Archive of Our Own

Anxiety was all about feeling. Panic was white hot and paralyzingly sometimes. Tears were wet and salty and felt like a hose in summertime: knotted and building up until his mom untangled it and the water came crashing in a burst that muddied the potting soil and drowned the more delicate flowers. 

The alcohol dulled feelings and at the same time excited them. Everything felt louder and more blurred together like a cityscape through a rainy window. Feelings slipped from his grasp in the brightness and yet everything felt more. 

Connor Murphy was wearing eyeliner. He could see it from across the room. The eyeliner brought out the weird colors of his eyes. Maybe Jared was right and he did have a thing for Murphys because Zoe looked radiant too. She'd curled her hair and was smiling brightly at Alana whose arm was hooked in hers. 

When he looked at Connor Murphy he couldn't help but feel all over the place. The closer he came the more Evan felt. 

"Hey Ev," he said. His voice was kind of hoarse and he looked like a dream. 

Evan was going to kiss him tonight. 

The next morning Evan woke up with a headache and drool on his face. The night came back in pieces: Connor's hair brushing against his face, the giddy high feeling just after they kissed, Jared's persistent teasing and Evan's ridiculous laughter all night afterward. Apparently he laughed a lot when he was drunk. He laughed a lot and he talked too loudly. 

It was nearly 11 and he wanted to see Connor. 

"Hey, are you alright?" Jared asked when he stumbled into the kitchen. The lights were too bright. Jared looked pretty haggard himself. 

"I'm fine. Just hungover. Good party Jared."

"Thanks Ev, have you talked to Murphy yet?" He grinned. Jared was starting to warm up to Connor Murphy. 

"Not yet...I was gonna go over to his house."

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

"Eager much?"

"Um...yeah. I want to make sure everything that h-happened when I was drunk is okay n-now that I'm sober."

Jared's expression softened. "He really likes you Ev. Those are like totally pining eyes. Trust me."

"Thanks...I um, it's probably a bad idea but..."

"No, it's okay. You should go. Tell the Murphys I said hi."

Evan didn't bother changing out of his pajamas. He tucked his plaid pajama pants into his snow boots and put on his coat. Connor's house wasn't far. 

A slightly disheveled Connor Murphy answered the door. His hair was a mess and his eyes looked tired but he looked happy to see him. "Hey Hansen. What's up?"

"I..." This was stupid. His face burned as he realized the full extent of his actions. He'd shown up the next morning at the house of a boy he'd drunkenly kissed expecting...what? "I don't know really I just wanted to see you I guess."

"Well I'm glad you're here. Do you want to come in?"

Evan tugged at the edge of his coat. "I think we should talk about last night," he said so quickly it came out more like: Ithinkweshouldtalkaboutlastnight. 

Connor's face fell. "Oh, okay we can.."

"I mean because I really liked last night and I want to make sure everything was okay."

"Hansen if you regret it we can just..." Connor snapped the rubber band on his wrist. 

"No! No, that's not what I mean I've just never kissed anyone before and I worried that maybe I did it wrong. I kind of wanted to do it sober you know?"

Connor's eyes widened. The cold wind was chilling his legs through the pajama pants. "I was your first kiss?"

Evan looked down to avoid meeting his eyes. "I'm not l-like you. I don't have boys f-fawning all over me."

"I don't have boys fawning over me Ev. That was my first kiss too."

Evan's head shot up so quickly he thought his neck might've cracked. "It was? I'm so s-sorry! I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine Hansen." He reached forward and grabbed both of Evan's hands. His hands were warm. "I'm glad it was you."

"It didn't suck?" He asked. He hadn't thought about it when it was happening but he thought about it now. Evan was very good at overthinking. It had been good if he was remembering things correctly but there was a definite chance that he wasn't. 

"It was great Hansen. You're a great kisser."

"You mean drunk me."

"No I mean you. Kiss me again. I'll prove it."

"I c-can't." He blushed. "I can't just k-kiss you."

"Why not? You did last night."

"I was drunk. I'm not that daring when I'm sober."

"Daring?" Connor let out a breathy laugh. "What are you scared of me?"

"No! It's not...a little. Like scared in the nervous excited way."

Connor was grinning. His breath was visible in the cold air. "Kiss me Ev," he repeated. "Kiss me and then come in and have some of Zoe's chocolate chip pancakes."

"Promise you won't laugh if it's bad?"

"I won't laugh. And it won't be bad."

"You're going go have to lean down a little."

"Alright."

It was nicer this time. The feeling was less tilting and heart pounding-ly in his throat. It was gentler and more calming. Connor's hand on his waist anchored him. 

"It was good," Connor said when they broke apart. "Very good." It might have been his imagination but Connor looked a little pink. 

"I can have pancakes then?"

"Yeah, come in before you freeze your ass off."

He could smell the pancakes before he could see Zoe making them. He was suddenly aware of how hungry he was and how badly his head still ached. 

"I know you don't drink coffee but you look like you could really use a cup," Connor said, pouring him a mug and gesturing to a seat at the kitchen table. The more time he spent in the Murphy house the more he liked it. The table was cluttered with paperback novels and sheet music that Connor pushed aside to make room for the plates. The big windows let in the sun that gleamed brilliantly when reflected off the snow outside. Zoe had on the radio and a gentle voice announced the songs in between car dealership jingles. The Murphy house had the comfortable air of a place that was just waking up. Movements were slow and sleepy and Connor poured out the last of a jug of orange juice before opening a new bottle. 

Zoe, dressed in a big sweatshirt with rips at the sleeves, smiled at him as she served up a couple of pancakes with a spatula. "Happy New Year Evan Hansen. Careful, those might be a little hot."

"Thanks Zoe," he replied. Connor was trying to manage his mess of hair. It was tangled around his face and stuck out in the back. He gave up after a moment and pulled the mess into a ponytail. 

"Eat your pancakes Ev, they're world famous." Connor had a smile that made his shoulders relax and chest warm up from the inside. With a smile like that he was surprised he had been his first kiss and not some other boy, some beautiful, confident boy years ago who was better than him. 

Evan sat across the table from the Murphy siblings and ate pancakes and drank coffee while they talked and laughed and ate their pancakes too. 

"So," Zoe said at last, voice drawn out. Her foot was up on a chair and her brother was painting her toenails. "Are you two like a thing now or...?"

"Yes," Connor said. He smiled that smile at him again. "I mean...we are aren't we? You want to date right Evan?"

"Why would you say yes before you asked him doofus?"

"Yes, I want to date if you want to date."

"I want to date."

"You dorks are hopeless."

"Hey Ev do you wanna make out in my room?"

"S-sure."

"Hopeless!" Zoe repeated, getting up to clear the plates. "Make good choices Evan!"

Kissing Connor was all feeling. It was breathlessness and joy and Connor's hands on his skin. "You're really pretty," Evan blurted out. He tended to word vomit when he was nervous, that is if he wasn't stuttering. "Why do you want to...I mean I'm not like you. I'm not..."

"You're pretty too," he said. His eyes were big and shiny and full of something Evan felt in his jaw and chest and fingertips. He loved the way Connor looked at him. 

"So how do we do this whole boyfriend thing?" Connor asked after they got tired of kissing (not that Evan would ever get tired of kissing him.)

"Um...I guess we k-keep going like usual but with more of that? And maybe we go out to dinner just the two of us?"

"Yeah, okay. I can do that. That doesn't seem as hard as..." Connor's jaw clenched. "I'm just good at fucking important things up you know? And this is important."

"You're not going to fuck anything up. I trust you." 

"That makes one of us." He snapped the rubber band at his wrist again. It was a habit that made Evan nervous because he knew it meant Connor was nervous. 

Evan kissed him. "Well you should have more faith in yourself."

"Like you're one to talk," he muttered. "And anyway you don't know about all of my past fuck ups. I'll find a way believe you me."

"Shut up, that's my boyfriend you're talking about."

The look on his face was priceless. He wondered if Connor got freckles in the summer. If he did Evan might just die. 

"Say it again."

Evan laughed. "My boyfriend Connor Murphy. My cute, sweet, smart, and capable boyfriend Connor...what's your middle name?"

"Lionel."

"Connor Lionel Murphy."

"You're dumb," he said, but he was smiling. 

"Yeah, and you need to brush your hair."

***

School started up again. Evan's classes got hard like they always did but this time he had Connor to study with and talk him through how to approach his professors about his anxiety. 

And he helped Connor edit his piece for his personal essay writing class and made him soup when he got the flu. 

They had movie nights every Thursday and most Fridays Evan had to wear a scarf or turtleneck to cover up the hickeys on his neck. They'd been dating for nearly three months and Connor Murphy had yet to fuck up. In fact he was doing excellently. 

He gave him a lot of free hot chocolate. "Hey Hansen, you sure you don't want whipped cream? Or some mini marshmallows?"

"I'm good Con. What's up?" He looked up at him in his hoodie and work apron. He didn't look as tired as he used to and his complexion was less pale and cheeks less sunken. 

Connor sat down. "Okay, so this was going to be a surprise but I know surprises make you anxious so I changed my mind."

"What are you talking about?"

He leaned in close. "You know how you said you never went to prom?"

"Yeah." He got a weird lonely feeling in the pit of his stomach. Prom made him think about high school which made him think about that day in the tree. 

"And I said I didn't either remember?" He added quickly and Evan felt guilty for the way his expression had clouded. 

"Yeah?"

"Well, I talked to Alana. Her parents own the shop I don't know if you knew that. Anyway, they're going to let us use the shop after hours to have our own prom. Zo and Alana wanna come and you can ask Jared and his nerd friends and Zoe's gonna get some music school kids to play a set and...get stop me if you hate this idea okay? Because you're allowed to hate it. I won't be mad or any..."

"You planned this all for m-me?" He croaked. If Connor Murphy got any sweeter Evan might turn into one of those people who posted about their significant other on social media ten times a day. He'd already tweeted a picture of Connor and a particularly cute latte design this morning. 

"Yeah Ev, do you like it?"

"Of course I do." It wasn't that he never wanted to go to prom. If he could have gone with Connor Murphy back in high school he would've in a heartbeat. "When is it?"

"Next weekend. I think that's enough time to get outfits and corsages and everything? I don't want you to worry about anything. I'm running this show."

"Thank you."

Connor cocked his head to one side. "Why are you thanking me? I'm just as pumped for prom as you are. And anyway you're my boyfriend, I'm supposed to do these sort of big, dorky things for you."

"Well thank you anyway."

"You're very welcome." He kissed him. "Okay, I've gotta get back to work now but I'll talk to you later Hansen."

Back at home Evan threw himself on his bed and sighed in dramatic exasperation. 

"Evan can I help you with something?" Jared asked, voice laced with sarcasm. 

"What should I wear to Connor prom?" He groaned. "I have absolutely nothing that looks decent on me. I look like shit in everything Jared why is he still with me?" 

"Whoa whoa whoa slow down there Hansen you're way hotter than Murphy and I'm not calling it Connor prom."

"I am not and you're not helping."

Jared went over to his closet and started rifling through it. "You know I don't hate him anymore right? I was wrong before. He's a good guy."

"Thanks, I know."

Jared flopped down beside him. "You've got that blue jacket and I've got some nice ties. Oh, or a bow tie that'd be nice."

"You're coming right? To prom?"

"Yeah..." Jared hesitated. "Actually there's this guy..."

"Yeah?" Evan's mouth quirked up.

"He's a junior, a TA for my advanced coding class..." Evan looked over to see the blush spreading over his roommate's face. "He's cute so I kept asking for his help with assignments and stuff even though I'm bomb at coding and I guess he caught on because last week he asked for my number."

"Ask him! Oh my god Jared what's his name?"

"Asher," he muttered. "I'm not sure he even really likes me. He's probably just being nice."

"Whoa whoa whoa are you or aren't you the insanely cool Jared Kleinman?"

Jared laughed. "Sure, whatever. I'll ask him."

They were quiet for a long moment. Evan tried to figure out whether or not the blue jacket was awful. 

"Hey are you and Murphy like...good? Like are you happy Ev?"

"I'm really happy."

"I'm glad. I want to be happy," he muttered. 

"Hey can I give you a hug?"

"Sure, nerd. Sure."

***

Zoe Murphy was an actual angel. She looked like an angel in her lavender dress that matched the tie Alana was going to wear. She sounded like an angel when she told him Connor prom wouldn't have a huge crowd and that Connor had been planning everything for weeks. 

"He thought it was a stupid idea but I convinced him it wasn't so you should really be thanking me," she said smugly. "Now what is this outfit crisis?"

Evan chewed on his lip and showed her the dark blue jacket with matching dress pants  and light blue button up. He'd borrowed a bow tie from Jared. 

"You're going to be so cute. You two are going to be the cutest couple there oh my god."

Evan laughed. "You're exaggerating and in any case you and Alana will be the cutest couple."

"You haven't seen what he's wearing Ev. You wanna do the face masks now?" Zoe Murphy was a literal angel. 

"S-sure," he replied. 

"Dude you have the nicest skin."

"Thanks," he mumbled. The face mask was green and smelled like mint and pine. When he closed his eyes he could pretend he was a leaf, which was comforting. 

"Hey I wanted to say thanks." He opened his eyes. 

"For what?" The mask was starting to crack on Zoe's forehead. Her hair was up in a magnificently floofy bun. The Murphy siblings were definitely cut from the same cloth. 

"For being so good to him and with him and for being patient and all. I know you'll say it's not work because you care about him but I do too and I know his bad days are hard and you've got stuff of your own to deal with so just thank you. Thank you for being here with me."

"You're welcome Zoe. Um...h-hey, we're friends r-right?" It was a stupid thing to ask. People who were confident and social and put together didn't need to ask the people they considered friends if they were really friends. They just knew. 

"Of course Evan! Of course we're friends. Here, hug me, just watch your face."

Zoe Murphy hugged like he thought an angel would. 

She was right, about Connor at least. He was going to be the prettiest person at his own prom. He showed up at Evan's front door in a velvet suit jacket that looked like it cost more than Evan's entire wardrobe. His nails were freshly painted and for once he didn't have a slew of rubber bands on his wrists. 

"How do I look?" He asked cheekily and Evan found that the ability to form coherent sentences had escaped him. 

"G-good. You l-look really g-good honey." 

Connor grinned. "Honey?"

"S-sorry it just slipped out."

"I brought you a corsage." He held out the cluster of blue flowers: blue bells, mourning glories, hyacinth. It was beautiful. 

"I can't believe you're doing this all for me," he whispered. 

"Well you better believe it Hansen because we're gonna be late for prom."

He offered his arm and Evan linked his arm in Connor's. They stared at each other for a moment before Jared came out on the patio. "You two are such gay dorks," he groaned. 

"You look nice," Evan said, because he did. Frankly, Evan couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Jared in anything but a tee shirt and khakis or pajamas. He cleaned up nicely. 

"Thanks," Jared muttered.

"Is Asher coming?" Connor's eyebrow quirked up. 

"He said he'd meet me there but he might just ditch me."

Connor frowned. "Why would he do that Kleinman?"

"I'm not some weird emo hunk like you Murphy," Jared grumbled. 

"Kleinman if he said yes then clearly he likes you."

"That's what I said," Evan grinned. 

"Now let's go and have fun at Evan's prom," Connor said. 

"You know he's been calling it Connor prom?" Jared said. Evan swatted him. 

The coffee shop looked fantastic. There were lights and streamers hung from the ceiling, a band in one corner, punch and pastries, and the tables were pushed aside so there was room for dancing. The music school kids and some of Alana and Jared's friends were already there. Zoe waved when they came in. She and Alana were dancing energetically.  

"Jared!" A tall guy with a mess of dark curly hair and a braces laden smile came up to them and handed Jared a corsage. "You look great. I brought you this. Is it too much?"

Evan and Connor looked at Jared in unison. He was bright red. 

"No it isn't," Connor answered for him. "You must be Asher. I'm Connor, the roommate's boyfriend. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you," he replied. He was very clearly just as much a nerd as Jared was. "So you're Evan! It's a pleasure." He shook Evan's hand and Evan saw he was wearing a calculator watch. 

"Nice to meet you too Asher," he said, nudging Jared who was still frozen. 

"You wanna get some punch?" Jared blurted and Asher nodded. 

"I never thought I'd meet someone nerdier than Kleinman. The dork has braces."

"Shut up, I had braces," Evan muttered. "He seems nice."

"Let's dance," Connor said. "Now that your such a good dancer." He winked at him. 

Dancing with Connor Murphy was all feeling too. The lights caught in his long lashes and Evan was thankful for their height difference because it made it easier to lean his head on his chest when he got tired. There were lots of slow songs and even during the upbeat numbers they stayed close together, feet moving in rhythm and smiles equally luminous.

"Happy prom Ev. I'm glad we got to go."

He looked up at him and thought about the first time he'd given him hot chocolate and smiled and told him he was the best customer of the day. 

"I love you."

"What?" Connor's eyes widened. "What was that Ev?"

"I l-love you Connor," he repeated. Why did he repeat it? Connor was looking at him like he had two heads. 

"Do you wanna go outside for a sec?" Connor's voice cracked and he fingered his wrist as Evan nodded and they made for the door. 

"Sorry," Evan said when they were outside. "I didn't mean to freak you out I just felt it so I said it. You don't need to say anything."

"Don't be sorry Hansen." He ran a hand through his hair. "I love you too you just surprised me and I thought maybe everything tonight would be too much for you and I was worried you were uncomfortable and I don't want this to be weird or anything but I love you a lot Ev and I'm so happy but if you're..."

"Hey, hey, slow down." Connor was rubbing at his wrists again so Evan reached out and took his hands. "Take a breath Con."

Connor nodded, eyes averted. "You love me?" Evan tried carefully. 

Connor met his eyes. "Yeah, I think I said that a couple of times in there."

"Thanks for prom Connor."

"You're welcome Ev."

"Everything's going to be okay you know? Well maybe not everything but the things that aren't we'll get through together."

"I love you Evan Hansen."

"I love you too Connor Murphy."

Evan didn't care for hot chocolate all that much. He didn't have much of a sweet tooth. When he came into the shop the first time he wanted to order tea but at the counter he got nervous and read the first thing off the menu. Then it became a habit. When Connor Murphy came into the picture he couldn't imagine ordering anything else. Now he couldn't imagine loving anyone else like he loved him. It was stupid how much he loved him. He loved him on good days and bad days, with scars and tears and too much caffeine. He loved his hair and his eyes and his smile and the way he made him feel safe and whole and capable. And Evan never felt capable. If this was real prom maybe things would be different. If they met somewhere else over a different drink maybe it wouldn't have worked out. But here, in the dim light from the shop, holding Connor's sweaty hands in his, it felt like they could be happy here. It felt like they could go on like this forever