My preschooler threw a massive tantrum at the grocery store today after I told them we were having dinner at their Aunt’s house.
I don’t even know how to explain what happened because I don’t fully understand it myself. I just got full custody of them, and it’s taken a while for us to find any sort of rhythm. I actually lurked here and took some advice about using a visual routine board, and honestly, it was a game-changer for us. But today I told them we were going to a family dinner, and they just exploded in the middle of the bakery aisle.
But the thing is they like their Aunt and Uncle. They get along great! And they spend a lot of time with their cousins. I don’t think this was about not wanting to go. I managed to get them to calm down out in the parking lot with some breathing exercises that I learned for myself. We went back in, bought what we needed, and stuck to the plan of going to the Aunt's house. They behaved the rest of the night, aside from complaining about bath time and bedtime stories later like a grumpy old person.
I just feel like I'm failing this kid who has already lost so much. Did I handle the meltdown right by going back inside and finishing the chore? Should I avoid taking them out on weeknights altogether until they are more settled? Does this sound like an attachment issue, or did I just break the golden rule of toddler routines? I don’t know what I'm doing. Any input or reality checks would be hugely appreciated.
@ParentOfWildOne
I've been in your shoes, I think every parent has at some point. My kiddo has some mobility issues and used to have meltdowns that felt like they came from absolutely nowhere. I'd rack my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong, and usually, the answer was nothing. Or everything. Or something I couldn't possibly have predicted.
Kids that age don't have the words for "I'm overwhelmed by this change even though I like the change." So it comes out as screaming because that’s all they know. I think the breathing exercises were a great call. You helped them regulate before trying to fix anything else. Going back inside was the right move too, it shows them that big feelings don't mean we abandon the plan. You're teaching them that the world is still safe even when they're not in control.
As for the routine disruption, our occupational therapist told me something once that for little kids, "expectation" and "reality" live in two different parts of the brain. When those two things don't match, the bridge between them is basically a tantrum. It's not a behavior problem, just the way their little brain develops.
Also, you didn't break the golden rule. The golden rule is that you keep showing up no matter what, and you clearly are.
You're doing better than you think you are. And that kid is lucky to have someone who cares this much.
@stormsurvivor
Honestly? You handled this like a champ. You didn't give in, you didn't leave the store in shame, and you didn't punish them for having feelings.
The first few months are brutal because you're both learning each other's rhythms while also dealing with the weight of everything that came before you.
About the weeknight thing, I'd say don't avoid going out entirely. That's how you end up isolated and resentful. Just adjust your expectations. Maybe plan for the meltdown, pack snacks, give yourself extra time. Know that it might be messy, and that's okay.
Also "complaining about bath time like a grumpy old person" made me laugh. I think we've all been there.
@GrumpyDuo
You said the visual routine board was a game-changer and that makes me think your kid craves predictability and routine. So when you dropped this new plan on them (even if it’s a good plan, with people they love) it was like pulling the rug out from under them. Their brain went "I didn't prepare for this" and short-circuited.
Here's what I do for my two: I talk through the entire day in the morning, including anything out of the ordinary. "Today, we're going to school, then we're going to the store, and then we're going to Auntie's house for dinner." Then I repeat it again at lunch, and during play time, and during snack time... By the time we actually go, it's not a surprise anymore.
Oh, and the breathing exercises were a great move! That's something a lot of parents forget to do in the moment, they go straight to "fixing" the problem without helping the kid regulate first. I've done this a lot before figuring out the issue! 😅
