Chapter Text
Maybe you aren’t handling these new discoveries as maturely as you should. But you can’t find it in yourself to change that. You claim it’s because you have been busy. Which isn’t a lie, you have been busy!
You had to grade the papers for the end of the term. You had to deal with insurance to get your car fixed. One of your family members decided to visit town, so you had to let them stay at your apartment, and you had your hands full with that. And then you had to prepare for the new term! Busy, busy, busy.
Did you avoid Ryland during all this?
Uh
Maybe?
Listen, it's not like it was on purpose. At least you claim so.
Normally you two would talk before class. But now you arrived a few minutes before your class started, leaving no time to catch up. It's because you have to bike to school, it simply takes more time than your car. And once you got your car back, you just… Yeah no excuse for that one.
During lunch you two would usually either sit in the lounge together or in one of your classrooms. Now you would send him away when he passed your classroom, telling him you needed to focus on the last few grades. After that was finished, well, a lot of the students wanted to talk to you about those grades! And what better time to plan those than during your own lunch break? (said no one ever).
At the end of the day you two would catch up about your day. Now you had to go home earlier, throwing a quick ‘goodbye’ and ‘see you later’ over your shoulder as you rushed past him. You had stuff to do, it wasn’t personal! you had family over, and you had to be a good host. And after they had left you had to clean up their mess! Messy family, you know?
You were just busy. You were not avoiding your feelings.
No one was falling for that lie, not even you. Yes, you're avoiding him. You wish you could say it was because being near him made you anxious, or made you feel sick. But that wasn’t the case. Since you realised the feelings you had for him, being around him started to feel even better than before.
Your days would literally brighten when he was there. A giddy feeling would sneak up onto you and you would want to do nothing but talk to him, see how he's doing. You don’t like it. Being this attached to someone.
You're a positive person, but when it comes to romantic feelings, that positivity gets thrown out of the door. As a kid you used to attach to people like crazy, hang onto them like they could disappear into a blink of an eye. This got overwhelming to people. And because of that the thing you feared would always happen.
They would leave.
You worked this out in therapy, and you were sure you were better at it now. Turns out the opposite has just happened. Instead of hanging onto people, you just push them away so it's not really them leaving.
You know you should work on this, you realise what you're doing. You realise you're pushing away your best friend over some stupid fear. Even if Ryland were to find out your feelings, he wouldn’t throw you away. He's a kind man, you know this. But instead you keep this behaviour up for weeks. Even the other teachers (and some of the students) are starting to notice.
And of course, Ryland has noticed it.
Each term you tried to do at least one outing with your classes, this month you wanted to go to this rococo art installation. You had send this idea to the school board months in advance, and you had put Ryland down as chaperone. It was written in your planner with bright letters, a smiley face and a heart. When you look at it now, you wonder how it took you so long to realise that you like Ryland.
For every outing your class did, you made a big binder with plans. You liked to be prepared and organised! The binder had everything. Parents' phone numbers, allergies, kids that couldn't sit next to each other on the bus, a planned schedule with time stamps- anything you could think of.
Normally, you would hand the extra binder to Ryland a week before the outing even happened.
But, just like everything the past few weeks, you have been avoiding even looking at the binder for weeks. You know it's in your backpack, and every time you pass it you can practically hear it calling your name. Mocking you.
Tomorrow is the outing, you can't ignore it any longer. You have to bring it to Ryland now, or else he will come collect it himself. And that's worse.
You slowly shuffle your chair back to your desk where your bag is, not being bothered to stand up. Slowly but surely you take the binder out, it's an old white binder with a stupid science pun on it. You got it years ago, just for the outings you would have with Ryland. You remember how he had whole heartedly laughed at it, you never understood why he found it so funny. But you were happy regardless.
You stare at it for a little too long, before abruptly standing up. Feeling a sudden sense of bravery that you could not afford to lose. Time to go check if Ryland is still at work.
You walk towards Ryland's classroom, seeing that the lights are still on. You let out a breath of relief, before realising that this means you really have to hand it to him.
“Fuck it.” You mumble. You're a grown adult, you can hand your colleague a damn binder.
You knock on the door, waiting for him to call you in. However, even after a second knock, he doesn't respond.
Your brows furrow. You shouldn't barge in. Well, you used to do that. You used to never knock before entering Ryland's classroom. It was basically your second classroom… at some point.
You open the door slowly, peeking around the corner to see if he's inside. Secretly hoping that he isn't, and that you could just place the binder on his desk and run away.
However, your prayers aren't heard. Ryland is in his room, slouched over his desk. You stare for a moment before holding back a laugh. He had fallen asleep.
You could be a good colleague and wake him up. Let him know to go home, before he sleeps here until midnight. But, you could also… sneak in, softly place the binder on his desk, and sneak back out.
You could complete your mission without even having to interact.
You never claimed to be a selfless person.
You curse the fact you're wearing your loudest boots, trying to softly tip toe towards his desk. Avoiding the creaky floorboards you're aware of. He stirs a little when you stand next to him, and you freeze. When you're sure he's fully out of it, you slowly place the binder down on his desk.
You take a step back slowly, letting out a soft breath as he stays away. Mission accomplished. You take another step backwards, but you lose your footing, a loose beanbag making you fly to the ground.
You let out a yelp, and a groan when you land on the ground. “Fuck-”
“Oh my-” Ryland is up and kneeling down next to you within seconds. His eyes wide despite the fact he was just fully asleep. He reaches out, wanting to help you up, but pulls back.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
“Damn beanbag took me out, knew it was going to happen some day.” You mumble, pushing yourself back up to stand, rubbing your ass as you wince.
He reaches out again. But you hold your hand up, signaling him to stop. “ ‘m fine.”
The room falls silent as you both just stand there, your gaze never meeting his. But you can tell his mixed expression without having to, he fiddles with his hands.
He clears his throat “Came to deliver the binder? I was wondering if we were even still going.”
“Ah, yeah, sorry” you stuff your hands in your pocket, rocking onto the back of your feet. Trying to act like you don't want to jump out of the window and run. “It kind of slipped from my mind… been busy.”
“I,” he picks up the binder, clicking his tongue. “ noticed.”
You don't know how to respond to that. His tone feels accusatory, but you can't blame him for that.
"It's pretty much the same as usual.” You say instead. “Um, phone numbers, allergies, that stuff. I made a bus sitting plan because they were acting up, so we might get some shit for that tomorrow. We will start with a tour around the museum, I was able to get someone. So that's, uh, great.”
He hums, letting you know he's listening to some capacity.
“After that the class will split up into two groups, one will do bingo in the garden and the other will get to see a short movie about Jean-Honoré Fragonard in the theater and then will have to answer some short questions. And then they switch. The papers to hand out for both are at the back.”
He looks at the papers, but doesn't say anything, slowly tracing the letters.
A silence falls over you two again. Desperate to fill it, you speak up. Your voice cracking. “Any uh, questions?”
“How late do we leave?” He says, still not looking up.
“Oh yeah, sorry. 8:30 till 8:45 the kids are expected to arrive, and then the bus will leave at 9. So if you could be here around-”
“8:15? Yeah, I know.” He says, cutting you off. He closes the binder, and finally looks back at you. He tries to smile at you, but it looks and feels off. It is the type of smile he would give after having to deal with annoying parents all day. Not after having to… talk to you for less than 5 minutes. You shuffle your feet, trying to ignore how your heart aches for you to say something to make it better.
Anything.
But nothing comes.
“It's late, you should go home.” You say, smiling back at him. It feels more like a grimace.
“You too.”
“Yeah, just gotta finish a few more things…”
He hums. “Yeah, like always.”
You laugh awkwardly, mentally kicking yourself. “Yeah, um, goodnight? See you tomorrow." You take a step back, almost tripping again. “Bye”
When you round the corner of the door you hear a soft goodbye from him.
The moment you're back in your classroom, you collapse against the closed door. Sitting on the ground with your head in your arms.
“I have to fix this.” You mumble. A voice in the back of your mind tells you that this is what you wanted. You did this.
But your mind keeps going back to the drained smile from a few minutes ago. How cold it made you feel. How it made you want to collapse and apologize, beg for forgiveness.
Anything to go back to the smiles he used to give you.
the ones that were bright despite the long day he had.
The ones that would let you know he was there for you when you started to worry too much.
The ones where he was trying to hold back a stupidly funny comment.
The insanely soft ones he would give you when your eyes met during the day, knowing he was unable to talk to you for another few hours.
You had to fix this.