Chapter Text
The next month or so (Tyler wasn’t exactly counting the days), things had started to get worse. At least, they’d been getting worse for Tyler. No. Tyler had been getting worse. The initial shock had well and truly worn off, and he was left with the same old depression he’d been dealing with for years. It should be something he knew how to deal with by now. But still, Tyler was being swallowed by it.
Every day, Josh woke up with a weary smile, and he pulled things together.
On what he’d informed Tyler was Halloween, he’d stolen makeup products from some chemist and drawn skeletons on their faces. Tyler had laughed for the first time in a week as Josh held his face still, and again when he’d tried to wash it off in a cold river. Josh had that power over him. Halloween had been good. He’d taken a few pictures on Josh’s old camera, and they now lived in his song journal. Sometimes, all it took was looking over their apocalyptic memories to bring a smile to Tyler’s face.
But Tyler did struggle with the fact that most days blended together. He could hardly tell yesterday from last week, when things were ‘good’ like this. When things were at least peaceful, and quiet. Everything blurred together into a mass of time in which nothing really mattered.
So maybe it shouldn’t have been so surprising that when presented with the opportunity, Tyler was reckless with his own safety.
They’d been travelling a while, with few breaks. Tyler wanted to keep going, Josh forced him to stop. Something about pushing his body too far. Tyler didn’t buy it. He had one goal, and one goal only. Find somewhere they could live safely, with other people who shared their values. He needed to keep moving. But Josh insisted on taking a break.
They slipped inside a convenience store, and started to sift through the shelves. They’d developed a good system, working together easily and efficiently. Tyler looked around, jaw clenched as he rifled through shelves. Nothing.
Josh gasped in delight, audible from where Tyler stood a few aisles away. He wandered over to his best friend, trying to figure out what he’d found that was so exciting.
“Find something?”
“Nothing useful.” He shook his head. “But…more film. For the camera. It could be fun. God knows we need a little fun.”
“You always manage to find the light in the darkness, don’t you?” Tyler murmured.
Josh smiled wide, an almost-imitation of how he used to smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was still nice to see. He was so beautiful, especially when he smiled; Tyler could never avoid thinking that. It was a fact of life. Josh tossed the film into his backpack.
“Someone has to. Can’t have you being all serious and depressed all the time.”
It was an easy enough answer, but something was still gnawing at Tyler’s chest. Things never really felt right these days. Even though he knew much of Josh’s happy demeanour was exaggerated and forced, even having the ability to fake it was something Tyler didn’t possess anymore.
“How are you so happy all the time? I mean, don’t you see how hopeless it is? It’d be so easy to just give up," Tyler mumbled honestly. "And we wouldn’t have to go through all this pain.”
“Maybe. But honestly? It’s the same as before all this. Hear me out. Even before the world basically ended, you were hopeless. And I won’t pretend I was completely happy either, but I always tried to see the light. It’s the same here.” He stood in thought for a moment. “And sure, we could give up. But if I’ve learned anything these past few months, it’s that even in the apocalypse, there are beautiful things. Things worth being alive for. Maybe sometimes we just need a little help to see them.”
“You’re the beautiful thing,” Tyler muttered, going back to his search.
He didn’t look back to see Josh’s reaction. It had been a month since Josh confessed his feelings, and a month since Tyler had confessed his. They hadn’t kissed again, but they didn’t really have to. Tyler still grappled with the mess of feelings associated with it, and as much time had passed, he still didn’t feel ready.
Maybe he’d never be ready. But until he was, he still had Josh. Even if he never found the courage, Josh would still be here with him. Maybe that was enough.
“There’s an upstairs, I think. I’m gonna go check it,” Tyler muttered. “Back in five.”
“Wait, Ty,” Josh called out. Tyler didn’t turn around.
He wandered up the creaky stairs in the corner, noticing how the floor was now wooden. Looking around, he assumed this is where the owner may have lived, or rented out. There was a small bed in the corner, and a chest of drawers below a window.
Maybe he was stupid not to test before he walked. Or maybe he was completely justified in believing the floor could hold him. Either way, he heard strange noises that he promptly ignored as he walked into the room.
“Tyler?” Josh called softly, appearing in the doorway behind him.
He turned to look, and stepped backwards casually.
The wood creaked under his feet. There was a sinking feeling in his chest, and Tyler realised far too late what was about to happen. The floor beneath him suddenly disappeared, and Tyler was falling. He yelped in surprise, hearing Josh scream his name.
Fortunately or not, he only had a second to panic before his head connected with solid ground, and everything went black.
|-/
Tyler’s ears were ringing. He couldn’t hear anything else. The ground under him was rough, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Fortunately, someone was doing it for him. They’d even started talking to him. Tyler tried his best to open his eyes, bright light burning into his brain. He blinked at the person beside him.
“What?” He tried to say, not even sure if the words came out. The ringing in his ears was starting to fade.
“I said, can you hear me?” Tyler nodded, then regretted the movement. “Good. I need you to stay awake for me, okay? I’m gonna get you out of here.”
Tyler tried to nod again, dizziness blurring his vision. Something warm and sticky was dripping down his face. His shaky hands tried to wipe it away. Was Tyler bleeding? Why was he bleeding? He couldn't quite remember where he was, and that scared him. Everything felt strange.
“No, hey, you’re bleeding pretty bad, don’t touch it. I’ll patch you up when we get somewhere safe.” His hands were batted away. “Standing up now.”
Then he was being lifted to his feet, grateful for the arms around him as his vision blacked out for a moment. Tyler thought that maybe all the air had been stolen from his lungs. He tried to breathe, blinking slowly. Tyler was seeing double. He stared down at the ground, at the way pieces of rubble faded into each other. Even the figure holding him up was blurred, splitting into two as he watched. Weird.
“I’ve got you,” the words sounded like Tyler was underwater. “But we need to move.”
“Jish? That you?” he mumbled. The words felt strange in his mouth.
“Yeah, Ty. It’s me. We have to go, okay? Gonna go somewhere safe.”
“Okay. Sorry ‘m such a burden.”
Tyler wasn’t sure why he said that, just that it was the first thing that came to his mind. He felt useless, being held upright by Josh. Why couldn’t he just walk by himself? Why had he been so careless, running around without being aware of his surroundings? Stupid.
“You’re not, Tyler, don’t say that.” Josh held him tightly, taking slow steps forward. “You’re never a burden to me.”
“Okay,” he agreed easily. “Love you.”
“I…yeah, I love you too, Ty.”
“Really love you,” Tyler kept rambling. “In case I die…I need to tell you I love you.”
He needed Josh to know that. He’d made a mistake, not saying it back when Josh had confessed. If anything happened, Tyler needed his best friend to know how he felt. That was hidden in the deepest, most guarded part of his heart. If he was speaking it so clearly, something was definitely wrong with him.
“Tyler, you’re not going to die. But…I love you too,” Josh said slowly.
“Awesome…” Tyler replied under his breath. It was taking all his concentration to walk with Josh.
They made it out of the room that Tyler had ended up in, stumbling up stairs and through hallways. Tyler wasn’t quite sure where they were, but he didn’t have the presence of mind to ask Josh about it. He assumed the man probably knew what he was doing. Even if he didn’t, Tyler knew he wouldn’t be any help.
All he knew was that he trusted Josh. Trusted him to find somewhere safe, where they could stop. Anywhere with Josh felt safe.
Tyler wasn’t sure how long they’d been walking for, only that his body was far too weak for this. Even after Josh had taken his backpack and shifted to carry most of his weight, Tyler was still struggling to stand up. Every step sent his mind further underwater, everything becoming more and more muffled. Eventually, they started slowing down. Thank God.
“Here’s good,” Josh was mumbling. “You can rest now, Ty.”
Then he was being lowered to the ground. Tyler finally stopped fighting it, letting his eyes slip closed.
|-/
Tyler returned to his body slowly, everything feeling slightly muffled. He shifted, a little too fast. Stars danced across the backs of his eyelids. Not safe, was all he could think. He needed to get somewhere safe, and protect Josh. Josh, where was Josh? Was he here, was he safe? Tyler's head hurt just from thinking all these things.
“We…we need to move…” he mumbled weakly, eyes still closed.
“No. Absolutely not.” That sounded like Josh. “You need to rest. I sealed off the area, and for the next three days at least, you are not going to do anything.”
“Ridiculous.”
Slowly, Tyler registered that he was lying on Josh’s hoodie, bundled up beneath him like a pillow. He continued to fight, managing to open his eyes, and saw Josh sitting cross-legged beside him. The man seemed nervous, but Tyler couldn't quite figure out how to help. Just breathing right now was hard enough.
“Nope. I need you to be healthy, okay? And right now, you’d only get yourself hurt if you tried to keep moving.”
“I’m not…” he tried to protest, knowing Josh was right.
“Plus, you cut your face pretty badly. You’re lucky you don’t need stitches, Tyler. You need rest.”
“As if you could do stitches anyway,” he whispered under his breath. “Don’t feel good.”
Josh leaned over him, gentle fingers brushing across his face. It was comforting, and Tyler had been so scared. He hardly knew what had happened, only that Josh was here, looking after him. It seemed like it was always that way, no matter how hard Tyler tried to protect him. Josh was always the one who knew what to do and how to help. He always had been.
“The bleeding’s stopped, so we should be okay,” he started nervously. “I don’t know much about…I don’t know what to do. If anything’s happened to your brain…I don’t know. But you need rest. If anything can help, it’s rest.”
“Okay,” Tyler mumbled. “I trust you.”
His best friend had started brushing through his hair slowly, easing the ache in his skull. Tyler didn’t really want to move. He didn’t even really want to say anything, but he felt like he had to. What if Josh left otherwise? Maybe it was stupid, but what if Josh decided he wanted to just leave? Tyler really didn't want him to go.
“Can you stay?” he managed.
“‘Course, Ty, where else would I go? I’ll stay with you forever.”
Forever. Forever sounded nice. Tyler was in no state to fight the wording, or claim it to be impossible. He accepted forever, and let the word float around in his skull. Forever had never felt particularly real to him, but forever with Josh? That was something he could accept.
“Okay,” he closed his eyes. “Jish? Can you sing me to sleep?”
“Oh, I…I don’t sing…”
“Please,” Tyler begged.
“Alright. Just…don’t laugh at me, okay?”
Josh cleared his throat nervously. Did he not know that Tyler would never laugh at him for something like this? Not for something so genuine. Never. Not when he knew Josh's anxieties, and how hard this was for him. Tyler would never laugh.
“And when I see you, I really see you upside down,” he started softly, clearly self-conscious. “But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around…”
It was a song by Death Cab for Cutie, one of Josh’s all-time favourite bands. It made sense why his brain had gone there. This song...Tyler probably shouldn’t try to read into it, but it seemed like a good fit for them right now.
“If you feel discouraged, like there’s a lack of colour here…” he held out the note, slowly gaining confidence. “Please don’t worry lover…”
He faltered at that line, and Tyler figured he knew why. He hated himself for it, but he still couldn’t interrupt and say anything about it. Tyler tried to ignore it, and think about something else. He focused on his best friend’s voice instead.
“This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years.”
Josh’s voice was beautiful. It was a little rough around the edges, and deeper than Tyler’s when he sang. He’d always dreamed of singing with Josh on an album. It would have taken some convincing, but Tyler was sure he’d be able to make it happen. Now those hopes had vanished.
He could settle for listening to Josh’s voice as he drifted off to sleep.
|-/
Tyler woke up the next morning with a killer headache, and a sense of disorientation that nothing could help. He turned his head, eyes closed, trying to figure out what was happening. He was laying on his back, Josh’s hoodie cushioning his head.
“J’sh?” He mumbled, eyes still not open.
“I’m here,” his best friend’s voice assured him. “Just relax, okay?”
“My head hurts,” Tyler complained.
Josh laughed softly, touching his forehead with restrained caution. It was like being touched by the sun. That didn't really make a lot of sense, even in his head. What he meant was that it was nice. Tyler opened his eyes then, settling his gaze on his beautiful best friend. It was good to see him.
“I’m not surprised. Here, if you can sit up, have some water.”
“I can sit, I’m not useless,” Tyler muttered. Still, he took Josh’s hand, grateful for the help.
“Never said you were,” Josh said easily. “Here, drink slowly.”
Tyler ignored that direction, gulping down water until he almost choked. He handed the bottle back to Josh gratefully, eyes darting around. The disorientation was fading, and Tyler wasn’t so afraid of his surroundings as he had been.
“So, how are you feeling?” His best friend’s voice was a little shaky. Why?
“Like I fell through the floor,” he muttered. “Fine. Just a headache.”
“Good. I was worried, you know,” Josh mumbled. “Really scared me. I don’t know what I’d do…if anything happened to you. I don’t wanna be alone here.”
Suddenly, Tyler felt bad. He’d been careless with his own safety, but it hadn’t just impacted him. Josh had probably been worried out of his mind, because of Tyler’s disregard for himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Even after all these years of friendship, Tyler was never good at recognising how he impacted someone he cared so much about.
“I’m sorry, Josh. I’m fine, really,” he tried.
“I know. Still, I’m gonna keep a close eye on you.” Josh sat beside him quietly for a moment. “Apart from the headache, how do you feel?”
Tyler tried to figure it out. All his thoughts were jumbled together, and a little hard to follow anywhere. What he could feel was something stuck across the bridge of his nose. He hadn’t registered it at the time, but that was probably where his head had hit the collapsing floor.
“My face hurts? I don’t know…”
“Well yeah, you’re gonna have one sick scar, Ty,” Josh chuckled, lightly brushing over the bandage across the bridge of his nose. “Don’t quite know how you managed to do that, but you’re lucky you didn’t get your eyes.”
“Not sure if lucky is the word,” he muttered, bringing his hand up to his face. “Ouch.”
“Don’t touch, I did such a good job patching you up.”
Josh took his hand, intertwining their fingers and moving his hand away from his face. Tyler was so shocked by the tenderness of the gesture that he didn’t fight it at all, letting his hand be moved like a doll. He shouldn't be surprised, really, not after everything Josh had done for him.
“Had to use my bandana around your leg, though. We don’t really have a lot of bandages left.”
“Oh. I didn’t even realise,” Tyler mumbled.
Tyler looked down, noticing the yellow bandana, significantly stained with blood from all the times they’d had to use it as a makeshift bandage, tied neatly. His leg ached, but nowhere near as badly as his head.
“Yeah, you were pretty out of it. But I’ve got you, all fixed up.” Josh said it like it was nothing.
“Thanks.” Tyler’s gaze flicked over his best friend, noticing what he thought was a new bloodstain on his shirt sleeve. “Did you get hurt?”
“Oh, just a little,” Josh waved him off. “Scratch. You got most of it.”
“I-I didn’t even notice you were hurt,” Tyler mumbled, ashamed.
“It’s okay, Ty. You literally knocked yourself out, I didn’t expect you to be taking care of me,” Josh laughed. “Really, I’m okay.”
Tyler still didn’t buy the reassurance at all. He felt sick. He was a terrible friend, constantly putting Josh in these situations where he had to look after Tyler because of his carelessness. Josh had gotten hurt because of him. Because he'd needed someone to come rescue him. Tyler hated himself for it.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, seriously. You’ve done enough, man. You’ve looked after me plenty, it’s okay for me to do it this time. Just relax.” Josh spoke easily, but Tyler still didn’t feel well.
“Still…I’m sorry,” he whispered sadly.
“Tyler, hey. It’s alright, I promise.” Josh shuffled over to him, so they were sitting side by side. “I swear, I’m okay.”
Tyler didn’t respond to that, just leaning over and dropping his head to Josh’s shoulder. He liked it here, hiding in the space between Josh’s neck and shoulder. It was safe. Home. Nothing could happen to him, but more importantly, nothing could happen to Josh. Not if he was here, in Tyler's hold.
“So how long until we can keep moving?” Tyler asked tentatively.
“Give it another full day. Tomorrow morning, if you’re feeling fine.”
“I feel fine now.”
“Don’t believe you,” Josh said good-naturedly. “But if you’re alright by yourself, I think I should take a look around some of the other shops in this area. Maybe I can find some more painkillers or something for you.”
“No.” Tyler was nothing if not stubborn.
“Why not?” The man sounded surprised.
“That’s dangerous, you can’t, Josh, you can’t go by yourself-”
“Calm down, Tyler, please, calm down.” Josh squeezed his hand. “You’re always insisting on going off by yourself. And you know I’m capable.”
Josh was capable. It wasn’t that. It was more that Tyler couldn’t bear to let the man put himself in danger. Not when it was all Tyler’s fault anyway. Even if it seemed harmless, and safe, Josh would be putting himself in danger being out there alone.
“You’re not going. You can go when I’m with you. Not alone.”
“Protective of me, aren’t you Ty?” Josh laughed.
“Yeah. I am,” he admitted, voice firm. “You’re staying here.”
“Alright then,” Josh chuckled. “I’ll stay. You’d miss me too much, huh?”
“Something like that.”
Tyler could be possessive, he knew that. But this? This was valid. Josh would be in danger by himself, and Tyler absolutely could not risk that. No, absolutely not. He’d die before he let Josh get hurt trying to help him.
"You're staying right here. You promised you'd stay with me. Forever."