn’t really make much of a difference, but… it would. Coming from us. I think I want to trust them with this.”
He can just make out Phil beaming at him before he’s suddenly being suffocated in his embrace. He makes a show out of struggling for air, but then he’s laughing, and Phil is laughing, and they’re just a bundle of shaking limbs, clinging onto each other. They hold each other long after the laughter subsides.
“So,” Phil finally says, pulling back to look at Dan, barely containing his joy. “How are we going to make the biggest deal out of this, Howell?”
Dan huffs and gives Phil a deadpan look, although he isn’t sure he is able to keep his affection out of it, because his heart swells with the feeling of being known. “I haven’t thought about it yet, actually,” he says quietly. He leans his chin on Phil’s shoulder to think.
“I think we should sit with that decision for a minute,” Phil suggests with a smile, clearly still not convinced this is not just a post-near-death crisis induced crackpot idea, which… fair enough. “We’ve got the tour coming next. We probably don’t need a crazy announcement to keep the fans busy.”
Dan hums in agreement. “Yeah, that might kill them.” He absent-mindedly draws circles on Phil’s arm, thinking. Phil flicks his cheek. “Oi, what the hell?”
“You’re getting broody.”
Dan sighs. “I just… I don’t want to keep hiding. We’ll be on tour, and there’s going to be people everywhere… I don’t want to get two hotel rooms again and feel like I’m being chased by a bear when I walk down the hall to yours.”
Phil thinks about it for a moment. “Maybe we don’t have to do that. Maybe we can… soft launch? Ease into it, while we’re on tour. We can just… hide less. Test the waters with the fans. Give us some time to get used to it.”
Give you some time to get used to it, is what that means. Dan can’t help it that his eyes start to burn with adoration and love for this man who has never treated him with anything but understanding and compassion. Dan stares at Phil, who looks back at him with an easy smile that makes him want to kiss him, and so he does, because he can. If his cheeks are wet when they part, nobody mentions it.
“Are you okay with that?” Dan asks to double-check, because they’re building all this around him and what he wants. But Phil just smiles, amused.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m not the one with commitment issues.”
“Oi!” Dan swats at him but it’s not enough to stop Phil from laughing, so he pushes him back onto the bed, which only makes Phil laugh louder, and soon he doesn’t know if they are fighting or laughing or making out. Dan ends up with his arms wrapped around Phil, face against his chest, breathing him in. Phil’s hand is petting his hair, and he lets himself have that moment of peace and safety. Even in an uncertain future that is changed by this big decision they just made, there will always be this.
“If I had known that all it takes is bleeding out from my ass…” Phil muses, teasing him. Dan shoots him a warning look. “What? I’m just saying, if that’s what it takes, what would I have to do to get a ring?”
Dan can’t help it. He’s grinning, laughter bubbling out of him. “You fucking cunt. Don’t even joke about it. Shut up.”
“What?” Phil tries to play innocent, but he’s starting to laugh, too. “Maybe next time I can-”
“There better not be a ‘next time,’ or I’m gonna kill you.”
“Okay, but what if-”
Dan rolls his eyes and shuts him up the only foolproof way there is. He rewards Phil with an annoyed glare, then reaches up to cup his jaw and pulls him down into a kiss.