Chapter Text
“Must you always contradict everything I say?!” McCoy demanded of Spock as they sat in Jim Kirk‘s quarters. It was months later and their adventure on ‘Paradise’ was slowly fading, but not their companionship.
“Say something that I consider to be a worthwhile truth, and then I will most heartily agree with you, Doctor,” Spock said smugly.
“’Mr. Spock is always going to contradict me!’ There!“ McCoy crowed with pride. “You can‘t disagree with that!”
“Now, Doctor. I cannot agree with any statement that has the word ‘always’ in it. You should remember that from your debate class lessons.”
“I’ve got it! ’Mr. Spock is always a smart ass!’” McCoy challenged. “There!”
“There is that pesky ‘always’ word again. And there are times that you might contradict yourself and say that I am a dumb ass.”
“Well, both terms mean the same things, even though they sound like opposites!”
“Highly illogical, but I will agree with that statement.”
“You agree? You agree?! Well, stop the presses and yell the news from the highest steeple in town! Mr. Spock agrees with me! Everything has turned around and the world is upside down! Next, the sun will rise in the east and set in the west!”
“But on many planets that statement is true, Doctor.”
“Do you guys ever get tired of that?” Jim Kirk wondered aloud.
“Tired of what?” McCoy asked in true puzzlement. “Spock, do you know what he’s talking about?”
“I believe that he is referring to our discussion as being nothing more than an argument between us.”
“I don’t know where he’d come up with an idea like that,” McCoy rebuked with a frown. “Jim, we’re just discussing stuff.”
“Well, your ‘discussion’ is giving me a headache. Back off for awhile, will you?”
“Sorry.”
“You know, you guys are missing your true callings.”
“Oh? And what do you think our true callings should be?” McCoy asked with interest. He loved games, and Kirk had just invented a new one.
“Well, you’d make first rate torture devices. I think that forcing prisoners to listen to your bickering would be more effective than the Chinese water torture. But then the Federation might outlaw it as being too brutal. Romulans might even balk about using it. They‘d demand more humane treatment for even their deadliest enemies.”
“Ha! Ha! You’re a real comedian today, Jim. Keep that up and Spock here will get all huffy. He just might raise an eyebrow so high that it well might disappear clear into his hairline, never to be seen again. And wouldn’t he look odd then! He’d have to walk around with his head tilted on the other side just so his face would look balanced. There‘d be rumors, of course. Someone on the crew might think that they’ve spotted the eyebrow cautiously peeking out of all that hairy foliage. But it proved just to be a shadow or maybe even a housefly that had been unfortunately caught by the eyebrow, like the eyebrow was some sort of black hole or something.”
“Doctor, your regard for my errant eyebrow is heartening, to say the least. But please do not concern yourself unduly about it.”
“I know, Bones. Spock could draw an eyebrow onto his forehead with an eyebrow pencil,” Kirk offered. “If nineteen-thirties actresses in American films could build a career around hand drawn eyebrows, Spock could take advantage of their knowledge.”
“Please, Captain, Dr. McCoy needs no help in being snide. Do not place yourself on his level.”
“You know, I’m going to miss hearing all of these intellectual discussions about such philosophical topics from you two guys, but it’s time again for shore leave. So, what is it this time? Earth for McCoy? Or a doctor’s convention on Mars? Vulcan for Spock? Or a diplomatic mission served with your father?”
McCoy and Spock glanced at each other and said as one, “Paradise!”
“Back to that planet where you two were stranded?! Where you almost died, if you hadn‘t been rescued in time?! You really want to go back there?!”
“Well, yeah. Now that we’ve figured how to get there from any place in the universe, we can just get in the shuttle and snap ourselves there anytime or from wherever we want. It could revolutionize space travel, if the only place you want to go to is our planet paradise.” McCoy looked from one to the other, knowing he had their full attention. “I’m thinking of calling the procedure ‘Spock’s Snap.’”
Kirk groaned. “You really had to work to set that one up, didn’t you, and I fell for it. But you can get to ‘Paradise’ easier now, and you can relive the experience of living simply again. Ah! the rustic life!”
“Yeah, but this time, I want a few more amenities along. A replicator, for one thing, so we can have a little more variety to our diets. And a bone knitter, in case the Vulcan stubs his toe or hurts his precious little pinkie. And tissues to dry his tears when he gets a splinter. And some tweezers to remove that splinter before he shrinks his shirt from crying.”
“Toilet paper,” Spock said, and Kirk knew that had to be the top of any sort of survival gear for Spock. “The cotton bolls from the cotton plant you found worked nicely, Doctor, but I do not want to have to go farming every time before I visit the latrine. I felt like one of your poor slaves having to pick cotton in the Deep South before your American Civil War.”
“Well, at least I found something for us to use! And for your information, that wasn’t cotton, but a form of milkweed. It attracted butterflies, besides being useful as a cleansing agent. We had a regular little butterfly farm.”
“I never saw any butterflies.”
“Be happy! They were pesky little critters! And some of them were real scrappers! I really had to fight them!”
“For what?”
“For their lives! They were a valuable source of protein.”
“Leonard. Are you saying that I ate a butterfly?!”
“No, I am not saying that you ate a butterfly!” McCoy mocked in a singsong voice that made Kirk grin, even though he knew he was just encouraging McCoy.
“Good,” Spock said with a deep sigh of obvious relief. “I would not want to deprive the universe of a form of such exquisite beauty as a butterfly. You probably aggravated them. That is why they were aggressive and why you did not appreciate them.”
“You do know, don’t you, that moths on the whole are prettier than butterflies?”
“That is not the point. Eating grubs was one thing. They are ugly. They just lie there, squirming. But butterflies! They are beautiful. They flit about and dive and hover and spread joy with their erratic flight patterns. I would not like to think that I had consumed even one.”
“If you must know, it was probably closer to a hundred.”
Spock looked stunned. “What?”
“Well, I ate some of them, also! I needed protein, too, you know!”
“I am not contesting your need for protein. I am contesting your source of the protein.”
“I could find only so many grubs! And I figured you might recognize a sage mouse carcass. They are scrawny with little meat on their fragile bones. I felt sorry for them. They had a hard enough life without me trying to kill them, so you got butterflies occasionally.”
“You said that I did not eat a butterfly!”
“And you didn’t! You ate butterflies! Butterfly with an ‘s’ on the end of it! More than one! A lot more than one!” McCoy calmed. “And I told you that they were bugs with wings. Remember them?! Bugs with wings?!”
Spock looked stunned again. “I remember the bugs with wings. They were tasty. The wings were crunchy.” He looked horrified. “I ate a creature created by a god!”
“That god will forgive you. Besides, all of the creatures were created by a god, somewhere all the line, not just the beautiful ones. Even those loathsome slugs were beloved by some god, although I don‘t know how. It must’ve been a desperate god, or one that was easily pleased. They say mothers are that way. They love the ugly, naughty children as well as the beautiful angels that they bear. Sometimes mothers love the toads more, because they need the loving more.“
“But, butterflies!“
“Don‘t worry. You‘re forgiven.”
“But can I forgive myself?”
“Spock, you lived. I figured that tipped the scales back to a normal balance in the universe. It’s your business to survive in the universe, however you do it. Or whomever you have to eat.”
“But not at the loss of the butterflies!”
“There’s still butterflies on Paradise! We didn’t mow a path through their society! There was more left than old people and infants! We left breeding pairs! You’ll see! The sky will be filled with those butterflies just looking like dinner on the wing! And you shouldn’t be so judgmental! I would’ve liked for you to try to figure out what we were going to eat! There wasn’t exactly a supermarket on every corner begging for my business, you know!”
“I would not have fed you butterflies,” Spock grumbled with crossed arms. “Grubs, maybe. But not butterflies.”
“Gentlemen, gentlemen! Maybe you should reconsider shore leave destinations,” Kirk interjected. “Maybe you should go separate directions. Too much togetherness can be a bad thing. Take a little vacation from each other.”
McCoy and Spock stared at Kirk as if three more eyes had suddenly appeared on his forehead.
“Or, maybe not,” Kirk mumbled.
“I’m just saying,” McCoy continued as if Kirk had never spoken. “I didn’t have too easy of a job of gathering food for us! This time, you try to feed us!”
“I will,” Spock assured him. “I will become a farmer. I will put ample foodstuffs on our table. Our harvest table will groan with the bounty I will provide.”
“You will make the desert bloom, I suppose,” McCoy challenged.
“Gentlemen, may I remind you that you will be gone for only a month? That will not be sufficient time to make a desert bloom. You might get a crop of radishes in, but that would be about it.”
“The French ate radishes for breakfast,” Spock supplied.
“Yeah, but you’d want more vegetables than that, but you won’t have the time.”
“Thank you, Captain Kirk,” McCoy said. “Thanks for making my point.”
“And now the Earthlings are ganging up on the alien again.”
“It isn’t like that at all, Spock!” Kirk retaliated, realizing that he was willingly let himself get sucked into their silly fight. “Just go. Have a good time. Come back refreshed. Just don’t kill each other. That would put a bad taint on your ‘Paradise.’”
“And this time, I want to be waited on, hand and foot, like I did the Vulcan!” McCoy said with a little edge to his voice.
“Well, now, gentlemen, you’ll have to work all of that out on your own. I suppose you’ll want those same two solar blankets that you had last time. You seemed to have developed quite a fondness for them.”
“Well, they’ll go again with us, it’s true, Jim. But we want sleeping bags this time, too. The Vulcan gets too cold, otherwise.”
“You know, they do have sleeping bags that you can zip up so that they form one double bag, don’t you?” Kirk teased. “That way, you can cuddle easier.”
“Oh, we’d planned on that,” McCoy answered. “And if we plan it just right, we won’t need pajamas.” Then McCoy started laughing. “Told you, Spock! Did you see Jim’s eyes bug out when I mentioned the lack of pajamas?!”
“So, you guys were teasing me all along?” Kirk wanted to know.
“Well, we might be,” McCoy said, doing some teasing of his own. “And, then again, we might be dead serious.”
“Spock, what do you say about all of this? Is Bones pulling my leg?”
“Well, Captain, he did pull mine once. Both of them, in fact. And it took me awhile to recover from it.”
“Yeah, but you two guys are together, aren‘t you?! You know, sleeping in one bed, and all that implies?”
McCoy and Spock traded looks.
“Somebody has to keep the frosty ass of the Vulcan’s warm.”
“Come on, guys! Are you or aren’t you in a romantic relationship with each other?!”
“We’ll let you know when we get back from shore leave. It depends a whole lot on whether I let him live, or not.”
“Until then, Captain, if anybody wants to know, the good doctor and I will be in Paradise.” Then he traded a cryptic smile with McCoy. “Probably in one sleeping bag.”
“Damn it!” Kirk muttered. “I think I liked you guys better when you hated each other! Now you‘re like a couple of Junior High boys tormenting their teacher!”
“Oh, I don’t know if we still like each other all that much, Jim, but we keep each other honest. I think that we’ve been able to figure out a better way to deal with our frustrations with each other.”
“Meaning, what I think you’re meaning?” Kirk asked hopefully and fell into their trap.
“We’re taking a Chinese checkerboard with us, Jim. We’ll play a board game. I don’t know what your solution could’ve possibly been,” McCoy answered innocently.
“You’re driving me crazy! And now, you’re both on the same side!”
“Keep the home fires burning until we get back, kid,“ McCoy said with a smile and a wink.” Come on, Spock, the Aquinas is waiting.”
“The Aquinas?!” Kirk called after them. “Your honeymoon express, I take it?!”
“Oh, Jim Kirk, you do amuse us,” Spock said with a look of humor flashing in his dark eyes.
Kirk wanted to throttle the both of them! No, he wanted to hug them, he realized with a soft smile upon reconsideration. Hug them and wish them luck. Everything else, they seemed to already have.
Spock headed out the door and McCoy was taking a step to follow him when Kirk snagged McCoy’s arm.
“Bones! This is just what I wanted for Spock! You’re doing great, bringing him out of his shell and all!”
“I’m not doing it for the Vulcan!” McCoy snapped. “I’m a doctor, not a social director! Don‘t you know that everybody wants to know what‘s in it for them?! Well, I‘m no better than anyone else! I‘m a greedy little bastard! If you didn‘t already know that, it‘s a good time to learn it!”
Kirk winked. “I think you’re a winner in all of this, despite your bluster. I think you kinda like our little pointed-eared buddy!”
“Well, think what you want, Captain Kirk! Me, I’ve gotta make sure the alien doesn’t walk into a bulkhead or something equally stupid while he’s got his head in the clouds thinking about some philosophical proposition! Damn idiot probably won’t be watching where he’s going! Hard telling where he‘d wind up if I wasn‘t herding him around!” McCoy said as he hurried after Spock.
Yeah, and Spock thinks he’s your watch dog, Kirk thought with a grin. Take care of each other, guys, and be careful of full-body sunburn. Going to sleep naked outside will do that! Kirk smirked. Of course, you’ll get a helluva crisscross tan with your arms and legs all over each other. But I expect that harmonious tan lines won’t be your priority.
Outside Kirk’s quarters, Spock was waiting for McCoy. “You did not tell him the stakes of our Chinese checkers games, did you? What the victor gets as his reward?”
“What? The choice of being on the top or the bottom? There are things that even Jimmy Kirk doesn’t need to know, Mr. Spock.”
“I know, Leonard. Just be sure that you packed enough lubricant.”
“It’s right beside your toilet paper, so that delicate rear end of yours will be well taken care of. And here I thought that was going to be my job.”
“It will be, Leonard. Just as I will be watching yours.”
“I hope you’ll be doing more than watching, Vulcan,” McCoy muttered as they approached the Aquinas. “Much more.”
“I will be making that my priority, Leonard. On that, you can rely.”
“I just wish we would’ve figured all of this out back on Paradise, instead of waiting until we were back in your quarters here.”
“On Paradise, that was not the time for anything but survival and reassurance, Leonard. It was not until we got back to my quarters that we discovered that cuddling could lead to more than just survival and reassurance,” Spock said as they stopped by the door of the Aquinas. “We will have time now and the freedom to make all sorts of discoveries about ourselves and each other.” Spock arched an eyebrow. “And I intend to do a lot of exploring.”
“Now who’s making all kinds of grandiose promises?!”
“I do not promise, Leonard.” The eyebrow arched even higher. “I deliver.”
“Yeah, yeah,” McCoy muttered as he took a step into the Aquinas. He hoped that Spock didn‘t realize the tingle he‘d caused McCoy here where they couldn‘t do anything about it. Damn Vulcan tease! McCoy would make him pay for that!
“Watch your step, Leonard,” Spock cautioned as he grabbed McCoy‘s arm.
McCoy let him get by with that. He liked it when Spock was being protective. “Maybe I should fly this buggy this time, Spock. Last time, your landing wasn’t so smooth.”
“If you start being bossy, I will get out and walk.”
“Be my guest! A little lack of oxygen out in deep space should clear your head of stupidity! Although I don’t know if even that would solve the problem,” McCoy muttered. “You’re pretty thick-headed when you want to be.”
“That is only because I have such an excellent example in you,” Spock answered magnanimously.
“Me?! Well, let me tell you--”
The hatch of the Aquinas whooshed shut, sealing them inside their honeymoon shuttle. It was understood, though, that the arguing was continuing between them, if the animated faces through the shuttles‘ windows were any indication.
McCoy had a grumpy look on his face and was flinging his arms every which way, and a lip reader would be blushing at what was being said.
“I should leave you here and let Kirk take care of you for awhile! That’d teach that know-it-all captain a thing or two about--”
“Leonard.”
“Then maybe he’d realize what I’ve been going through--”
“Leonard.”
“Don’t know why I mess around with you in the first place!”
“Hey, you guys in that shuttle wanna wind that up anytime soon? Or do you wanna spend your shore leave in the shuttle while it’s still in the belly of the Enterprise?”
“Damn smart ass!” McCoy muttered.
“The man does have a point, Leonard. We will miss our window of opportunity.”
“I’ll show you our window of opportunity.”
“No, Leonard, I will show you.”
The shuttle got quiet.
“Aquinas? Are you still with us? It got awfully quiet over there. Did you kill each other, and we need to come over and mop up blood and remove bodies?”
“We are still here, Enterprise. Dr. McCoy needed reassurance for our journey. He is nervous after our launch from the Portus.”
Laughter came over the radio. “Reassurance?! It sounded more like kissing to us! Kinda like cows walking through a mud hole! We liked it when Spock ‘breathed‘ your name, Doc!”
Spock looked pleased with himself, but McCoy was miffed.
“Damn Vulcan! You have to reveal all of our secrets, don’t you?!”
Spock’s one eyebrow went up, and he got a crafty look on his face. “Not ALL of our secrets, Leonard. For awhile, I intend for only Paradise to know too much about us. Now, sit down and let me make certain that you are ready. I intend to keep you safe.” Spock’s eyes twinkled. “From everything, that is, except myself.”
“Yeah, yeah, promises, promises,” McCoy grumbled. “I’ll be the best judge of that.”
“I certainly hope so, Leonard. Oh, and I do not merely promise. As I said before, I deliver.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be the best judge of that, too,” McCoy growled, but a secret smile was tugging at his lips as he stole a glance at his Vulcan bringing the Aquinas to life with his skilled hands.
Those Vulcan hands had more than one skill, McCoy thought with pleasure. And McCoy intended to get his fair share, and more, of their ministrations.
The planet they’d named ‘Paradise’ better be prepared, because its founders were headed its way again. And nothing would ever be the same in ‘Paradise’ after Spock and McCoy got back to it again.