Chapter Text
13th August 2023 M.E.
Four, I have given you this diary to write whatever you want in. Be it your feelings, your opinions, your ideas... it could be anything, really, but bear in mind that it's not private, as I do have to read this through to monitor your recovery. Don't blame me, blame the people who designed this therapist course I'm doing, gya-ha-ha!
But seriously, don't blame me for this, or make a fuss about it. It's all to help you feel more comfortable, so please write at least a few entries. You can go at your own pace, but I will be checking this book regularly. I promise you, it will help.
-DJ Octavio
Kid, it's been three days. Have you even picked up the diary yet? I don't want to force you to write in this book during our sessions together, but I will if I have to. Please, to make it easier for the both of us, just write something.
-DJ Octavio
I'm not doing this. It's stupid and it won't change anything. And don't call me ‘kid’.
Four, you have nothing else to do. I'm not just trying to help you, I'm trying to entertain you!
Maybe to you it feels like we're all being too pushy, but trust me, we just want to see you relax, even a little bit. That's the first step, and you'll never get there without a small change in your routine, which last time I checked consists of… uh, let me see… oh yes, sitting on the couch all day doing nothing. So I'll ask you one more time - PLEASE write a FULL diary entry before our next session. Don't test my patience again.
-DJ Octavio
Wow, rude much? And you claim to be ‘helping’ me, just like everyone else insists they're doing. Do you know why I don't do anything? Because the only thing that happens in this apartment is people coming in, talking to me about my supposed ‘recovery’ and leaving without actually doing anything. It's sickening. I feel like I'm being held captive.
If this diary is the only idea you have for entertainment, then don't even bother. I've never been interested in TV or music anyway, and I'm not allowed to leave so I can't do anything active or productive. But why would I even want to leave? I left the surface for a reason, y'know. The only reason I'm back is because you guys forcibly dragged me here. Taking advantage of me whilst I was unconscious for a few days. What a fantastic thing to do.
It's become so clear to me that none of you had a plan for what to do with me. I can imagine it now: step 1, defeat the Commander in a huge spectacle in front of everyone she cares about, step 2, tell her how oh-so-sorry we are and that we'll never cruelly abandon her again, and step 3, live happily ever after. Something went wrong along the way, though, like it always does, and now you've got some ex-agent moping about in a random Splatsville apartment.
Oh, yeah, I haven't even mentioned Three - or rather the Captain now, because she got promoted for some reason - being the most boring roommate imaginable. You'd think her guilt would encourage her to interact with me at least a little, right? Try and make me feel at home? No, she just sits there with that sad look on her face and that's it. I mean, I guess she cooks and cleans and stuff, but that's only because it's her own apartment. I'm willing to bet that if I wasn't here she'd be talking and smiling and doing fun stuff with you guys like she used to do. Once again I'm the problem.
And your therapy sessions are useless. You said you were going to help me understand my tentacle better, but all we've been doing is talking about my stupid ‘emotional journey’! You're so keen to sound like a profreshional therapist even though I can see you completing those online courses during our sessions. It's laughable.
Here, I'll give you some feedback - redirect your focus to my boss tentacle implant and how I can stop it influencing my emotions too much. THAT'S what's actually important here, not making me happy or whatever it is you're trying to do. Because newsflash: as long as I'm on the surface, I'm never going to be happy.
You know what hurt the most when I woke up for the first time in this apartment? Realising that all the people I was Commander to were not only far, far away but that their location was going to be kept from me.
Surely you of all people might be able to understand what that feels like; they used to be your army, after all. But instead of empathising with me you chose to side with Cuttlefish, and Callie, and Marie, and claim that all this secrecy is for my own good. That if I knew where they were, I wouldn't try to move on with my life and I wouldn't ever ‘recover’ from what happened in Octopia. Do you realise how backwards that sounds? Now I just spend my time worrying about them all because I have no idea what's going on with them.
I don't regret all that screaming and shouting. Not one bit. In fact, I wish I'd stayed barricaded in the Captain's room for a few more days just to make it that bit more inconvenient for you all to get me to come out. Because, if you couldn't tell already, being reassured through vague, offhand comments that everyone is steadily finding homes and being educated about surface life is, in fact, not reassuring at all. Where are they being housed? Are these houses actually safe? Is everyone living near each other or is the community of Octopia yet another thing that the New Squidbeak Splatoon has destroyed?
And what about the individuals, hm? Ollie is just a baby, so who is he staying with and is he being looked after properly? Are people like Opal and Oakleigh still able to do the things they love, now that you've taken them away from their jobs? For Cod's sake, Obi has a phobia of Inklings, how could the Squid Sisters possibly be dealing with that?!
And Felicia. I still don't believe that none of you know where she is. I will never stop asking about them. If I'm going to find out the location of anybody, it's them.
Oh, and because I know you're going to mention it at our next session anyway, no, I haven't spoken to Marie since we argued. It took me two whole days to pluck up the courage to ask about Felicia, because I just knew it would cause a scene, and look who was right… Anyway, if you want to blame anyone for that, blame her. She didn't have to get so defensive when I called her out for her obvious lies.
…Look, I know that I'm not helping. But every time she tries to say something to me, it just… comes out wrong, I think. I'm not trying to hear it any differently, or twist her words into something else - believe me, I know how much worse I made it for myself by doing that in the past - but it's hard not to talk back when I disagree so strongly with what she's saying.
I don't know, I just- I don't think I have the capacity for forgiveness right now. It's not like I want to argue with Marie, and I still regret everything that I did concerning her… back underground… but I can't erase any of the awkwardness or tension between us. I think I need time. And I'm sure you've told her that already, because I think it's so obvious that even Callie realises when she needs to step away, but Marie just can't help herself from trying to instantly fix things. Does she not see that I just want to be alone?
Y'know, I do hate the fact that I have nothing to do anymore, but some moments are… better than others. Usually when no-one else is in the room, and it's just me and my tentacle. I can let it twitch and move about freely then, because I don't have to think about freaking anyone out.
Yeah, I see the way people glance at my tentacle, still. Like they're unsure and afraid of what it could do. Maybe you don't do that, but I often wonder if anyone else will get used to it. Should I even expect them to, at this point?
Or should I just accept that they'll always look at me like this, like I'm…
Wait-
…I just realised I wrote an entry in this stupid diary. You tricked me into writing by annoying me. Oh my Cod… I can't believe you. This ends now.
Sorry, Four, but at least my idea worked! I'm happy that you let your emotions flow, even if that does give me a lot to unpick here….
We'll talk about everything tomorrow, but for now I just want to give you some advice - stop looking at everything through your own eyes for a bit. Does that make sense?
What I'm trying to say is that none of us see you as a burden, and the only reason you're telling yourself that is because you're stuck in your own head. Take a step back and use a fresh perspective for a bit. Soon you'll see that maybe what you think is the Captain doing the bare minimum is actually her caring for you in the only way she knows how, and that whatever Marie is doing or saying is always with the intention of making you feel better. You could always give her some points for trying…?
This is especially important for you due to your tentacle worsening your negative emotions. Doing this sort of thing is the first step towards controlling its influence. (Yes, I have taken note of your recommendation. We can start going in-depth on stuff concerning your tentacle tomorrow; I was just getting all my information in order these past few weeks so that I can help you properly.)
And just trust me, our people are being treated well. It's mostly Callie and Marie overseeing things, but of course I always make sure that they're actually making the right decisions. I can't tell you much, but know that they're safe, and always will be from this point on.
(Except… well, except for Felicia. Because we genuinely don't know where she is. It's not a lie. I don't think the truth will bring you much comfort, but it's got to be at least somewhat better than false hope.)
Well, that's all I have to say for now. I hope you actually enjoyed writing in this diary, as this won't be the last time you see it! Gya-ha!
Rest easy, Four.
-DJ Octavio