Chapter Text
Ponyboy settles into a bit of a mock routine while there. He gets up in the morning, usually after Darry and Mr. Curtis are gone, then he eats with Soda, and they walk around the neighborhood until evening. Soda likes telling him everything about the neighborhood but Ponyboy can tell that he’s running out of things to say about just the neighborhood. He has asked about their mom more than a couple times and it makes Ponyboy feel attacked. There are some days where he finds he can’t wait for Darry and Mr. Curtis to get home, only to be disappointed by the fact that Darry seems to want to interrogate him too. Then Mr. Curtis just stares at him like he’s not quite there. It’s unsettling to say the least.
Tonight was one of those nights where they all sat down to dinner together and both Soda and him were being interrogated on what exactly they’d done that day. Luckily for Ponyboy, Soda didn’t mind talking with his mouth full and telling them just what he’d told Ponyboy.
“What about you, kid?” Mr. Curtis asks then, turning to Ponyboy who’d been pushing food around his plate without actually eating anything. “You like messin’ around or are you ready for school to start?” He didn’t know how to answer that. Was he ready for school to start? On one hand, it might be better for him to be somewhere he actually excelled instead of Soda trying and failing to get him to talk.
“I don’t know. I guess so.” He says shortly. Ponyboy didn’t know why he couldn’t just be honest with them. Sometimes it felt like if he gave them too much then he’d be losing a part of himself and by that, his mother. “I like school.” He adds, like that will clear up all of his cryptic mess.
“You and Junior both then.” Mr. Curtis smiles. “That’s real great.” He puts his eyes back down on his plate, not really wanting to look at any of them. “I was thinking we’d do one last barbecue before everyone goes back to school. We could invite the neighborhood and all your little friends like we always do.”
“Yeah!” Soda seems excited by that, a big smile painting his face but Ponyboy feels nothing but dread. He’d already met Steve and that hadn’t gone all that well, he didn’t want a repeat of that. He hadn’t known a lot of new people when he’d lived with his mom, he hadn’t really gotten the opportunity to because he’d been so preoccupied with taking care of her but the Curtis’s knew a lot of people. He didn’t know if he had the capacity for that, especially right now.
Soda kicks him under the table then, giving him a small smile. “I think you’ll get along with Johnny just fine.”
● ⟰ ●
The air was thick and hot, typical in the summer with their muggy apartment. They never really opened the windows, mostly because his mother didn’t like the light. Everything felt wrong as he walked through their apartment, it smelled wrong and his throat felt tight. A piece of Ponyboy already knew what was going to happen because this was familiar. Something like this had happened before he just couldn’t grasp exactly what it was.
“Mama?” It was the same thing he always did at the end of the day. He called out for his mother to announce his arrival and make sure that she knew it was just him in the house. The house is silent and while that isn’t out of place, it’s setting his nerves on fire. “Mama I’m home.” He walks slowly into her bedroom, off put by the blood filling his nose.
She’s lying on the bed, but it’s not like last time. Ponyboy can remember the last time coming to him in fragments. He’d rolled her over and shaken her. This time was different. The blankets were open and her body was coated in blood. Her eyes were still open and her arms beckoning him towards her.
“You killed her.” A voice says, sounding strangely like Mr. Curtis’s voice. “She chose you over everyone and you killed her.” Ponyboy can’t help the scream that worms its way up his throat as she begins to twitch. He’d known it all along, the voice was right. He had killed her and now he was suffering for it.
“Ponyboy!” He startles awake, jolting upright, and trying to swing his arms at whoever is holding him. His thoughts swim back to the boys home, even though the lack of leather belt around his throat is reassuring. “Hey, it’s okay.”
“Get off!” He chokes out, his hand connecting with something and he can see a large figure stumble back.
“Ponyboy, it's okay!” Someone else yells and it takes him way too long to crawl out of the blood filling his eyelids to realize that it’s Sodapop. He slumps back against the pillows, drawing his knees up to his chest as his frame heaves.
“Well at least we know you can defend yourself, kid.” Mr. Curtis is grinning sleepily, holding his cheek. Ponyboy’s heart is still racing and he can’t breathe very well. “Got one hell of a hook on ya.”
“I’d say.” Soda smiles, putting a hesitant hand on his shoulder. Ponyboy flinches but he tries to take a deep breath. He realizes numbly then that his cheeks are streaked with tears. He can’t find it in himself to care when his ribcage is actively on fire.
“You were havin’ a nightmare and we just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m okay.” He says all too quickly. “You can go.”
“You wanna talk about it?” Mr. Curtis asks. “It seemed pretty scary if it had ya swinging like that.” Ponyboy just gives him a haunted look, unable to really verbalize what he’s feeling.
“It happens sometimes. I usually just go back to sleep.” He didn’t mention that when he’d had nightmares before, he’d usually crawl into his mothers bed just to be near someone else.
“Okay,” Mr. Curtis looks somewhat defeated, a shade that is made strange in the darkness. “Well you know where my room is if ya need me.” Ponyboy just nods, trying not to notice when Soda follows him out of the room and they leave him alone. He allows himself one heaving sob then, missing his mother more than anything. He lies back down and wraps his arms around himself, tangling himself up in the blanket. He hears Soda come back in but can’t place it until the unused side of his bed is dipping and he’s automatically stiffening.
“What are you doing?” He asks, hating the hoarseness of his voice when Soda wraps a stray arm around him.
“Darry used to do this when I was little.” Soda says, entirely too close. “If I had trouble sleepin’ or something, he’d lay with me until I fell back to sleep.”
“I ain’t little.” Ponyboy huffs. “You don’t gotta do this.”
“I know you ain’t little but I missed a lot of when you were so just humor me.” They’re quiet for a moment, the only sound being Ponyboy’s sniffling until Soda speaks again. “Are you dreamin’ about her?”
“Who?”
“Mom.” Ponyboy doesn’t want to answer. He already knew that was the question. Soda had an endless curiosity about their dead mother and Ponyboy guessed he had every right to, he didn’t know anything about her. Ponyboy just hated that it was getting in the way of his grief.
“Yeah.” He doesn’t offer up much else, sinking back into Soda’s arm and trying to pretend that it’s his mother there next to him. “It’s always her.”
● ⟰ ●
The morning of the barbecue Ponyboy wakes up with a swollen and sticky face once again. Only this time, he feels like he can pull a full breath in. The first thing he notices is that there is someone else curled around him in the bed. He turns his head slowly to find Soda, asleep against him with his mouth open snoring softly.
It all comes rushing back to him then, the nightmare and Soda asking him if it was about their mom. Ponyboy doesn’t know how he feels about any of it, on one hand, it felt slightly embarrassing that he’d had to be lulled back to sleep like a little kid but on the other hand, he was grateful that Soda cared enough about him to keep trying.
Just as he’s trying to figure out a way to peel himself from Soda’s grip, Darry stands in the doorway smirking a little bit. “You need some help?” Ponyboy just nods and Darry walks over, gently peeling Soda back without waking him so Ponyboy can get out of the bed. “He’s always been like that.” Darry says as he closes the door behind him and starts down the stairs. “When he was little, he used to crawl into my bed in any kind of thunderstorm and in the morning I’d wake up like that.”
“He’s like a koala.” It’s all Ponyboy says but Darry gives him a slight smile.
“That he is.” Mr. Curtis is already in the kitchen pattering around when they enter.
“Hey kid, you sleep okay after…” He trails off uncomfortably so Ponyboy nods.
“Yeah, Soda was there.” He starts on the dishes that Mr. Curtis has already dirtied, not wanting to sit at the table and stare at him like Darry was doing. “Sorry to wake you.”
“Aw, don't worry about it. Your Momma used to have nightmares like that, y’know?”
“Yeah.” Ponyboy knew all about his mothers nightmares. She didn’t scream, she just whimpered and cried. Sometimes Ponyboy wished he was more like that, simply so that he wouldn’t wake the whole house.
“It ain’t a bad thing.” Ponyboy nods slowly, not wanting to talk about this anymore. Mr. Curtis seems to sense that he’s already embarrassed enough and he doesn’t push it.
“You invite any of your old friends today, Junior?” Mr. Curtis asks then, setting a mug of coffee down in front of Darry.
“No.” He gets a strange grimace on his face, like he can’t stand the thought of what Mr. Curtis is suggesting. “I don’t talk to any of those guys anymore.”
“You didn’t tell me that.”
“Well I don’t.” Mr. Curtis is as easygoing as ever as he puts his hands up in mock surrender and smiles.
“We don’t gotta talk about it. I just wanted to say they were invited if you wanted them there.”
“Okay.” Darry says shortly. Ponyboy is watching the entire exchange feeling on edge. In the two weeks he’d been here, Darry and Mr. Curtis had never really fought. Darry was a bit serious for Mr. Curtis but he seemed to know all the ways in which to push his son and when to stop. He was like Soda in that way, seeming to know a person better than you knew yourself. But they had never outright fought. Ponyboy halfway wondered if he was going to watch them fight now. “Well I’m not inviting them so don’t plan on it.”
“Alright.” Mr. Curtis says and that’s the end of it. Ponyboy lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. He was glad he didn’t have to hear them fight. He’d hadn’t been around a lot of fighting growing up. Sure, he’d heard many fights through the walls of his old apartment building and seen kids fight in school but in your home it was different. He had hardly ever fought with his mother, even before she was sick. He was always a good kid and they had worked well together. He didn’t know if any of these boys fought with their father, he had to imagine that they did but he hadn’t seen it yet.
It’s then that Soda bounds down the stairs rubbing at his eyes with his hair sticking up in every direction. He makes straight for the plate of eggs, ruffling Ponyboy’s hair in the process. Ponyboy bats him away, not able to help the smile on his face.
“I’m gonna get dressed.” He says softly bounding up the stairs and back into his room. He grabs his clothes and goes into the bathroom so he can lock the door. He knows that they’re trying to talk quietly but if he stands real close to the door, he can hear voices.
“-seemed awful embarrassed of it.”
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed by.” Soda says softly. “Remember when I used to get ‘em?”
“Yeah, I know, kid.” Comes Mr. Curtis’s soft voice. “But he doesn’t have a big brother Darry to run to.”
“He has me.” Soda insists.
“He didn’t grow up with you. Not like you and Darry did. He probably feels like he can’t talk about stuff like that.”
“Well he never talks anyway.” Darry puts in. “You’d probably have to shake him down to know what his dreams were about.”
“He told me he was dreaming about mom.” Soda says quietly and that’s when Ponyboy flies away from the door. He doesn’t want to listen anymore, not when he had told Soda that in good confidence. Ponyboy should have known better than to tell someone like Sodapop that. Soda was a blabbermouth at best and couldn’t keep a secret, especially not from the family that he’d actually grown up with. Ponyboy shouldn’t feel so hurt but he does. It hurts, all of it.
He sits on the toilet seat, trying to breathe through the worst of his tears. It didn’t make any sense. He hadn’t been a cry baby when he’d been living with his mom but now, he felt like he was fighting tears at the smallest things. It hurt that Sodapop had spilled his secret, even if Ponyboy didn’t tell him it was a secret. It made him think that there were probably other countless things that Soda had told them about that Ponyboy had said. He knew they were all dying to know about the mother that had taken him and run but he couldn’t talk about her too much. His tongue got stuck in his mouth and his jaw fused shut as his mind replayed all of her worst moments. He knew it was stupid but he kept seeing her as he had rolled her over, dead and gray and more lifeless than she had ever been. He hated that he was remembering her like that but he couldn’t help it.
It was then that he realized he couldn’t do that again. As much as he hated Soda at that moment for telling his secret or Darry for being so brash all the time, he realized he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to belong somewhere. He had never belonged anywhere in his whole life besides his mother’s arms and now she was gone. He wanted to belong somewhere again, even if it meant belonging to people he was related to in blood but not memory.
● ⟰ ●
“Here ya go kid.” Ponyboy just stares at Mr. Curtis, whose outstretched hand is holding the phone. He hadn’t even realized that today was a day that he would talk to Ms. Denta. They’d been doing weekly phone calls and monthly visits. Though they hadn't hit a full month yet. This was his second phone call with her and he felt strangely connected to her. It might just be because she was the one who had held him through a majority of his mothers death and seemed to be able to read him better than any adult before.
“Hello?” He asks, his throat bobbing just the slightest bit. Mr. Curtis leaves the room, ushering out Soda to give him some privacy.
“Ponyboy, hey! This is just our weekly check-in so I have to go over all the steps.” She has him describe his daily routine, his sleeping habits, how often he eats, how everyone is treating him. Ponyboy is pretty monosyllabic with it. After last night, he doesn’t have the energy to describe his whole morning routine in vivid detail.
“And how are you doing with the grief?” She asks then and the question startles him slightly. She hadn’t asked him this last time. They hadn’t really talked about how he’d been doing besides the basic stuff.
“Uh…” He trails off, unsure of what sort of answer she wanted.
“Mr. Curtis mentioned that you still miss your mother a lot and that you were having trouble sleeping?” He squeezes his eyes tightly. So they were telling everyone about it now?
“Yeah,” he says, his voice sticking in his throat as he says it. “I’ve had trouble sleeping before but I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure honey?” She asks, sounding so genuine that actual tears flood into his eyes. “We have a program that I can set up for your father that would help you with all of this. It would involve a doctors visit and probably a-”
“That’s okay.” Ponyboy interrupts her. “I just miss her a lot is all.” It’s quiet but its all he really can say.
“I don’t doubt that, it’s not an easy loss.” Her voice is sympathetic. In what world was any loss easy? “Well if you need someone else to talk to, you have my phone number. Okay?”
“Okay… thank you ma’am.” He agrees softly.
“Talk to you next week.”
“Bye.” He hangs up the phone, taking a minute to wipe his eyes on the back of his hand and sniffle the slightest bit. He missed his mother a whole hell of a lot but he didn’t want it to ruin today. He was so sick of his own mind ruining every day for him. Mr. Curtis chooses that moment to come into the kitchen.
“You alright son?” He’s got his same lazy smile on his face, even if it’s being ruined by the concern in his eyes.
“Fine.” He says lightly. “Same call as last week. I didn’t say anything bad about you.”
Mr. Curtis chuckles. “Oh I ain’t worried about that. You can say anything you want about me to that nice lady.” He looks him over again. “You sure you’re okay? You don’t wanna lie down before the barbecue, you seem awful tired from last night.”
“I’m okay Mr. Curtis.” The formal name slips out before he can stop himself and Mr. Curtis looks slightly hurt by it but he doesn’t mention it. “But you’re right, I’ll lie down for a bit… if that’s okay.”
“Course it’s okay.” He eyes him suspiciously but ultimately lets him go. Ponyboy has to stop himself from running up to his room but he manages to lie down without too much of a ruckus. What would he have called him anyway? Dad? That didn’t seem quite right anyway. All he knew is that he wasn’t going to do that again.
● ⟰ ●
The amount of people at the barbecue was making Ponyboy sick. It didn’t help that Soda kept introducing him as the ‘long lost little brother’. It made him feel pretty stupid. As dumb as it was, he stuck close to Darry since he seemed to be in a bad mood. Ponyboy suspected it probably had something to do with the fact that he apparently didn’t talk to most of his friends anymore when they would have been at this party. Darry probably felt just as alone as Ponyboy did and as stupid as it was, Ponyboy felt just the slightest bit of comfort in that.
“You can go with Soda.” Darry says then, taking a long sip of a coke while Ponyboy just stares. “I know you heard what I said about not being friends with those guys anymore but it ain’t a big deal. You don’t gotta feel bad for me.”
“I don’t feel bad for you.” He says too quickly.
“Then why are you sitting with me like you are?”
“I don’t know.” Ponyboy says.
“You really don’t have to feel bad about it. Those guys…” He takes a deep breath. “They were rich assholes and everyone told me not to get close with ‘em and I did anyway. It’s my own fault.”
“What did they do to you?” A spike of fear goes through Ponyboy at this. Darry could be pretty mean when he got his head on straight and he was downright brash at other times but it didn’t mean that Ponyboy wanted him to suffer.
“Nothin’ like that.” Darry says, sensing his hesitancy. “They just dropped me as soon as they were able to go to college and I wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Ain’t your fault.”
“It’s still hard.”
“Go hang out with Soda. Just leave me alone.” Ponyboy didn’t understand that, he didn't understand Darry’s coldness. He thought he was being kind and now he’s being shoved off like he’s an idiot or something.
“Sorry.” Ponyboy says, standing up from the table and going outside to where most of the people were. Mr. Curtis is standing at the grill talking to a red haired lady that looks to be his age.
“Oh, Sherie, have you met my youngest son yet?” Mr. Curtis grabs his shoulder then, steering him to stand in front of the woman. Her laugh lines are prominent and her eyes are dancing.
“I feel like I already know you from how much Darrel here has talked about you.” Ponyboy smiles, trying to be polite. He didn’t think anybody on this Earth really knew him all that well.
“It’s good to meet you ma’am.”
“Oh drop the ma’am. I was a friend of your mothers.” He finds the thrill of fear running through him rampant then. He must show some of it on his face because Sherie is quick to reassure him. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it can’t be easy losing her and then being placed with this barrel of monkeys.” She pats Mr. Curtis’s shoulder lovingly while he just laughs.
“It has been quite the adjustment for him.” They’re talking in that way that adults do with little kids, right over their head like they’re making decisions for them. Ponyboy hates it. It’s the same way that social workers and teachers talk about him. “The other boys have been good though.”
“I’m glad.” Sherie says. “It’s been so nice to officially meet you, Ponyboy. My kids are the ones with the red hair. Both of them would love to meet you even though you’re probably closest in age to Susie.”
“Thank you.” He says softly, barely looking up at her before walking away. He hears Mr. Curtis say something else about him to her. Something about the nightmares and being so quiet all the time but Ponyboy doesn’t stick around to listen. He’s more than sick of listening to people talk and semi-complain about him and how quiet he is. He’s really tired of it and he knows he’s about to be more annoyed when he finds Soda and all his friends give him strange looks like they’d been doing since they walked in. It wasn’t the looks that Mr. Curtis had been so happy to give him either, the ones that told him he couldn’t quite believe he was real. The ones that Soda’s friends gave him seemed to be seizing him up, like they thought he was lying about being related to anyone.
“Ponyboy!” His head whips toward Soda who’s got his arm around Steve looking at him amusedly. It was funny, Darry and his dad could be twins but Soda got that same look on his face that his dad did when he was talking to him. Just so happy and carefree. Ponyboy walks over to where Soda is talking to the group of boys that came in earlier. “This is Johnny. Me and Steve think you two’ll get on just fine.” Ponyboy turns to find a dark haired kid with a cut running down the side of his face. The cut doesn’t make him look mean, it makes him look pitiful. Ponyboy guesses he probably looks about the same, especially with the lingering bruises from the boy's home.
Soda drapes an arm around him. “Johnny! This is my little brother Ponyboy!”
“Hi.” Johnny says and Ponyboy just nods, putting a hand up awkwardly. The two don’t say anything else to each other but they stand together. It’s something Ponyboy is grateful for, he doesn’t want to try and answer any more questions. He was still feeling slightly burned from Darry’s dismissal of him. He also sort of hated how good Soda was with everyone. He wonders if he would have been like that had his mother never ran away. He wonders just how different he would be.